Fortnightly Writing Competition - Write About What You Don't Know (RESULTS)

Started by Stupot, Sat 31/12/2016 02:43:44

Previous topic - Next topic

Stupot

An oft-repeated piece of advice for writing is that one should write about what one knows (indeed, this was the theme of FWC in March last year). But what about those of us who want to write but don't know jack squat about anything? Why can't we write about what we don't know?



Think of a subject you know nothing about. It doesn't have to be one you find boring - just something you haven't got around to reading about yet (and be honest - it must be something you really wouldn't last one minute in a conversation about). Then, do a bit of research around that subject and then base your story on your new found knowledge.

There are no other thematic rules or regulations.
Deadline is Jan 14th
After that, votes will be given for setting, character(s), plot, style/word choice and best implementation of newfound knowledge.

Mandle

Awesome theme!

And reminds me of Mrs. Hazeltine from the creative writing class in Throw Momma From The Train and her unresearched submarine thriller:

QuoteMrs. Hazeltine: "Dive! Dive!" yelled the Captain through the thing! So the man who makes it dive pressed a button, or a something, and it dove. And, the enemy was foiled again. "Looks like we foiled them again," said Dave. "Yeah," said the Captain. "We foiled those bastards again. Didn't we, Dave." "Yeah," said Dave. The End.

Baron

Quote from: Stupot+ on Sat 31/12/2016 02:43:44
(~ Jan 14th)

In common English usage the tilde (~) means approximately, but this is not the only meaning of the character.  In mathematics the tilde can mean negation, so the deadline is definitely not Jan 14th.  In economics, however, the tilde can denote consumer indifference: so, nobody cares about Jan 14th.  In electronics it denotes alternating, so only sometimes Jan 14th.  Apparently the Unix convention is to use the tilde to denote a backup, so Jan 14th is the fall-back date. But in Microsoft file naming it can mean temporary, so temporarily Jan 14th.  In juggling notation it can mean on top, which gets kinda weird when thinking about dates. :P  In Asian languages it is often used to denote a range, so this might mean between various Jan 14ths?  But since Stupot+ is an expert in Japanese, it probably has the Japanese meaning of either being the start of a subtitle (like a colon in English), a mark denoting sarcasm, or a way to extend the final syllable of a word.  So I guess the deadline is January 14tthhhhhhhhhhhh?  :undecided:

Babar

A bit of a off-topic aside, but I'm quiet happy to have gotten such a high position in last writing competitition Seeing the skills of mine validated was to make me feel I should gift to back this little sub-comunity to so as to help you all improve your stories, because honestly, they kinda sucky this time now. Here some writing tips, so in that vain, to help you out (in future and this competitions!

1st of, you might not realised, but unless you have a word limit you don't have word limit and usually the competitive creater didn't give a word lomit. Forum posts have a word, limit but that' not a restiction that word limit is chance to organise you're store in chapters. All the sapace from a lack of word limit you need it t o fresh out your story. Gift detail description off everything. Its help with word-building. If you get chance, definitively you should read the expanded edition of The Stand. It is the masterclass. Steven King spents 5 pages describbing a petrol station. After reading you can almost taste the rusted pumps after reading through it. So, in, conclusion, go for broke and write for the moon!

One the other hand, broken chronologisms is also another great writing technicue to you should use to great affect. It really draws in the player amd makes you invented in the story. IT has in the added benefit to that you can kill off the your main player at thes tart which is the best type of story ended. Guy Pierce made a great tv/film about this that you I highly recommend watch for anticipation.

On the other hand, I hope my suggestion helped and I'll looking foreword towards the future of the writing competition for the insolent entries you will all made from this my help. I maybe might add the sum more questions later on for more helpfulness to all of you!
The ultimate Professional Amateur

Now, with his very own game: Alien Time Zone

kconan

ââ,,¢Â« KCONAN: ON MUSIC ââ,,¢Â«

I've been exposed to music my whole life.  Whether in the car listening to the radio, taking in a movie, or perhaps zoning out to reruns of Popup Video.  You know how when someone tells a professional comedian “My friends tell me I'm funny” it means that they are both instantly in the same league talent-wise?  Well that applies here, and so it would be a shame if I didn't share my vast internal compendium of musical knowledge with you â€" the laymen.  Below is a handy organized reference on how to make music.  I've included the various types of instruments, from blowey to pluckey and everything in-between, as well handy tips for both crooners and conductors (up to maestro level).

PIANO
1.   Lower head, staring directly at the rectangular black and white things.
2.   Raise hands high in the air.
3.   Mash.

GUITAR (ALL VARIETIES INCLUDING THE BIG ONES)
1.   For slow tempo, pluck or strum the springy wires slowly.  For fast tempo, pluck or strum the springy wires fast.  If playing anything by Cannibal Corpse, thrash around while violently strumming until your fingers bleed.
Pro Tip:  Watch the documentary called Guitar Hero.

DRUMS (FOR NON-RUSH)
1.   Learn that finger twirley thing.
2.   If slow tempo, slowly hit the wood sticks onto the white circle thingys.  If faster tempo, shake head up-and-down and wildly flail about.
DRUMS (FOR ANYTHING BY RUSH)
1.   No, you blasphemer, you can't play Rush.

TUBA
1.   You have to be both cool and stocky to play the tuba.  If you meet these requirements, proceed to instruction 2.
2.   Polish the brass until it's sparkly.
3.   Blow into whichever part of the ungainly thing has a hole.
4.   Depress the brass buttons at your leisure.

TRUMPET
1.   Inflate your cheeks like a blowfish.
2.   Blow into hole.
3.   Depress the brass buttons quickly.
Pro Tip:  Purple, veiny face means you are doing it right.

FLUTE (AND SOME HIGHER END KAZOOS)
1.   If you are male and still in either middle or high school, find a secure room to play this type of instrument alone and never tell any classmates, and then you may proceed to instruction 2.  All others may proceed to instruction 2 without concern.
2.   Place mouth over blowhole.
3.   Blow while randomly covering and uncovering the holes with your fingers.
4.   Dance like a renaissance faire gypsy.

SAXOPHONE
1.   Acquire wayfarer sunglasses and don them.
2.   DO NOT WALK, but coolly sashay over to the instrument.
3.   Smile.
4.   Close eyes.
5.   Blow while depressing brass buttons and sashaying back-and-forth.

ACCORDION
1.   If extracting information from prisoner, proceed to instruction 2.  In all other cases do not proceed.
2.   Secure prisoner in a chair.
3.   Work bellows while fingering keys until he or she talks.

FIDDLE/VIOLIN/CELLO/VIOLA
1.   If it's the small one, place it over your shoulder.  If big, place on the ground.
2.   Appear serious and introspective.
3.   Softly move the small bow-and-arrow thing over the wires repeatedly while swaying your upper body.
Pro Tip:  If you are playing a fiddle and the devil appears, consult Charlie Daniels.

CONDUCTORS (HOW-TO)
1.   You must have long stringy hair and an intense persona, if so proceed to instruction 2.
2.   Loom over orchestra from behind ornate podium and stare.
3.   When they start making noise, raise your arms and begin swinging your hands as if you are swatting flies.  Note: One hand should contain a pointy stick.
4.   Occasionally pause and slowly swing the pointy stick while keeping the other hand still.
Pro Tip:  When finished, deeply bow and take all the credit.

VOCALIST (LEAD SINGER, BACKUP VOCALS DO NOT MATTER)
1.   If you are doing 90s rock, try to sound like Dave Matthews.  For all else just refer to what you do in the shower and never, ever use an autotuner.
Pro Tip:  Appear brooding and indifferent when receiving eager groupies.

Stupot

Any more for any more?
Does anyone have a story based on their research?
One day left.

Baron

I'm over half done, but it will have to wait to tomorrow to be finished. :P

Baron

Mah, I stayed up drinking and finished it. :=

The Art of the Bar Pick-Up

   Witness the plight of the solitary male, a social animal ostracized by all except his fellow loners.  He is doomed to a life of extended pubescence in his parents' basement where he perpetually hones the martial arts of konyaku and FPS in preparation for the apocalyptic event that will shake society to its foundations and give him his opportunity to gain status.  His only other plausible tracks of advancement are a garage-band success in alliance with his fellow outsiders, or securing the support of a human female.

   Undaunted as always by long-odds and shortcomings, the solitary male will embark on the acquisition of female support with brazen confidence and unwavering determination.  It is imperative that he first prepare physically, as he has learned through long years of careful study of action movies and pornography that human females are attracted only to the burliest and most bad-assed males.  He will sensibly attempt to bulk up, first with a protein intensive diet, and then with nutritional supplements that the power of modern science has created for late night infomercials.  He will break cheap exercise equipment to prove his strength and virility.  And he will attempt to extend his sex organ  to elephantine proportions through the use of painful weights and Swedish mail-order implements.

   Satisfied after a couple days of vigorous body enhancement, the solitary male then turns his attention to the trappings of fashion.  Just as the peacock entrances the peahen with his shiny plumage, so too shall the male fancy himself up in the most eye-catching of manners.  He shall bathe thoroughly and shave the neck-hair at female eye-level.  However he shall leave a thin strip of hair along his upper lip to give proof of maximum testosterone, which will satisfy the female lust for strong children.  He will spare no expense for both hair product and pheromone-infused cologne, as he needs any edge he can possibly gain over his less-informed competition.  For clothing he dons uncomfortably tight garments to show off his genetic endowments, with lots of superfluous buckles and chains so that he can dazzle a female like a shimmering constellation of jewels.

   And now the choice of time and place.  The solitary male will emerge from his den at a nocturnal hour, when the human female is known to get a little drowsy, thus potentially letting down her guard.  Likewise, he will enhance his chances for success by choosing a venue where the most desperate human females are known to congregate.  He will steer away from high-class venues that will expose his limited financial resources because all the classy girls are logically already taken anyway.  His preferred milieu will have open sight-lines but dense herds of human females, preferably smelling slightly of beer and second-hand smoke so as to mask his approach from upwind.  At this point he may enlist the services of a trusted wingman whose job it will be to help separate his prey from the herd by feigning interest in an uglier friend. 

   Having settled on a hunting ground, it is now that the hunt truly begins.  The solitary male will establish himself in a place of vantage, usually elevated, from whence he can scope out opportunities.  At this point he will need to enhance his linguistic skills and the attractiveness of his prey by imbibing several cheap alcoholic beverages.  At length he will begin to winnow down the possibilities in order to increase his chances of success.  He is initially disappointed by not finding a rare solitary female, but he is heartened by the fact that there are several unaccompanied females in small groups.  He will focus on the less-intimidating pairs, rather than the larger clusters.  Within the pairs he is looking for obvious signals of seeking masculine attention: excessive grooming, revealing garments, titillating gyrations, overly-loud laughs, and multiple empty glasses.

   And now that he has his mark he approaches, not in his usual gait but in a kind of rhythmic strut.  His legs bow slightly and his arms extend outward to give an impression of size and confidence.  His mind races through the signals as he gains increasingly better vantage, but all those years of intensive mind-training in front of the video game console are paying off!  He is quickly able to ascertain that the angle of the lighting was waaaay too flattering from a distance and he veers off, unscathed.

   Now on to his second mark, a short brunette with tall black boots.  All signals appear to check out, and maximum age can not possibly be greater than his mother minus 10.  It is now time to deploy his secret weapon: the pick up line.  He has spent some considerable time composing it, refining it, and practising it in front of reflective surfaces.  Smoothly he sidles in next to her.  “Kiss me if I'm wrong,” he says affecting a slight accent, “but is your name Candy?”

   Suddenly there is an intense pain in his shin.  What has gone wrong?

   â€œOh, sorry!” the girl calls out.  “I thought you said 'kick me'!  It's really loud in here!”  She twirls her fingers around her ears apologetically.

   At least the ice is broken, he figures.  But when he opens his mouth to continue the conversation she kicks him even harder in the other shin and walks away with her friend.  Strike two.

   But there are other fish in the sea.  Some of them are sitting on unswivelling bar stools, which would make it difficult to kick forcefully in any direction but frontwards.  He limps over to focus his attentions on a medium-build blonde with blue streaks in her hair.

   â€œKiss me if I'm wrong,” he tries again, “but is your name Candy?”

   Her friend sitting across from her is giggling, but the blonde just rolls her eyes.  “You can call me Candy,” she says flatly.  The friend breaks out laughing.

   â€œWell Candy,-” he starts with his contingency line, but she cuts him off.

   â€œWhere did you get that jacket?” she asks.  “It looks like a wind chime!”  The friend covers her face with a napkin, but not before the solitary male gets a quick glance at drops of her purple cooler drink coming out of her nose.  This is obviously not going to plan, but to be successful he must be persistent.

   â€œWell,” he says suavely, “if you look closely, it's actually made out of boyfriend material.”  The friend snorts, with tears now leaking down her cheeks.  She slaps the table, unable to regain composure.  This might actually work to his advantage, he thinks.  Once the friend is immobilized, he can work his magic on the human female unhindered.

   But suddenly the waitress is between him and his mark, asking if that will be all.  Thinking quickly he extends his hand to get her attention, for his confidence now desperately needs refuelling. 

   â€œMy boyfriend will pay it,” the human female says, winking at him and setting her friend off again.  Now there is a bill in his outstretched hand, and in a flash the two friends return to the safety of the churning herd, both laughing hysterically.  The solitary male moves to pursue, but there is suddenly a bouncer towering over his path, shaking his head with a look of pity on his face.  Reluctantly the solitary male pays the inflated bill, depleting his funds until next week's allowance.

   So for now the solitary male has met with failure.  But his spirit is undiminished, and next week he will try again.  For in this Darwinian jungle of life or loneliness, he has chosen to strive for betterment.  He knows that in the high-stakes game of bar pick-ups you only have to get it right once.  So hold your head high, solitary male, for next time may just be your time to shine!

Ponch

Quote from: Baron on Sat 14/01/2017 05:05:20
Could you help a Canadian out and let me have a 48 hour extension? I stayed up drinking all night and I'm hungover and I need a little extra time, eh? :-*

I'm glad Baron was shameless and desperate enough to ask this question. And since he's already debased himself so gratuitously (really, Baron, was the kissy face cup necessary? Have you no self respect at all?), I'd like to hop on the bandwagon and ride his coattails for the next 48 hours while I start finish my story. It came to me this morning while brushing my teeth but I won't have time to work on it until tomorrow morning. Then there's the Packers game, which will take up most of the evening. Then I should have time to work on it again before bedtime. And Monday's a holiday here in the States, so that should be plenty of time to finish it. Hmm. What an odd coincidence. I seem to need almost the exact same amount of time that Baron did. Weird.

I hope you honor Baron's request, Stupot÷! You're the best! :=


Mandle

I didn't think I would be entering this FWC but RL circumstances just happened to coalign with the theme:

Well, by a total coincidence I just happened to be doing something the other day I knew nothing about and had only heard about through a random youtube recommended link.

I found out that it was possible to peel off the emulsion from a polaroid photo and reprint it onto a clear plastic sheet to create a slide of the original photo.

This meant a process of trimming the original polaroid just barely down to the edges of the image and then soaking it in a bath of very hot water until the emulsion could be picked free and then slipping the plastic sheet in under it and then lifting the sheet up slowly enough so that the emulsion stuck to it after the water had escaped out from underneath.

I thought I'd give it a try.

Everything worked pretty much like the tutorial said it would. I did have to go to its backup plan and spread the emulsion out with a soft paintbrush onto the plastic sheet as it was quite a bit like a jellyfish while in the hot water and wanted to blubber around a lot.

But eventually I managed to get the emulsion spread out in a fairly square-ish shape on the plastic sheet and pulled it up carefully from the hot water.

I left my project for three days, as the tutorial suggested, until I could detect no lingering traces of moisture either on or under the emulsion layer. It had dried and seemed to be stuck to the plastic sheet permanently.

So then I went onto the next step of the tutorial which was to rig a powerful halogen lamp behind the "slide" I had made and projected the image onto the clinically clean white wall of my hospice ward room. I followed the tutorial very carefully, rigging a cone of thick paper around the lamp so that it would only project its light towards the slide.

I turned off the rest of the lights in my private ward room so that the image of my happy life I snapped on a polaroid from thirty years ago, back when I was in my late forties, appeared on the wall.

Then something happened that you will all not believe I'm sure... I mean, this is only an AGS forums writing contest, right? Not the kind of place where you would expect to read of an event that shatters the laws that supposedly rule our universe, right?

But this is what happened nonetheless:

The image the slide projected stretched off into the distance beyond the confines of the two dimensional wall.

I ripped the oxygen tubes out of my nose and somehow I stepped out of the hospice ward I was to die in in the year 2047, through the image projected on the wall, and back into my exact same life that I snapped on that polaroid all that time ago on January 15th, 2017.

Hello again to all my old friends here in AGS! I remember you all very well!

Yeah yeah, and before you ask, I also remember a lot about how well or how badly your AGS projects and other facets of your life fare from this point on...

But never ask me please! I don't want to give either good news or bad news in advance...

If you really want to know though, I took quite a few polaroids over the years since this date, and I was careful to bring them back with me...

Pics or it didn't happen, right?

Baron

Mandle you bastard!  I felt really bad for you for about three paragraphs. >:(

Mandle

Quote from: Baron on Sun 15/01/2017 14:54:25
Mandle you bastard!  I felt really bad for you for about three paragraphs. >:(

Hello once again my old mate!

I actually remembered it as you saying "two paragraphs" but close enough I guess...

Warm quantum fuzzies back out to you in either or any case...

Ponch

I don't know much about JJ Abrams and he doesn't know much about coherent storytelling. This is my best attempt to put myself inside his head. (If you love hs work, please excuse me for being a grumpy old man)  :=


J.J. Abrams presents Disney's Indiana Jones and the quest search for the famous (secular) thing. [Working title]
(Focus group testing requested we change the word "quest" to something less gay "elf-y")


We open on a steamy jungle that's half Florida and half CGI Panama or somewhere that's cool looking but a pain in the ass to shoot. Maybe we can film part of this in front of some potted ferns and a blue green screen and just CGI in the rest. Let me know what ILM decides. Also, it's snowing in the jungle because sometimes that happens right? If not, it'll still look cool.

We slow zoom in on two figures trudging through the thick, humid jungle. The hero follows close behind the sidekick, who is busy hacking at vines and icicles and stuff with his machete, which makes lightsaber sounds as he swings it.

The hero wears a scarf and goggles and Han Solo's parka from Empire Strikes Back. This is our reveal of Indy, which is a groundbreaking performance using Chris Pratt's body with Ford's face MoCapped on which pretty much looks right but still sort of creepy. ILM assures us that this CGI face will give more of a shit about acting than Ford does. Just poking out from the edge of the big hood of the parka is his hat. He has to have the hat. There' s no character without the hat. It's iconic. Make sure the sidekick has a hat just like it too. With the Disney marketing machine behind us, maybe we can bring men's hats back into fashion. Hell, I made Star Trek a blockbuster again, so anything is possible. [Note to self: Be sure my agent gets me a cut of the profit on this thing. I need a smaller yacht to tow behind my bigger yacht. Suck it, Wes Anderson!]

"How much longer?" Indy asks because it's been almost a minute since the movie started and we have to let the audience know that Indy is bored by all this setup too, just like they are.

"Should be just up ahead," the sidekick says. Sidekick should be played by Billy Dee Williams' face because he's a nice guy and needs the work. But he doesn't get around as well as he used to so paste his face on somebody else's body. Kevin Hart? Or is he too short? Since we'll be using Pratt instead of the old and stooped Ford, he probably is too short. How about Chris Tucker? He could probably use the work too. Rush Hour was a while ago. (Note to self: Rush Hour! I hadn't thought about that movie in years. Talk to Brett Ratner about doing the sequel to this movie. He's good at phoned-in sequels and god knows I only like to set up franchises. Sticking around after to shepherd them along is just too much work boring.)

"Good. I'm getting tired of walking," Indy says, because working to accomplish goals is dumb. We have to get from scene to scene as quickly as possible. We don't have a lot of story to tell, but that's no reason to dwell on it.

"Here we go," says Sidekick. He points with his machete to a big, scary cave tunnel entrance thing. The Beastie Boys scary music plays.

"Now we can get on with this very important quest search," says Indy. Again, we have to let the audience know Indy wants to get right to the action. In fact, let's have a big flock of bats or something come shooting out of the cave right towards our heroes. Use shaky cam to hide the lackluster CGI. That way we can save some money for my yacht the big action scene at the end.

"It was your idea to come here," says Sidekick.

"(Insert quip here)," quips Indy. [Note: Get Carrie Fisher Patton Oswalt to punch up this dialogue.]

They enter the cave and leave their parkas and snowshoes and mosquito netting by the door. We can now see Indy in his proper Indy outfit. The parka variant will make a cool action figure so we had to have it in the movie.

This place is a surprisingly well-lit cave tunnel. All the torches lining the way are already lit to save time watching Indy use matches or whatever. And these are magic torches I guess so there are lots of lens flares. Indy has to shield his eyes from all the lens flare in the dark tunnel.

"I can barely see anything," says Sidekick.

"Give it a minute. Your eyes will adjust," Indy says, giving the audience enough time to deal with all this spectacular lens flares in the dark theater.

"Ok. I can see now," says Sidekick.

Quick montage of exciting exploring stuff. Cave snakes. Death traps. Underground hornets. Jawas. All that stuff. We pack an entire adventure into this montage. That way we only have to film bits and pieces of it. The video game adaptation can fill in the rest. (Can we get that on the Playstation? I'm not a fan of the new Xbox. And can we get it in Lego? I love the Lego video games!)

"Look! There's a door. But it needs a puzzle solved before it will open for us," says Sidekick. We need to hurry this shit up. This script is taking way to long to get to the big action finale.

Indy studies the puzzle super quick. He uses a bag of sand or a charcoal rubbing or whatever to figure it out. Maybe he can use a packet of Lipton Cup-A-Soup to solve this because product placement pays well and I really liked MacGyver as a kid. Has anybody rebooted MacGyver yet? Maybe I can get in on that. I freaking loved that show as a kid so I'd be a perfect fit to be the showrunner but only if I can make it more like the Bionic Man and less about a MacGyver because I liked the Bionic Man a lot more.

The big door in the wall (or would floor be better? Yeah, let's go with floor) opens and Indy lowers himself down with a rope made of flags (Another callback! Genius!).

"I'll stay up here," says Sidekick, leaving the movie and never appearing again and saving us a ton of money on residuals and stuff.

"Good idea," says Indy, looking up at the big door in the ceiling, with lots and lots of lens flare shining down on him. (Remember: Indy is in the part of the cave that's below the floor door. Make sure we get a cool, swoopy establishing shot so the audience doesn't get confused).

Indy goes off into the darkness, lit only by the blinding flare of his classic Zippo lighter, because those things are fucking iconic, right?

Suddenly someone attacks. Indy is a great fighter, but he's no match for the petite little woman who easily kicks him around with her amazing kung fu wirework.

Looking up from where he lies on the ground, defeated by this strong woman, Indy looks shocked and happy (assuming the CGI team can handle two emotions at once. We don't want to risk another smug/cruel Peter Cushing moment, am I right?).

"Love Interest! What are you doing here? " he says.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Love Interest responds, hanging a lantern on this poorly developed plot twist so now we don't have to address it again.

Love Interest should be played by whichever starlet is hot right now. Preferably someone new. That will save us some money! Who is the new Jennifer Lawrence? And will she work for scale?

"Let's go," Indy says. Love Interest is now along for the ride a vital and strong presence in the script and not someone who ever needs to be rescued or helped in any way.

"Are you sure?" Love Interest asks, hinting at a past without actually providing boring details, because that's how backstory should work.

"Pretty sure," Indy says, making another callback. [This is a weak callback, I know, but remember how nerds love to pick apart every little thing to make YouTube videos out of. Top 10 Things You Missed About Hit Movie and stuff like that].

"Follow me," Love Interest says because she's empowered and Indy is sharing this adventure with her now.

They have another montage filled with cave dangers and ruins and stuff and also lots of flirty looks and sexual tension but not any actual sex because I'm trying to be the next Steven Spielberg and if he never had any sex in his movies then neither will I.

They find a big underground waterfall, with lots of palm trees and stuff growing at the bottom of the cave. They jump down and the camera wooshes around and stuff like in one of those Mountain Dew commercials from the 90s because retro always sells and its time for 90s nostalgia, am I right? Both of them run around for the rest of the movie with wet shirts and slicked back hair. (Use CGI to hide her nipples and enhance his. Otherwise it's sexist fan service or something. I'm not clear on it, but I know we don't need hashtags chasing us all over the internet).

Another action scene happens here. And Indy punches it. Indy always looks good punching things. And Love Interest has stuff to do too. She cartwheels and backflips out of the way because I really want to do a Tomb Raider movie but I had to settle for this one instead so I'm going to make it the way I want. And wolves run out of the tunnel and Lara Love Interest has to jump around shooting them with her double pistols while Indy also punches them. Only they're not wolves because nobody wants PETA protesting outside the premiere so make them something else instead. Dinosaurs? Nazis? DinoNazis? Let's see what the focus group says.

"Why did you want this thing we're after so bad?" asks Love Interest. She's not all banged up like he is. Audiences don't like that kind of stuff. They like the chicks to stay hot empowered throughout the movie.

"It belongs in a museum," Indy says, making a cool callback to the earlier movies. [Note: Avoid callbacks to Crystal Skull. That shit is kryptonite, just like the prequels. Oh! Note to self: Talk to agent about landing me the gig to relaunch the DC movies once Snyder is done fucking them up. I bet we can get the rights cheap after he's turned that franchise into a giant smoking crater! LOL]

"I want it to sell it and get rich because I live on the edge. Nobody is the boss of me. You're the one who thinks things belong in glass cases," says Love Interest.

"I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money," Indy says. Keep the motivations simple because complexity is boring. And keep the motivation changing to keep the audience guessing. Lindelof says this is the smart thing to do. He never had a fucking clue what was going on with Lost and that show was huge. Can we CGI Jack's tattoos onto the sidekick's arms? That's the sort of easter egg that nerds on the internet jizz themselves over.

After that, they see that there's a big temple down here. It's really shiny and chromed inside the temple, because these people harnessed underground solar power and metal polish and there's no place quite as cool as the inside of an Apple store, right?

"When we sell this, you want to spend a month in Paris again? It was pretty fun last time," Indy asks, dropping more backstory into the script. (Is this too much backstory now? I feel like it is. Don't want to slow this story down. We might want to make this a deleted scene for BluRay. Do they still sell those?)

"Only if we sell it to a museum. Everybody has a right to see this," Love Interest says, not wanting to appropriate cultures and stuff now because nobody cares about motivations or why they suddenly change.

"Good idea," Indy says because he shouldn't always be right about everything. That's boring and the hero needs to learn very important and really short lessons.

"There it is," Love Interest says, pointing across a big chasm or lava river or whatever. We see the item that this movie is about.

"Finally," Indy says. He's ready to wrap this shit up and go to whatever restaurant that gets the tie-in for this movie. The audience needs to feel that urge. Marketing depends on it.

"I don't think they're going to let us just waltz dance out of here with it," Love Interest says. (Young people might not know what a waltz is).

A big crowd of angry natives have appeared and want to fight. These are hostile tropical cave natives. But not the kind that'll set Tumblr off. White people maybe? Or is that culturally insensitive? Maybe they're Nazis that got lost while looking for the Ark or something and made a city down here? Whatever the focus group decides is least offensive, I guess. Just make sure they're all wearing fedora hats like Indy because this is an Indiana Jones movie and there's a fortune in marketing!

Big action finale! (Whatever ILM thinks will look great. Leave it to the second unit director to handle this. I need to go yacht shopping.)

Then the cave starts to collapse or fill up with water or lava or alligators or stuff. Indy and Love Interest run while a camera follows them close behind at a low angle because that shit looks awesome!

They swing to safety across a dangerous thing and Indy's whip makes lightsaber sounds.

Then something else happens. I don't care what. It doesn't even have to make sense. Just make it look really expensive and let me know when ILM is done so I can deliver this thing to the Mouse House and get paid. If this does well in China, I'll get the Tomb Raider reboot for sure!

Indy and Love Interest kiss as a fireball or giant water geyser or gushing spray of a billion little spiders or some cool shit like that shoots up in the slightly unfocused background. Boom!

THE END!




(Note to fanboys reading this script after it's leaked onto the internet by a disgruntled Disney employee who considers himself a "true fan" of the Indiana Jones franchise: 1) Rest assured, the person who leaked this script has already been put to death and buried in the shallow graves beneath Mickey's Toontown. There is no escape from the Mouse's Justice. And 2) I don't care about all the nitpicking and complaining you're sure to do when this soft reboot of your oh so precious franchise comes out. I am a rich and famous filmmaker. You are a nobody with a YouTube channel. What's that? You took a few community college classes about film making or screen writing and you think you know so much more than I do? My bank account says otherwise. Quality script writing died with the rise of the blockbuster. Here's proof. Where does the escape hatch on the island go? Why does Cloverfield keep chasing our heroes all over New York? Why is Rey so good at everything? How does Red Matter work? How can cherry jello be so dense that it can create black holes but also be carried around in a mayonnaise jar? Nobody cares. Fuck off. We both know you'll keep buying the tickets no matter how much you hate me. Brand loyalty is your kryptonite! Hahahahaha!)

(P.S. This was written from the rear deck of my new yacht, The S. S. Jar Jar Superstar. I can see my older, smaller yacht coasting back there on a long tow line made from tightly woven 100 dollar bills. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!)

MiteWiseacreLives!

The ultimate super-fan Lostie-fan-boi-but-a-girl, my wife, is enraged by your lack of JJ Abraams knowledge! BTW she also says Jar Jar is the greatest Star Wars character ever, an should have been JJs idea.

Ponch


Baron

I didn't think Ponch knew so little about lengthy elongated entries....  (roll)

MiteWiseacreLives!

Errr, did I just see Life Partner Ray idle by in a low riding seduct-mobile?

Ponch

Baron, I've never written a screenplay before, but I think I did a pretty good job. Was it too convincing? Is that not how Hollywood works?

And, yes, that is Ray in his sweet ride!  8-)


MiteWiseacreLives!

2017 looks hopefull then
Perhaps we should consult Mandle? So, my dear time warping fraudfriend, will Ray return in all his feathery glory? And will I finally win AGS Game of the Year by default when all others are distracted by the apocalypse?
Just remain silent if this shall all pass.

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk