I need some help

[thewalrus]

     Rarely do I post something as serious or disturbing or personal as what I am about to but I need some different opinions and perspectives. I just found out that my girlfriend/fiance of almost 4 years has been having an affair for about the last month or two. She says that it is over between the two of them and that she loves me and she wants to work things out between us. Meanwhile, I am a mess, I am heartbroken and devestated. She seems to think that this is something that I can just forgive in a short period of time. She has never been cheated on and obviously can't understand the pain and betrayel that comes with being cheated on and deceived. I love her, I do, I know that. We have a 2 and a half year old child together and my 9 year old daughter would be devastated if she were to leave. I'm just really messed up right now and confused. I have disturbing images going through me head and tons of pain and sorrow. What would you do? How would you go about trying to work through this? What would you say to her? I'm really at a loss for words......  :'(

[Nikolas]

Rambling might help you...

I hope it turns out good for you and the children (and her, why not )

I can never imagine what I would do if I found out that my wife is/was cheating on me. I would probably be devasted. And I've no idea what would happen to my two children...

I will be honest here, but keep in mind that this is my opinion and not any advice of any sort:

Problem, for me, in cheating, is that the trust is lost. I've no idea why somebody goes away and cheats, I can imagine but there are things that I have fear for:

If my wife had an one night stand I wouldn't really mind (I would, but not amazingly!) I would imagine that she was horny or he was awesmoe and so on, and that she couldn't control her temper. Same thing could happen to me and anyone. I mean she was away for 2 months last year. I'm not a guy who goes out. Literally. I only went out once to give blood and then to the cinema, and shoping, nothing else! So there were little chances that I would meet anybody. But if I was going out and met a hot baby who was like "let's go to my place tonight, but I don't give a shit about your name!", I could imagine myself considering this.

A parallel relationship is a different issue though... It's not the horny issue anymore. It's not that I miss somebody away. It's that me or my wife are looking for something else that is not there in our current relationship/marriage. So this is a problem, not so much because the cheater was i nthe bed with another (wo)man, but because there is a problem in the relationship. And furthermore there is nothing that my wife could tell me (after having a 9 month relationship) that would make me feel that she wouldn't do it again. It's just something that it's difficult to give a second chance for me! Still I think that it is something that you can forget over time slowly. But many more problems will arise "where are you going again tonight? -I told you, I'm off to Mary (the reality). - I don't believe you. You're off to f*ck yourself again silly with that chinese guy in the corner! -The chinese guy has moved out 3 years ago. I think he dies! -You're lying! You are a bitch! F*ck off!" etc... :p

don't know what I would do.

I guess that you will need to examine your relationship and not the cheating... Other than that the above are all ramblings that may or may not help. but are personal opinions and nothing more...

[radiowaves]

www.loveforum.net - for all your love problems 
There are some nice experienced people there, helped me at least.

[ManicMatt]

loveforum radiowaves?? *slaps you*

Sorry to hear that thewalrus. 

Personally for me, if a girl cheated on me I could never trust them ever again. it's fucked.

As for the kids, well you can stay in touch with them, I hope.

Staying together for the kids, you won't show a happy family anyway so what's the point?

Sorry to be the usual blunt cunt I am but you asked for opinions and I gave mine.

I send my best wishes to you man, I'm sad to hear of this news.

[thewalrus]

     Thank you, Matt, my friend. I know what you mean about the whole f**king trust issue. It's gonna take some time to be able to trust again, if I decide to try to work things out. I don't know what the hell to do and to make matters even worse she was incarcerated today for having a dirty urine while being on probation. You know what they say, when it rains, it f***ing pours....  :'(

[Domino]

It really sucks what you are going through right now, but you need to be strong and realize that you may have to move on from her. I know you love her, but seeing as she had an affair, she cannot love you as much, even though she said she still loves you. I really don't get why people have affairs. If that person is no longer interested in being in said relationship, break it off first and then move on with somebody else.

You need to remove yourself from the situation for awhile and let things calm down a bit. In time, she will then realize that you are the one she really wants to be with. Unfortunately with my parents, it didn't have a happy ending. My mother cheated on my dad when i was 15 years old, and it ended up in divorce.  Plus, things will probably never be the same because as you said, you won't be able to trust her.

I hope things work out, and maybe counseling of some sort will work out the route of the problems of why she did this. I wish i could help more, but in the end, i think you have to make the right decision about the future of your relationship.

Wishing you the best..

Shawn

[Fee]

Same thing happened to me man, i know exactly how you feel. Unfortunatly you probly dont want to hear any of what i am about to say.

Fact is, once a cheater, always a cheater. If she was abel to lie and sneak around like that once. She can and will do it again. Especially if you just "let it slide". Remeber the old expression... "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me again, THEN IM A DUMBASS WHO DESERVED TO BE SCREWED OVER." Sorry about the bluntness there, but IMO thats how it is.

Personally, i would never trust her again. She must know there is consiqueces for her actions. If i was you, I wouldnt get back together with her id kick her ass out on the street without a cent and recruit my parents to help with the children whilst i get back on my feet. Then when you are ready find a real woman who deserves your love.

Love is a complicated emotion that makes people do and say stupid things. Right now you need a long break. Get away from her, surround yourself with friends and family that you trust. Talk to them about it since they know the both of you better than any Internet personality does. Hopefully after some time to think and talk with friends you will know what to do yourself.

As far as the kids go,  i think you are better off to split and cause some qucik pain for them than to provide them an example of a bad relationshsip that they will mostlikely follow when they come of age. Children learn their relationship skills from their parents. Last thing i would want for my 9 year old is the example that its ok to cheat. If you stay with her, this is the example you set.

Trust me, it will not be easy and you WILL want to go back with her because thats what love does to you, but if you hold out and keep it together long enough, you will return to being the happy individual you once were. Took me over a year to get over it properly , but now im happier than i ever was and im clearly better off. We both have new partners and are great friends

You have hard times ahead of you, but you WILL recover.

Good Luck man
Fee

[Mr Flibble]

I don't think you can solve anything with her unless you can have a conversation and work out why she cheated in the first place. If there's some underlying problem she has, then maybe it's something you two can work on.

Good luck.