Neophix

[Bartimaeus]

This is a poem I made for fun the other day. I wanted it to have a kindof fantasy element to it and it's meant to make the reader visualise the words vividly. Dunno if it does but comments and crits would be welcome.


Neophix

There sat an old man atop a hill
On a wizened chair of weary bone
His dirty-white hair would surround his face
As the wind began to howl and moan

And everything about this man
Was dead, but for the gleaming eyes
That seemed to cackle and come alive
With that blue electricity that never quite dies

The corners of his mouth then twitched
And his eyes, they seemed to surge in power
As they gave the silent, sharp command
For a torrent of rain to begin to shower

The clouds overhead blocked out the stars
In a whirling storm of wind and rain
And for a moment in time the night was black
Black, until the lightning came

A bolt of deadly, blinding light
The long, steep hill was briefly lit
And the cackling face of the ancient man
Smiled vaguely, before being searingly split

After 500 years of silent watch
Neophix was dead, the light-sword's kill
But as the ashes cleared and the night grew calm
There sat a young man atop the hill

[Corey]

I think it's really good but I'm not really a poét myself so I cant judge