Waddle to California, babe

BruisedWeasel · Mon 18/08/2003 06:27:21

I'm not sure how to word this. I'm still a little out of it. I thought I had managed to work past my need to kill myself. I've had no need to cut myself, raid the medicine cabinet, scratch myself or attempt any other method of damaging my person for a couple months now. Then I woke in on odd mood today,

I started packing up a small bag- sketchbook, penicles, feminine napkins

, etc... I felt so odd while doing it, very detached and methodical. And then I planned when I would leave, and what direction I would walk in. And 2 hours ago, I went outside and headed for the highway.

It's nice out tonight, slight breeze, a little more traffic than usual. I was out for about an hour, when suddenly I had a moment of clear thinking: I'm a 350 pound couch potato. I'd die of a heart attack or heatstroke before I got anywhere. What was I going to do? Waddle all the way to California? The only thing I would get from a highway-guided treck is death. Lots of fast semi trucks, lots of opportunity. And death was what I was seeking. And then I was humiliated to realise I chickened out.

I turned around and went home, knocked on the door to be let in because I had left my key in my room. My parents are in bed, and Angie (youngest sis) was at the comp so she let me in. She gave me an odd look when she saw the backpack, and I just went back into my guarded shell and said I had gone for a walk.

I never thought my desire to give up on life would take such a form. I guess I can't bury it and call myself cured. I understand now that I do need to tell my parents about my problems, a realisation I come to during some of my worse bouts of depression. But the minute I walked through the door into the living room, I decided I don't really need to tell them. I can handle it on my own.

I'm embarrassed, frightened (damn neer tears right now), and not sure where to go at this point. And typing this, I realise I really need to develope a circle of friends I can talk to instead of this posting on the forum shit. Lord knows internet geeks have all the answers- though that doesn't matter since I'm not asking for advice. meh... I'll just lurk in #ags for a couple more hours and imagine everyone there is naked- unless they're already naked, in which case I'll imagine them fully clothed.

Nacho · Mon 18/08/2003 06:59:03

What a strange post... I mean... Is it possible that you have problems, but it seems very strange for me specially because you were the person who was talking about the good ideas Hitler had, that the jews are cowars, theyÂ´re the main problem in the world and that they deserve death.

First you want to kill the jews... now you want to kill yourself...

Well, it is a good start to thinking in killing yourself before than thinking in killing other people...

Well, the truth is that I wouldnÂ´t be so rude if I were thinking that youÂ´re are a person with real suicidal attitudes. I donÂ´t trust any world of what youÂ´ve told, youÂ´re just a person trying to call the attention.

Ok, you got it, the first reply is here.

Now, please, order youÂ´re ideas because they make me sick.

Damn Nazis...

TheYak · Mon 18/08/2003 07:08:19

Farlander ... you mean to say that you never understood that she was toying with you? She was trying to screw with you and cause offense. She seemed to have succeeded. I understand that the language barrier makes subtleties like this difficult to understand, so don't feel too bad.

Scummbuddy · Mon 18/08/2003 07:20:05

I'm not touching the hitler ideas, for i dont know anything about these past convos... but I will say that you must tell your parents. You can not handle it on your own. If you could, then no one would have problems. Its okay to tell others and to ask for help... you will thank yourself later for where you will be now that you will be getting help. Please, for everyone's sake, get some help. Talk to your parents, and get back with a psychiatrist, or start new meetings with one if you haven't been before. Become able to tell them everything, remember, they can not reveal their patients problems to anyone, not even your parents. its against the law, at least in the USA, and you mentioned Cali, so I figured you weren't walking from Ontario or anything.

In the words of my shoes, JUST DO IT

Nacho · Mon 18/08/2003 07:26:29

Quote from: YakSpit on Mon 18/08/2003 07:08:19
Farlander ... you mean to say that you never understood that she was toying with you? She was trying to screw with you and cause offense. She seemed to have succeeded. I understand that the language barrier makes subtleties like this difficult to understand, so don't feel too bad.

Of course she succeded causing offense to me. I canÂ´t understand how a person can blame jews of the pains of the world, desire his death, and, after that, demanding help and claiming she wants to suicide.

I suppose that what she expect is a lot of replies of people telling "CÂ´mon Melia, we love you, donÂ´t give up..." Well, people must know what she said a few hours ago in #ags before that.

TheYak · Mon 18/08/2003 08:04:49

What she said was figuratively walking the line between the facetious and blatantly sarcastic. To put it simply, she was joking. Now if her style of humor wasn't to your taste ... to each his/her own.

auhsor · Mon 18/08/2003 08:05:31

Definately talk to someone. Get some help. Talk to your parents, a minister, a psycologist or something. I think that you do need some help.

Suicide is not the way out. You have to try and get past these thoughts. Talk to someone. Preferably in person, and not over the internet. Yeah, one of my frinds commited suicide a few weeks ago, and its made a big impact on my life and many others.

Yeah, thought i would pass on that advice.

DGMacphee · Mon 18/08/2003 08:11:19

Strange, because I've felt something similar.

Not to the point of suicide, mind you, but an empty feeling though.

And I keep feeling I need to fill it with something.

But the question is: What?

Nacho · Mon 18/08/2003 08:19:20

Quote from: YakSpit on Mon 18/08/2003 08:04:49
What she said was figuratively walking the line between the facetious and blatantly sarcastic. To put it simply, she was joking. Now if her style of humor wasn't to your taste ... to each his/her own.

Ok... I agree... She was joking. So, do you mean that a person that has been close to comite suicide can go to a Mirc channel and start joking? So, choose one.

a)She was not joking.
b)SheÂ´s lying about the suicide stuff.
c)SheÂ´s another person who thinks that making jokes about 6,000,000 deaths is funny.

I choose b and c.

What I mean is... I gave her many chances to tell me she was actually joking. I told her, -I hope youÂ´re joking... -YouÂ´re joking, right?

And she went on with the "joke". If she was joking or not, now does it matter for me, she was a person realising that she was disturbing me, and she did nothing to fix that... Does that person deserve now my help or my respect?

I think she doesnÂ´t.

BTW, I respect you, you can try to help her with your posts, for me, this matters is closed.

m0ds · Mon 18/08/2003 09:01:28

Wow. Does anyone like anyone still in this community?

And teh Melia, talk to someone about it, have a cry and tomorrow you'll find there are things to smile about ^_^

m0ds

TheYak · Mon 18/08/2003 13:11:41

I like everyone in the community.. at least since a certain kid left. That includes Melia. She's got a certain quirky style that I enjoy. Her ability to screw with some people's minds is entertaining. However, I do agree that she can have a tendency to take things a bit too far. To set the record straight, however, she did finally admit (to some degree) that she was kidding. She was, in a sense, being self-deprecating.

m0ds · Mon 18/08/2003 13:22:54

I think a lot of people think an internet forum is a court, where everyone elses opinions are on trial.

Why can't it be more like a pub, where you just have a laugh and agree?

m0ds

DGMacphee · Mon 18/08/2003 14:49:34

OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR -- MODS'S OPINON AERS TEH PENASS!!1!

$:-\$

* DGMacphee shuts up and drinks his pint.

Nacho · Mon 18/08/2003 15:39:21

YakSplit, she didnÂ´t apologized to me, not Barcik or Highwaygal, two examples of the jew community in AGS. BTW, if you say sheÂ´s apologising, I accepts the apologises and for me, the issue is over.

She told me before leaving #ags that I am missjudging he, my door is open for her to explain to me what really happened yesterday.

I can assume that people may have the bad taste of making jokes of the holocaust, but she must assume how stupid were the acts she performed yesterday. I say stupid, yeah, I canÂ´t try to make sweeter that bitter words, making jokes of so serious issues IS NOT FUNNY.

Hoping to close this issue with no more offences.

Farlander.

P.S. There is one kid in the community... who is back. I donÂ´t know if youÂ´re talking of the same I refer, but I defended him, telling AGSers that everybody deserves a warm goodbye, and now heÂ´s bothering me and many others... I know how you felt.

Or are you talking of the "teh guy whose name canÂ´t be pronounced"... Hosam*v?

Barcik · Mon 18/08/2003 20:54:00

Err... I really don't understand what is happening. Anti-semitism? Where?

Captain Mostly · Mon 18/08/2003 23:15:14

I still like you m0ds! I like most people round here, particularly Squinky, who made my half-assed re-hash of my puzzle game look cool and feel fresh! (Although I know he's gonna get best the non-adventure-game award for his damn mittens shooter game because the people who were at mittens will vote for it, and zombies are cooler than vegetables! GAH! What you people don't know is that I only made VPXT because I thought that non-adventures was the only catagory where to competition was weak enough for me to be in with a chance!)

Anyway, as for suicidal tendancies, I had a friend who knocked them out of the window by learning C++. Only he wasn't expecting C++ to help, it just suddenly grabbed his attention, and gave him something to be passionate about.

It might sound like an odd suggestion, but try taking up lots and lots of new activities, then filtering out the ones you don't end up thinking are cool. If nothing else it'll keep you too busy to have time to worry about general alienation and depression (which, if you keep your fingers crossed REALLY tight, could end up having been a faze all along, and go away without expencive therapy and electrical shock treatment, which causes memory loss anyway).

And if it's not a phase, get hypnotherapy. If nothing else it looks cool on your CV!

m0ds · Mon 18/08/2003 23:42:55

LOL DGM and Captain

Anyway, this is Melia's thread ._.

Captain Mostly · Mon 18/08/2003 23:47:51

oh man, I just realised I was giving advice when Bruised said she didn't want it! I'm such a dick! Sorry.

Ok, here's my post re-edited to avoid advice giving:

[off topic section]

Come on luv, buck up! It's not as bad as all that! You're just in a bit of a rut, it'll pass!

EDIT:
Who's melia?

Evil · Tue 19/08/2003 00:59:13

"Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms..."

"There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety..."

"There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures..."

"The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings..."

Does this sound like you??? A lot of people have this...

"As high as 10-14% of the general population..."