Forthnightly Writing Contest: Catch Phrase! We Have A Winner

Started by , Wed 09/11/2011 00:35:51

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Ghost

"I didn't do it!"    "I'm selling these fine leather jackets!"    "I am a mighty pirate!"    
"Phobos reLEADed!"    "fights!"    "You're all my children..."
"Beam me up, Scotty!"    "...and that would be WRONG!"    "Pikachu, go for the horn!!"
"For pony!"    "Blue wizard needs food badly!"    "Hail to the king, baby!"

Catchphrases. One-liners. Signature calls. Some say they are lame. Some say they are a great way to add personality to a character. Some just hate to write long sentences.
Some hope to create the next cool meme. Often they are all we remember about a movie, book or game, even if the character in question never actually SAID THE PHRASE.

So here's the theme: Write a story and pump those one-liners in. Really, I mean it. Go nuts!
Let the hero constantly spout them. Pick just one and make it the main theme. Go meta and reflect on the implications of the urgent need to call your attacks. Heck, just make them the dying words of a luckless hero. Whatever floats your boat. You got time enough (we'll close this November the 23rd), and the coolest catchphrase gets the coolest tropy. I might even animate it!

               


The forum downtime cost us all three days, and even though there's just one entry yet, I'd like to extend the deadline to Saturday 26th- I heard at least one of you's working on a little entry!
So, Saturday it is!

kconan

  "So how about, "She's Bangtastic!" and then I look at the camera as it zooms on me with a big cheesy grin and give a thumbs up?" asked Donny "The Hammer" McGee.  Leo Scheisterini, Donny's agent, replied, "No, I think Michael J. Cox used that one before...As you well know Vixengag Productions expects you to have several ORIGINAL catchphrases in the chamber ready for you to shoot at any give time - no pun intended - depending on the scene and actors involved.  You are big time Donny, but your career has sorely lacked trademark catchy phrases."  There was a lengthy pause, and then Leo abruptly ended the phone conversation with, "You are a creative sort; test some lines with friends and/or other actors and figure it out.  Goodbye." Donny set the telephone down, and then paced around his spacious apartment contemplating the next big catchphrase in the world of softcore entertainment.

  Later in the day, Donny made his way to the gym several blocks over from his flat.  As per routine he swaggered in and headed to the locker room for twenty minutes of eyebrow trimming, though during the course of this session he randomly blurted out potential catchphrases.  Donny tested "I'll bring this HAMMER down!" into the mirror while plucking rogue hairs from his left eyebrow, and then tried "Oh yeah, Donny's love dumpster!" in the midst of slicking down his right eyebrow.  Just before making his way to the unibrow, Donny belted out, "Yea! Who's your Donny?!".  A locker room attendant asked him to quiet down when Donny's professional archnemesis sauntered into the room.  "Well Donny, the only thing worse than those kooky eyebrows is hearing you try new cheesy B-movie slogans", said Rod Ramrod amidst cackles.  Donny turned red-faced, pointed a pair of tweezers at Rod, and said, "Hey at least I'm still up in the big leagues on Max, word on the street is that you got bumped down to Cinemax 6, and even there you are a late show."  Rod shook his head and calmly replied, "Chill out...Look I'll make you a deal:  Put in a good word for me with the big-wigs and tell them that incident on the set of "Das Booty" was a one time thing, and in-turn I'll help you come up with some trademark lines."  Donny put down the tweezers and replied, "Whatcha got for Donny Hot-Rod?"  Donny and Rod fired barrages of catchy lines back-and-forth, though neither was happy with the other's ideas.  It was right after Donny yelled, "Its HAMMER time!" that Rod snapped.  He corrected, "You can't steal other people's stuff, a trademark line has to be your own!  You know what I say every time I play a pizza delivery guy?"  Donny said with an eye-roll, "Good thing you didn't hold the sausage."  Rod nodded and said, "Yes!  And my fans associate that line with me!"  Donny and Rod continued shouting lines at each other until the manager of the gym stormed over to them and said, "I don't care if you idiots are exchanging mindless catchphrases or reciting Shakespeare, but keep it down...You know what I tell everyone around here?  More de-flabbing and less gabbing!"

  The next morning Donny woke up, made his coffee, and went into his "mirror room"; a room with mirrors for the floor, ceiling, and walls that Donny had specifically designed for evaluating his physique and overall appearance at various angles.  Donny used his hand to mime a handgun shooting and shouted "Boom!  Big Don up in your bidness!" at all the reflections of himself.  He then leaned up against one of the mirror-walls in a seductive manner and attempted, "C'mon, Don the Don."  Donny paced for a bit as he noted that his lats were lagging slightly behind other muscles.  He struck a "Thinker" pose complete with a hand under the chin and tried, "Now THAT, is genius baby" while imagining a camera zooming in on his face.  Donny moped out of his special room tired, annoyed, and out of ideas.

  Donny "The Hammer" McGee stretched out on his neon purple velour recliner and contemplated.  If he doesn't come up with a "moneyphrase" (as the television executives call it) then he could risk getting bumped down to a lower Cinemax or, God forbid, hotel pay-per-view.  Donny was drifting off to sleep just as he heard his cell phone ringtone blaring "Open Sesame" by Kool and the Gang.  Donny groggily answered, "Whatcha got for Donny?"  Donny's cousin Lance responded, "Hey are you still trying to come up with a new gimmick phrase?"  Donny replied, "Hey Lance, yea why?"  Lance advised, "You know what I say after I've been with a woman?"  Donny guessed, "You've been Lanced?" to which Lance answered, "Yep.  Look you gotta change your name into a euphanamism, or whatever that fancy word is, for sex."  Donny said, "Thanks alot man!  Now let me get back to mulling this over."  Lance gave his usual parting comment of "Cool, take it sleazy!" and hung up.  Donny thought for a bit, and then dozed off while muttering "You are ON the DON."

  Donny dreamed of famous catch phrases from various movies ranging from "Gone With the Wind" to "The Terminator", and less famous and cheesier ones from his niche in show business.  The most famous from amongst his contemporaries/peers would be Rolf Bushburn, who is known for having abnormally large sideburns.  Whenever his on-screen love interest runs her hand across Rolf's face, he always exclaims, "Sweetie, them burns is for holdin'!" and she latches onto them like handles.  Rolf had appeared in a brief cameo in one of Donny's first movies, and was shoehorned into the plot by the studio simply because of his popularity - which was partly due to his having catchphrase gold in terms of delivery and content.

  After waking up from his mid-day nap, Donny walked over to his "snapshot shelf" and started cleaning his collection of framed photographs of himself with various adult film starlets as well as those of just him - of which there are many.  He wondered if putting himself in the kinds of situations that his characters often find themselves in would be a productive way to start the mental gears working, but he couldn't imagine impersonating a plumber or a milkman.  Donny had just finished wiping down an especially prized photo of himself with a scantily clad Shannon Tweed when the doorbell rang.  He looked out the peephole and saw a SpeedyMail delivery girl, and thought it was perfect timing.

  Donny opened the door greeting with his usual, "Whatcha got for Donny baby!"  The delivery girl sighed and with an even tone said, "Package for Mr. McGee, please put your John Hancock here" and then motioned for Donny to sign.  He looked her up and down, debated a play on words with "Hancock", and confidently said, "How would you like to Don the Don?"  The delivery girl only rolled her eyes in response.  Donny said, "How about you bring this HAMMER down?"  The girl at Donny's front door said in an exasperated tone, "Man, I am not in the mood for this.  I'm still groggy from getting my drink on last night.  I mean I was so H-" Donny interrupted by snapping his fingers and proclaiming, "I've got it!"
 

  A week later on the set of "Carpentry Babes 7: Woodshop" Donny bragged that his new slogan is destined to be mindlessly repeated by Cinemax audiences everywhere, to which the director half-kiddingly replied, "Whatcha got for me Donny?"  Donny assured him not to worry and they continued filming.  In the climactic scene Donny's character teaches an attractive young woodshop student, who according to the plot recently quit modeling to pursue her newfound love of carpentry, how to properly drive nails into wood.  The shop teacher (Donny's character) and the student nailed legs onto a small table, and then proceeded to make love on top of it after several of the requisite bad double entendres about "wood" and "tools".  Shortly afterwards, Donny swung his hand down in a striking motion and exclaimed, "Baby, consider yourself HAMMERed!"

Ghost

Thanks kconan- lovely and catchphrase-laden! I sure hope there'll be more in the midnight hour (more, more mooar!)

Ponch

Quote from: Ghost on Wed 09/11/2011 00:35:51
The forum downtime cost us all three days, and even though there's just one entry yet, I'd like to extend the deadline to Saturday 26th- I heard at least one of you's working on a little entry!
So, Saturday it is!

Great news! I'm over the moon. While the forums were as dead as a doornail, I thought had a snowball's chance in hell of getting in while the getting was good. That's how the cookie crumbles sometimes, and I was sadder but wiser (no use crying over spilled milk, you know). But now I see that everything is as right as rain (knock on wood) and I'm in it to win it! I'm chomping at the bit to say more, but I got a hunch about this contest. So I'd better play my cards close to the vest for now.  :D

Ghost

WAS that your entry, or just a very elaborate announcement? You're doing that on purpose, right?
Stop confuddlin' me and start writing!

Ponch

It's not my story! My story will have the whole nine yards! It'll be like a well oiled machine of cliches! This was just me letting you know where we stand, FYI. It was nothing. Just something I wrote in the heat of the moment. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta bite the bullet and get cracking! I got a long way to go and just a short time to get there, so I need to put my nose to the grindstone!

EDIT : Behold! My entry! There's a creaky old catchphrase hidden in every dialog exchange.






"Let's Be Careful Out There"
- by Ponch

It was the usual sort of day. My mother had dropped by the office to help herself to my liquor cabinet and tell the same old stories she always told.

"And this one time at band camp," she began, as she struggled with a new bottle of Wild Turkey.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," I sighed. I had heard this story more times than I cared to count and it never ended well. "Just make me a drink, okay? A martini. Shaken, not stirred."

"It works for me," said my mom, already losing interest in me now that she had managed to open the bottle. She didn't even notice when I left to the room to answer the phone.

"Johnny Mark, notary public and freelance bomb disarm-er. Good evening and what can I tell ya?" My usual line. Nothing fancy.

"Oh hi, Mark. How's your sex life?"

I knew that voice. It was Elizabeth Yang. Once an old flame of mine back when times were leaner. She was now the city coroner. She made the big time.

"Nothin' to write home about. What's up, doc?"

"I need your help, Mr. Mark. We're in a tight spot."

In the other room there was a heavy thump as mom fell to the floor. Wild Turkey is a young person's drink.

"Why so serious, Beth?"

"This isn't a good time to joke around, Johnny. You wanna know what I'm seeing here? I see dead people." Her voice had a serious edge to it. "I have a job for you, over at the Glorious Sands hotel. Grab your stuff and come on down!"

"Not so fast, Doc. Two hundred dollars a day. Plus expenses. Deal or no deal?"

On the other end of the phone, across the city, she sighed deeply. "Okay. Fine. Come on down. Room 214."

"Cool. Here I come to save the day."

I grabbed the kit from my desk drawer and stepped over mom, sprawled out on the floor by the liquor cabinet.

"I've fallen... and I can't get up!" she muttered, too drunk to focus her eyes properly. She had mistaken the lamp for me.

"I'll be back."

"Be seeing you," she said to an empty room. I was already in the elevator.

Fifteen minutes later, I stopped the car in front of the Glorious Sands Hotel. The doorman did his best not to notice the dent I'd put in the coroner's station wagon while doing my best to parallel park. Never been any good at that.

"Did I do that?" I chuckled as I passed him.

"I see nothing! Nothing!" he said as I walked into the lobby.

Upstairs, as I stepped out of the elevator, I could hear voices coming from down the hall.

"How the hell should I know when he's going to get here? Damn it, Jim. I'm a doctor. Not a psychic!" Beth's voice.

"Don't you have a woman's intuition? Ancient Chinese secret? Hell, can't you look out the window and see if he's pulled up yet?" That was Jim Willis. My former partner, back before we left the bomb disposal union, local 184 under suspicious circumstances. Jim was a cop now, or so I had heard.

I rounded the corner and Beth's eyes lit up at the sight of me. I smiled my best crooked smile and announced my presence with my best "Here's Johnny!"

"Johnny! Are you a sight for sore eyes!"

"Hey, doc. Who loves ya, baby?"

We hugged like it was old times again.

"Show me the money!" I whispered into her ear.

"See? This is why we broke up. You love money more than you love people," she sighed, pressing the wad of bills into my hand. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Jim Willis appeared in the open doorway of the apartment. He looked older than I expected him to. He smiled warmly, but his eyes were tired.

"Well, isn't that special? You two need to get a room?"

"Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" A voice from inside the apartment. One I didn't recognize.

"That's Tim, my new partner. Come on, let's go inside. Let me show you something."

Beth pointedly remained out in the hallway. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not going in there. I already know what you're going to find. And knowing is half the battle, Johnny."

Tim was waiting for us in the kitchen. He was a young kid, enthusiastic, glad to have a badge. He stood over a dead body. Some poor sucker that had collapsed in front of his sink.

"He's dead, Jim."

"Allll righty then, Tim. Thanks for that." Willis turned to me. "Third time today he's said that. It's like he has no short term memory."

"I meant to do that," said Tim. "Besides, it's funny."

"I don't think so, Tim." I said, surveying the room. "This looks like a standard 'natural causes' scene. Why'd you call me here, Jim? Not much work for a guy like me here."

"It's a trap!" said Jim.

"Somebody set us up the bomb!" said Tim, indicating the cabinet under the sink. He eased the doors open, revealing a bomb.

"Holy macanoli!" It slipped out before I could stop myself. The guy who lived here must have found the bomb when he was washing dishes and died of a heart attack on the spot.

"It's dy-no-mite!" said Tim. And it was. At least a dozen sticks, wired to a fail-safe detonator. A real professional job.

"Elizabeth!" I shouted to the woman waiting out in the hall. "I'm coming to join you, baby!"

"But what about the bomb? The detonator? Come on, man! Cut! It! Out!" Jim wasn't expecting my reaction.

"Look, Jim. I may be crazy, but I ain't dumb. I don't have what I need to defuse a bomb!" It was the truth.

Jim was deadly serious. "Is that your final answer? Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Jim, I'm sorry. But I didn't bring my bomb tools. You didn't tell me I needed 'em, you big dummy! All I brought was my notary public stamp."

"Aw hell no," said Tim softly, to no one at all.

Jim sighed deeply.

"I'm gettin' too old for this shit," he said.

Ghost

Close shave, Ponch! Very well, we got two entries. That's one less entry than I had hoped for- now one of me neat trophies's going to WASTE!
Anyway, let the voting begin...


kconan



Ghost

It's a TIE, amazing! In that case I shall cast the final ballot for... dun dun dun... kconan.*

kconan goes Gold!
       

Ponch samples Silver!


The stage is all yours, kconan. Entertain us!

__________
* Cuz I really liked the premise.

kconan

  Cool, that was fun Ghost.  8) 

  I'll flesh out my idea for the next competition a bit more, and put it up in a day or two.  Right now I'm thinking stories that somehow involve Mad Scientist(s).


Ghost

I like how your "thinking man" is leaning towards that typewriter, Ponch!

Ponch

Quote from: Ghost on Sun 27/11/2011 17:15:08
I like how your "thinking man" is leaning towards that typewriter, Ponch!

Thanks! Tabata is the one who built that banner, so the credit goes to her.  :)

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