I wrote thi script last year and recently found hidden under a bunch of stuff in my room. Whaddya think?
http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/LOSS.doc
very good, but a bit short, I noticed a few spelling mistakes though, but nothing major
Very nice!
Great stuff!
The only comment I can give is that you mixed up cocaine with heroine.
Cocaine makes you feel like a God. And after it works out, you feel depressed.
So is should change it to heroin?
Rather good. As hobmoblin says, it's a tad short, and seems to jump around a lot, and there are some spelling mistakes, but nothing major.
One thing I'd critique is your structure in some parts, and your way of telling things in some intances. For example, I feel like the man is talking to me one on one, like I'm a special friend who's been lucky enough to read his innermost thoughts. Then I see a phrase like this:
The next loss was sanity, this was brought about by the first two losses.
The fact that he actually says he suffered loss because of loss comes across as slightly sloppy. Really, he shouldn't have to say anything about it at all. It should be obvious to us as readers (and friends of the man) what caused his insanity. For me, this bit just seemed to detract from the seriousness. It's also evident here:
My second loss was that of love, A mix of the drugs and the anger caused this.
It just feels a bit... rough... to say "this happened, and it was because of this". Friends don't normally talk like that.
Also (and this is related to the length) it feels like it could do with some fleshing out. I've only just realised he's beating his wife, when suddenly it's all over and he's killing himself.
One thing I'm wondering - the first time he's walking down the alley, he falls to his knees and cries. Why? I mean, sure, people have drug addictions, but they don't break down in the street because of it. And, at this stage, nothing seems to have gone wrong for him; he hasn't 'lost' anything, so perhaps this is just a bit melodramatic?
Hmm.. okay... re-reading this I sound like a cranky old fart. Don't take it personally. I really like the script, it was just a couple of things that I thought of, and it's only my opinion.
Four points I hope are useful, most important first:
1. You broach far too wide a subject for a 2-3 minute film. Unless a topic is grotesquely simplified for comic purposes, like a 3 minute film of the hundred years war, you'd probably want to choose a smaller premise.
2. The film isn't formatted like a film script. Film scenes tend to begin:
INT/EXT. NAME OF LOCATION - DAY/NIGHT
This link shows a range of formats that should help you:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scriptsmart/formats.shtml
3. For a short film, it's probably best to put more credits at the end and just a title at the start.
4. Assuming you'd be shooting on location, you may have trouble using a fake gun. People tend to phone the police who arrive with real guns. I'm not kidding, this happens a lot!. Make sure you clear anything like this with the police first, and even then don't flash around a convincing fake in public.
Hope I haven't sounded harsh at all, good luck!