FWC: The Incompetent King (RESULTS)

[monkey424]

Please Mr Baron sir. I need an extension! I was going to submit my piece last night but there was a power outage sometime yesterday evening before I got home and it still wasn't resolved this morning! The majority of work is saved on my home PC and the rest is scribbled down on a scrap of paper. Hopefully the power will be restored soon!

[Baron]

That's funny....  Your dog just told me that he ate it.    But so be it.  Let's extend another 48 hours from now, which brings us to approximately 8pm EST Thursday January 8, 2015.  Who knows, maybe we'll tempt someone else to make a last minute submission?  Someone mysterious, with feathery adjectives but verbs of steel.  Time will tell....

[monkey424]

That's funny....  Your dog just told me that he ate it. 

We don't have a dog. Maybe you spoke to the possum who lives in our roof.

       

Inspired by the rhymes of Roald Dahl, and elaborating on the theme of an earlier post about my dickhead boss, I present the following ramblings..

MY BOSS IS A WANKER

Believe me that I wouldn't mind
Half so much the daily grind

If not for one potentially
Most annoying employee.

Indeed, not being hesitant,
This creep from middle management

Not only drives me round the bend
But fucks me right up my rear end.

Quite manically, he'll spring on you
A task to complete by half past two.

It never ceases to make me smile,
His ad-hoc managerial style.

Now swamped with work that can't be done
Prior to the setting sun.

‘Sorry,' I say. ‘It'll have to wait.
‘I've got too much on my plate!'

The boss grumbles and starts to pout
And furiously stomps about.

Then he storms off in a huff,
My response clearly not good enough.

His behaviour, like a spoilt child
Is anything but meek and mild.

Nothing really can compare
To the antics of this circus bear.

Then after a minute, maybe ten,
From out of nowhere, he's back again!

Announcing he's talked to the other guys
And got them to reprioritise.

‘Drop all other work,' he says with glee.
‘You'll now work exclusively for me.'

Great! I think, well ain't that swell.
I'm being sarcastic, as you can tell.

Now, being fair, he's not that bad,
But golly gosh he makes me mad!

He's as organised as a bag of shit
And that's only the half of it.

Routinely he'll check up on you,
Hourly before the day is through.

It's impossible to do any work
Being interrogated by such a jerk.

Questioning every little detail
Verbally and via e-mail.

It becomes a pain, to put it nice
When I need to justify things twice.

And when he doesn't get his way,
He'll rant and rave and dock your pay.

Well, no, I just made up that part.
But he would if he could, the petty old fart!

I've had enough! I'm going to vent!
‘Hey bozo!' I shout out loud. ‘Get bent!

‘I've had enough of your ignorance!
‘And idiotic song and dance!

‘I'd say you're really up shit creek!
‘So don't mess with me, you twisted freak!'

Now emerges an ugly side to me,
Like some crazed ape-shit monkey.

I smash my fists down angrily
And clear the desk of stationary.

‘I'll never work for you again!'
I shout, wielding a biro pen.

Now, I suspect the statement's flawed
That the pen is mightier than the sword.

In fact it proves rather dull
To embed a pen in someone's skull.

Failing that, I grab my cup
And shout, ‘I'm gonna fuck you up!'

Then, swiftly as a woodchuck loggin'
I smash it down upon his noggin.

But no. Wake up. It ain't to be.
It's all just been a fantasy.

‘Stop dreaming employee 424!
‘And pick this stuff up off the floor!'

*Sigh!* Back to reality.
Violence is not my cup of tea.

He adds, ‘Remember who is boss here!'
As the French would say: Mon Dieu! Le tossèr!

[Stupot]

Love it. Funny stuff Monkey

[Adeel]

Please, dear Baron, may I get a further extension of one day? I've been rather busy but I have an interesting idea (and I also noticed that no one else came up with that). It is still some time till the deadline but I'm too tired to stay up late at night, tonight. Please?

[Baron]

Alright, we're extended to Saturday evening EST now!  Keep those stories coming in.

[Adeel]

Notable Excerpts from the diary of an incompetent AGSer

Making games has always been my hobby. Ever since I started playing games, I've dreamt of making them. Curiosity always made me wonder: "How does this thing work? How does that thing operate?" Elders say that curiosity killed the cat. But I am not a cat! I can handle it, I believe.

---------

I've been playing some freeware games recently.  One thing I found common in them was that they all were made with AGS. What is AGS? Curious, as always, I soon found out that it is an engine primarily used for creating adventure games.

---------

Yes. Creating my own games. I couldn't believe it. It was like my dream has come true! I, for some unknown reason, had naively assumed that I need a large budget to create games. But then, again, I wasn't really wrong either. You can only create 2D games with AGS. NOT like those fancy 3D games. Ah, well...

---------

Now what? Oh, there appears to be a nice community. It is my first account on any online community so I am a bit nervous but let's do it, nevertheless.

---------

Okay, so I did register and became a member. A real thing still awaited me: Create a game. How? I had absolutely no idea. Let's be honest here: I only had a remote interest in creating games. It was like a wish that would never get fulfilled in one's lifetime. I didn't pay any attention to reading about making games whatsoever. Fuck, I was screwed now.

---------

Days pass, I hardly get a comprehension of AGS Scripting. I had long assumed that I couldn't draw any good. I can't code. I can't draw. I can't compose. I can't write. God, am I that incompetent?

---------

Some discussion was going on about organising OROW - One Room One Week Competition. Apparently, this is a competition where you have to make a one room game in one week. Being a fool as I am, I decided to give it a go.

---------

Since I knew that I wasn't much of an artist, it took me a very long time to draw sprites for my game. And those turned out crappy too. Fuck. My. Life. Being a naive fool as I am, I thought that scripting would be easier for me. No! Hell, it wasn't easy for me either. Damn, I barely managed to upload the most crappiest game in the history of AGS games ever. Poor musician dude. He wasted his talent on me.

---------

Time doesn't stop for anyone. It passes and so it passed for me, as well. Itching to get a game and trying to prove my 'competent' side to everyone. Hey, that was the day of my birthday. I was inflated with ego and happiness. Why don't I enter the MAGS of my birthday's month? I'll make a game that will sway everyone off their feet! Hehehe....

---------

I just logged in today and guess what I saw? A person is offering to help me. What a kind guy! I will accept it gladly.
Damn, it turned out worse than I had anticipated. I've NO idea how to code and/or write stories. I'm making up things on the go so help me God...

---------

My friend is completely disappointed in me. He regrets offering his help to me. He, of course, doesn't say but I can feel it: Poor guy, he will be forever tainted because of being associated with this half-assed game for the rest of his life...

---------

Bam! I finally released my first MAGS game. It's a good thing that no one else entered. This means that I'm going to win by default! Oh, yeah!
No, fuck no! I introduced game crashing bugs - the kind which are avoided by almost every newbie! Damn, I was so embarrased today. I'll fix them and to avoid further embarrasement, I'll promise a "Deluxe Version" of the game which probably won't ever get released!

---------

Hehe, as expected, I won the competition. Fuck yeah! Who fucking cares if I made a crap game? In the end, I won and that's what it counts. Right? Please tell me that it is right, please!

---------

An year has passed, since I last updated that game. No one probably even remembers about the game itself now, let alone the promised Deluxe Version of the game. No one remembers how terrible I am. How I failed every single time I tried. I tend to pretend that I am a natural leader yet I am not. Am I ashamed of it? No. Should I be? Probably.

---XXX---

Spoiler

Sorry for such a crude entry. I didn't had much time and wrote only in few hours. I wouldn't enter normally but I had made a commitment and asked for the extension of deadline, hence I had to submit something.

As luck would have it, I was unable to find time today too. I only slept for 4 hours last night (and have been awake for 20 hours). Originally intended as a fictional account of an AGSer (which would be inspired by my own self). I ended up writing self criticism about myself instead.

I don't think my 'story', in its current state, qualifies for the voting but who knows? Maybe we can slap the label of "Satire" on it and let it go? Considering that it is in fashion these days...

In all seriousness, I won't mind if this entry doesn't qualify for voting.

[close]

[Baron]

Thank you one and all for your submissions!  I'm always appreciative when people take time out of their busy days to compose a story just for me.

Our submissions, in case you've forgotten, in order of entry are:

Buffoon of Baboso by kconan
The Führer by WHAM
The Lord of the Castle by Sinitrena
The Supreme Leader of the People's Taco Bell Franchise by Myinah
My Boss is a Wanker by Monkey424
Notable Excerpts from the diary of an incompetent AGSer by Adeel S. Ahmed

The voting criteria, as introduced in the original post and cut & pasted here for your convenience are:

Best Non-King Character: most believable or captivating or magnetic or unique: could be main character or supporting role
Best King: The King that displays the least aptitude for dealing with their responsibilities (or at least best-king character)
Best Atmosphere: Which story evoked the strongest feelings due to excitement/humour/intrigue/wonder/emotional intensity?
Best Ending: Replacing "best plot" this time around, but mostly dependent on it: which story was constructed so well as to have the best punch at the end?
Best Background World: The best setting or milieu for a story: a place brought to life.
Best Writing Style: The technical art of combining words in clever or gripping ways.
Most Substantive: Which story provides the greatest insight into the foibles of power?  Can be philosophical or humorous.

Lots of categories to choose from, so don't be shy with your votes.   Due to the number of submissions you can vote up to three times per category, but only if you think the authors are equally deserving.  Voting deadline is Wednesday January 14 at 9pm EST (forum time -6h, I believe).  I shall refrain from voting (but not commenting) unless there is a tie, in which case I will cast the deciding votes.  Good luck to all participants, and happy reading everybody!

[kconan]

Best Non-King Character: Sinitrena (The Narrator)
Best King: Myinah (Mr. Pak)
Best Atmosphere: WHAM
Best Ending: Monkey424
Best Background World: Myinah, WHAM
Best Writing Style: Monkey424
Most Substantive: Myinah (Insight into dictator-y style power)

[WHAM]

Best Non-King Character: Sinitrena (the narrator again)
Best King: Myinah - All hail the great leader!
Best Atmosphere: Myinah - I can almost see the oppressive burger joint, the armed guard looming in the background, and hear the uplifting music honouring the Great Leader.
Best Ending: Myinah - Though I would have loved to see this thing escalate waaay out of control!
Best Background World: Kconan - So much detail! And the lions got to me!
Best Writing Style: Sinitrena, Myinah
Most Substantive: Myinah - I approve of waterboarding over missing beef.

[Sinitrena]

Best Non-King Character: Myinah (Mr. Reinhardt), WHAM (Eva)
Best King: kconan - King Babo is definitly the least competent of all the leaders here.
Best Atmosphere: WHAM - great descriptions and atmosphere, but I didn't quite figure out what Hitler and Eva actually tried to achieve and if they succeeded. Did I miss something?
Best Ending: Myinah
Best Background World: Myinah
Best Writing Style: WHAM
Most Substantive: Myinah

[Myinah]

Best Non-King Character: Sinitrena (The Narrator)
Best King: Monkey424 his boss does sound like a wanker
Best Atmosphere: WHAM - got a great picture of the setting in my minds eye
Best Ending: WHAM
Best Background World: kconan - very descriptive
Best Writing Style: WHAM
Most Substantive: WHAM

[Creamy]

Although I'm too bad in english to participate, I had a lot of fun reading all these stories.

Best Non-King Character: Sinitrena's mum. She's quite patient.
Best King: A big Boo for Babo! Kconan
Best Atmosphere: Wham. Very cinematographic story.
Best Ending: Sinitrena. It's so random
Best Background : Myinah. I can totally imagine Pak's Taco Bell.
Best Writing Style: Monkey424 (even if we french don't speak like that )
Most Substantive: Kconan.

[Ponch]

Best Non-King Character: Sinitrena
Best King: Myinah
Best Atmosphere: WHAM
Best Ending: Myinah
Best Background World: kconan
Best Writing Style: Monkey424
Most Substantive: Myinah

[monkey424]

Best Non-King Character: Myinah (Mr. Reinhardt), and Sinitrena (the Narrator)
Best King: Myinah (Mr. Pak)
Best Atmosphere: Myinah
Best Ending: Myinah, Sinitrena
Best Background World: Myinah, kconan
Best Writing Style: Sinitrena (liked the 'breaking the fourth wall' style)
Most Substantive: Myinah (Kim Jong Un has hit rock bottom running a Taco shop, but that doesn't stop him behaving like an egotistical madman gone berserk with power!)

Well done Myinah! Your story was my favorite.

Sorry WHAM. The supernatural theme didn't get the juices flowing for me. I guess I prefer the traditional flavour of incompetence, with extra pineapple.

And Adeel.. Far from incompetent. You are The King of the AGS forums and don't you forget it! (Take care though. Would-be kings lurking in the darkest depths of the Advanced Technical Forum might be planning your assassination!)

[Baron]

Aaaaaaaand that's the end of voting folks!  Thanks to everyone who read through the stories and cast their votes.  I want to thank the voters in particular for not putting me on the spot for breaking a tie.   I enjoyed all of the submissions, and look forward to future contributions from each and every one of you.   A bit of personal feedback:

@kconan: Hilarious!  I thought the ending could have been stronger, but the absurd/literal word-play (20 lashes.... of the tongue, etc.) was down right genius.  I felt the wheels fell off a bit at the very end, though....  I guess I was expecting a more spectacularly lame climax.

@WHAM: I think creamy hit the nail on the head with the adjective "cinematographic".  Your wonderfully descriptive prose is like a freaky supernatural 80s film in my head.   I loved the language, but like a couple other voters I wasn't quite sure exactly what Hitler was trying to achieve.  Or was it all just a fanciful prance though the madness of a sick man's brain?  Now I'm going to wonder....

@Sinitrena: I couldn't stop thinking of a Monty Python skit à  la Quest For the Holy Grail the whole time I was reading your story: silly, but fun!  Like the Holy Grail, it just kind of finishes absurdly, which really suits the genre perfectly.  I think a little more rounding out of the Lord character would have benefited the story: what's his motivation?

@Myinah: I thought Mr. Reinhardt's folksy straight-man was the perfect foil for the insidiously maniacal Kim Jong Un, and the whole concept of being the actual dictator of a greasy fast-food franchise was brilliant.  I agree with the consensus that yours was the strongest piece, but I would have liked to have seen more explicit commentary on the insanity of North Korea (Rivalry with western franchises across the street, kidnapping for labour/skills, missile tests, high-profile purges, the possibilities are endless!).

@Monkey424: Loved the lyrical poetry, and many of your verses are quite clever.   I thought the reality check at the end was a bit of a let-down, though: you should have went postal and gone out in a blaze of glory!   (Er.... that's not life advice, just writing advice. )

@Adeel: I appreciate what you were trying to do with your piece, even if you ran out of time.  I especially like the implication that we AGSers who barely know what we're doing count as kings in your books.   Yes, truly we are kings among men.   Next time maybe start a bit earlier?  Just remember, the best way to improve is to keep writing!

All right, enough of my nitpickery: to the Results-Mobile!

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.....

What, can't a contest organizer be an incompetent king too?

No?

That's cool.

I guess.

OK, so everybody knows that by a country mile of 22 votes Myinah swept the field and won the derby!  To her I present this golden jester's crown of excellence, and the honour of setting our next theme:


Running up behind Myinah, way back there but still holding off the pack at 11 votes, is WHAM.  To him I present this silver jester's crown of secondariness.  Wear it proudly:


And finally, only ever slightly behind WHAM with 10 votes, is Sinitrena in third place.  To her I present this bronze jester's crown of tertiarity, which apparently isn't a word even in English, but by gar I think it ought to be for occasions such as this!


And that's it, folks!  Don't forget to stop by our gift-shop on the way out: we have quite the variety of knick-knacks and souvenirs to commemorate this once-in-a-lifetime event.  And don't forget to join us next time for Myinah's exciting theme in the next riveting instalment of....

...The Fortnightly Writing Competition!

[Stupot]

Oh, I somehow neglected the tail end of this contest. Sorry guys. Good job Myinah.

[Ponch]

Congrats to all the winners. Adeel will always be runner up in my heart.

[WHAM]

Yay! A new hat! *plops the new hat on head and wiggled head from side to side* It makes a JINGLE!

Oh, and congratulations to Myinah for the well-deserved win!

[monkey424]

Well done peoples! Kim Jong approves of these results!