My Disturbing Short Story Series *MATURE*

[deadsuperhero]

Hi, everyone. It's been awhile for me, I guess, but I figured this would be the best to tell people about what I've been up to as of lately.

I have started a short story series. I assume that not a whole lot of people have read it yet. (No surprises there.), but I figured that at least sharing with some old AGS community friends would be a nice thing to do.

All my stories are under the Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike License.

The current series I am working on is a surrealist set of short stories depicting things that I find to be fundamentally wrong with the entire social, political, and economic systems in the United States. These opinions of mine are taken to mass extremes and peppered with bizzare wordplay.

The series, in short, is called "Die American", a sort of sick portmanteau play on words of "Buy American!"

Anyway, I have just finished my second installment of it, and would love to see what you guys think of it.

The stories are disturbing, somewhat graphic (literaturewise, not visually), and involve bits of sexuality, violence, hatred, judgement, and frustration.

I have provided PDF and OpenDocument versions for all, and the second episode can be found in this entry.
Feel free to comment/love/hate/share. =]
-Alliance

[Phemar]

The series, in short, is called "Die American", a sort of sick portmanteau of "Buy American!"

I'll read some of them when I get home from my exam, but I just wanted to point out you should recheck the meaning of the word 'portmanteau'

(sorry to sound like a dick haha)

[deadsuperhero]

I just wanted to point out you should recheck the meaning of the word 'portmanteau'

Whoops! I assumed it was applicable to unrelated words that had a similar phonetic sound!
Ah well, guess it's just a pun then. Thanks for pointing that out though, guess we all learn something every day!

[Dudeman Thingface]

Ok, your stories themselves are actually pretty good.
They retain interest with a dark and morbidly (sometimes hateful) perception.

However, I do have a few gripes with it:

First, your sentences in your first story have a very stilted fell to them throughout the first story where they could easily be made to flow much smoother. Normally I'd give a few examples of where it's stilted and where it can be remedied, but you seem to have mostly cleared it by the second story and have clearly grown as a writer between the two stories.

Secondly, although I can see the point your trying to make, I can only do so after reading your comment that "this story deals with x". I think the meaning of your stories can be made a little clearer, which I personally feel is hindered by (in the first story) profuse swearing and (in the second story) a lengthier story which would make me care more about the main character.

Other than that, they're two solid stories that have very intriguing storylines.
Keep us posted for the third.

[Phemar]

Whoops! I assumed it was applicable to unrelated words that had a similar phonetic sound!
Ah well, guess it's just a pun then. Thanks for pointing that out though, guess we all learn something every day!

Haha that's assonance I think.