here's a topic for people whose dying to tell their latest and best joke. I'll start.
two blondes where planning to rob a bank. they wrote their plans on a little piece of paper.
then the day had come. they were going to rob a bank.
the dumbest of the blondes went in. when she came out, she had the safe on her back tied up, and the bankingmanager running after her with his pants down.
"no, no!" the smartest of the blondes said. "you got it all mixed up! blow safe! tie up the bankingmanager!"
Did you hear about the blonde who went sky diving?
She missed the earth!!
---
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Hehe, sorry to all the blondes here! No offense!!
Finally here is a nice joke:
A man heard his doorbell ring and he went to see who it was. When he opened the door there was nobody there! He looked down and there was a snail.
The man bent down, picked the snail up and threw him into the yard. Three years later the man heard the doorbell ring again. He went to the door and the was there! The snail then said "What was that all about?!?!"
a man walks into a café.
splash.
(french joke)
Let epsilon be < 0.
What have Jenifer Lopez and Doorknobs got in common?
Everybody gets a turn!
A man got lost in the woods. After 3 days of aimless walking, he reached a cottage. He knocked on the door. A chinese man opened it. The lost guy told the chinese man that he was lost, and needed food, and shelter for one night. The chinese man agreed to help, but said:
"If you touch my daughter, I will issue you with the 3 ancient chenese punishments."
The lost guy thought nothing of this. Until dinner. The chinese mans sexy daughter was flirting with him ALL through it. In the middle of the night, the man could take it no more. He went into the chinese mans daughters room, and..well I think you can use your imagination! Then he quietly left her room, and went to sleep.
In the morning, the man went to get up, but felt..heavy. There was a large rock on his stomach with a note on: "1st part of ancient chinese torture. Put large rock on stomach." The man laughed, and threw the rockout of an open window. Then he noticed another note: "second part of ancient chinese torture. Tie right testicle to Rock." Seeing no other choice, the man jumped out of the window. Just as he was jumping, he saw a note written on his arm:" 3rd part of ancient chinese torture. Tie left testicle to bedpost".
a man walked into a bar: ouch.
Wow, that's a great one, Jimmy! :-)))
How about this one:
There's this guy sitting in his living room. The doorbell rings, he opens the door, looks to the left - there's no one there, looks to the right - no one.
He goes back inside and the doorbell rings again. He opens the door, looks to the left - no one there, looks to the right - can't see anyone.
He goes back inside again and again the doorbell rings. He opens the door, looks to the left - no one there, looks to the right - no one there, looks ahead and sees the postman carrying a telegram.
Has anyone heard the orange and the monk joke? ;D
Once upon a time, TV's Bob Barker was taking a walk down the street.
He passed by the mail man. "Morning, Bob!" said the mail man.
"Good morning. How are things?" said Bob Barker.
"Oh, just--" suddenly, the mail man was staring at Bob Barker's face.
"What is it?" said Bob Barker.
"I, um.... I have to go," said the mail man, quickly walking away.
Bob Barker shrugged and continued down the street. He passed near the 7-11, and decided to go in and buy some bread.
Inside, he grabbed a loaf of bread and walked up to the counter. The cashier was away from the counter, so Bob Barker rang the bell. A few seconds later, the cashier showed up at the counter and took Bob Barker's bread.
"How's the store doing, sir?" said Bob Barker.
"Very--" suddenly, the cashier stared at Bob Barker's face. "Um," he said, and quickly rang up the loaf of bread and took Bob Barker's payment. "Thank you," he said.
Bob Barker left, puzzled. He decided to head back to his home. When he got there, he took off his shoes and went up to his room.
"Hmm. I wonder why people keep staring at my face?" he wondered to himself, standing in front of the dresser. Just then, he noticed something in the mirror:
Spoiler
His face was completely missing, leaving his muscles, veins and bone exposed to the world.
a frenchman, a preist, a rabbi and a blonde all walk into a bar. the bartender says, "hey! is this somekind of joke?"
Hmm... k, the only "joke" I ever use...
Two lepers playing cards, one threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.
MAN 1: It's a good thing pencils can't talk.
MAN 2: Why is that, good sir?
MAN 1: Because I couldn't bear to hear them scream as I drag their little pencil genitalia across a peice of paper.
MAN 2: Gasp!
Two paraplegics walk into a bar...
This is a "You are so fat joke"...
You are so fat, that you keep getting calls from the US government asking you to apply for statehood.
Quote from: Quickstrike on Tue 06/05/2003 06:26:03
You are so fat, that you keep getting calls from the US government asking you to apply for statehood.
Just change "you are" to "yo momma's", "you keep" to "she keeps", and "you" to "her" and it'll be perfect.
Note: this is not directed at your moms.
I saw your mom walking along the street, kicking a box. I asked her, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "Moving."
---
Your mom is so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes on her forehead.
---
You're so big, you were baptised at Seaworld.
a blond woman gets fed up with people thinking she's stupid because she's blond so she decides to dye her hair red.
a few days later she goes to a farm and gets talking to the farmer and she says "i'm clever because i have red hair" she then looks across at a field full of his cows and says "if i can guess how many cows you have in that field can i take one home with me?" the farmer agress and the woman looks at all the cows and after a short pause says "134", impressed the farmer says "okay, i guess you can go pick one to take take home" and the woman walks off the field and comes back with what she chose a few minutes later and the farmer says "if i can guess what colour your hair was before you dyed it can i have my dog back?"
A little bit of black humour:
Q: Litlle, black and knocks on the door - what is it?
A: Our Big Light Future!
A swimming competition for cripple men. In the first lane the swimmer is without a leg. In the second lane the man is without two legs and so on in the last, 8th lane the man is only a head. The refferee gives the starting signal, everyone swims, but for the head. After the match, his coach asks him " Pete, you swim so well. Why didn't you swim now?" The head answers "Coach, usually I swim with ears, but now they put that hat on me, how could I swim?!?"
talking of black humour, you reminded me of this cruel and in no way whatsoever funny joke...
sign outside of a school for disabled children:
ALL CHILDREN MUST BE ASSEMBLED BEFORE 9AM
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are discussing how they are going to kill their mothers-in-law.
Englishman: "I am going to buy her a mansion on the Canarian Islands. Then, I will go to the balcony and use a saw on posts which hold it almost to the end. When she steps out on the balcony, it will collapse and she would fall to death."
Frenchman: "I will buy her a brand new Ferrari. Then, I will cut off the brakes, and when she tries to do a U-turn on 100 km/h she will lost control and die."
Russian: "Well, listen to this. I will buy 100 pills against headaches. Then, I will put them all in a pot containing boiling water, until they dissolve. When they all dissolve, I will turn off the gas and wait until one big pill forms. Then, I put the pill on the table just in front of the entrance and hide in the bathroom. When she enters her home, she will come forward to the table, look at the pill, and say 'Wow, what a large pill'. At that moment, I run out of the bathroom and chop her head off with an axe."
I love that one! ;D
A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar , and god strikes them down cuz preists and rabbis shouldnt be in bars!
Removed the joke because it was a bit too immature.
A'aight, y'all, the mother of all jokes...he' it comes!!!!!
ARE YOU READY????
Bear walks into bar.
Bear says to Deer:
"Can I have....................................................................................a drink?"
Deer says to Bear:
"Why the big paws?"
BOO-YA, GRANDMA!!!! Ye-uh. Okay, I'm done being obnoxious.
-DD
2 cows stand in the field,
1 remarkably says: BOOOO
the other one says: Tsk, I noticed you a long while a go and you are not frightening or whatsoever
Q Why was the cyclops school closed?
A It only had one pupil!
Q Why was the belt arrested
A It held up a pair of pants
Two peanuts were crossing the street...One got assualted. (Say it to yourself a couple times if you don't get it)
-MillsJROSS
momma tomato, daddy tomato and kid tomato are walking down the street,
kiddy tomato runs far behind, daddy tomato squashes him and says:
Ketch - up (catch up?)
(don't know if it exactly went that way)
Q: Which is easier to unload -- A truck full of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: The dead babies -- You can use a pitchfork!
Q: What's worse than that?
A: There's a live one at the bottom.
Q: What's worse than that?
A: He's trying to eat his way out.
Q: What's worse than that?
A: He made it.
Q: What's worse than that?
A: He's going back for seconds.
A sign in an operating theatre: IT IS HUMAN TO MAKE MISTAKES.
A hunter shows his trophies to his friends. There is simply every animal - a boar, a bear, a giraffe etc. One of his friends exclaims: "John, what is this? It looks like a human head to me!" John replies: " Oh, that's my mother-in-law."
"But why is she smiling?"
"Well, till the last moment she thought I was going to take a photo..."
A blonde walks into Dixons & says to an assisstant and says "I'd like to buy this TV please."
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
She comes back the next day, & says to a different assisstant & asks again.
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
Sick of this, she dyes her hair red & comes back the next day.
Once again she asks an assisstant if she can buy a TV.
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
She says "How did you know I was a blonde?"
He replies "That's a microwave."
A shopkeeper phoned the police. When they arrived at his shop, he said:" a blonde woman just came in here asking for a rope...I think she said she was going to hang herself!" The police went round to her house, opened the door, and there was the blonde..alive! The policeman said: "You told the shopkeeper you were going to hang yourself."
The blonde replied: "I was but I couldn't breathe."
Old one now:
A horse walked into a pub. The bartender said: "hey, why the long face?"
What do Elvis Presley, Al Gore, Billy Barty, Hulk Hogan, Abbot, Costello, Genghis Kahn, Gandalf the Grey, Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, William Shakespear, and Marlon Brando have in common?
Spoiler
They were all involved in a massive orgy shortly before being murdered by OJ Simpson.
(I prefer anti-humor, as you can see)
here's a really sucky blondjoke.
a blonde had a dog she called "sex", because she liked it so much. Point: sex disappears and the blonde goes outside looking for him. a cop drives by and asks her what she's looking for. she answers: "I'm looking for sex!"
I know. It sucks.
btw. one more!
an old couple were always arguing. the man always said: when I'm buried, I'll dig myself up and kill you, because then it wouldn't matter if i got arrested!"
the wife never cared about him or what threats he came with.
then one day, he died. she went happily to a local pub and got drunk and told everyone what her husband had said.
they all said:"aren't you a little scared?" "no." she replied. "I buried him upside down."
this one sucks to, but i might as well tell it.
why doesn't swedish people have ice in their drinks?
their swedish inventor died.
bad jokes are fun when you're tired.
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.
A man walks into the psychiatrist's wearing clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went shopping for camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
HA HA!!! Nice one...s.
I have a real crap one you will hate:
The big chimney said to the little chimney: You're to young to smoke!"
and:
A man ran up to the receptionist and shouting:"I need to see the doctor, I think I'm going blind".
The woman replied:"You certainly are, this is a library!"
Some of these jokes are laughably bad.
*badum ching*
Quote from: MillsJROSS on Tue 06/05/2003 15:06:57
Two peanuts were crossing the street...One got assualted.
One WAS assualted... Jeez... :)
This was on the joke thread on the old board, but it remains funny and you will laugh or I shall eat you.
A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war. He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.
The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"
"Er... okay." said the soldier. "But I don't have a bayonet!"
The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"
"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.
Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon. He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"
The german soldier falls down dead.
So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!
Soon he has a whole regiment after him! "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.
"Bang." he says, confidently.
Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.
"Bangity-bang?"
Nothing. The German continues to advance.
"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"
The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.
All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tankity-tankity-tankity..."
Ok, are you ready for some awesome jokes? Well, you're not, because these are two awesome to be ready for. Here goes.
-------------
Two travelling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down a road. It's getting dark, so they stop at a farmhouse. They go up to the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night. He says yes, but they have to sleep in the barn, and they aren't allowed to touch his three daughters or undermine socialist governments in South America.
So they go to sleep, and during the night, the farmer's three daughters sneak into the barn. The travelers can't resist, not even Kissinger, though in the middle of things he also sneaks into the house and makes a long-distance call to a Chilean general.
The farmer bursts in with a shotgun and catches the three men with the girls, and immediately marches them out to his field.
When they get out there, the farmer orders them to go out and pick ten of their favorite fruit. The two salesmen come back carrying grapes and plums. The farmer tells them, "Now shove them up your ass." The guys try, but they keep looking out at the fields and cracking up, causing the fruit to fall out. They get as many as nine, but are overcome with laughter.
The farmer looks at them and says, "Look, you're free to go once you get all ten up there. You were so close. What is so god-damned funny?"
The first salesmen says, "Kissinger's picking watermelons!!!"
And the second one says, "And ordering the assassination of Salvador Allende!!!!!"
---------
Oh man, that was awesome. Here we go again:
----------
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad Henry Kissinger never had to face charges for the illegal secret bombing of Cambodia!?!?!
--------
Hahaha, oh man. I crack me up. One more!
--------
A salesmen knocked on the door of Little Johnny Kissinger's house in December of 1975. Little Johnny answered the door.
"Johnny, is your father, Henry Kissinger, there?" he asked.
"He ain't home. He be out with President Suharto, approving Indonesia's invasion of East Timor, even though the military action be illegal and Indonesia be using U.S.-supplied military equipment," Johnny replied.
"'He be out'? 'Indonesia be using'? Johnny, where's your grammar?"
"She ain't home either."
-------
BWAHAAHAHHAHAHAHHA. You're welcome.
This is an American Baseball joke:
A man walks into a bar with a dog.
Bartender: Hey! You can't bring a dog in here!
Man: But he's a very smart dog! He can answer questions! If he does, can he stay?
Bartender: ...Okay...
Man: What goes on a house?
Dog: ROOF!
Man: Name a woman's name.
Dog: ROOF! (Pronounced Ruth)
Man: Who's the best baseball player of all time?
Dog: ROOF!
Bartender: Okay! You've had your laugh! Out wit' ya!
On the curb, the dog and the man sit next to each other.
Dog:...Mabey I should have said Jackie Robbinson?
This is vary short one, and quite scatologic.
A man goes to the forest, and says to his friend:
"I am going to the forest, to poo!"
His friend asks:
"Do you have the paper?"
And the pooing man responses:
"No, I remember the steps..."
Removed the joke because it was a bit too immature.
When I was young, with all our family in our little hovel in the Highlands, we used to huddle around a candle in winter to keep warm.
When it got REALLY cold, we would light the candle.
old lame rog joke:
it's brown and sticky
a stick :P
Did you hear that the Duracell bunny got arrested?
Apparently the police charged him with battery.
Knock knock.
The King.
The King who?
during the war, 3 allied soldiers were captired by the nazis. They were ordered to be shot by the firing squad. The day came, and all three stood there scared. One suddenly had an idea.
"Follow my lead" he said.
The nazi officer started the shooting with a "ready, aim" Just then, the allied soldier interupted, "Hurricane!" he shouted. The nazi soldiers looked around. And the man escaped. The nazis turned back. The Nazi officer started agin. "Ready, aim..." the 2nd allied soldier shouted: "Tornado!". Once again, the nazi soldiers turned around. And the guy escaped. The final man was now really confident he could get away. The nazi officer started the squad up agin. "Ready, aim, "
With all his might, he pointed towards the soldiers, and shouted: "FIRE!"
A blonde suspected that her husband was cheating on her. So one day she decided to showup unexpectedly to the house to see if he was. She decided to take a gun with her.
Sure enough, there was her husband on the couch with another woman drinking wine and stuff.
The blonde then took the gun and shot the woman. Then the blonde put the gun to her own head and her husband jumps up saying "wait honey, don't do it!!"
The blonde replied saying "shutup, you're next!!!"
A lorry full of hair restorer overturned on the motorway. Police are combing the area.
A number of vehicles have disappeared into a hole that appeared in the middle of London. Police are looking in to it.
Thousands of dogs ran away from the park. Police have no leads.
A tanker of glue tipped over on the motorway. Its a sticky situation.
Q. How does the Pope urinate?
A. Standing up.
???
For those of you on a UNIX system, try the following jokes:
First of all make sure that you're running csh, then enter the following lines for computer wisdom:
Women: are they worth it?
Cigarette?
what's it do?
whats green and has wheels?
Spoiler
grass. I was lying about teh wheels
whats green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and can kill you if it fell out of a tree?
Spoiler
a pool table!!!!
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. Michael Jackson sleeps with children.
hahahahahah, gonzo, that is so funny
are you being sarcastic Mr Panda?
well i dont get some of yours, but k, here are some of mine:
Little John wanted to have sex with his sister, but the sister said: Are you mad?Thats incest! But nevermind what she said, she caught her and f***d her... After that she says: Wow, you fuck better than dad. He says: I know, mom told me. :-*
-----
Two cops fell into a pit/hole.
After trying and trying, one of them says: If we dont get out after 2 hours, i'm going home.
I'll post more later... :)
nice one...s...
Promise you'll never post another joke again.
That was a joke in its self! :D
Ok, here's a German joke that our German teacher translated for us today in our lesson...
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a huge pot of gold. He goes up to this pot, and notices a guy standing by it.
"What's this gold for?" he asks.
"Ah, that's the jackpot, you see. If someone completes the three challenges, then they win all the money."
"Really? And nobody's done this yet? What are the challenges?"
"Well, first you have to drink this beer in one gulp," he says motioning to a three-litre jug of beer. "Then, wrestle a mastiff to death with your bare hands. Finally, there's an old, dirty, smelly woman living on the top floor of a house nearby; your job is to rape her."
"I'm up for that," speaks our hero, before promply downing the three litres of beer (which, I am told, is not that much for a German ;) ). "Right," he says, by now more than a little tipsy, "where's the second challenge?"
The challenge master opens a door nearby. "The mastiff's in here."
For a long time, various hidious yells, yelps, barks and growls are heard, before everything falls ominously silent. The door opens, and out staggers the man; his clothes torn, blood over his face and hands, but still maraculously alive.
"Right," he says. "Where's this old woman I've got to kill?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
that's a funny one.
A man rubbed a little bottle he found on the beach, and suddenly a genie came out. it said: "I'm willing to grant you three wishes, but your mother in law will get something 10 times as good.". the man said okay, and started wishing for stuff.
"for my first wish i want a million dollars." the genie gave him a million dollars and gave his mother in law 10 million dollars.
"for my second wish I want a house." the genie gave him a house, and gave his mother in law a huge villa.
then he said: "for my third wish, I want a small heartattack"
A Bosnian caught a golden shark (don't ask me how, ok?). The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK" says our hero "I want my penis to be so long that it touches the ground!"
"OK" said the shark and bit his legs off.
A Macedonian caught a golden shark. The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK," says our hero, "I want a million dollars!"
"OK," said the shark and bit his legs off.
Quote from: Fuzzpilz on Fri 09/05/2003 23:02:49
A Macedonian caught a golden shark. The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK," says our hero, "I want a million dollars!"
"OK," said the shark and bit his legs off.
ROFLMALMALMLOOALALAMAFL!!1111!! TEH FUNY!!11
For my Remake of LSL3 I'm going to update the Comedy Hut to have more modern jokes.
Some of the Jokes are outdated or racist,
also in the original you have to enter 3 Ethnic groups, I want to change it to something else but haven't decided yet.
eg. your 3 favourite celebrities.
any other ideas will be appreciated
I'll go through these jokes to see if anything will fit
you can add some more smutty or funny jokes to this thread and they may get included.
just to add an original joke from the game, one goes something like this.
"My wife just bought a water bed."
"I call it the dead sea."
pretty bad hah!
I don't know if this one was posted before I kind off didn't read all the jokes but-
George Bush visits a school in the middle of a lesson where little kiddies are beeing taught what different words mean. He decides to try and teach and asks the children -" Would you give me an example of a tragedy?"
One kid raises his hand and says - " Well, if my best friend got ran over by a car that would be a tragedy"
"No,"-Says Bush, "that would be an ACIDENT"
Another kid raises her hand and says "Well, if a bus full of kids ran aff a cliff that would be a tragedy"
"No,", says Bush, "that would be a GREAT LOSS"
Little Jonhy raises his hand and says " Well, if and Iraqi fighter shot down a plane with you and Mrs.Bush in it that would be a tragedy"
"Excelent!" Yells Bush."Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well, it wouldn't be an acident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss"
one political, and one osama bin laden-joke.
president bush was driving a limosine, and suddenly it drove of the road right into a little lake. three boys fished him up. bush said: thank you! for this I will grant you guys one wish each.
the first boy said he wanted a caddilac. bush said: heck! I'll give you ten caddilacs!
the second boy said he wanted a true copy of the air force one. bush said: with a massagebed, bowlingcourt and jacuzi!
the third one said he wanted a nice wheelchair. bush said: sure. but why do you want a wheelchair?
the boy responded: well, when I come home and i tell my parents I've resQed you, it'll come in handy.
osama bin laden died and came to hell.
satan said: hi osama! I'm a big fan! and sinse you're so famous, I'll let you choose your own destiny.
osama liked that.
in cell number one there was a man in a pool swimming and swimming. "I've gotta swim for all eternity?" osama said. satan responded: "hell! there are two other options."
in the next cell, a man where shooting in a shooting-range.
"been there. done that" osama said. "well there's only one option left for you then." satan said.
in the last cell bill clinton and monica lewinsky where having sex. "now that's something I wanna do for all eternity!" osama said. "great!" satan said. "monica, you're free to go!"
BUMP
This was supposedly voted to be the funniest ever Joke.. I kind of giggled, briefly and only that was because someone fell off their chair (not laughing)
Operator: Hello
Man: Hi My wifes just slipped over in the forest, and shes not responding
Operator: I'll send an Ambulance, It could take a while.
Man: Ok... What should I do?
Operator: Well Is she dead?
Man: I'll go see
*The operator hears the man walking away and then a loud crack and the man picks up the phone again*
Man: Ok, She's dead, now what....
-------------------------------------
Two blondes buy a brand new convertable and take it out for a spin.
They get out and realise that they locked their keys in the car.
One gets a hairclip and starts fumbling around trying to pick the lock.
Suddenly the other Blonde says: Quick, Hurry up, It looks like its about to rain and we left the roof open....
Black Man: You're White.
White Man: Yes..
White Man: And you're black.
Black Man: YOU FUCKING RACIST!11!!!11!one
Litle Timy is asking his grandmother: "Grany what's a lover"
The grany screams: "DAMN IT"
She runs up to the atic unlocks an old closed and a skeleton fals out...
here's another one:
A nurse pages the doctor: "Doc here is a man with out legs in the waiting room."
The doc responds: "Tell him to step right in."
Here's one for you gamers.
A heker dies and goes to heaven. Holy peter sais:" You've been a bad guy. You haked a lot of computers. You are going strait to hell."
3 months later the devil cales up to heaven andscreams: "WHY DID YOU SEND HIM DOWN HERE. HE KILLED ALL THE DEVLINS AND BROKE ALL THE POTS! NOW HE'S RUNING ALL OVER THE PLACE SCREAMIN HE CAN'T FIND THE KEY TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!"
Here goes:
A boy comes to his father and asks:"Dad, can you tell me how the society works? I need to know this for school." Pleased to see his son is doing something else than playing video games the father makes up an example:"Well sonny, society reminds alot like our family: I represent economical power for I go to work and bring money home. Your mother is like the congress, she decides what we use this money for. And then there is your nanny, she does all the work here in the house, so you could say she's the labor force. Because we spend money for your wellbeing, you represent the public. And finally, your baby brother is like the future of the country."
The boy is confused because of all the information but assures the dad he has understood. So the night comes and the boy goes to bed. However, in the middle of the night he happens to awake for he has to visit the loo. On his way he passes his little brothers room. The poor baby has soiled himself and is crying out loud. Well, the boy decides to go and wake her mother up. He tries and tries, but the mother just keeps on sleeping. Being frustrated the kid goes back to his room to sleep. While he passes the nannys room, he sees his father in action with her in bed. His dad also notes him and shows him to go away. Now the boy is truly confused and just goes back to sleep.
The next day after school the father comes to the boy and asks:"Well, were you able to explain how the society works?" "Yes", the boy replies:"I understood it perfectly: the congress sleeps while the economical powers fuck the labor, nobody cares about the public, and everyone ignores the fact that the future of the country is overall covered with shit."
[Edit] Here's another one:
There's a circus in town and in the middle of a fantastic show the announcer says:"In the next part we want everyone in the audience to be as quiet as possible. The next performer is going to need all the possible concentration so we're also switching off almost all the lights." So the whole stadium is all quiet and dark except for a single spotlight in the middle of the tent. In the spotlight there is but one little stool. A moment passes, then a man appears from the darkness, sits on the stool and pulls his pants down. Without a warning the man starts to masturbate. The shocked audience watches quietly remembering the words of the announcer. The man keeps on masturbating as time passes. 5 minutes and going. 10 minutes. Finally, after fifeteen minutes of intense masturbation one spectator rises up and shouts:"For the love of god, stop it, will you!" The man in the spotlight jumps up still holding his privates, looks around nervously and says :" Is there someone out there?"
How does a Zen buddhist order a pizza?
"Make me one with everything."
Three Irishmen are walking home from a long night's drinking. Paddy slips and falls into a ditch and breaks his leg. "Quick!" he yells. "Call me an ambulance!"
"Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance..."
What's big, green and triangular?
A big green triangle.
1955:
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Albert Einstein."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
Einstein asks for a blackboard and some chalk and starts writing down some insanely complicated equations. Saint Peter spends considerable time checking them through and finally concludes, "OK, you're Einstein. Welcome to heaven."
1973:
Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Pablo Picasso."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
Picasso asks for a canvas and some paint and starts painting a crazy yet wonderful abstract picture. Saint Peter looks at the painting with admiration. "OK, you're Picasso. Welcome to heaven."
20xx:
George W. Bush dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm George Walker Bush Junior."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
"Why?"
"Everyone does. Even Einstein and Picasso did."
"Who the hell are Einstein and Picasso?"
"Welcome to heaven."
Two hobo's were walking down the railroad when one of them said: "For just two days ago I met a woman on the tracks and we had the greatest sex ever." "Wow! Did she give you head too?" "No," the first one replies. "I couldn't find it."
I was test driving a new pickup truck the other day. It had one of those new voice activated satellite radios in it. You know, you say what kind of music you want to listen to, and the radio plays it.
Well I'm driving down the street, and I say, "Rock". So "Hell's Bells" comes on.
"Hey, this is pretty nice," I said. So then I said, "Country", and "The Ring Of Fire" comes on.
Well, I was fidgeting with the radio, so I wasn't paying attention to the road as well as I should have been. But when I glanced up at the road for a second, some kid kicked his ball out into the road in front of me, and he ran out to grab it.
I slammed on the brakes, and I almost hit the kid. Well the kid grabbed his ball and ran off.
"Fuckin' kids..." I muttered.
Next thing I know, "Billie Jean" is playing on the radio.
Two men and a cowboy walk into a bar and then cease to exist due to a fluke convergence in quantum probability waves.
French joke:
- Waiter waiter, le mouche!
- Non non, la mouche.
- Damn you got good eyes!
Hmm.
Man walks into public toilet. Sits down, grabs a newspaper.
Suddenly hears:
"Hello, how's it going?"
Man looks suspiciously around, looks into pot under him, then answers:
"Oh, I'm fine."
Voice asks further:
"Where are you? What are you doing?"
Man replies:
"Oh, in a toilet, taking a dump."
Voice says: "Carla, I'll call you later. I'm in a public toilet and some pervert in next booth answers all my questions to you."
Another one:
Man buys brand new Mercedes. Drives around, but hits a nail on a road. Well, pulls over and starts to repair the tire. Another man approaches and asks what is he doing.
"Are you blind? I'm taking the wheel off!"
Other man breaks the glass and says:
"Fine! I'll take the stereo then!"
Here's the joke that's flying around Ireland because of the Eurovision.
First though;
There's a points system in Ireland, whereby if you get caught by the police speeding in your car, you get 'points'. When you get 12 points, your licence is taken away. Every couple of years, your slate is wiped clean of points.
Chris Doran is the eurovision entry this year, and he got the lowest score for Ireland ever, with 7 points which we got from one vote from the UK.
[iB - ]Why does Chris Doran drive at 100mph?
A - Because it's the only way he's ever gonna get 12 points.
Remembered one of my favourite ones, though it's very silly one:
Man dies. Goes to heaven and meets God. Well, man starts to make a deal with God, wants to live further and get back among mortals. God decides to test his will. He turns man into a spider and puts him onto roof of 100-story skyscraper. When man/spider is able to get to the ground level using his string, he will be sent back to world of living people. Well, man/spider attaches his string to a roof and starts to move downwards. He reaches to 50th floor and feels that he's running out of string. He presses, presses... Reaches 30th floor. String is dangerously low. He presses further, presses... With big effort, he manages to reach tenth floor. He's almost out of string... but he keeps pressing, and so he presses, presses... Suddenly his wife wakes man up and yells: "What the fuck are you doing? You have shitted all over the bed...!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island. They find a magic lamp, which they rub to make a genie appear. The genie will give them each one wish. The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family." -POOF!- She's back with her family. The redhead says, "I wish I were in the city." -POOF!- She's back in the city. The blonde looks around sadly and says, "I wish my friends were here."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles offshore. With no other option, they decide to attempt to swim back. The brunette swims four miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead swims ten miles out, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims 18 miles out, decides she's tired, and swims all the way back.
How do you kill a blonde?
Stick a scratch-and-sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Take her to the Oval Office and tell her to go sit in the corner.