It all started when our over-heralded star, Hansel, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling excessively displeased, Hansel grabbed a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved golden apple was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Gretel. Hansel had known Gretel for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Gretel was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... stupid. Hansel called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Gretel picked up to a very unhappy Hansel. Gretel calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths sigh before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually flamboyantly sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Hansel. Why was Gretel trying to distract Hansel? Because she had snuck out from Hansel's with the golden apple only eight days prior. It was a electric little golden apple... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Hansel got back to the subject at hand: his golden apple. Gretel belched. Relunctantly, Gretel invited him over, assuring him they'd find the golden apple. Hansel grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Gretel realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the golden apple and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Hansel took the spaceship, she had take at least nine minutes before Hansel would get there. But if he took the shining white horse? Then Gretel would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Gretel was interrupted by nine funny-smelling two-tailed squirrels that were lured by her golden apple. Gretel sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she aimlessly reached for her wolverine and recklessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the shining white horse rolling up. It was Hansel.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Hansel was out of the shining white horse and went exotically jaunting toward Gretel's front door. Meanwhile inside, Gretel was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the golden apple into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her whale. Gretel was concerned but at least the golden apple was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Gretel flamboyantly purred. With a quick push, Hansel opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish noble genius in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Gretel assured him. Hansel took a seat uncomfortably close to where Gretel had hidden the golden apple. Gretel sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Hansel was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Gretel noticed a pestering look on Hansel's face. Hansel slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Gretel felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Hansel asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the golden apple right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Hansel's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Hansel nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Gretel could react, Hansel recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The golden apple was plainly in view.
Hansel stared at Gretel for what what must've been nine seconds. Just as zero people expected Gretel groped sassily in Hansel's direction, clearly desperate. Hansel grabbed the golden apple and bolted for the door. It was locked. Gretel let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Hansel,' she rebuked. Gretel always had been a little annoying, so Hansel knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Gretel did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at her or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his golden apple tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Gretel looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Hansel. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Hansel. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Gretel walked over to the window and looked down. Hansel was gone.
Just yonder, Hansel was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Gretel's place. Hansel had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral two-tailed squirrels suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the golden apple. One by one they latched on to Hansel. Already weakened from his injury, Hansel yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of two-tailed squirrels running off with his golden apple.
About seven hours later, Hansel awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Hansel did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely magical cornfield, Hansel was very lost. Just as zero people expected he remembered that his golden apple was taken by the two-tailed squirrels. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen two-tailed squirrel emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha two-tailed squirrel. Hansel opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the two-tailed squirrel sunk its teeth into Hansel's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Hansel's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Gretel was entombed by anguish over the loss of the golden apple. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened potato. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her double chin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Hansel... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the golden apple that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant two-tailed squirrels, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(