DG's Tech Support Service

[DGMacphee]

Hello, and welcome to my Tech Support thread.

I will answer any technical questions you may have no problems.

I give 100% top-notch feedback for your problems, whatever they may be.

Have a look at these satisfied customers:
http://www.agsforums.com/yabb/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=9261

The best part is it's free!

So ask me anything: Problems with the computer, trouble with the love life, want to know what that lint is always doing in your buttcrack -- No question is too difficult for DG!

So, start asking now!

NOW!!!

[SSH]

Dear Auntie DG,

I keep arguing with someone I am secretly in love with and picking pedantic holes in their English usage, what should I do?

Hugs and Kisses,

SSH

[Privateer Puddin']

I can't sleep and I think one of my files has a virus but I can't access it to delete it

heheh

[Ishmael]

I need a device which can be used to connect a USB device to serial or parellar port. Where can I find one?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Auntie DG,

I keep arguing with someone I am secretly in love with and picking pedantic holes in their English usage, what should I do?

Hugs and Kisses,

SSH

Look up the word 'Hari-kari', then commit it.

I can't sleep and I think one of my files has a virus but I can't access it to delete it

heheh

You are me -- Therefore, you are so awesome and don't need Tech Support!

So, go away!

I need a device which can be used to connect a USB device to serial or parellar port. Where can I find one?

Try Mappomedia Industries -- They have everything!

http://mappomedia.tripod.com/

If Mappomedia doesn't have what you are looking for, just jam the USB socket into the hole and beat your computer with a cricket bat.

If your computer reports that it is faulty from repeated beatings with a cricket bat, then don't worry, that is just probably a front for some spyware that's installed on your computer.

[Pumaman]

dear mr macphee,

there's this guy... erm, girl who i really fancy, but im too scared to ask them out. Can u help?

yours,
sleepless

[Evil]

Dear Sex Master DGMacphee,

My current 'love' affair, if you will, I just learned told my ex whom I was madly in love with that we where doing things behind her back causing her breakup with me. Now, I have an ex who hates me and thinks I'm an asshole and a lying female demanding sex from me. What do I do?

Thanks for the advice ahead of time so I can revoke it,
Guy who needs to get laid with a girl that isnt a bitch.

[Domino]

hello,

just wanted to know what to do about personal feminine itching?

woops, wrong board.



j/k

[MrColossal]

Dear DG

Hey, well.. I guess I'll just get too it... There's this stupid post that appeared on AGS GEN GEN and well since i'm a mod of that same forum [i won't tell you who i am! this is anonymous right?] well since I'm a mod on that forum I really want to lock it...

I mean really... What should I do?

Confused With Power

[Squinky]

Dear DgGGG,

Do chicks Really dig Scars?

[Nellie]

Dear Ms Macphee

My socks keep dropping fluff on the carpet.  What I want to know is: should I have salt with my chips?

[Simple]

What are the chords to Cracklin' Rosie, and why am I always inaudible above the music when I sing that deep "Oh I love my Rosie child" part?

Part B:  Balls?

[Gilbert]

DG my dearing darling,

How about we get out together and have a nice swim in the Mediterranian Sea? Maybe we can dive in the water and discover teh wonderful city of Atlantis!1!

[Layabout]

DG,

I keep getting a boner when i play with the dog... Am I into Beastiality???

Teh Dog Humperer...

[DGMacphee]

Man, Tech Support is HARD!

dear mr macphee,

there's this guy... erm, girl who i really fancy, but I'm too scared to ask them out. Can you help?

yours,
sleepless

Yes, I can -- What you must do is kidnap her and put her in a large pit.

This will give her time to fall madly in love with you while you make a jacket from the skin of your victims.

Make sure you give her plenty of lotion and watch out that she doesn't hold your dog hostage.

Dear Sex Master DGMacphee,

My current 'love' affair, if you will, I just learned told my ex whom I was madly in love with that we where doing things behind her back causing her breakup with me. Now, I have an ex who hates me and thinks I'm an asshole and a lying female demanding sex from me. What do I do?

Thanks for the advice ahead of time so I can revoke it,
Guy who needs to get laid with a girl that isnt a bitch.

Oh man, the answer here is so damn simple, and it'll make things fair for everyone.

What you must do is cheat on your current 'love' affair with your ex.

Then the 'love' affair can cheat on you with your ex.

Then I go to the bathroom with some K-Y Jelly.

...

Excuse me...

[remixor]

Deer DG,

Why do you have antlers?

[DGMacphee]

Okay, I'm back!

hello,

just wanted to know what to do about personal feminine itching?

What the hell is 'personal feminine itching'?

Can't you itch like a man for crying out loud?!

And why is it 'personal'??

Is there a 'public feminine itching' too?

Man, you need help, which is why I recommend prison!

Dear DG

Hey, well.. I guess I'll just get too it... There's this stupid post that appeared on AGS GEN GEN and well since i'm a mod of that same forum [i won't tell you who i am! this is anonymous right?] well since I'm a mod on that forum I really want to lock it...

I mean really... What should I do?

Confused With Power

Yeah, I'm getting damn sick and tired of that rodekill posting all that crap too.

You should not only lock his post but ban him altogether!

Then hunt him for game -- Yeah, that'll REALLY make him pee!

Dear DgGGG,

Do chicks Really dig Scars?

Some chicks I know even dig post-mortem scars.

Dear Ms Macphee

My socks keep dropping fluff on the carpet.  What I want to know is: should I have salt with my chips?

What the???

Is this some secret code for 'I want to commit necrophilia but don't know how?'

Either way, you should seek professional councilling from this guy:



I heard he "nips problems in the butt".

What are the chords to Cracklin' Rosie, and why am I always inaudible above the music when I sing that deep "Oh I love my Rosie child" part?

Part B:  Balls?

I think it goes something like: duh-dum-duh-duh-dadadada-something-something-lalalala-du-DUH-DUH-LAAAAAAA!

Also, if you are inaudible, sing louder, even if your parents crash your room with Uzis and tell you to shut up -- If it worked for Celine Dion, it'll work for you.

Also:

DG my dearing darling,

How about we get out together and have a nice swim in the Mediterranian Sea? Maybe we can dive in the water and discover teh wonderful city of Atlantis!1!

This is a terrible problem you have -- I recommend a perscription of Echinacea!

That'll clear those sinuses of yours!

DG,

I keep getting a boner when i play with the dog... Am I into Beastiality???

Teh Dog Humperer...

I'd be more worried if the dog is getting a boner while playing with you.



Helping people sure is rewarding!

[DGMacphee]

Deer DG,

Why do you have antlers?

I think the more important question is "Where do I have antlers?"  



I just had a realy crazy idea -- Why don't I turn this into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.

Each week someone different gives the worst possible tech support they can to people.

What do you all think?

[Simple]

Dear DG,

I used to visit these boards frequently, but have had a recent extended absence.  I've returned, but one of my old friends is asking me about turning one of his posts into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.  I know that our forefathers died so that I'd have the right to vote, but I'm not sure what to do.

How should I vote?

--Mister P____

[Barcik]

Dear Daniel,

How many eggs do I need to do an omlette?

Yours faithfully,
Boris