A little article on how to save Star Wars...

[LordHart]

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4980465/

COMMENTARY
By Christopher Bahn

We've got one more year before George Lucas finishes up his “Star Wars” prequel trilogy with the as-yet-untitled Episode III, and he certainly has his work cut out for him. Not only does he have to resolve the ongoing storylines of “Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones” in such a way as to lead directly into Episode IV, the original 1977 “Star Wars,” but he has to overcome two of the most soul-killingly dull storylines ever put on film. I mean, really â€" I've seen more interesting films on sandwiches I left in my fridge too long. Is there any way for Lucas to salvage the series in a single movie? It would take a great disturbance in the Force, but it's not impossible.

Hire some real behind-the-scenes talent
Considering that most of the worst ideas in the last two films came from Lucas himself, he might start by handing over the reins to another filmmaker.

It might be difficult to convince Lucas to go along with it, but if necessary Lucas could probably be tricked by telling him that Joseph Campbell is waiting with a documentary crew to massage Lucas' ego by interviewing him about his wonderful mythic imagination. When Lucas shows up, knock him out, encase him in a block of frozen carbonite and put him out of the way somewhere until the movie is out in theaters.

Give creative control entirely to a new directing and writing team â€" it almost doesn't matter who â€" and tell them to ignore “Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones” entirely. Rethink Episode III as a standalone story with one simple plotline: Anakin Skywalker has just married Padme (who is, unbeknownst to him, pregnant with the twins Luke and Leia who'll show up in the next film). Seduced by ambition, Anakin leaves behind his wife, his life and even his own name to join the evil Emperor Palpatine as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.

It's a story that lives or dies depending on how skillfully and sensitively a filmmaker can deal with the emotional content, and Lucas is not a filmmaker who appears capable of doing that anymore. Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia in the original trilogy, has said that “When George was directing, he'd only say two things: 'faster' or 'more intense.'” Fire Lucas as director, who has no sense of control over his storyline, encourages flat and affectless acting, and shellacs every scene with such a frenzy of special effects that they assault your senses like a strobe light.

While you're at it, fire Lucas the writer, who has not come up with a single witty or memorable phrase in the four hours of prequel trilogy out so far. The first trilogy didn't have this problem: For instance, “The Empire Strikes Back” had the help of the great noir writer Leigh Brackett.

Having better writers would save Lucas from amateurish nonsense like his decision to give Anakin Skywalker the emasculating nickname “Annie.” Perhaps he was planning to have him break out into a rousing chorus of “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”?

Or the totally unnecessary invention of microbial “midichlorians” to explain how the mystical Force gives Jedi knights their powers, perhaps the stupidest idea to come out of “Phantom Menace.” And that's really saying something considering all the cringe-inducing, thinly disguised sci-fi rehashes of racial stereotypes like Jar-Jar Binks. Thankfully, the “midichlorian” concept quietly dropped from the story in Clones.

Recast Darth Vader
Alfred Hitchcock's dictum that “the more successful the villain, the more successful the picture” is of primary importance to Episode III, since the rise of Darth Vader is the heart of the story. Lucas has already done more than enough work on another Hitchcock maxim, “Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.”

Fire Hayden Christensen, whose single emotive capacity is sullen petulance, and whose attempts to put on the magisterial rage that must become Darth Vader's hallmark instead sound like a tenth-grader whose dad won't let him borrow the car. This is essentially the story of a guy who becomes Space Hitler, which is already hard enough to get people to take seriously without casting a scowly teen. And cut off that stupid-looking ponytail too, for crying out loud.

Clear out the dead wood
While you're at it get rid of Natalie Portman, who as Queen Amidala has all the regal presence of a mallrat shopping at her local Fashion Bug. Keep Samuel Jackson, Frank Oz, Anthony Daniels, and Ian McDiarmid, and thank your lucky stars that you've got Christopher Lee, who's been showcasing his considerable talent in Z-grade horror flicks for decades and knows better than perhaps any living actor how to pull a terrific performance out of truly awful material. Tell Ewan Macgregor, who's proven elsewhere he's a fine actor, that it's safe to come out and emote now. Fire everyone else.

Hire Ed Wood
In many ways, “Phantom” and “Clones” were the answer to the unasked question “What would the director of ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space' have done with a talented effects crew and a $200 million budget?” Well then, why not bring Ed Wood back from the grave to direct Episode III? Sure, it's a farfetched idea, but it's easier to swallow than “midichlorians.” We can see it now: Darth Vader develops a sudden fetish for angora sweaters, and mocks people who fall for his Jedi mind tricks with “See! It's your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!”

Rip off more Kurosawa
It's no slur on the genuinely great first “Star Wars” that much of the plotline and characterization was lifted straight out of Akira Kurosawa's “The Hidden Fortress.” Reusing older plotlines is a terrific way to shore up the fact that you have no interesting plots of your own. And after all, the extremely talented Kurosawa dipped into Shakespeare's well of ideas more than once â€" and Shakespeare himself lifted many of his plots from earlier plays. For Episode III, rip off Kurosawa's ripoff of Shakespeare's “Macbeth,” and retell the “Throne of Blood” storyline as Darth Vader's journey into evil.

Parody the whole concept
Maybe the best thing to do would be to get Anakin to embrace the Dark Side as quickly as possible, perhaps by forcing him to confront some terrible disappointment that will haunt him for the rest of his days. We suggest this two-line scene set in a Coruscant restaurant:

WAITER: Here's your green salad, sir.
ANAKIN: What? You fool, I told you NO CROUTONS! Aaaaaaargh!

Anakin puts on his black helmet and storms off to his local county clerk's office and fills out the paperwork to have his name legally changed to “Darth Annie Vader.” (He later quietly drops the middle name, realizing it doesn't help his macho image.) And then for the next two hours, it's all special-effects spaceship battles, which is the real reason most of us will go to the theater anyway. Fade to black.

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It all sounds good to me. Lucas needs to do a Kubric and die before the film is finished... then Steven Spielberg can come in and save the film...

[DGMacphee]

I read a news article that said after Episode III, he was going to go back to smaller films like American Graffiti.

We can only hope.

[Nacho]

The analysis started well.... why turns it silly at the end? I enjoyed the first part...

And yeah, Episode I, specially Jar Jar Binks sucked... I think that the main goal of Episode IV, V and VI was that it was telling a tale about a little group of people invonlved into a huge gallactic storyline whereas in the I and II episodes it's more focused in big battles and "macroeffects" than in feelings...

A clear example is when "Annie" leaves her mother alone in Tatooine:

-"Mom can't come? No? oooh... Well, I'll be back for you mom!"

And... again... Jar Jar Binks sucked...

[Peter Thomas]

George Lucas suxors MORE!

[DGMacphee]

No he doesn't.

Lucas may have made some shitty films in the last few years, but a least has the ability to make some non-shitty films.

[Peter Thomas]

yeah, well. fair enough.

But I hate him for star wars. I mean REALLY hate him.

[Nacho]

Why? He has directed/Produced/wrote some of the best films ever... Why does he suck? Because he has made two bad films? If so... indeed, he sucks... And Coppola and Kubrick and Hitchcok and Spielberg, all of them have two bad films at least in their filmography... Actually, with that attitude we all suck, I think.

[Gurok]

You hate him for Star Wars now, as it is, or you hate him for Star Wars even before the new episodes were released?

Personally, I'm not a big fan of the new episodes. I imagine they'll get better as they age. So that, in 20 years time, we can look back and watch like Star Wars I and go "man, that's got such a cool story line". Oh God, imagine how boring the storylines will be in 20 years time when Star Wars VII comes out.

[DGMacphee]

[LGM]What?!?! You obviously haven't SEEN American Graffiti, Peter Thomas!!![/LGM]

[Las Naranjas]

He has strengths, but he really needs to collaborate because his weaknesses are striking, and unfortunately years of idolatry have meant that this has now been forgotton by him.

[Peter Thomas]

You don't get me.

I like American Graffiti. And I would probably like George Lucas if he HADN'T ruined Star Wars.

The fact is, he did, and I hate him for it.

It's probably not fair, but that's not the point. The point is, I think he sucks.

[MrColossal]

looking back with grown up eyes i can safely say that personally there wasn't much to really ruin about star wars, it's kind of interesting i suppose but i can't say it's really any better than other science fiction i've seen except effects wise

Mark Hamill whines his way through the film, Darth Vader without James Earl Jones is just a guy in a suit waving his hands around on screen and Ewoks...

but whateva' that's why we have personal likes and dislikes and my not loving star wars doesn't hurt anyone

[DGMacphee]

Peter, I know it's your opinion, but I'm a little confused about something.

There have been hundreds of directors (FarlanderÃ,  pointed out a few) who have made a few shitty films amidst some very brilliant films. Why is Lucas different to all those guys?

I mean, by that logic, you'd have to think Scorsese sucks for making "New York, New York".

Or Coppola for making "Jack" or "The Cotton Club".

Or the Coen Brothers for doing a dodgy remake of "The Ladykillers".

Do you think the above directors suck too? And if not, why does George specifically suck and not them?

[Peter Thomas]

Yeah, I know DG.Ã,  But I don't think they suck. Don't know why.

I just focus it all on Lucas because I hate him. Why do I hate him? Because he stuffed up Star Wars. Why don't I hate the others? Because I'm too busy hating Lucas.

EDIT: I hate star wars full stop, too. The fact that George lucas insisted on making it kinda annoyed me, too.

[veryweirdguy]

I agree with Eric here to some extent.

Now, I wasn't around when Star Wars first came out of course, but I did love it as a young kid (as opposed to an older kid like I am now). My dad got me the videos to watch, & I thought the whole thing was spectacular.

But lately, I've been looking at the whole thing from a different perspective: I now think Star Wars is overrated.

The basic plot is fair enough - good vs evil. Fine. I can deal with that.

But now I also look at the acting & dialogue (terribly wooden, in my opinion) & I can't help but look at it all in a new light.

Sure, the special effects were magnificant for the time, but I like to think that effects shouldn't matter much in a movie - that's really what was wrong with The Matrices, they relied too much on effects.

I watched episodes I & II recently, & tried my best to compare them to the originals. Farlander is right, the new ones do focus a lot on battles from a wider perspective & stuff, but a lot of the lightsaber stuff is a lot better than before (the Yoda battle from Episode II is amazing, better than any other in my opinion).

I came to the conclusion that the two new ones aren't that bad, that people look through the old ones with rose tinted glasses too much. Lucas even said himself something along the lines of how he made the new ones (for the most part) for the audience that his old (70s) audience used to be - the excited 10 year old boys.

Perhaps the problem for a lot of people now is that the...........'adventure' of space travel doesn't appeal to them anymore. Nowadays, when you think NASA, you think high tech & moon rocks. People aren't fascinated as much by all this as much as they were in the late 70s.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Or rather, my two pence as I live in Britain.

[Peter Thomas]

amen to the first 6 sentences.

[MrColossal]

I agree with Eric here to some extent.

Fabulous!

(the Yoda battle from Episode II is amazing, better than any other in my opinion).

But it how about this... all the other lightsaber battles were between actual people. they had sticks in their hands and they really fought... Christopher Lee stood in a room and swung a stick a bit and then they added in Yoda doing all these flips... Not so cool in my opinion. I'd rather watch Bruce Lee kick the shit outta 300 guys than watch him beat up a complete CG 3 armed monster

[veryweirdguy]

That's true actually, I've never thought about it like that.

From a production point of view, the original light saber battles were better. But I still find the Yoda one more entertaining, despite how it was made. It was definately a lot more lively than the originals (have you SEEN the originals? vwing.........................10 mins later.....................another vwing...................), & surely the final product should justify the means?

Although, I agree with that Bruce Lee comment. I find that sort of stuff 10 times more interesting & entertaining than any of your modern slow-motion-bullets-flying-kick-off-the-wall-jump-10-foot-high-computer-generated stuff that people seem to like at the moment.

So I suppose I'm split here. I dunno whether to agree or not.

ARGH! Damn you Eric, you have messed me up with your damn opinions!

[Nacho]

Fortunately, they've "fixed" the problem of coherence between lightsaber style fights in "series" and "prequels" somewhat. The explanation is that in IV, V and VI we see a newbie, a wouded and an old person fighting (Luke, Darth and Obi Wan) and in the prequels we see the best jedis fighting... It works for me, but I think that the prequels overwhelm the old films in some way. The explanation is that new hope, the empire strikes... are films located in a post-war era, but... 

[Gilbert]

Hehe there'll only be hope if Lucas passes the SW completely to my hand.

That way I'll ditch the use of light sabers completely.

"WTF?2? Light saber is the only cool thing in the series!1!", you may yell.

Now I'm going to tell you, why it will be much much cooler directed by me:

Because I will replace all the light sabers with teh ULT1M4T3 light nanchukas!1!

* Gilbot V7000a actually never watched SW1 and SW2, he flees...