A dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw!"
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Buddhist are all on a plane that's going down over the ocean. There's no parachutes, but they think they'll try their luck in jumping into the water. The Christian jumps out, and prays to God all the way down to his watery grave. The Muslim jumps out, and calls out to Allah until the end. The Buddhist jumps out, pleading for the Buddha to save him. Suddenly, two giant golden hands appear, and catch him gently in midair. "Oh thank God!" he said. The hands disappeared and he fell to his death.
Two American rednecks are hunting moose in Canada and they each bag one. The pilot taking them back to the lodge explains that the two moose are too big for him to take in one load, and he'll have to make two trips. "Well that pilot last year took a couple o' moose twice this size, easy..and he done it in one trip!" The pilot, not wanting to be shown up and possibly lose business, told the men to load the moose into the plane. He manages to take off smoothly, but as the weight shifts around, he loses control and crashes about 1000 yards from where he took off at. One of the rednecks looked at the other, "Why he made it twice as far as the guy did last year!"
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse next to a sign that says, "$100 to anyone who can make this horse laugh". The man walks up, and whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately took to laughing, leaving him gasping for breath. Stumped, the barman paid as promised. A few weeks later the same man comes back to the bar and sees the sign now promises $100 to anyone who can make the horse cry. With the barman's position, he takes the horse into the men's restroom. A few seconds later the horse comes out, bawling like a newborn. Truly confused, the barman asks, "How did you do it? First you make him laugh, now he's crying like a baby!" The man explained, "Well, first I told him that my penis was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" the players asked him. He apologized, and paid the barman for the cost to replace the cue ball. A few weeks later the man walks in with the same monkey. There are some grapes on the bar, so the monkey runs over, shoves one of the grapes up his bum, pulls it back out, and then eats it. "What is that monkey doing now?" the barman asked. "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all out shopping together. The brunette says, "The other day I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found cigarettes! I can't believe my daughter smokes!" The redhead says, "No, I'll do you one better. I was going through my daughter's purse and I found marijuana. I had no idea she was doing drugs!" With a smile the blonde replied, "I've got you both beat! I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found a condom! I didn't even know my daughter had a penis!"
A blonde is stranded at an airport after some of her luggage is lost, which had most of her money in it. She is explaining the situation to an attendant, and she lets him know that if she can just call her mother, she can have some money wired to her. She doesn't have a phone though, and doesn't have money for the pay phone. Seeing an opportunity, the attendant tells her, "Well I can help you out with that, but you'll have to help me out with something first." She agrees, and follows him into a closed room. He then proceeds to unzip his pants and pulls out his penis. She looks at him confused. "Well, go on..." he says, and motions for her to "help him out". She gets on her knees, and takes his penis in her hand, putting it up to her mouth. "Hello, mom?"