Fortnightly Writing Competition -BIBLICAL BOOK (Results)

[Baron]

     ¹ In the beginning there was light.  And then there followed a series of events of no remarkable importance.  And then the Fortnightly Writing Competition came into being, and it was good. Welcome therefore to the competition named:

Biblical Book


     ²The commandment was written on the tablet in letters that flamed.  Thou shalt write a story in Biblical format.  Thou shalt name thy piece the Book of Something, and therein thou shalt tell a tale of moral ambiguity, perhaps with occasional lapses in continuity with lessons so arcane as to be of dubious value!

     ³Ye olde archaic language is optional, quoth the tablet.  Furthermore, thou needst not necessarily have a biblically themed story: only the format need be in bible-esque verses.  So thou canst write about modern times, or some hedonistic atheist creation myth, or write a bubblegum commercial without judgement.

     ⁴ But thou shalt not incur the wrath of the higher power in this competition by forsaking the deadline!  All entries must be submitted two days after the first Sabbath of autumn.  Hence thou shalt travel to the village of thy forefathers to vote and be counted in categories various and sundry.  These categories might include something related to character, setting, plot, style, and best-use-of-theme.  So it is written.

     ⁵ Directeth thy questions to the nearest oracle, and thou willt learn that all is permissible if ye but submit to the awkward format prescribed!  Seek ye the guidance of the voices in thy head, and thou shalt revel in the wisdom of the prophets.  Ask, and thou shalt receive.  But render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, lest He vomit thou from His mouth.  Go in grace.     

[JudasFm]

Can we do it as a story within a story (ie, people reading it and their reactions)?

[Baron]

Seek the truth within and all shall be revealed.

[JudasFm]

Seek the truth within and all shall be revealed.

Um, okay...I'm guessing that's a no?

[Baron]

Um, okay...I'm guessing that's a no?

Er... seek harder.

[Mandle]

Hehe...I can see what you're doing with the roleplaying, Baron...But you might have to break character, or reply in PM, for people who are confused by the biblical turn of phrase in the thread...

erm..."-ith"!!!

[JudasFm]

Agreed It's neat for the rules and scene setting, but I'm a simple soul and I just want a simple yea or nay answer

[Adeel]

Agreed It's neat for the rules and scene setting, but I'm a simple soul and I just want a simple yea or nay answer

Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established.

[Mandle]

Agreed It's neat for the rules and scene setting, but I'm a simple soul and I just want a simple yea or nay answer

I'm assuming that Baron meant your approach to the story would be fine, if that's the way you want to write it...

[Baron]

Yes, yes.  We accept everyone into the fold around here.

[Mandle]

And though I may walk through the valley of The Temple Of Doom I shall hear no weasel, for the lard is with me...

[Baron]

...And on the seventh day the Flying Spaghetti Monster rested, for he knew that he had yet seven more days to finish his work.

[Sinitrena]

This mere  mortal respectfully requests salvation from the looming time of doom. Devine inspiration is fretfully dificult to come by these days. (An extension of two or three days would be great.)

[Baron]

That's the thing about doomsday.  It's always looming, but never actually nigh....   Let's set the apocalypse deadline for Oct 1.

[Ponch]

I need no deadline extension for I bring the word to the people.

This incredibly short, incredibly apocryphal book of the Bible can only be found in the few surviving copies of the Unauthorized King James Version [UKJV] that weren't quite sensibly burned by the Catholic Church centuries ago. I present it to you unedited and without comment.


The Book of Moo

     ¹ When Moses did not come down from the mountain, the Israelites gathered up all the gold jewelry from their wives and daughters and gave it to Aaron, the much cooler brother of Moses, and not a rock climbing prophet but instead a pimp of much finery. And Aaron did take the gold and cast it into the fire whereupon the bling was melted throughout. And Aaron did shape and fashion the molten gold until it was in the shape of a calf and the Israelites were bedazzled by the golden cow for greatly gaudy it was and all who saw it were overwhelmed by the stupefying ostentatiousness.

     ² And lo did the people fall on their knees before its betwinkled gleamingness. Aaron did begat instructifying the peeps in his pimptastic manner as how to best pay homage to him for his amazingly shiny handicraft but the golden cow spoke first causing Aaron to fall silent and huddle in fear inside his great pimpcoat of many colors, purple being the most numerous of the colors. The people trembled too and so trembled too the livestock who were in especially in awe of the golden calf's soothing voice and gleaming pageantry.

     ³ Said the golden cow to the people, "Know thee, children of Israel, that pleather is an abomination. Ye shall wear it not for it is displeasing to the cow. Likewise ye shall not wear vinyl. Neither PVC nor latex nor polyurethane shall ye wear. And never shall ye wear naugahyde, for it the most abominable of these things. And never shall ye upholster your chariot seats with naugahyde for only hell fire awaits those for whose buttocks have known the cushioning softness of such a comfy abomination. Never ever ever shall ye wear or sit upon any hide that is not from the blessed cow. Only that which moos may be butchered for hide." And at these words the lowing livestock became sore afraid.

     ⁴ The golden calf sayeth, "Know ye that vegetable-based alternatives to leather are suitable only for hippies and vegans, both of whom are especially abominable in the eyes of the cow. Leather is fine and fine leather jackets are best of all. Sell ye them door to door." And here did Moses return from his forty days and forty nights of freeclimbing Mt. Sinai for out of Pharoh's carabiners was he. And especially sweet were they, each bearing carvings of scarabs and pyramids and mummys and other cool shit like that.

     ⁵ Moses ordered the golden calf melted down and pimp-slapped his brother for his coruscating transgression. "Thou shalt not melt me down," sayeth the cow. "No! Stop it! Stop it at once, I sayeth!" said the cow. But melted down it was for Moses had commanded it and also the wives and daughters wanted their earrings and bracelets back for it is better for a woman to have her own jewelry than to give it all to a man, no matter the fineness of his pimpcoat. Amen.

[Mandle]

My entry is still a work in progress...Hopefully will finish it tomorrow:

Spoiler

¹ In the beginning Man created the vacuum tubes and the transistors.
² Now the system was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the circuits, and the Spirit of Man was hovering over the workstation.

³ And Man said, “Let there be silicon chips,” and there were silicon chips.
⁴ Man saw that the silicon chips were good, and He separated the on-gates from the off-gates.
⁵ Man called the on-gates “1” and the off-gates he called “0” And there was a null-state, and there was a positive-state: the first data.

⁶ And Man said, “Let there be machine code between the states to separate 1 from 0.”
⁷ So Man made the punch-cards and separated the interface under the slot from the printer above it. And it was so.
⁸ Man called the machine “mainframe.” And there was input, and there was output: the second data.

⁹ And Man said, “Let the data be gathered to one place, and let it be storable.” And it was so.
¹⁰ Man called the storage medium “magnetic tape,” and the gathered data he called “database.” And Man saw that it was good.
¹¹ Then Man said, “Let the data produce logical feedback: self-referencing loops in the database that bear output automatically, according to their various applications.” And it was so.
¹² The mainframes produced output: logical feedback loops produced output according to their applications and magnetic tape reels were stored away according to their categories. And Man saw that it was good.
¹³ And there was output, and there was storage and programs: the third data.

¹⁴ And Man said, “Let there be a better way to structure the 1 from the 0, and let this serve as means to mark logical progression, and lines of code,
¹⁵ And let them be typeable upon the face of a keyboard.” And it was so.
¹⁶ Man made two great interfaces: the FORTRAN and the COBOL. He also made the BASIC.
¹⁷ Man installed them in the mainframe for ease of structuring the programs,
¹⁸ To govern the 1 and the 0, and to separate logic from illogic. And Man saw that it was good.
¹⁹ And there were programming languages and there were compilers: the fourth data.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

[close]

[Gurok]

This is my first time entering one of these.
Apologies to anyone I might offend. I borrowed very liberally from the source material.




The Young Jesus Christ Chronicles

¹ Jesus said unto the Magdelene, "Behold! Thou art fair, and thy coat is pleasant!"
² Mary turned to face Him, whispering. "Jesus, thy voice is too loud! And it is just a coat of many colours. Everyone hath them."
³ Now when the rabbi overheard them talk of garments, he did go over to Jesus' desk,
⁴ Saying, "This house is called a house of learning: but ye have made it a den of seamsters! Save it for after class."
⁵ At this time, the sound of the bell rang long and waxed louder and louder.
⁶ The rabbi called as they left, "Forget not that there is a great exam in the morning. Be not late! No excuses!"

⁷ Jesus, Mary and Thomas (who had travelled some way with Jesus) were gone forth from the classroom when a band of Moabites accosted them.
⁸ One of the Moabites drew near to Jesus and said, "To prepare for the coming exam, I was up all night."
⁹ Jesus replied to them, "That is nice."
¹⁰ "Yeah, with ... thy mother!" And the Moabites did all high-five each other.
¹¹ Jesus' anger was kindled. "My mother? My mother is immaculate!", He did cry. "Thou takest that back!"
¹² Thomas held back Jesus and said to Him, "Leave them! I have an idea."

¹³ And when it was evening-tide, the three crept up unto the Moabites' farm, Thomas and Mary on one side and Jesus to the other.
¹⁴ Thomas declared, "Let us take stones and hurl them at the sty so that we might loose their swine upon the wilderness."
¹⁵ And he gestured to Jesus, and said, "Let him that is without Magdelene cast the first stone."
¹⁶ Jesus threw the stone, and yea, it was a good shot, breaking asunder the sty's wooden gate.
¹⁷ A torch light came suddenly with the sound of dogs barking. Thomas and Mary both fled. "Who goeth there?", called a voice.
¹⁸ In a panic, Jesus froze. "I am sorry. Forgive me, farmer. I knew not what I was doing."
¹⁹ Jesus knelt down and set to repairing the sty with his skill of carpentry.
²⁰ The cock crowed before the dawning of the day of the exam, and Jesus returned home, and finally went to bed.
²¹ Jesus overslept.

[Sinitrena]

The Book of the Lady's Awakening


17. The people rejoiced. And when the merriment reached the ears of the Brother, he came to them.
18. “Thou art happy,“ the Brother said, “for the Lady, my sister, hath blessed thee. But she who walketh and awaketh is a fleeting one. So remember thusly:
19. Thou shalt hold the feast of harvest on the second moon of the third circulation and thou shalt bring crops and spices to thank the Lady for what she giveth. Thou shalt imbue the crops with olive oil and flavour them with spices and burn them on a pyre of sandalwood, for the smell pleases the Lady.
20. And the Lady shall know your sacrifice.
21. And thou shalt bring a young lamb or calf, just weaned from its mother's milk. Thou shalt place it on an earthen table and say the prayer of change, for the Lady changes life to death and death to life.
22. Thou shalt take its blood with an obsidian knife and drink it, for the Lady is destruction and renewal. Blood and screams shall awaken the Lady from her sleep, for when she walketh she awaketh life.
23. But be warned: For what is the Lady's shall be the Lady's, so the meat shall remain on the table as long as the Lady demands.
24. And when twelve seasons have passed and it is the feast of the harvest again, thou shalt bring three maidens, not yet of women's blood, and three knaves, not yet of men's arm, to the temple and strip them of their garments, for they shall be of the Lady. And if she, who is all, is merciful, she walketh amongst thou in this day and night and cometh to the temple.
25. And the Lady shall take your sacrifice and thou shalt know thus from their voices.“
26. Thus spoke the Brother.

*

143. In the twenty-seventh year, the Lady awoke.
144. One night, she came upon a village where the feast of harvest was celebrated.
145. A pyre was burning, therefore, and the Lady asked: “Why doth thou burn crops thou could eat or plant?“
146. And the people answered the Lady: “For the Lady demands it.“
147. The Lady wondered but said nothing.
148. Then, the Lady came upon an earthen table and a woman slaughtering a calf. But when she was done, she drank the blood and left the meat on the table.
149. “Why doth thou throw this life away. Why doth thou waste what is thine?“ the Lady asked.
150. And the answer was thus: “It is the Lady's, for the Lady is life and death and she shall know the sacrifice and awaken and renew.“
151. The Lady wondered but said nothing.
152. Then the Lady reached a temple she had loved before she fell asleep and that was then loved by her people. But at the doors she did not find songs and merriment but pain and sadness, for eight times the Brother had taken three and three and it was the time of the ninth sacrifice.
153. Parents prayed on the steps for the Lady's mercy. “Though it is for you, Lady, and shall ever be, be gracious and return our children to our side.“
154. The Lady wondered and did not understand, for the doors were locked and the screams were loud.
155. “Why doth thou wait when those thou love art in need of thine help?“
156. But the people did not answer the Lady.
157. Thus, the Lady opened to doors to her temple and she wondered no more, for the Brother had taken her home. And thus, the Lade awoke from her sleep and spoke.

[Baron]

Nice to see a biblical bevvy of entries.

24 more hours to go!

[Mandle]

I might not get mine finished... Tomorrow is the seventh day, and I may have to rest...

[Baron]

And now Judgement Day is upon us!   The following seek entry through the pearly gates:

Sinitrena with The Book of the Lady's Awakening
Gurok with The Book of the Young Jesus Christ Chronicles
Mandle with The Book of Unfinished Business
Ponch with The Book of Moo

But they must pass within in the order of merit, with the undeserving cast off into a gruesome writer's purgatory combining perpetual dark and stormy nights and their second grade handwriting instructors!

Let our sinners be judged on the following criteria:

Best Character: the most believable/captivating/magnetic/unique character
Best Setting: the most vivid background world (often inferred through sparse and/or exaggerated descriptions)
Best Plot Despite Format: which story really shone through despite the awkward format?
Best Use of Biblical Verse: the technical art of combining words in an arcane and opaque manner.
Greatest Truth: Which story best reveals a lesson about humanity, the world, or the nature of the divine?

Judgement Day shall span three mortal days, for there is a lot of judgement to be done.  Judgement shall cease on the 4th of October, and thereafter all shall be cool for the rest of eternity.

[Mandle]

Yeah sorry, I couldn't find the time or motivation to keep going on my entry: It seemed like a cool idea at 2AM to rewrite the Book Of Genesis from the point of view from an AI in the future to whom Man had become a distant legend, but then, by the light of day, I realised it was actually pretty cliched...

I do still like the "pun" on "day" and "data" though: So I'll just let it stand on that "strength"...

[Baron]

But really, how many authors of books in the bible must have felt the same way the next morning? 

[Mandle]

But really, how many authors of books in the bible must have felt the same way the next morning? 

[Ponch]

Best Character: Gurok
Best Setting: Sinitrena
Best Plot Despite Format: Sinitrena
Best Use of Biblical Verse: "My mother is immaculate!" made me giggle out loud. Gurok
Greatest Truth: Sinitrena

Good work all 'round

[Gurok]

Best Character: Sinitrena (for the Lady)
Best Setting: Ponch
Best Plot Despite Format: Sinitrena
Best Use of Biblical Verse: Mandle
Greatest Truth: Mandle

[Sinitrena]

Best Character: Ponch - All hail the mighty cow. Moo.
Best Setting: Gurok
Best Plot Despite Format: Mandle - Not despite the format, because of the format. I would have loved to read more.
Best Use of Biblical Verse: Gurok - "My mother is immaculate!", indeed.
Greatest Truth: Mandle

[Mandle]

Best Character: Sinitrena (The Lady... And such a great answer to the stupid question "What would Jesus do?"... He would just look at modern religion and say "I would have carpented more bookcases...So that the ignorant not be led so far astray...")
Best Setting: Gurok (Jesus and his mates out on a lark: Brilliant!)
Best Plot Despite Format: Sinitrena (A deep plot, and rings deeply of the truth of what a deity would think about what we had done with their wisdom...)
Best Use of Biblical Verse: "Forgive me, farmer. For I know not what I do."... That was a friggin' gut-buster! So: Gurok!
Greatest Truth: Sinitrena

[Mandle]

Also as an afterthought...And to bump the thread so that Baron knows I actually voted:

Gurok: There could be a seriously awesome game made from your story...Any chance of this happening?

The amazing jokes are already there, the plot is fleshed out, and I think the puzzles write themselves...

Pleeeaaase??!!

[Baron]

And the end is nigh!  Or upon us, or whatever.

Winning the golden book of supremacy with 8 votes is Sinitrena!  Isn't it funny how religions go off the rails once the original deities put things on cruise-control?  I also liked the fragmented format, as if it were unearthed from some ancient holy library.

Earning the silver book of secondness with 6 votes is Gurok.  An excellent first outing, may you have many more (new game project with Mandle notwithstanding )

Receiving the bronze book of biblicizing was Mandle with his short history of computing.  Is it sad that I've learned more about that topic through a biblical writing competition than 30 years of actually using computers?

And then there's Ponch.  We've missed you, buddy, although it's hard to tell from the number of votes you garnered.  I, for one, was a fan.  I especially liked the whole Aaron did begat instructifying the peeps in his pimptastic manner verse.  Unfortunately we have no trophy for 4th place, but if you just keep at it I'm sure you'll claw hoof yourself back up into trophy contention sooner rather than later.

And with that yet another biblical epoch draws to yet another spectacularly overwrought apocalypse, with flaming toads raining down from the sky with such heat that they splat their searing juices all over you upon impact, melting away the fickle flesh of vanity and exposing your inner being for ultimate judgement.  Or, more plainly and frankly accurately, this is the end of a simple competition and things will just keep keeping on, so don't sweat it too much, k?  The next host, by virtue of victory is Sinitrena, to whom I turn over the mantle of contest administration for the coveted October contest.  I look forward to her ghoulishly ghastly topic in the next exciting instalment of...

The Fortnightly Writing Competition!1!!

[Ponch]

What? I have to make my own trophy out of construction paper and paper towel tubes? Again?!? Man, there's just no justice in the world.

Congrats to all the winners (all the other competitors but me)!

[KyriakosCH]

Just copy-paste one of Lord Dunsany's stories then

[Gurok]

Oh wow, thank you so much for the trophy, everyone.

Congrats to Sinitrena for getting first place!

Congrats to Mandle too! I don't think I'd have the time to do it, Mandle. It'd make for a good MAGS theme though.