Need help choosing a writing style

Started by Rui 'Trovatore' Pires, Sat 08/07/2006 21:02:50

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Rui 'Trovatore' Pires

So, simply put: I have two intros for my long-standing project. In fact, they have been written with 4 months difference between them. They are different enough to suggest 2 different styles. I'd really like some help in choosing one, or hopefully receive enough input to start a 3rd style, so I can focus on that style alone throughout the game.

Here's the first version:

   You open your eyes and remain still as your body double-checks its every component, looking for flaws, looking for bugs, looking for anything... irregular.
   It finds nothing. Insofar as you can be pleased, pleased is exactly what you are, though you don't know  the word and wouldn't know what to do with it if you did. Words are senseless, anyway. Numbers are much more reliable.
   You step outside the regenerative booth and consult your inner counter and do a quick calculation. You estimate you have enough time to stimulate some cerebral activity before you have to be in your assigned workstation. In fact, you have T-47 minutes and 42 seconds.
   So thinking, you turn on your personal screen. Once again, you wonder at the efficiency of the Domus. The least possible space for the least number of commodities (namely two - the regenerative booth and your screen) meant the biggest possible amount of Exos in each Domus. Currently your own housed 34.759 Exos. A remarkable feat.
   The screen spews forth a greenish light and requests your input. You take its output jack and plug in. In a matter of seconds you are playing Chess against an artificial intelligence.
   The program starts the game. You watch and calculate the best possible move you can make. This should be an easy match...

<the screen shakes a bit>

-lash and a sensation of weight.
   Suddenly disoriented, you perform a quick emergency check. Your vital signs are well and stable. Your sensory input seems to be still working properly. You try and recall what may have happened, but are unable to do so in great detail. You remember a perfect chess position - your king had castled and was thoroughly protected, and your bishop was about to force a formidable back rank mate, with most of the opponent's defense forces pinned. And you seem to remember an unexpected move...
   Satisfied you're out of immediate danger, you consult your memory further, as well as your general state. You recall a brilliance, a flash. You detect some warmth in your upper-right appendage. You turn towards the sole window in you residence and look out, expecting to see the remains of a sucessful air raid (the first logical explanation for sudden flashes and feelings of warmth, all Exos know). And as you do, you notice that not all of you is moving as desired.
   All of this happened in fractions of second. Your body is extremely well kept, and it's reaction time is kept to a minimum. But upon noticing how your arm is lodged firmly in the screen, you stop and ponder. You seem to have attacked the screen, for some reason.
   This would require thinking about. It was an illogical course of action. But illogical actions don't exist, because they have no meaning. Therefore, it must have had a logical explanation.
   You just can't think of a single one.
   Once again, you get the value of your counter. You should get ready to leave to your workstation. One way or another, the arm will have to come out of the screen. It wouldn't do to work with a missing arm.  Questions would be asked. You don't know the answer. You know that illogical actions are severely punished. Therefore, you should prevent them being asked at all.
   Not to mention how unneficcient it is to work with a missing arm. Every appendage is necessary.
*********************

Ok, now here's the most recent version (which I've just typed, in fact):

   Electric life courses through your body. One by one, millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Thousands of circuits come into life.
   Satisfied that it is working properly, your system allows you all your voluntary functions. It is a cold, mechanic satisfaction, with no hint of pleasure. But then, you yourself have never known any other kind of satisfaction. Or of pleasure. Meaningless words, the lot of them. Unreliable.
   You open your eyes and step out of your regenerative booth. Words did not build your booth, words did not build your Domus or the 4.367 other Exos that lived there. If you thought about it, you'd conclude that words are meaningless and useless, a weak substitute for numbers and calculations.
   Your inner counter informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. You calculate that is time enough to invest in some mental exercise. And so thinking, you place your hand on the console of your personal panel.
   A single line of line passes trough the console, reads the identification in your palm and fingers, informs you that you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life your personal screen. You choose to spend some time on a Chess match.
   Before long, your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed on the challenge.   

<the screen shakes a bit>

   Emergency circuits take over before you are fully emerged from your dormant state. Your optical circuits find themselves taking every possible information they can even before you are able to make sense of their information.
   Your system is confused. It has sensed a small and localized explosion, persistent heat and an equally localized sensation of immobility. It has perceived sounds of breaking glass and shattering metal. It is fully alert to the threat. But it has found no threat at all.
   Your memory is no help. You remember nothing except for the last moves of your Chess match. You seemed to have, after great lengths, managed to corner the opposing King into submission, and were about to use an infallible back-rank technique, when an opposing Bishop that had elluded your grasp managed to...
   ...odd. Your memory stops at this point.
   Only now that your system has established a lack of an actual threat do you take in your surroundings. You are midly surprised. Your hand is bunched into a fist, and is sticking out of a hole which is filled with wires and broken glass. A hole which, in fact, until very recently served as your personal panel.
   You seem to have attacked your own panel.
   It worries you that you would have done so. It worries you that you should be worried, as worry indicates fault. It worries you that you should be at fault, and might have to report yourself. It worries you that you are still worrying.
   At this point, you impose order on your thoughts and relaxation on your system. You check your counter again. It informs you you have ample time before you are due to report at your workstation.
   Before you go, however (and go you must, it's your duty as a citizen), you must find a way to remove your hand from the panel. It is vital for your work that this is so - one single hand is too inneficient.
   Also, questions might arise. And in a situation such as this, you could give no logical answers. And illogical answers are not only frowned upon. They are punished.
   You never knew what the actual punishment was, or why it was deemed necessary. You hope ("hope", what a strange sentiment...) not to find out. And that implies an efficient solution to this puzzle...
****************

Well, that's it. Any thoughts?
Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Kneel. Now.

Never throw chicken at a Leprechaun.

Vince Twelve

Personally, I thought the first did a much better job at explaining the emotions -- or lack thereof -- of the protagonist, but I didn't really see two different writing styles here.  They both seem to have about the same style just written differently.  I do like a few things about the second.  Especially the "you are, indeed, the exo unit you believe yourself to be" line.  However, I'd warn you about writing in present tense.  It is exceedingly difficult to do in a story without slipping into past tense.

The story looks good, and I'd love to see where it's going!

And as an aside: Great to have you back!  We missed you!

Ali

I favour the second passage because it is more fluid and has gently wry humour that the first lacks. The first is more precise and mechanical, and consequently less enjoyable. The character is a machine, but I, the reader, am not*. Most importantly, at the end of the second passage, I genuinely wanted to get on and solve the mystery.

There are, however places where the second passage seems a little clumsy. The repetition of 'emerge' and 'information' after the screen shake doesn't seem as intentional as the effective repetition of 'satisfaction' in the second paragraph of the same passage.

I would also suggest substituting 'logic' and 'illogical' for 'reason' and 'irrational' once or twice. This is simply because I think "Spock" whenever I hear 'illogical' used repeatedly.

This last point is just a thought, but for me, this reads like a voice-over. It's full of signifiers that we only just have enough information to grasp. The point I'd like to make is that it's much more interesting and enjoyable to hear someone speak material which cannot fully be understood than to read it. One thing you might consider would be writing an abridged version to use as a game intro and include the full version in the game's readme. It think that could be have better pace in the context of the game. Presumably, opportunities to give depth to the Exos and their Domus would come through exploration of locations.

As I say, that's just a thought. I'm looking forward to hearing more.

-Ali.

Quote from: Vince Twelve on Sun 09/07/2006 06:55:22
And as an aside: Great to have you back! We missed you!

Seconded!

*Or if I am, a squashy pink machine.

Rui 'Trovatore' Pires

#3
Heh. I forgot how subjective writing is... 2 replies, each favouring a different one.

And thanks for the welcome. :D

First off: I guess I should have said this before... this is for the intro of a text adventure. Dunno how this affects your take on it, but I should have said it first. Also relates to the "present tense" thing, Vince. :) And Ali, believe me, this is the minimum necessary amount of background info at this stage... I tried to cut a bit out already. Although I could, say, remove the bits concerning the residence and the Domus, I'd like to establish the space ASAP - after all, it's where the action occurs. All else that might be "cuttable" is an unfortunate side-effect of my style - I do tend to ramble on, at times... sometimes I lose coherence. I mean, look at this bloated paragraph right here! I rest my case.

Ali, I think I see what you mean by
QuoteThe first is more precise and mechanical, and consequently less enjoyable. The character is a machine, but I, the reader, am not.

I think the trouble was me trying to convey all the lack-of-emotions, robotic-theme thing in content *and in tone*. And by tone I tried longer sentences and more "mechanical", less fluid words and terms. And I totally forgot to think whether the reader would enjoy reading it. This author's common fault: forgetting the reader is not stupid, and would prefer being hinted things than being told so many, many times over. Still, this is such an alien background that I wanted some things to be clear from the start.

I think I see what both of you mean, and after re-reading both my entries and your replies I have written the following (in fact, I wrote it up right now, in the "quick reply" box. I tried to get the good from both passages (though clearly favouring the second), and even added a little extra near the end (which is probably too much anyway, but hey, let's experiment), do you think it's better?

Electric life courses through your body. One by one, millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Thousands of circuits are activated and bring you to life.
Ã,  Ã, Satisfied that it is working properly, your system allows you all your voluntary functions. It is a cold, mechanic satisfaction, with no hint of pleasure. But then, you yourself have never known any other kind of satisfaction. Or of pleasure. Meaningless words, the lot of them - citizens have no time for such abstractions. Nor do they care.
Ã,  Ã, You open your eyes and step out of your regenerative booth. Words did not build your booth, words did not build your Domus or the 4.367 other Exos that lived there. If you thought about it, you'd conclude that words are meaningless and useless, a weak substitute for numbers and calculations. But, of course, you do not.
Ã,  Ã, Your inner timer informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. You calculate that is time enough to invest in some mental exercise. And so thinking, you place your hand on the console of your personal panel.
Ã,  Ã, A single line of light passes trough the console, reads the identification in your palm and fingers, informs you that you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life your personal screen. You choose to spend some time on a Chess match.
Ã,  Ã, Before long, your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed on the challenge.Ã,  Ã, 

<the screen shakes a bit>

Ã,  Ã, Emergency circuits take over before you are fully aroused from your dormant state. Your optical circuits find themselves taking every possible information they can even before you are able to make sense of the data.
Ã,  Ã, Your system is confused. It has sensed a small and localized explosion, persistent heat and an equally localized sensation of immobility. It has perceived sounds of breaking glass and shattering metal. It is fully alert to the threat, and has established the correct procedures to follow. But it has found no threat at all.
Ã,  Ã, Your memory banks are of no help. You remember nothing except for the last moves of your Chess match. You seemed to have, after great lengths, managed to corner the opposing King into submission, having pinned his most immediate defenders, and were about to use an infallible back-rank technique, when an opposing Bishop that had elluded your grasp managed to...
Ã,  Ã, ...odd. Your memory stops at this point.
Ã,  Ã,  Your body is extremely well kept, and its reaction time is kept to a minimum. You have managed to go through all these motions in what would be called, in more subjective worlds, the blink of an eye. And only now, past the immediate emergency, do you allow your conscience to fulle emerge. It is mildly surprised. Your hand is bunched into a fist, and is sticking out of a hole which is filled with wires and broken glass. A hole which, in fact, until very recently served as your personal panel.
Ã,  Ã, You seem to have attacked your own panel.
Ã,  Ã, It worries you that you would have done so. It worries you that you should be worried, as worry indicates fault. It worries you that you should be at fault, and might have to report yourself. It worries you that reporting yourself is worrying, as it an irrational response towards the city's necessary rules. And most of all, it worries you that you are still worrying.
Ã,  Ã, At this point, you impose order on your thoughts and relaxation on your system. You block worry, which is not unknown to you, and the strange feeling you have no name for. A feeling which makes your Spinal Column tremble ever so slightly, and makes you aware of every small detail in your immediate surroundings. A feeling which is as alien and as familiar to you as... the sentence eludes your grasp. Metaphors are a spawn of words, and until now you never even needed to consider them.
Ã,  Ã, Others might have known what you are feeling. They would have nodded, and maybe comforted you. They would have explained to you what "fear" is. But here and now, *are* no others.
Ã,  Ã, You briskly stop *that* line of thought as well. It is not uncommon for you to wonder at length on various themes, but you have no time and no wish to do so now. You check your timer again. It informs you you have ample time before you are due to report at your workstation.
Ã,  Ã, Before you go, however (and go you must, it's your duty as a citizen), you must find a way to remove your hand from the panel. It is vital for your work that this is so - one single hand is inneficient.
Ã,  Ã, Also, questions might arise. And in a situation such as this, you could give no logical answers. And illogical answers are not only frowned upon. They are punished.
Ã,  Ã, You never knew what the actual punishment was, or why it was deemed necessary. You hope ("hope", what a strange sentiment...) not to find out. And that implies an efficient solution to this puzzle...

EDIT - Oh. I said I'd written this up, when in effect what I did was copy/paste the second version and touch it up... sorry about that.
Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Kneel. Now.

Never throw chicken at a Leprechaun.

Wellington

Improving, but I suggest large cuts. Even text adventures generally avoid long, noninteractive passages.

In fact, why not make the opening circuitry check interactive? This would force to player to start thinking like a robot immediately.

But if you don't want to change it so drastically, you could consider just trimming the less polished bits. For example, you needn't say that the robot experiences...

"a cold, mechanic satisfaction, with no hint of pleasure. But then, you yourself have never known any other kind of satisfaction. Or of pleasure.  [etc.]"

What you describe here in five sentences is either very straightforward, or totally inexpressible. In any case, it's dangerous to tell the player exactly what to feel. Better to show the PC's state through its actions, rather than explain in detail.

Furthermore, can we really expect to reach any insights into emotion, consciousness, or humanity in the first paragraphs of a game? Those will come, if they come at all, after the player has gotten emotionally engaged.

After all, being told that a PC doesn't feel, and then being told that it is worried, affects me little. Why should I care? It's like meeting a stranger in the street and being greeted with, "Sir? I don't feel anything. No, wait. I do. Good day!"

---

On to the rewrites.

"Electric life courses through your body. One by one, millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Thousands of circuits are activated and bring you to life.
   Satisfied that it is working properly, your system allows you all your voluntary functions. It is a cold, mechanic satisfaction, with no hint of pleasure. But then, you yourself have never known any other kind of satisfaction. Or of pleasure. Meaningless words, the lot of them - citizens have no time for such abstractions. Nor do they care.
   You open your eyes and step out of your regenerative booth. Words did not build your booth, words did not build your Domus or the 4.367 other Exos that lived there. If you thought about it, you'd conclude that words are meaningless and useless, a weak substitute for numbers and calculations. But, of course, you do not.
   Your inner timer informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. You calculate that is time enough to invest in some mental exercise. And so thinking, you place your hand on the console of your personal panel.
   A single line of light passes trough the console, reads the identification in your palm and fingers, informs you that you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life your personal screen. You choose to spend some time on a Chess match.
   Before long, your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed on the challenge."

So, what can we do?

First, bearing in mind what I said about philosophical speculation above, let's cut the bit about satisfaction and words. The meaninglessness of words is a great theme for a text adventure - you can really exploit the format to illustrate the problem - but why pound it in now?

"Electric life courses through your body. One by one, millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Thousands of circuits are activated and bring you to life.
   Satisfied that it is working properly, your system allows you all your voluntary functions. It is a cold, mechanic satisfaction.
   As you step from your regenerative booth, your inner timer informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. You calculate that is time enough to invest in some mental exercise. And so thinking, you place your hand on the console of your personal panel.
   A single line of light passes trough the console, reads the identification in your palm and fingers, informs you that you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life your personal screen. You choose to spend some time on a Chess match.
   Before long, your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed on the challenge."

But this cut has altered the flow of the passage - and revealed how barren of interesting action it really is. Well, let's trim it down to the bone:

"Electric life courses through your body. As you step from your regenerative booth, your timer informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. It is enough time to engage in mental exercise.
   You place your hand on your personal console. A line of light scans it, informs you that you are the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life the screen. You choose to spend some time on a chess match.
   Before long, your external awareness fades, your mind engrossed in the challenge."

Okay, it's cut down to a skeleton (though we could, and should, cut even more if we can!) but it's also as DEAD as a skeleton. All traces of personal interest have vanished. Well, let's do this step-by-step. Which details are most striking? The circuit bypass is nice, so let's put that back in. The "4.367 other Exos" bit is neat - what does the .367 mean? Also, it makes the phrase, "you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be" unnecessary, which is good, since it's awkward.

On that note, we might want to cut another detail - the timer. See, if this rising is habitual, and the time to regeneration is precisely calibrated, should the protagonist even need to check a timer? Consider the alternative: "As there is an inevitable gap of 1 hour, 47 minutes, and 24 seconds (+/- 4 seconds) between activation and the call to report for duty, you choose to engage in mental exercise."

After all, does the Exo consciously need to calculate these things whenever a time is needed? What about precisely timed actions, like walking? While a robot might be able to measure time much more precisely than a human being, making that process conscious (whatever that means) actually introduces a processing/attention problem, especially given that this robot has a limit on the number of things it can pay attention to at once.

So let's make these changes:

"Electric life courses through your body. One by one, millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Stepping from your regenerative booth, you note that, as usual, there will be an interval of 1 hour, 47 minutes, and 24 seconds (+/- 4 seconds) until the call to duty.
   Enough time, then, for mental exercise. You place your hand on your personal console. A line of light scans it, informs you that you are the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life the screen. You choose to spend some time on a chess match.
   Before long, your external awareness fades, your mind engrossed in the challenge."

Still dull. To cut down on text bulk and kick it up a notch, we'll replace several of the passive constructions with active verbs. Yes, this is trite advice. Yes, passive constructions can be useful. But an opening has got to grab the player. Sure, you may want to distance the player from the PC, but using limp constructions isn't the best way to do it. Also, let's restructure some sentences for brevity.

"Electricity courses through ten million tiny circuits, bypassing just over a hundred defective switches. You'll have them checked at your next medical inspection.

Stepping from your regenerative booth, you note that, as usual, there will be an interval of 1 hour, 47 minutes, and 24 seconds (+/- 4 seconds) until you are called to duty, along with the other 4.367 other Exos living in your Domus. Enough time for mental exercise.

You place a clammy hand on your personal console, and wait as a thin line of light scans it and activates the screen. A chess match begins. Before long, your external awareness fades, your mind engrossed in the challenge."

It still needs editing for flow - always a problem for me - but at least it's more to the point.

[Note: A later nitpick: "Your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed in the challenge" is a misuse of the word conscience, at least in its current usage. While archaically the word can mean "consciousness," that usage is now downright misleading. If you have thematic reasons for this, though, go ahead.]

---

I hope that helped. For further guidance, the following text adventure openings are great models to work from:

"Sharp words between the superpowers. Tanks in East Berlin. And now, reports the BBC, rumors of a satellite blackout. It's enough to spoil your continental breakfast.

But the world will have to wait. This is the last day of your $599 London Getaway Package, and you're determined to soak up as much of that authentic English ambience as you can. So you've left the tour bus behind, ditched the camera and escaped to Hyde Park for a contemplative stroll through the Kensington Gardens. "

- Trinity, by Brian Moriarty

---

"You come around a corner, away from the noise of the opening.

There is only one exhibit.  She stands in the spotlight, with her back to you: a sweep of pale hair on paler skin, a column of emerald silk that ends in a pool at her feet.  She might be the model in a perfume ad; the trophy wife at a formal gathering; one of the guests at this very opening, standing on an empty pedestal in some ironic act of artistic deconstruction --

You hesitate, about to turn away.  Her hand balls into a fist.

"They told me you were coming."'

- Galatea, by Emily Short

---
This one's especially worth including, given that you play as a computer in this game:

"You "hear" a message coming in on the official message line: "PRISM? Perelman here. The psych tests have all checked out at 100%, which means that you've recovered from the, ah, awakening without any trauma or other serious effects.
We'll be ready to begin the simulation soon. By the way, your piece is in the current issue of Dakota Online."

A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING
Infocom interactive fiction - a science fiction story
Copyright (c) 1985 by Infocom, Inc. All rights reserved.
A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING is a trademark of Infocom, Inc.
Release 77 / Serial number 850814

You have entered Communications Mode. The following locations are equipped with communication outlets:
   PRISM Project Control Center (PPCC)
   Research Center Rooftop (RCRO)
   Dr. Perelman's Office (PEOF)
   PRISM Facility Cafeteria (PCAF)
   Maintenance Core (MACO)
   World News Network Feed (WNNF)
To activate a specific outlet, submit the associated code.

>"

Of course, there are other ways of portraying a robot. "Bad Machine," by Dan Shiovitz, begins with a "?" prompt. Typing anything then gives the intro text, which begins...

"<Constructor173 perform_task><Assembler474 pause><Climber146 perform_task><Climber508 report power_level><Planner73 advance_to (109,167)><Cleaner407 begin_term><Assaulter254 work><Assembler209 report power_level><Transport299 begin_term><Climber111 move_to Fixer380><Invader20 work><Flyer387 work><Salvager197 perform_task><Regulator243 perform_task><Salvager366 advance_to (739,76)><Digger115 report power_level><Scout136 perform_task><Recycler445 perform_task><Scout43 perform_task><Transport490 repeat><Digger294 begin_term><Constructor166 change_jurisdiction Area11><Climber468 move_to Fixer352><Drone197 change_jurisdiction Area27><Assaulter342 begin_term><Salvager91 work><Lifter491 move_to Fixer394><Maintainer254 advance_to (599,571)><Transport32 work><Transport215 work><Assaulter329 work><Assembler221 change_jurisdiction Area12><Recycler46 advance_to (459,646)><Transport470 report power_level><Maintainer37 change_jurisdiction Area56><Salvager24 work><Transport438 advance_to (528,674)><Recycler302 report power_level><Assaulter456 begin_term><Salvager407 perform_task><Climber168 repeat><Stoker27 change_jurisdiction Area60><Recycler402 move_to Fixer372><Assaulter44 work><Worker319 work><Cleaner177 move_to Fixer134><Maintainer305 end_term><Climber348 report power_level><Constructor255 work><Assembler408 repeat><Builder239 advance_to (810,386)><Salvager370 end_term><Constructor165 change_jurisdiction Area20><Driller189 pause><Regulator422 move_to Fixer257><Worker306 pause><Assembler432 work><Invader208 advance_to (542,439)><Assaulter23 work><Climber102 pause><Climber304 perform_task><Cleaner226 perform_task><Transport100 begin_term><Transport184 perform_task><Transport159 pause><Maintainer463 work><Recycler218 perform_task><Climber342 move_to Fixer318><Constructor177 report power_level><Salvager59 advance_to (324,365)><Regulator246 repeat><Cleaner115 change_jurisdiction Area25><Salvager321 move_to Fixer338><Constructor265 work><Transport113 report power_level><Compressor90 end_term><Stoker90 repeat><Worker324 pause><Assembler147 perform_task><Digger482 pause><Climber141 perform_task><Constructor5 advance_to (251,280)><Lifter424 change_jurisdiction Area54><Regulator430 repeat><Cleaner206 perform_task><Maintainer286 repeat><Climber54 change_jurisdiction Area15><Maintainer232 pause><Stoker326 perform_task><Climber451 work><Flyer215 begin_term><Recycler394 work><Compressor407 work><Worker59 transcribe><Salvager421 repeat><Salvager272 advance_to (552,278)><Salvager472 work><Recycler81 work><Salvager166 end_term><Flyer450 pause><Worker506 end_term><Constructor266 change_jurisdiction Area51><Invader473 change_jurisdiction Area50><Flyer483 perform_task><Digger448 advance_to (106,713)><Negotiator22 advance_to (786,865)><Digger70 begin_term>"

Rui 'Trovatore' Pires

Wow. I just got a lesson in writing.

When I read your wonderful suggestions, though, I found myself thinking it wouldn't quite do. The problem seems to go a bit deeper. I'll throw caution to the wind and explain precisely what I want.

The main character is an Exo unit. Or more precisely, as are all other characters, a lifeform inside an Exo unit. These units are exo-skeletons for the lifeforms themselves, which are pretty much amorphuos (sp?) blobs of mass. Without the Exos, they have complete use of their mental abilities, which range from what we know as "intelligence" to what we know as "mental powers" - including, and not limited to, telekinesis. It's thanks to this latter that Exos are built. Exos are also built to refrain the lifeforms from achieving some mental abilities, like telekinesis - Exos are a home and a prison to the lifeforms. This is per design, as decided the 7 elder lifeforms that... well, bit of backstory. Let's stick to the point.

But the lifeforms aren't devoid of emotion. Not completely. Though the Exos' lifestyle supresses emotions totally, some of them - some more than others - are still able to think in higher forms than a+b=c. And some of these repress these things themselves.

Now that I've said this, what would I like to ideally achieve with the intro?

a) I'd like to introduce the fact that the player is not human, and the gameworld isn't earth
b) gently introduce the fact that it's that kind of society (though there's a very small section prior to this intro that I think does the job, so it doesn't worry me overmuch
c) show that the character is MEANT to think logically, robotically
d) show that, nevertheless, there is SOMETHING else there. But something that's still small.*
e) say what happened to the character (the panel-punching episode)
f) make sure the player understand how bizarre an occurrence that is
g) transmit the following bottom-line: nevermind everything else, the character has a duty to do, and he has to do it, so get moving.

* in effect, during the first few minutes of the game I intend to hint at it 2 or 3 times, then lay low for quite a while.

One more thing - despite what it may sound like, I don't want them to be 100% precise and robotic. VERY precise and robotic, yes, but their restoration - like sleep - should still suffer fluctuations of efectiveness and length. Much like our sleep. In fact, for reasons undisclosed at this point, I want these robots to act very human (the domus, the society, the panel, their morphology, it's all very humanlike - nothing is to be totally "alien". Logic and reason are no aliens to us, either, just not at this level), as well as robotic.

Should be an interesting challenge. :)

Ok, like you've probably seen, my style has a lot of those "sideways sentences" that don't really add to the action. It's because of the authors that I read (Terry Pratchett, Stephen King and Clive Barker, mostly), I think.

Well, let me try and do another edit - a large one, bearing in mind the lessons you just gave me...

Electric life courses through your body. Millions of switches are turned on as they are found to be perfectly functional, and hundreds more are bypassed and filed for examination in your next medical inspection. Circuits are activated, routes are re-established. You awaken.
  You step out of your regenerative booth. There is little space in your residence, but that has never affected you. The Domus is perfectly built - it houses the most Exos in the smallest space possible. The result are very small rooms with but the barest of necessities.
   Your inner timer informs you that you have 1 hour, 47 minutes and 24 seconds before you are due to report for work. You calculate that is time enough to invest in some mental exercise, so you place your hand on the console of your personal panel. A single line of light passes trough the console, reads the identification in your palm and fingers, informs you that you are, indeed, the Exo unit you believe yourself to be, and brings to life your personal screen. You choose to spend some time on a Chess match.
   Before long, your conscience is almost gone, entirely engrossed on the challenge.   

<the screen shakes a bit>

   Emergency circuits take over. Optical sensors take in every possible data. Your whole Exo becomes a very incredibly busy and incredibly still unit.
   Your system is confused. It has sensed a small and localized explosion, persistent heat and an equally localized sensation of immobility. It has perceived sounds of breaking glass and shattering metal. It is fully alert to the threat, and has established the correct procedures to follow. But it has found no threat at all.
   Still operating at great speed, you consult your memory banks. You remember nothing except for the last moves of your Chess match. You seemed to have, after great lengths, managed to corner the opposing King into submission, having pinned his most immediate defenders, and were about to use an infallible back-rank technique, when an opposing Bishop that had elluded your grasp managed to...
   ...odd. Your memory stops at this point.
    You recognize that the immediate emergency is past, and allow your conscience to fully. It is mildly surprised. Your hand is bunched into a fist, and is sticking out of a hole which is filled with wires and broken glass. A hole which recently served as your personal panel.
   You seem to have attacked your own panel.
   It worries you that you would have done so. It worries you that you should be worried, as worry indicates fault. It worries you that you should be at fault, and might have to report yourself. It worries you that reporting yourself is worrying, as it an irrational response towards the city's necessary rules. And most of all, it worries you that you are still worrying.
   At this point, you impose order on your thoughts and relaxation on your system. You block worry, which is not unknown to you, and the strange feeling you have no name for. A feeling which makes your Spinal Column tremble ever so slightly, and makes you aware of every small detail in your immediate surroundings.
   Others might have known what you are feeling. They would have nodded, and maybe comforted you, or at least understood. They would have explained to you what "fear" is. But here and now, *are* no others.
   You briskly stop that line of thought as well. It is not uncommon for you to wonder at length on various themes, but you have no time and no wish to do so now. You consult your timer again. You have ample time before you are due to report at your workstation.
   Before you go, however (and go you must, it's your duty as a citizen), you must find a way to remove your hand from the panel. It is vital for your work that this is so - one single hand is so inneficient.
   Also, questions might arise. And in a situation such as this, you could give no logical answers. And illogical answers are not only frowned upon. They are punished.
   You never knew what the actual punishment was, or why it was deemed necessary. You hope ("hope", what a strange sentiment...) not to find out. And that implies an efficient solution to this puzzle...

******

Is this better? It feels really weird to write like this. It's like I'm cutting off a part of me, somehow - weird but true. Also, it's like being forever in contention when I write. I kept wanting to write stuff, new stuff, but feeling like I shouldn't, I had already made the "big" version and should now cut it to essentials while retaining everything I wanted to transmit...
Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Kneel. Now.

Never throw chicken at a Leprechaun.

Sean

I'm particularly fond of the first passage. Mechanical,structured and emotionless. I got the impression that this relates to the characters mental state. I like that strong link, it could be quite a powerful way to convey the characters state of mind. Reflect his pattern of thought through the writing. Almost, as if the player is inside the Exo's head. This ties to the setting, the character is trapped within a robotic body (I think,:P) and the player is confined within the characters brain.

Anyway, it's a nice piece of writing and I really enjoyed it. Enough to warrant an apperance from me for the first time in several months.

I'm lying low, my game died. :P

Good Work, keep me informed and if ever you want to discuss anything contact me.Ã,  ;D

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