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Author Topic: Fortnightly Writing Competition: FAIRY TALE REVAMPED (Voting)  (Read 942 times)

Mandle

  • NO PIXEL LEFT BEHIND!!!
    • Mandle worked on a game that was nominated for an AGS Award!
Second Story Man

The jury came back into the courtroom and regained their seats. One of them passed a paper on to the judge.

The judge read the paper to himself while the defendant's thoughts drifted back over the chain of events that had brought him here:

Born the only son of a poor father who had died before he could remember, he started life a rung down the ladder from the rest. During his mid teens his mother pleaded with him to stop jacking cars but couldn't refuse the money this brought into their household. He fenced the cars to a chop shop run by Mr. Oldman, a seedy lowlife with as many jobs going on at a time as a dog has fleas. On his 18th birthday he delivered a mint black over white Cobra to the shop. Mr. Oldman himself pulled him aside and told him that, instead of the usual payment, he was willing to offer him a new opportunity.

He lept at the offer.

That night he told his mother about his new profession and she was furious. He stormed out of the house in a rage. He turned back to the slammed shut front door in the pouring rain and shouted that she would come begging to him for a cut of the money he would make.

The first few jobs were easy. He just held the ladder and stood lookout.

But on the job of the night that had landed him here things went differently.

His minder, an experienced second story man, had been stalking up and down the block for half an hour. He was nervous. He had said that something didn't feel right. He was talking about calling the job off.

Back in the present the judge peered over his glasses and looked at the defendant with distain. He cleared his throat.

The defendant's recollections continued:

He had snuck back into the target's backyard and propped the ladder against the wall. He climbed up to the second story window, jacked it open, and slipped inside the work-at-home office.

The man that lived in the house, a big figure in gold trading, was sure to have some of the actual stuff stashed somewhere, he figured. He started his search.

Sure enough, an ovoid paperweight on the desk proved to be solid gold and he pockete...

The light in the hallway snapped on and a voice boomed: "FLEE, MY FOE! SON... I OWN A GUN UNDER THE SECOND AMENDMUN'!"

He was out the window in a flash and slid down the ladder. He looked up and saw the trader leaning out and aiming the handgun down at him.

In a flash he pushed the ladder upwards. It hit the trader's elbow, forcing his hand to jerk back under his jaw.

The gun went off.

The judge finished clearing his throat and read:

"The defendant has been judged guilty of robbery and manslaughter and I sentence him to the maximum term in prison of..."

Jack closed his eyes and dreamed of climbing up and away, far up and away from this nightmare, far above the wailing cries of his mother, far up above the clouds...

Baron

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Er.... definitely. :=

Sinitrena

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Okay, 24h more from the time of this post.

Sinitrena

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Edit: Ignore this post, see the next one by me.
« Last Edit: 17 Feb 2018, 05:41 by Sinitrena »

Baron

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Well, I missed it by an hour, but there's no point in keeping it to myself.

Rampion

        The dashing Princess rode her black charger through the woods, her short cropped curls blowing carelessly in the wind.  The crispness of the last of the winter snows wafting from beneath the thickest conifers mixed with the riot of spring flower scents from the sunny glen.  The world was alive with the sound of birdsong and swollen brooks and bees swarming over the wild apple tree blossoms.  The forest was fresh and fabulous. The Princess forced a merry laugh and rode on.

   And why should she not be merry?  Was she not young and strong and free of cares?  Had she not done a great raft of good deeds for the poor and the meek?  Why, she had bested the brawny Bandersnatch in single combat and had outwitted the wily Wasket in a war of wisdom, all within the fortnight.  Not for her was the brooding drizzle of late autumn or the chilling emptiness of midwinter.  She was a lioness of spring who seized life by the horns, and if that didn't work then by the throat!  The Princess forced a louder, merrier, more convincing laugh.
 
   There are foes that thou can charge against
   And foes that thou can flee from
   But worst of all are foes immense
   That dwell in thine own bosom


   The steely edge of the wily Wasket's rhyme sliced through the season's charade of gaiety.  The Princess reined in her steed, turning to look from whence the words had whistled.  Desperately she sought a someone whom she could smite or spite, but the forest was empty but for her.  The words were her words now, seared into her soul by the scorching shrewdness of the wily Wasket.  The forest was empty, and the foe was inside her, that gnawing emptiness that she had sated and suppressed these many years with deeds and dash.  Now it gnawed at her like a feral animal trapped too long in a cage, and she yearned to tear at her breast from without, so that by working together they might sooner be rid of each other.  She wept despite herself.

   The Princess did not know how long she wallowed in woe, but her poor steed had eaten through half the moss covering the nearby rocks when at last she pulled herself together.  That wily Wasket had weft this whirl of woes with his worming words!  It was a trick of the mind and nothing more, and she was fool enough to fall for it.  She had brawn and brains and beauty; what need had she of belonging?  She held her head high once more and laughed again, though somewhat feebly.

   And then she heard it.  A gentle song flitting faintly through the forest like a frolicking fox.  She could hardly hear it hovering half-dreamt between the binary beating of her horse's hooves and her own hopeful heart.  Here it crooned and there it crested, through the branches and the bramble.  It was a man's voice, soft as summer sunshine, singing with such sure soulfulness that is sent shivers through her shirt.  She wended her way through copse and clover, listening for the lilting lyrics as they lazed and loudened.  She found herself infatuated, following the fancy like fairy footprints through the ferns.   
 
   At length the Princess found herself gaping gladly near a glade.  Therein soared a slender tower, slim and spired, ascending into the sky.  The spindly structure seemed to suffer from a definite dearth of doors.  The voice was clearly calling from the topmost tip of the tower, and the Princess wondered how the man would come and go with no gate or gantry?  Then suddenly she spied a sorceress slinking slyly through the slough.  She said in no uncertain speech:  “Rampion, Rampion, please put down your p-”

   The words were chopped by the churlish chewing of her hungry horse.  Vexed, the Princess viewed the vile vixen hove up the tower-side, but she could hardly see how?  She pondered the problem for mere minutes before the witch-like woman was wandering once more, moving down the masonry in a most magical manner.  Soon the sorceress had slunk away, and the song started up once more. 

   The princess determined that she too would brave the battlements to behold the boy above.  She rode to the ramparts and called carefully to her crush: “Gentle man, I'm your biggest fan, please pull me up to meet you!”

   The singing stopped rather suddenly, and there was no sound for quite sometime.  The Princess decided to mouth the man once more: “Gentle sir, I'm just a girl, let me up to see you!”

   The soul she sought stayed silent.

   Beriddled, the brave beauty brooded on the sorceresses' swift success.  What had she said that had so surely summoned the singer?  “Rampion!” she exclaimed, remembering the recent ritual.  “Rampion, Rampion!  Please put down your.... -er.....”  She impishly improvised: “Please put down your Prmphnrdmgr!”

   The visage of the voice poked out from a window high above, quite hale and handsome.  “What did you say?  I missed that last bit?”

   “Are you hard of hearing, good sir?” she asked cunningly.  “I've said the password, now have me up!”

   “Er...  I don't think I should,” he called back

   “Rampion!  Surely you long for company, cloistered as you are so far from everyone?  We have much in common, you and I, risen so high above the throng that we are quite cut-off.  Let us slake our loneliness upon each other's amity.”

   “Er.... You should go now.  The witch is very jealous.”

   The Princess tapped her foot impatiently.  “I have brawled the brawny Bandersnatch and whipped the wily Wasket in a wit-war!  I fear no witch.  And besides, what fault could she find in just a friendly visit?  Pull me up and we'll discuss the matter.”

   “She blinded the last girl by clawing out her eyes.  You really should go.”

   “What, for just visiting?!”

   “Er.... yeah.  There's kinda this entry thing that crosses certain boundaries of intimacy....”

   “Good sir, I am a princess of the most noble bearing!  I can assure you that I will respect your personage if you should insist upon it.  Truthfully, I am smitten by your song and would gladly content myself with the platonic pleasures of sharing some happy moments with a kindred spirit.”

   “Er.... it's not that simple.  We've really got to do this... thing to get you up.  It drives the witch mad with jealousy.  You've got cute eyes, you should keep them!”

   “Good sir, I am begging you!  We can keep our relationship on the plane of friendship, I swear it!”

   “Er... No we can't!”

   “We can!  I can!  Being a princess is all about restraint and self-denial.  I can keep my hands to myself, no matter what you throw at me!”

   “Uhh... I don't think....”

   “Don't think, good sir!  Feel!  Feel that this is good and right!”

   “Yeah... The witch really doesn't like other girls feeling-”

   “What could you possibly be hung-up over?!?  Just pull me up!  Rampion, Rampion, please put down your p... -oh god, you've got a hundred-foot-long cock, haven't you?”

:=

Sinitrena

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Well, I missed it by an hour, but there's no point in keeping it to myself.

Oh, whatever, no-one's voted yet, so let's include your entry:



Aaaaaaand we are closed.

We have four fary tales to warm the hear and vote for:

Momotaro of the Future by DBoyWheeler
The Life and Times of Mrs Fizzlepink by Frodo
A timeless Tale, modernized for a modern audience by Blondbraid
Second Story Man by Mandle
Rampion by Baron

Read tem, ejoy the, vote fro them - in the following categaries:

Best Character: Whether he is true to the original or completly diferent, this is about the best person or oersonality.
Best Writing: The art of combining words - the technical aspect od writing.
Best Atmosphere: The emotions and feelings the story evokes. Does it make you feel like a fairy tale?
Best Change: What changed and what is left, compared to the original tale.

You have one vote per category and voting ends in the end 21. February.
« Last Edit: 17 Feb 2018, 06:00 by Sinitrena »

Frodo

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Well, I missed it by an hour, but there's no point in keeping it to myself.

Oh, whatever, no-one's voted yet, so let's include your entry:



Aaaaaaand we are closed.

We have four fary tales to warm the hear and vote for:

Momotaro of the Future by DBoyWheeler
The Life and Times of Mrs Fittlepink by Frodo
A timeless Tale, modernized for a modern aufience by Blondbraid
Second Story Man by Mandle
Rampion by Baron

It's Fizzlepink, not Fittlepink.  :tongue:

Sinitrena

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It's Fizzlepink, not Fittlepink.  :tongue:

Oops, sorry, :-[ Corrected.

Baron

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    • Baron worked on a game that was nominated for an AGS Award!

We have four fary tales to warm the hear and vote for:

Momotaro of the Future by DBoyWheeler
The Life and Times of Mrs Fizzlepink by Frodo
A timeless Tale, modernized for a modern audience by Blondbraid
Second Story Man by Mandle
Rampion by Baron

Read tem, ejoy the, vote fro them - in the following categaries:



Aaaaaaand, since we're being picky, there are actually now five fary tales to warm the hear, ejoy, and vote fro. ;)

Frodo

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BEST CHARACTER:  Jack from Second Story Man - Mandle.  Poor Jack is just an unfortunate young man who made a few bad decisions in life. 

BEST WRITING:  A timeless tale, modernized for a modern audience - Blondbraid.  Love how the whole story is told through a writer trying to get her script made into a film by an arrogant, impatient executive.  Nice work, Blodbraid.   ( :

BEST ATMOSPHERE: A timeless tale, modernized for a modern audience - Blondbraid.  I can really imagine the writer standing in front of a huge desk, with the executive sitting behind it.  And trying not to loose her patience with the arrogant executive, as he keeps interrupting her, and wanting to change her script. 

BEST CHANGE:  Rampion - Baron.  Love the role-reversal.  And the *ahem*  alternate version to letting down her hair made me laugh.   

Sinitrena

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We have four fary tales to warm the hear and vote for:

Momotaro of the Future by DBoyWheeler
The Life and Times of Mrs Fizzlepink by Frodo
A timeless Tale, modernized for a modern audience by Blondbraid
Second Story Man by Mandle
Rampion by Baron

Read tem, ejoy the, vote fro them - in the following categaries:



Aaaaaaand, since we're being picky, there are actually now five fary tales to warm the hear, ejoy, and vote fro. ;)

God, how tired was I when I posted this? (wrong) I'll let my shame stand as it is.

Frodo

  • Welcome down... to my Planet Hell!
Is no-one else going to vote?  :confused:

Best Character: Mrs Fizzlepink, from The Life and Times of Mrs Fizzlepink, I just felt so sorry for her!
Best Writing: Second story man by Mandle
Best Atmosphere: Rampion by Baron, I liked how it started serious but ended hilarious.
Best Change: Rampion by Baron, it just cracked me up.

I do hope someone more shows up to vote though. Maybe they forgot about the deadline?

Frodo

  • Welcome down... to my Planet Hell!
Best Character: Mrs Fizzlepink, from The Life and Times of Mrs Fizzlepink, I just felt so sorry for her!

I wanted to tell the Hansel & Gretel story from the old woman's point of view.  :grin:
Traditionally, she's an evil old witch, with no name.  This time, she's the goody\victim, and she has a (very bizarre) name.  :kiss:

Baron

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What?  Take action before the deadline?  What kind of show do you think I'm running here? (roll)

Best Character: I gotta go with Blondbraid and his asinine movie exec: he was soooo bad it was awesome. (nod)
Best Writing: I liked the way Frodo put the whole story into dialog, and the sinister twist at the end was awesome. :=
Best Atmosphere: I thought the minimalist language but strong word choice used by DBoyWheeler made for an excellent atmosphere.  Was anyone else picturing an anime cartoon when some of those over-the-top lines were delivered with such deadpan seriousness?  "I know my destiny, father,"  "I can use all the help I can attain," and my personal favourite: "We are here to put an end to your tyranny, Oni King!"  Classic. :)
Best Change: Ah, let's keep it fair and go with Mandle for this one.  If you think about it the story from anyone but Jack's perspective, it really is a story of larceny and murder.  I like how Mandle twisted it around to be so realistic as to be almost unrecognizable until you put your thinking cap on. ;-D

Sinitrena

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By the current count, we have a three-way-tie.

Now, I could declare all three the winner, I could cast my own vote or wait for some more votes. Considering that two of five entrants haven't voted yet and no non-entrants, I guess I leave it open a bit longer.

Come on, guys, reading is fun, and voting is the competition-entrant's applause!

JudasFm

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It's me and the Zlang-Zlang Squid to the rescue! Let's break that tie! (At least, the Squid would but for some reason my profile pic isn't showing up no matter how many times I try to reupload it ???)

Best Character Blondbraid for the studio exec
Best Writing I have to go with DBoyWheeler. Even though Momotaro is probably one of my least favorite fairy tales (yep, another Japan-based AGS-er right here!) I really like the way it was written here
Best Atmosphere Mandle
Best Change Blondbraid. I remember reading a version of that fairy tale as a child (it was a little different but the essentials were identical) and seeing what the executive tried to make it was fun. Plus the line "The wolf's ass or Ivan's ass?" really cracked me up (laugh)
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 16:14 by JudasFm »

Frodo

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*pokes DBoyWheeler and Mandle*

I don't see your votes yet.  :shocked::shocked:



(JudasFM, change 'https' to 'http')
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 21:19 by Frodo »

Mandle

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Sorry, had some RL issues this week.

I will read all and vote tonight.