Author Topic: A depressive poem (Read 898 times) Tweet Share

Paper Carnival · « **on:** 10 Sep 2005, 19:42 »

I wrote this depressive poem.. Be gentle because I'm not really a poet person and English isn't my first language. It's called My Darkest Material (don't ask why it's just the first thing that came to my mind).

Hear my lament
As they devour my remains
As I love at my expense
As my blessing becomes torment

Watch me
Fixed Judified and forgotten
Crucified by nailing words

Cursed be my name

And as my tears are flowing wilted
Watering the dirt below my feet
A carnivore blossoms

Let my creation masticate my flesh
My blood besprinkle
Let my feathers scatter
To desecrate
To suffocate
To finalise what was procreated
So that Your Mercy be bespoken

Corey · « **Reply #1 on:** 10 Sep 2005, 19:47 »

pretty cool and my english is way worse... well done!!

Nikolas · « **Reply #2 on:** 10 Sep 2005, 20:22 »

I'm not English spoken person either, but Cool!

One question: I have an impression that you like Metal, right?

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #3 on:** 10 Sep 2005, 20:44 »

Hehe thanks Corey

nikolas: Thanks too and that's right

. And btw, I'm Greek like you

Nikolas · « **Reply #4 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 09:12 »

I think I had that impression (THE GREEK THING!) when I saw a post from you explaining that skylos is greek for dog.

esper · « **Reply #5 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 10:10 »

hey, while this has gone off from the poem to discussion about greek, I have a slight problem. I found the following engraved in a tree (I'll spell it out in the names of the letters, because I can't get a Greek font)... It seemed to be in Koine, since there were no capitals. It might not be kosher to tell me what it says, so if someone figures it out and it IS not something you want to share, please PM me. I have shown spaces as dashes...

eta - iota epsilon rho eta - mu eta tau epsilon rho alpha - H-accent epsilon kappa alpha tau epsilon - phi upsilon lambda alpha kappa alpha sigma - tau omega nu (I think) - alpha kappa alpha sigma iota kappa - alpha rho chi epsilon iota omega nu (I think) - phi rho omicron upsilon rho epsilon iota - alpha upsilon tau eta nu (I think) - tau eta nu (I think) - theta epsilon sigma eta.

I think that's roughly "e iere metera hecate, phulakas ton akasik archeion, phrourei auton ten these." I know "Hecate" is a goddess, ton is either an article or a preposition, and "archeion" sounds like a volume or a record... Any help would be appreciated.

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #6 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 10:32 »

You could have PMed me... But here's what it says anyways:

The holy mother Hecate, guardian/keeper of the akasik(

) documents/files/etc, guards their place/position/etc [of the files].

esper · « **Reply #7 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 10:38 »

Thanks. Sorry not to have PMed you, but I didn't know if just you could help, and there seemed to be quite a few greek speaking people in this thread.

Now then, back on topic. What exactly are you trying to say here? It's not like this is bad English, I just am wondering what you're trying to get across. It seems more nightmarish than depressed.

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #8 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 10:49 »

Well... In a nutshell, it sums up to "God I lost all I had and I'm depressed, so show mercy by killing me"

.

I'm not sure how the word "bespeak" works exactly, maybe I should have put it in passive voice (put "be bespoken" instead)

esper · « **Reply #9 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 11:06 »

I think it needs a subject... What is being bespoken? It's kinda hard to leave that particular word without a subject. Plus, it's kind of disused. You could use "proclaim" in place of it to see how it would work... "So that Your Mercy will proclaim..." Proclaim what? Bespeak what? See the problem?

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #10 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 11:11 »

You are right, so I guess I should have said "be bespoken". I just didn't like the double "be". I'm going to edit it now, thanks

. Should I say "be spoken" instead? I hope not because I like the word "bespeak".

esper · « **Reply #11 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 11:30 »

It's right with "be bespoken" because now mercy is the subject. I kinda like "bespeak" better, too, though... I'll think of a way to make that word work for you... Maybe if you just say "So that it may bespeak your mercy," although then we don't know what "it" is referring to...

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #12 on:** 11 Sep 2005, 12:10 »

I changed it to "so that Your Mercy be bespoken" now, I think it sounds better this way

LGM · « **Reply #13 on:** 12 Sep 2005, 03:34 »

It's not necessarily a bad poem... But there are definitely some phrases that make absoultely no sense. For example:

"Fixed Judified and forgotten" - what does judified mean?

"And as my tears are flowing wilted" - Something that flows does not wilt..

"Let my creation masticate my flesh" - Say chew, man. Masticate is way too proper for such a down and dirty poem

"My blood besprinkle" - Another word I've never seen.. besprinkle?

"So that Your Mercy be bespoken" - Why do you use "bespoken?"

You do have a few good lines... "A carnivore blossoms" is very good.

Stick with it. I just wrote a poem myself. I'll post it if you wouldn't mind.

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #14 on:** 12 Sep 2005, 10:25 »

Judified means betrayed (out of Judas), I love making up new words

.

I put "wilted" because wilted means not fresh, I wanted to say that I've been feeling like this for a long time.

I like the word "Masticate" and (in my oppinion) fits more than "chew".

Besprinkle means "to sprinkle", I found it in a dictionary.

Bespeak means "To be or give a sign of; indicate". I thought it was more appropriate than a word like "reveal".

Thanks, I like the carnivore line too, it's my favourite along with the final line.

I won't mind if you post your poem

SSH · « **Reply #15 on:** 12 Sep 2005, 10:39 »

surely "is bespoken" would jar less?

and I think that most people would understand "procreated" to mean "concieved" and I suspect you rather mean "begotten".

And all these "be-somethings" are maybe a bit too much. Why not replace "besprinkle" with "baptise" or "asperse"?

But it's pretty good, I think. Sounds like its Jesus' last prayer to God on the cross.

LGM · « **Reply #16 on:** 12 Sep 2005, 14:25 »

Alrighty, here's my grand poem of the week...

We are the ones who speak without thinking
We are the ones who live without thought
We are the ones who are endlessly stinking
We are the ones who reap what we've wrought

If you shudder to think of who we may be
Just look out your window, it's easy to see

We are mean
We are viscious
We are incredibly dumb

We are ignorant
We are foolish
And we often are wrong

We are who we are
And we're sorry to say
That we are, unfortunately, here to stay

Nikolas · « **Reply #17 on:** 12 Sep 2005, 14:27 »

[lgm]: That could work really well as lyrics for a song. Really, really well...

Paper Carnival · « **Reply #18 on:** 16 Sep 2005, 17:31 »

SSH: I only used 2 be-somethings so I don't know if they're too much. "Procreated" was used for a purpose, even though begotten would be more logical. Oh and it's not a coincidence it looks like Jesus' last prayer, I saw the Passion a few hours before I wrote it and obviously I got inspired by it

[lgm] Hehe very good, even though it sounds a little bit like most my poems (excluding this one). One thing I noticed is that you said "thinking" and then "thought" on next line, it would be better if you didn't use the same word. Other than that I don't think I can find anything, it's quite good.

....But who are you people?

LilBlueSmurf · « **Reply #19 on:** 17 Sep 2005, 19:03 »

Nice freeform poem Guybrush, quite vivid, and clearly shows emotion.

As for lgm, I have to be honest and say that it has problems. If it were lyrics for a song, or some kind of spoken poem, it might be okay, but there are problems with flow, odd combinations of stressed sylables as well as sylables per line, and finally the line breaks are odd. Like what does being "incredibly dumb" have to with mean and visious? and to flow better, try terribly instead. The second stanza also seems to not fit with the rest. And finally, unfortunately totally does not fit with the simplisity of the rest of poem, I'd try to find another word or reword the last line. But again, if this were spoken rather than written, all those things might work out depending on how you extended or held on to certain words. Written though, it just doesn't read well.