Feedback on my design document

Started by lostbuthappy, Fri 15/05/2009 23:05:59

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lostbuthappy

Good evening,

about a week ago I decided that my first adventure would be a RON game and so I started the process of violently pulling ideas out of my brain just to kick them in the waste basket afterwards, until I realized that I'd never be satisfied no matter how good or bad they were. Then I decided to take one of the ideas and give it a try. I wrote an early design document that describes new locations, characters, the plot and some puzzles. It's only ten pages long yet, but I think it's enough to determine whether the game fits in the RON spacetime and if it's worth the time and sweat.

I have no experience in writing stories (especially not for adventures and especially especially not in English) and have huge problems to decide whether my idea is good or just a piece of junk, which is why I humbly ask if one or two of the experienced ronatics in here could take a look at my draft and tell me if it's worth a try and suggest improvements.
If you really dare to give it a try, please let me know which format you prefer (odt, doc, pdf...) and I'll put it somewhere on the internet.

Thanks in advance,
lbh

Btw: I decided to go for a jeu noir, a hardboiled whodunit, starring Max Griff, maybe the most difficult character there is for non-gilberts ;)
It's a story about $54.40 and a little poodle.
(No kittens.)
Disclamer: When I say I'm an artist I usually just mean that I can selectively apply filters to an image until it looks like a blurry version of Uranus.

DeviantGent

Cool beans, I'm pretty sure a lot of us here would be happy to take a butchers. Brent Williams (aka Brentmous) in particular might be a good chap to swing your ideas by - he's currently working on a Max Griff mystery himself, 'Dial F for Fedora', so with anything relating to dialogue and story (outside of teh DaveG, of course), he's a good mind to pick.

Having said that, I haven't seen him about lately, not since the forum/website switchover. Hope we haven't lost him, a frood most hoopy he is.

Anyway, in the meantime, feel free to post a brief synopsis here if you want some prelim feedback. If the general idea is deemed kosher, then we'll be more than up for seeing the full design doc.
The Deviant Gent
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lostbuthappy

#2
Quote from: DC on Sat 16/05/2009 01:58:32
Having said that, I haven't seen him about lately, not since the forum/website switchover. Hope we haven't lost him, a frood most hoopy he is.
Neither do I. I already read the thread about his upcoming game and since he even got help from the current PTB I thought the game was already wrapped up and shipped.

Quote from: DC on Sat 16/05/2009 01:58:32Anyway, in the meantime, feel free to post a brief synopsis here if you want some prelim feedback. If the general idea is deemed kosher, then we'll be more than up for seeing the full design doc.
Alright, I'll simply post a few non spoiling sections of my doc:

New Characters

Rend Avehes
Avehes is the owner of the local video store “El Rancho del Vídeo” (located east of Pelboz Flowers). His parents immigrated from Spain and were quite poor, so he had to work very hard to get where he is today. This, of course, is a story he loves to tell everybody who dares to approach him. He has a nice villa in Reality Hills, where the majority of his family lives, consisting of his wife, parents, children and grandchildren. His name does not only qualify as a Spanish (sounding) name, it is also quite functional since it can be pronounced as Rent A--V-H-S (Oh Boy!).

Rend is an enthusiast of ancient silent films, especially Spanish ones. When he's not taking care of business, he likes to discuss film making with his employee, Quentin Rodriguez, who has encyclopeadial knowledge of all films ever made (yes, even Tibetan films). Needless to mention that Rend holds the view that all good movies have already been made, which is why the newest flicks in his private collection are from 1934. He had to realize though, that most customers don't have his profound knowledge of films, which is why his video store now also has films that are slightly newer (up to 1998, but only the shitty ones so he can prove his point).

Rend is 51 years old, 5'9''/1,72m tall, quite podgy, has brown, vivid eyes, short black hair, a mustache and a stereotypical three day growth. He's also a heavy (cigarette) smoker.
In the summer, he likes to sit at a garden table in front of his video store - often with friends and often until late at night - heavily smoking, drinking cerveza and â€" of course â€" discussing films.



Quentin Rodriguez
Quentin Rodriguez (the references are so obvious that I refuse to explain them) works at “El Rancho del Vídeo”, the local video store. In his spare time he likes to run around with a camcorder, recording all kinds of stuff and makes independent films. His biggest dream is to direct a triple A movie that the whole world can see and get a foot in the movie making business.

He is a very humble, nice kind of guy who doesn't think too much about life, the universe and everything. He could though, but he consciously decided against it. He made about a dozen  indie films (not counting the myriads of early, childish ones), which are usually premiered during a party at some guy's house (almost always involving lethal doses of alcohol and/or other, less dangerous substances).

He is 24 years old, about 6'2''/1,85m tall and slim. He has brown, curly, short hair and blue eyes.


Prologue
Max Griff sat behind his desk and was having a vivid (day-)dream (while I'm dreaming that this is being presented as a sequence of comic like artwork):

The Big City, black and blue, yellow cones of light precisely thrown by vintage street lamps. La Femme Fatale, stereotypical, red dress, in danger. Griff had no choice. He pulled his .44 (or something even bigger) out of it's holster and shot a couple of mugs until the magazine was empty. Protecting his awful sexy client with his own, masculine body, they retreated to the car while Griff reloaded his weapon. With her in his arms, he slid over the hood to take cover behind his massive Cadillac. They got in the car. He gunned an impressive number of villains down while turning the vehicle around. He said something cool, yet smart. As they drove away, the remaining baddies got on their motorbikes to pursue them. Steering blindly and with only one hand, Max leaned out of the window, looked back and put a few more of them out of their misery. His fedora didn't even try to fly away.

The phone rang. Max was back in Reality.
He sighed deeply, then he answered the call: “Yes?”

It was Rend Avehes, the guy who owned a video store near Reality Park. He had a job for Max. Expecting something like “my kitten's stuck in a tree”, he tried to control his excitement. It was even worse. Rend wanted a video tape back from one of his customers that was more than a month late.

“I'm a man of strong principles, Mister Griff. I WANT that video back! And he owes me $54,40! You can have that money if you can return the movie.”
“Which one, Mister Avehes?”
“The Postman, with Kevin Costner.”
“Are you serious?”
“Do I sound like I'm FUCKING AROUND Mister?”
“Certainly not.”
“Good. So what do you say? Will you get that movie for me?”
For a brief moment, Spa... err Griff leaned back in his seat and asked himself if the humiliation was worth fifty bucks. His rumbling stomach answered the question.
“I'll be there in an hour, Mister Avehes.”
Then he hung up.

Sorry that I can't reveal more of the story, but it's so bad that I thought I'd better... just kidding. I don't want to spoil anything, that's why I still look for one or two brave souls who're willing to help me refining everything.
Disclamer: When I say I'm an artist I usually just mean that I can selectively apply filters to an image until it looks like a blurry version of Uranus.

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