The White Room

Started by LGM, Wed 18/05/2005 04:00:14

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LGM

Nope, this is not a gag background... It's actually a short story I have written.

I beleive this is probably one of my most significant and accomplished works thus far, and I would like some input from your friendly, helpful AGSers.

If you decide to take a gander and find something to edit or a place to add input, put it in parentheses and in red so I can spot it easily.

Thanks!

The White Room
You. Me. Denny's.

Raider

Wow, very interesting and well structured story.
I think you could make the ending a bit more clearer to what acctually happend in the 'real world'. (I'm guessing that he told the doc everything and the paper he screwed up was all of it).
I think it needs more of a solid ending, rather than just stopping. Maybe add in somthing like: "We will carry one with this next week if you like" says the doc. So it leaves room for more maybe.

I edited it a bit. I put it in red, and one sentance that didn't make sense in blue.

I don't know how to post up a word doc so if someone can tell me I will post up the edited version for [igm]

LGM

I agree about the ending. I think I did have the doctor say that at one point in writing, maybe I'll put it back. I just liked ending it with a "What now?" kind of thing. If you could tell, I tried to leave alot up to the reader's imagination

Thanks for reading. You can use the AGS uploader thingy in the sticky in this forum (It's not just for pics)
You. Me. Denny's.

Andail

printing and about to read, bbl

Raider

#4
How do I do it?? I uploaded it but i cant get the link to work.

Gilbert

Did you upload to that AGS upload space in 2dadventure.com? It seems that there're some problem with newly uploaded files at the moment, hopefully it'll be fixed later.

Raider

Yeah I did that. Is there another way or do we have to wait?

Gilbert

Just wait, or find another place you can upload stuff if you can't wait.

Andail

#8
Ok, I've read it. It's overall a good story, but there are some issues.
Let's look at the grammatical issues first. I'll just bring up the first page.

Apart from some minor spelling errors (two in the second paragraph alone), there are one or two tense errors.
Now it reads:
"I lay on the old, musty couch I had found the summer before. It was just sitting there on somebody's curb...etc"
Since the story is told in past tense, when referring to something prior to that, you should use perfect tense, such as:
"I lay on the old, musty couch I had found the summer before. It had just been sitting there on somebody's curb...etc"

Word class error:
"But hey, at least it was comfortably"
should read
""But hey, at least it was comfortable"
This is probably unintentional, but you have used adverb instead of adjective.

Clause structure:
"...announcing the third and agonizing hour..."
"Third" and "agonizing" shouldn't be in conjunction like that, since they differ so much in nature. Compare "third and final", "slow and agonizing" etc.
One way to solve it could be to write "third, and highly agonizing,..." or something like that.

The whole story
Overall language:
A bit too colloquial at times. Especially a doctor wouldn't say "I know a fella downtown" when referring to a psychiatrist.
The fact that the protagonist uses a highly colloquial and sometimes obscene language is perfectly fine, but note that it portrays him as socially challenged, if not downright dumb. You don't normally swear and shout to a doctor like that.
Now it depicts him as a bit odd, which just adds to the story, so it's fine.

Plot elements:
Unless the protagonist is a bit ignorant, he shouldn't be so upset and surprised about being recommended a psychiatrist; after all his symptoms are purely psychological, and it's rather questionable whether he should go see an ordinary doctor at all.

Hypnosis wouldn't be recommended immediately like that. The psychiatrist would probably want to see him several times before taking such actions.
Also, you're describing hypnosis as if it was a Donald Duck episode. Try researching a bit.

The story emphasises on seemingly arbitrary things and events. The story behind his couch (which plays no important part of the story) is dedicated as much text as the entire hypnosis procedure. A short story like this demands much more prioritisation than for instance a novel.

The backflash offers great immersion and is definitely good reading. It ends too soon, however, and the ending is awkward.

The unnerving behaviour of the protagonist, along with his backflash, are the most rewarding parts of the story, but overall it's too unfocused and unrealistic for my taste. There are simply too many things happening in too short time, and they are given unproportional amounts of text.

If I were you, I would strip down the plot. Make it cover only the sessions with the psychiatrist, or only his everyday life and behaviour.

I hope I'm not being discouraging :) There's definitely a storyteller within you, and I look forward to your next creation.

LGM

#9
Sweet! This is going to help and is exactly what I needed, Andail.

I find myself having trouble forming sentences from time to time, and since English is your second language (I would assume, anyway) you obviously know most of the grammatical rules better than I.

I agree mostly with what you say and I know they needed to be said. I posted this story in the Critic's Longue because I wanted unbiased opinions from people I didn't know personally (not that you're any less to me, Andail.)

I'm going to keep myself away from this story for a few days to let it settle in my mind, and then I am going to come back to it and pump some more juice into it.

I think one of the reasons it feels disjointed is because I was under a deadline to get the story done. So now with the deadline gone,  I can flesh out the psychologist session and stretch them out over a period of days or weeks. I realize now that it doesn't have to go down in a day.

Also, as far as seeing a physician, I wanted to express that the boss merely thought the protagonist was overworked or stressed out, which id actually a more physical than mental problem and wouldn't require a psychologist.

And yes, the use of the protaganist's language is a bit strong sometimes, but he is by all means not stupid. He has an office job, so he can't be too dumb.

I guess, also, most of my problems arise from lazy storytelling. I either don't make the effort to go all the way, or I forget something I wanted to express and it gets lost. That's something I'll need to work on, for sure.

And hey, if all of this gets worked out I may even try to submit it to some literary magazines.

Thanks again, Andail, for everything.
You. Me. Denny's.

LGM

Alright folks, the revised and awesome update to the Pulitzer Prize winning story is here; Read it while it's hot!

The White Room, Revisted
You. Me. Denny's.

Andail

Ok, this is definitely an improvement.

Some small typos to start with:
"...your problem is mores mental rather..."
"...I thank you Dr. Jones." should read "...I thank you, Dr. Jones." (a comma is used when addressing people)
"...'98, '97, '86". Should be '96.
"wrappers, the the occasional dime" (double the)

Over to the story.
One thing you could consider doing when writing a very short story like this one, is to come back to the central aspect repeatedly throughout the course of the story, and only "refer" to the events surrounding it. This would break up the chronology and make it more dynamic reading. I'll try to explain better:
Right now you have built the story as if it were a novel, only compressed. In a story this short, the reader should preferably be presented the central aspect right away, not be led to it through a series of events (as per the common novel). This is just a recommendation, but I think your story could gain from it.
A very dynamic beginning of the story could be:
"As I sat in the doctor's chair, approaching the instant where he would snap his fingers and my life would change, I thought back on what had led me to this."
Then back to:
"My boss had told me I needed to take a week off."
Then after a while, the time line would be interrupted again with more visions of the future.

Just suggestions, of course.

A few more notes regarding the plot.
It's not entirerly realistic that the outcome of the hypnosis would be so positive. While recovering missing memories like that is a vital part of the therapy, it will probably be very overwhelming and anguished in the beginning. In a case this serious, it could take months and even years of sessions before going back to normal.

The conclusion he makes in the ending has no support in the flashback.
"I realized that the life I dreamed of wasn't going to come on its own." This is quite a cliché, and it has little to do with what he experienced during his hypnosis.
The moral of the story should instead be something along the lines of "I realized that my feeling of yearning something not present originated in my childhood, and not in my current life."
or:
"I realized that the missing link of my life belonged to the past, and that I now had the means of putting it behind me."

Right now the story turns too abruptly, and becomes oddly pleasant all of a sudden.
The general mood in the final paragraph should be "There was quite a road ahead of me, but at least someone had pointed out the right direction."
instead of:
"Everything was good and I was happy."

Only some thoughts. I have a tendency to overdo c&c when it comes to writing.

If you could take the time to consider these suggestions, I definitely think it'd be worth it.
Good luck!

LGM

Oh crap, I changed the ending o_0 I thought I PMed you the most recent. The PDFed one..

Thanks anyway, and I agree with what you say about the ending you read. It was a slapped on, "call me cliche!" ending. It's fixed though.

Most recent version (100% sure): http://www.lilgryphmaster.com/docs/white_room.pdf

Just skip to the ending, the rest is almost the same. And about the dynamic bit, that's not such a bad idea.
You. Me. Denny's.

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