Salmagundi Street - Poem [Experimental]

Started by Flippy_D, Wed 01/06/2005 02:30:45

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Flippy_D

You wouldn't know it, but I live on Salmagundi Street.
It's brickwork donned with aerials,
And smells of chips.

Potted tarmac in the road,
The wall that got hit by Aiden's bike,
Pigeons cupped in gutters
And sparrows in the allotments.

Where the terraces crouch huddled
Under march drizzle, and saris in the rain,
Or hanging from the washing line next door
Like a night-time carnival,
Colours glowing damply.

And that one summer when the air was leaden,
And I dropped that toy police car off the side of the wall
Accidentally,
And couldn't find it again.

It skittered along the mortar and scratched.

There was that bit in the fence you could crawl through,
And stand, sniffing the chutney in the air,
Or the bacon from next door.
I think they've moved away now.

That was spring... In summer,
The green was a cocoon.
Me and Laura used to go there,
And there was a kiss once. But
We had to stop 'cause she had a boyfriend.

Even then we laughed,
That was good.
I got up on the roof of her house and they had to get a ladder.
She left for another school.

Shadows of August, when it got dark too early,
And the parks weren't safe,
And Declan got into drugs,
And there was something up the street to do with the police.

There was a wedding too,
But me and the guys didn't gather the confetti
This time. We were older;
Didn't have-want-need to do that kind of stuff.

Then there was a man,
This old guy who walked up the road every day
To get his papers and ciggies,
Carrying a cane, wearing a hat.
And one day, or week, he didn't walk,
And they found him at the foot of his stairs later.

And now it's winter.
And it's too cold,
And so many people are missing.
There's no more mad hot smells coming from
The people next door,
And someone patched up the fence.

And I lie in bed,
In the early morning -
(Not light yet, though,
Nothing coming through my curtains);
I close my eyes, and listen to the
Urban Birdsong
Of traffic on the high street.

big brother

#1
Just out of curiosity, have you found any good internet forums that specifically deal with poetry? I'm sure the people of a forum like that could give you very direct and helpful criticism.

As I understand it, the Critics' Lounge exists to help people with things related to AGS projects. Since poetry isn't a typical element featured in an adventure game, most of the people on the AGS forums won't be able to give you advice on par with that of other poetry enthusiasts.

It's nice that you write poetry and you share it with AGS people. Is there a reason you put this in the Critics' Lounge? Is there a part of it you're particularly unhappy with? Perhaps some phrasing doesn't work well, or you're having trouble putting it to a meter?

I don't think it's enough to post a work and not explain it. Maybe you should include a summary, telling us what you're trying to convey through your poem. Who knows, maybe your poem is too subtle, misdirects the reader, or just plain doesn't work. If you just post it as is, how are we to know?

As far as crits go, it's cliche (at least in prose) to title your work with a phrase that appears in the first or last line.
Mom's Robot Oil. Made with 10% more love than the next leading brand.
("Mom" and "love" are registered trademarks of Mom-Corp.)

Andail

(I don't have any c&c, just wanted to say that the critics' main purpose may be adventure-related stuff, but posting poetry is perfectly fine. Whether there will be adequate feedback is more doubtful, unfortunately!)

Igor

Must say i was really enjoying reading this!
While i'm not that much into poetry, i still like to read some occasionally..
I' d say it was very impressionistic, full of little moments and details.. i like that.
Very cute!

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