C&C - Noir Stories

[nulluser]

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[Steel Drummer]

I think typically, noir stuff is detective kinda stuff- not this. 

[kieralicious]

You want honest c&c? Sure.

Interesting concept, but the writing needs a lot of work. You use too many adjectives and adverbs; not everything needs a qualifier. In just the first sentence, we get that she's sitting 'miserably', there are 'tears streaming down her face', and she's staring 'solemnly' - that's overkill. One would suffice. Similarly, if her father is screaming, we don't need to be told that he's doing it 'in an irate tone'; that much can be assumed from the text. Show, don't tell.

The principle of "show, don't tell" can also be applied to lines like "the chime rang, reminiscent of a death knoll". That is a horrible, horrible construct. Just get rid of it. Ditto "her furious temper igniting her soul". Lines like that belong in myspace teenage angst poetry.

Then, both the knock and her father's voice are 'booming', one line apart; not only is this repetitive, but see above re: adjectives. Also revisit "this malicious statement was followed by a rigid strike on Sally-Ann". That is a terrible sentence. That sounds like someone sitting down with a thesaurus desperately trying to make 'then he smacked her across the face' sound more impressive. For one thing, a statement cannot, by definition, be malicious; for another, 'rigid strike' dulls the impact. There is nothing emotive about thesaurus-writing.

But, really? My number one piece of advice? Write more than 142 words before posting something for C&C. "Just a little bit short" is overselling it; I've seen blurbs longer than this. Particularly when you go through the rigmarole of using that godawful megaupload.com, forcing people to actually download a Word document, rather than, say, sticking it on livejournal or diaryland or something, there should be actual content there. There are hundreds of websites which will allow you to stick a piece of fiction online to be read. Use them.

[nulluser]

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[Stupot]

I think typically, noir stuff is detective kinda stuff- not this.

Noir doesn't have to have anything to do with private detectives at all.Ã,  Thats just a stereotype.Ã,  Noir is dark and melodramatic at the same time, without being cheesy.Ã,  Which I think you've definately begun to pull off.Ã,  Keep it up.

One or two things that didn't sit too well with me is you repeated the word "booming" in the space of two sentences and to be honest neither of them needed to be there. And "Screamed her father in an Irate tone" could be replaced by "He screamed."... you shouldn't have to tell us what tone he is using, we should be able to tell by the writing.

One or two things, stylistically you could think about... up to you... to make it more melodramatic and dark at the same time... how about changing "moaners" to "bitches", i know it's a bit risque, but it fits the genre much better.

I look forward to seeing the next draft