Criticisms and Suggestions Wanted for: Concept, Setting and Story

[Questionable]

Here's how I formatted this. There is a top half and a bottom half, the dividing line is the red outlined and bolded text. The top half is "Pitch Script" look at game I've begun to create. I am posting it here for story suggestions, Things that seem glaringly bad, etc... Reading the top half is going to vaguely walk you through the Plot, Events and Scenes in this game. Before you read the top half I would like to point out that the purpose of this game is to determine whether a series based in this universe would be compelling and feasible. It's not too ambitious but it's no cake-walk either.

The second half is going to be a more detailed walk through. As I have written and rewritten scenes I have already begun to think of cutscenes, dialog, puzzles and etc... that would fit. If you would like to tell me what you think of m ideas, let me know.

Secondary to having the material I am revealing be criticized, I am also interested in having the community help me to develop what they feel is an entertaining and compelling universe for these characters to inhabit. NOW, before you begin reading the plot I am going to try and explain the world at large, so far.

SETTING:
     In this world, the unusual is the usual. Mankind lives in harmony in a modern, if not advanced human society. Humankind, as far back as can be remembered, has evolved to tap into our latent genetic resources buried within our DNA; effectively granting the majority of the population with a menagerie of "powers" and abilities. These abilities range from as superb of endowments as being able to fly, down to reasonably mundane abilities such as having the telekinetic capacity to alter the hue and shade of the pigment yellow on/in any physical object.
     With no wars and no critical or terminal illnesses and ailments, low crime rates, and a booming united global economy; It would appear that Utopia exists here and now, but no gem is flawless.
     Enter; Our protagonist, Mike, is one of the few unlucky people to have inherited recessive genes from his parents, rendering him quite powerless, or so he believes.



GAME PREMISE/PLOT:

Mike is working at (a dead end job.) Mike is wholly disenchanted with his job and the current possible futures open for him to pursue. Frustrated, Mike begins slacking at his job; his superiors notice the productivity drop and decide to let Mike go.

Mikes two longtime friends and roommates have squandered their "earnings" and it just so happens that they were counting on his paycheck to cover the payment of a "LONG overdue utilities bill." Faced with the need to earn $83.62 before the check they(Mikes Roommates) already sent as payment resolves making their bank account negative (subsequently shutting off virtually EVERYTHING in the house;) the three friends go their separate ways to try and earn the money.

The clock starts ticking.

Mike enrolls in a medical study which is promising to pay $200 cash to any applicants that meet the requirements necessary to participate in the study. Hoping he'll pass the requirements to get into the study, Mike signs the waiver.

During the screening, Mike is given a series of acuity tests (cognizant, physical, stress, pain-tolerance, etc...) Finally, Mike is asked to wait in the lobby. Mike waits until he is called. He is given $200 cash and is told that, "The Company will be in contact with you."

Mike rushes to the bank, tries to figure out how to deposit the cash into his bank account and... the clock stops, the utilities are paid. Mike drives home and goes to bed.
*Window Shatters*
*Lava Lamp Shatters, blooming into a flower of blue, and acid green before the filament snaps*
*Darkness*
We hear shouts of "Ow! Hot!" Followed by a scuffle and ultimately a loud thump.
Then, Silence.

We fade in from black; Mike is strapped to a cold metal table, in a medical patients gown. Lucky for Mike he is able to slip free of his bindings. Trapped inside this foreign room, Mike must escape. Escape the room,  the facility, without being spotted by anybody he sees.

[Here is where some people get lost. Essentially Mike realizes that he is a pawn being used by YOU the player. He accepts and embraces this concept and ideally throughout the course of any further games, the player will be able to interact directly with Mike, making him(the avatar) another tool that the player can/will use to solve puzzles.]
In the process of escaping Mike discovers that, at times, he gets "compulsions." Usually these compulsions pan out for him in a positive way. In retrospect; Mike realizes that at every major conflict or crossroad in his life he has felt this "compelling force" guiding his actions. Throughout the game Mike has been surrounded by people doing "super human feats" while he himself does not seem to have any of these abilities. Mike decides that he DOES have a power, he can communicate with beings from another dimension! {a THIRD dimension?!} This enables him to break the forth wall and communicate directly with the player and ask for/give help to  the player explicitly.

Following his escape, Mike makes his way home, it's the only place he knows to go, and Part (1) is over.


{This game is to set up the world/universe, and demo the style of this game world. Also it is to develop a repeatable process to produce content for a possible series.}

I will post more specific details in an Edit, most of the details will hopefully make it into the final product so unless you are interested in giving suggestions or constructive criticisms, please do not read further so you don't spoil your experience with the finished product.


This is that "bottom half" I was talking about.I'm going to block out scenes in greater detail than above. I am doing this for several reasons, one of which is to involve my adventure gaming peers to help me develop something of quality, so feel free to leave thoughts/additions/dialog/puzzles/comments/revisions, etc...  If you do not wish to have the game spoiled in any way, do not read the following.


CUTSCENE 1
We see the outside, font of a small house in suburbia. Birds are chirping, it's sunny. *BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP* a home smoke detector is ringing.

The screen is black for a moment. Now we see a close up of Mike, his head on a pillow. His eyes flutter open. We cut to a full view of his bedroom, the alarm goes off. Groggy, Mike stands up.

Scene 1
Mike is standing in his bedroom. Visible is a bed against the right corner, a window above it on the wall to the right. Next to the right corner is the door to Mikes bedroom, a dresser with clothes hanging out of the partially open drawers is visible in the bottom right of the screen.

*the player may interact with objects in the room, this could be a good spot for a tutorial, perhaps this could be where he picks up an item that he won't use until near the end of the game*

Once Mike clicks on his bedroom door he is taken to a hallway. There is a door directly in front of him, it leads to "Flambé 's" room. To the right is another door, this leads to the bathroom. The player may explore both of these areas. To re-enter his own bedroom, there is a welcome mat the player may click on. The hall way continues to the left.

As the player walks to the left the screen pans. Mike is now walking by a connected kitchen. There is a fridge on the right side, nestled between some counters cluttered with garbage. There is a sink slightly off center to the right, at the back wall of the kitchen. There is a stove on the far left wall. Flambé is in the kitchen throwing bacon in the air, tossing fire at it, then watching it fall into an very large pile of cooked bacon on the counter*This would probably be a looped animation*. The ceiling looks scorched. Mike may interact with some objects here, as well as Flambé. he hallway continues to the left.

Mike is now in the living room. "Keggar" is on a couch, remote control in hand which he periodically clicks, facing the player. *By having him face the player that puts the television out of sight, saving me from having to animate a television, as well as offers a more engaging conversation with Keg* Mike can interact with some objects, including Keg. In the back right corner is a computer. The main part of the left half of the screen is Keg and the couch, though the front door is also visible on the far left wall.

After interacting with everything he can/wants to, the player will leave the house by interacting with the front door.

CUTSCENE 2
A small driving sequence as Mike heads to work.

*Ordinarily it would probably be best to NOT to a "traveling" cutscene, but with the length of the game in mind I think it might benefit from a small extension. It also speaks something to the dedication when a team puts a nice little touch like that, of good quality in a project*

Scene 2
*NOTE: This is the scene I need the most help at. This is the "Mike in the Workplace" scene. I sincerely want to establish how boring Mikes job is, or why he doesn't enjoy going to work everyday. However, if I make the workplace scene too non-entertaining, people will stop playing. At the same time, if I make it too engaging and interesting than they player probably won't understand Mikes boredom. I've considered dropping this scene, but it serves as a catalyst for the later events, plus it introduces Masinissa Perfututum, Mikes boss. A re-animated skeleton of a roman warlord whom will play a larger role in broader series. So the challenge is to illustrate a really lame work place, without being really lame.*

At some point during the workplace scene; Mikes boss, Masi, informs Mike that he is X down on his quota of (n.) This is the eighth time that Mike has been under quota and if he can't get two (n) by the end of his shift, he's fired.

*The puzzle/challenge that follows will be virtually if not impossible to win. It is necessary for Mike to lose his job*

Mike gets fired, or if the player does win, he quits.

Scene 3
Mike walks into the house through the front door. Keg is still on the couch, remote in hand. Flambé i also sitting on the couch, periodically stuffing a strip bacon into his mouth, front a large plate. The player may explore again, but there is nothing new, he will eventually talk to Flambé and Keg. Conversing with the two roommates, Mike reveals his lack of a job. The two roommates double take each other and proceed to have very coy and innocent dialog choices. It's obvious that something is amiss. With the proper prodding the pair breakdown into tears and confess; they've squandered their earnings and they've been hounded by the "Services Company" about a two month overdue bill.

*My composer suggested this dialog.
Mike: What could you possibly have spent that much money on!?
Keg: Haven't you noticed our new TV?
Flambé: Er- Bacon?*

The two were hoping to use Mikes paycheck to pay it off, Mike reveals that his bank account is empty. The utility bill includes Electricity, Water, Heat, Cable, Phone, Sanitary Services, some ludicrous and silly other services, and is apparently VERY important.

The three pool their remaining money together and come up $83.62 short. They have until 1 AM tomorrow to have that money in Mikes account. The three agree to split up and try to gather up some cash. Flambé and Keg, jump up and exit. *Now would be a great time to introduce a countdown timer* Mike, head in hands, plops on the couch to think for a moment. He turns on the TV and we hear: "Do you need money fast? Are you willing to submit your body to science?"

CUTSCENE 3
The screen becomes a simulated TV and a commercial airs encouraging anyone willing to help out in medical research to arrive promptly at 8PM to qualify for the study. Those that do qualify are given $200 cash due to the time dedication required.

Back to Mike on the couch "That's it!"

~Hard Cut~

We're in a very sterile and empty waiting room. A toady woman with red hair sits behind a small windowed counter tapping her nails. There is a plain gray door to her left on the wall. Mike enters, looks around quick then shrugs.

Scene 4
The player may explore th area, there is nothing or little to interact with besides the receptionist. Mike has a conversation with her and gets signed up for the screening, to see if he meets the requirements for the study. A woman in a nurse-like outfit enters through the gray door and issues a "follow me" to Mike. Mike follows he through the door.

Sub-Scenes 4
*the receptionist, in a bit of exposition, tells Mike that he will have to perform well in a series of tests in order to qualify and  thereby receive the money. After being led through the door the player must play through a series of mini games designed to evoke a specific aspect of ones keenness in various senses. (intelligence, physical, hand-to-eye coordination., stress, pain-tolerance, etc...)*

After passing all of the tests; we are back in the waiting room. The gray door opens, the nurse woman walks through, followed by Mike. She tells Mike to wait here until the results are conclusive.

CUTSCENE 4
Mike is sitting in a chair. Mike is sleeping in a chair. Mike is reading a magazine. Mike is laying in the chair, the magazine is on the floor. Mike is reading another magazine. Mike is doing push-ups. Mike is sitting in the chair, head on his chest with a small stack of magazines on the floor. *All the while, the possible countdown timer would be ticking.*

The receptionist says: "Sir... Sir... SIR."

Mike snaps up, looking at the receptionist, then stands up.

Scene 5
Mike may explore and interact with the waiting room, nothing has changed. After talking with the receptionist, he receives $200 Cash and is told that "The Company will be in contact with you very soon." Mike is free to explore again. Clicking on the main door allows him to leave.

Scene 6
Mike deposits the money

EDIT: To Be Continued, I'm getting carpal tunnel...

[InCreator]

Er... what?
...
This is probably one of the most confusing threads in Critics Lounge, ever. Or atleast, since 2003.


* Your sketches need some heavier detail. And some ... look. I mean, those faces are bland, expressionless. "WTF?" in only expression I read at all. Also, I don't think we could count 8- quick lines as a sketch of well... anything.

Suggestion: Draw a background, or whole character. Or even better, both. Until you haven't done so, the whole project is quite doubtable. Making a BG and character sprite would set first brick for actual art style and direction.

* I like the setting. Rarely-used take on typical future-aliens-humans kind of science fiction. I think it could work.

Suggestion: If making anything like this, be sure to remember basic human psychology and under what condition would humans be okay with something like this.

"Peaceful" is not a word to describe human being. Doing so, you've instantly made an utopia. So be careful.

No government would greet any aliens with open hands. No human being wouldn't really want to be a neighbor with aliens -- we have even trouble with people of other nation or race. You have to find a way to tell this story in believable form. The X-files accomplished it well, for example.

* I'd say that the plot outline sounds atleast as confusing and complex as your initial post here. But it also sounds interesting.

reanimated-skeleton-roman-warlord.
This would either mean total mess or really sharp and rich game atmosphere.

So I wonder how are you  actually going to pull this off.

Suggestion: in your story, don't play for Lost/Half-Life/Aliens/mystery/etc effect. If it's an adventure game, you have to put emphasis on two things: Goals and motivation. So whatever protagonist/player does, it should be motivated strongly, and lead towards a specific goal. And of course, all other characters too! I'm not saying your plot premise doesn't, just don't forget it. Otherwise, you have an interactive movie, but not much of a game.

Anyway, good luck to you.

[Questionable]

Could you tell me what exactly is confusing? I'd like to be able to re-order the post so that it is easier to understand.

"Setting" Sets up the universe the game exists in. "Game Plot/Premise" Set up some of the basic blocking and general event arc. "Working Titles" refers to possible titles. I introduce some post-it note/notbook sketches so that when you see a name, it's not just a name.

I'm not sure of how else I could arrange it.

Your sketches need some heavier detail. And some ... look. I mean, those faces are bland, expressionless. "WTF?" in only expression I read at all. Also, I don't think we could count 8- quick lines as a sketch of well... anything.

The entire concept was outlined in about 3-4 hours today, I am less concerned with character details at this point and more interested in solidifying the scene, events, and actions that will occur. I've developed several character personalities, these personalities will develop the dialogue. Before I sketch out detailed drawings of these characters, don't you think I should perhaps first determine their behavior and allow that to influence their look?

Fully draw character: Complete
Re-Drawn in Photoshop: Complete
Building Pixel Version in DPA: 30%

Draw a background, or whole character. Or even better, both. Until you haven't done so, the whole project is quite doubtable. Making a BG and character sprite would set first brick for actual art style and direction.

Before I start drawing backgrounds, I need to know what i'm drawing, right? That's what this is about. A breif outline of the venues, the events that happen in them, the characters involved and the actions that will be carried out. So just by writing out my intentions I've determined I need:
*PCs Home
*PCs Workplace
*Medical/Scientific Facility
*Waiting Room

I like the setting. Rarely-used take on typical future-aliens-humans kind of science fiction. I think it could work.

Suggestion: If making anything like this, be sure to remember basic human psychology and under what condition would humans be okay with something like this.

True, people fear the unknown. A dark corridor, a strange man, a race of aliens co-inhabiting our world? We can't even stand variations of fellow sapiens. How could we accept these sentient beings? Well if humans have been forced to cope with the people surrounding them having capabilities beyond that which we know humans are capable of for thousands of years, add to that a homgenization of major cultures, add to that (something that most likely will only exist in fiction) a united global economic system and the concept of "aliens" is less alien. This is not a mutation of our current society nor our current conditioning. This is a world created to make Mike an interesting character. In our society, Mike would be an average guy. When the entire populace is spectacular in some way, Mike is no longer a fish in the school, he's a red pin on a board covered in white pins. He is unique in this world due to the ABSENCE of his uniqueness to our eyes. Even when Mike discovers that he actually DOES havean ability like everybody else, his ability is SO outlandish even for his world, that it's dimissed as a figment of his longing to be assimilated into the masses.


Reanimated Skeleton Warlord: I developed a backstory for his existence, but at this point he is relatively un-important. Detail whre detail isn't needed is clutter.

So I wonder how are you  actually going to pull this off.

How am I going to pull this off? Slowly? Painfully... I discovered AGS when I was 15 maybe and was interested in the tool, but couldn't A.) Figure out how to use it and B.) Figure out what to do with it once I knew how to use it. I know how and I know now, so I must. Ideally, once I solidify the way I want the gameplay to feel with 8 color sprites, i'm going to edit the stand ins and start the process of creating the final in-game characters, that's when i'll be putting up characters for critique, i've seen a lot of people get really good advice on the artwork that steps it up several notches, so that will be exciting. So the current phase of things is to hammer our the grand scheme of things, then i'll add detail, then i'll chrome it up, then i'll add nuance and lastly polish.

Phase 1: Develop Story
Phase 2: Develop Plot/Blocking
Phase 3: Use Stand-In graphics reherse Phase 2
Phase 4: Backgrounds
Phase 5: Develop puzzles and script dialogue
Phase 6: Finalize Plot/Blocking
Phase 7: Finalize In-Game Sprites
Phase 8: Refine Gameplay/Finalize Puzzles
Phase 9: Cut Sequences
Phase 10: Play Test and Polish until satisfied.


Last words: This isn't an art critique thread, at least not yet. Making up the game as I go along isn't compelling, I want the game to exist on paper almost entirely, before I get too far into the execution process. I hope that during the course of creating it, I will be forced to compromise the original design, I'm amost certain I will be. If I don't have a solid blueprint, then even know what material I need to build my house.

Thanks for the luck! I'll need it! I appreciate you being honest too, it means a lot to me.

[miguel]

Hi Questionable,

I read your first post and what Increator wrote and I also believe it is a bit confusing, but I guess it was a first atempt to clarify things for yourself.
My opinion is, If you're going to put everything on paper first and then start on the making of the game, you should consider a shorter story. A 10 room game (without the intro screens/animations) takes LOTS of time.
Speaking of that I would not do *phase3 and later phase7, it's two times the work. And you don't want to see EGO moving around every time you test your game ( I don't  ).
Then, picking up on what InC. wrote, ask yourself this question:
  How am I going to put such a rich and detailed story into a game?

- Lots of dialogs? - be careful, it drives players away
- intro sequences? - you need more people to help you, it's too much work on your own

good luck and as you can see, people will always help you here.

[Questionable]

I read your first post and what Increator wrote and I also believe it is a bit confusing, but I guess it was a first atempt to clarify things for yourself.

I re formatted it. Better, worse, or same?

My opinion is, If you're going to put everything on paper first and then start on the making of the game, you should consider a shorter story.

I've built some smaller games already, I wouldn't have even DREAMED of conceptualizing a game like this if I didn't have smaller learning experience already. I am no pro, but i'm comfortable.

Essentially there are 8-10 gameplay scenes, four scenes use the same setting. 4-6 backgrounds. One scene is a series of minigames. 3-5 backgrounds. Although i'm not accounting for possibly smaller scale rooms in the "Escape from the facility" scene, that right there is about 20 hours minimum if I want decent quality on just backgrounds. and that's if I work flawlessly... which I usually don't.

A 10 room game (without the intro screens/animations) takes LOTS of time. - intro sequences? - you need more people to help you, it's too much work on your own

Ideally, once I develop enough content, I will be able to assemble/attract/persuede a small team of friends and hopefully forum contributors.

Speaking of that I would not do *phase3 and later phase7, it's two times the work.

The dimensions and overall shape of the phase 3s are accurate, the only different between  phase 3 and phase 7 are that the phase 3 stand ins are just blue blobs, basically just the silhoutte othe characters.

And you don't want to see EGO moving around every time you test your game ( I don't  ).

What does EGO mean? =D

Then, picking up on what InC. wrote, ask yourself this question:
  How am I going to put such a rich and detailed story into a game?

- Lots of dialogs? - be careful, it drives players away
- intro sequences? - you need more people to help you, it's too much work on your own

This being a set up to the actual series itself, where Mike is working against a villain I am cheating by using about 5-6 cut scenes. I just don't see any other form of exposition available, BESIDES dialogue, but if I wanted to write a novel I would write  novel. Currently we're experimenting with the cutscenes. If we can't figure out a relatively painless process to implement them, we'll scale that number down.

There are 3 intro scenes that will have to be coded and have special animations drawn for them. I see no way around those though as they add a level of polish that instantly seperates you in terms of quality.

good luck and as you can see, people will always help you here.

Thanks alot! It's nice to take a break from the discouragement of striving for quality, hours on end, and get some encouragement from you guys. It's refreshing.

[miguel]

I've seen your edited post and yes, it's clearly easier to understand.
You have put already a lot of work on it and I congratulate you for that.
See, the way you do things ( or plan to do them ) is the correct way, I guess. Setting every detail first and organize your project will clearly help you when the things get confusing.
I am not organized (although I put 2 hours of pure work every day on my project) and can't help to constantly test every little change I do.
I start my projects with just an idea and build from that, or shall I say: no planning whatsoever!
But, I believe you should draw the sprites and backgrounds as close as possible to the final cut because having to go back on something you lost the original excitement can be painful.

Well, I can see you know what you're doing. Post or PM if you need any help.

[auriond]

What does EGO mean? =D

EGO is the default name given to your main playable character. In the default game, that would be the little Roger sprite.

[Emerald]

Story seems a little bland, in my opinion. The 'superpowers' thing is far from new, as is the 'flawed utopia' idea. Having a game world based solely around those stale concepts seems like a flimsy choice. It would have to have a very compelling story and characters to compensate.
Complex characters with flaws and genuine personality. And a plot which flows naturally, and isn't just a regurgitation of movie cliches.

[Questionable]

Story seems a little bland, in my opinion. The 'superpowers' thing is far from new, as is the 'flawed utopia' idea. Having a game world based solely around those stale concepts seems like a flimsy choice.

As opposed to the basic world of 70% of adventure games which is "the real world." Only joking, I recognized this early on, an anti-utopian society has been used and abused by every expressive medium. It has been used for a reason, however, it's compelling. If proposed to exist in a genuine way, if people can see how it came to be than they accept it as the reality of the world instead of as a cliched setting. I am of course not going to create a believable world and don't care if people find it cliched, instead the game is going to bathe in cliches because cliches are cliches for a reason, the difference is that the character arcs and the gameplay will be unique and compelling, if it's not then I will rework it until it is. This is less of a high concept gaming, i'm not trying to convey any message with my use of this society, or people that have powers, etc... instead it's being used so that I have total freedom to do whatever I want.
A.) In a society of humans with super-human abilities and contact with aliens, ANYTHING can exist. I can insert just about whatever my mind desires and it will work with little explaination becuase this is such a whimsical world.
B.) With an anti-utopian society set up I will never flounder for conflict. In this first game the conflict is mainly the characters trying to get money or else they'll be put into massive debt, the main character is abducted which will setup later stories but isn't the main story line itself.


Basically, using those cliches are an easy way out. Whatever I need can be there, something that a traditional "follows the laws of science and reality" world cannot do. It's cheap, yes. But hopefully you'll be more interested in the characters an entertained by the game than worry about the cliches unless they're pointed out to you by the game!

[Emerald]

Well, you asked about criticism for the concept, setting and story.
The concept and setting (whimsical world where whatever's wanted by the writer can happen) seems thin. The story you posted (a bunch of slackers need some cash) isn't particularly compelling.

Sure, it could always be interesting in spite of those things, but why start off with a handicap, when you could easily come up with something to spice it up?

[Questionable]

I sat down with someone on the baby making team and we deicded that for where we want the story to go a more cartoon/whimsy style isn't going to fit. So we redesigned the entire look of the world and it's inhabitants... but then it became to difficult to convincly pull of "super-powers" with the imagery. So we're taking it in entirely dfferent direction and we might revisit the original story later. We really like the concept of having a character that can break the fourth wall and be more than just an avatar for the player, so we're going to incorporate that... now to solidify the new story. As soon as we get that down we'll work out how we want the characters to behave and I'll post an image to critique.

[Emerald]

Cool.