Ask Onker

[OG]

Everyone talks of doing charity these days... I would like to offer my own little bit of help on the forum in the form of an (anonymous if you so choose) advice column.

I holds no bars, I hold no punches, folks. You have a question? I will give you an honest answer - without the pussy footing bullshit.

I carried out a real survey on real people with satisfactory results, to test this out:


Hi Onker,

I am worried about my friend. He is an apple fan just like me, LMAO, but you see, I use an iPhone 4S where as my friend uses an iPhone 4.. How can we still be friends if he doesn't upgrade? I would sure hate to lose him as a friend, but he is so behind the times! What can I do to make him realize this???

Thanks
R.K xxx



Hi R.K,

First of all, who actually gives an actual fuck? Aside from the fact that you are seriously full the worst kind of bullshit. Let me put this into perspective for you:
No-one cares! Apple is the annoying little douche that everyone seems to like and cream over but intelligible folk, hate - everyone knows or has known one of these little bullies, right? They think they can go around suing everyone for shit they didn't even originally conceptualize and charge crazy money for their products. What's worse is that in order to make these overly expensive pieces of crap they wrangle up hundreds of thousands of Asian workers to do their slave labour in return for peanuts. It's despicable what they are doing and the sooner people wake up to their "tyranny" the better. To answer your question, I wouldn't really give a shit tbh, considering it's just a fucking phone! I still have a Nokia and it gets me from a to b!




Hi Onker,

My brother has been engaged to his fiancée for around two years and they are really in love! Problem is my brother doesn't know that I had sex with
his fiancée... I feel really guilty about it but I love her, what can I do! Should I tell him???

Thanks
Davey frm Telford



Hi Davey,

Jesus man.. Are you serious? You fucked up. First of all you don't do that sort of shit to your own flesh and blood! What is wrong with you? My suggestion is that you tell him and deal with the consequences. If you cannot handle it, tough! You dug the grave mate. Plus, how do you know for sure she won't do the same to you? Do you think you are special? She felt your touch and "oh my god!" she is smitten? Alot of folks will say the old cliche an old leopard can't change it spots". but maybe you are the exception, right? If you are concerned that I somehow offended you, you're a fucking idiot. Tell your brother. It beats living in a world of guilt.




Hi Onker,

I really have a problem with smoking and drinking, I cannot seem to stop! I tell myself that it's best for my health if I do but nothing seems to work!
Can you help me?
H8ter n00b



Hi H8ter n00b,

Interesting name btw, I would sue your parents. But on a serious note - I admittedly smoke and drink a hell of a lot too. It is not good, agreed. If you really want to give up something you have to "want" it. If you don't "want" it, it will never happen trust me. Why are you wasting your fucking time writing to me when you could be quitting, for example? The whole thing makes no sense. We do what makes us feel good. It's the human condition. It we didn't act this way we would just be weird! You have to really size it up. Would you rather live 30 or so years or enjoy a smoke and a drink and live 20 or so years? It's all down to personal choice. I tried to quit many many times to no avail. If you are serious, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Smoking-Permanently-Penguin-Health-Fitness/dp/0140244751


I await eagerly for your questions. But, do not expect a quick answer - I am most likely to answer at the weekend.

Cheers
Onker

[Armageddon]

Hi Onker,

What makes a Paul Thomas Anderson film so great? And how do you channel your inner Kubrick?
Arma

[Ponch]

Hi Onker.

I just turned 40 today and don't know how to feel about it. I feel fantastic, but I'm not sure I'm allowed to enjoy life this much (or at all) any more.

What advice can you give me?

Thanks.

[OG]

Hi Arma,

That is a good question. Let me just say I absolutely loved magnolia. Who fucking wouldn't? Let's be honest, a selection of characters who have theirs lives intertwined in such a symbolic way, whilst holding their own individual and interesting yet fucked up interesting stories in a mighty chasm, whilst still managing to keep the viewer interested... That takes a certain amount of writers talent. But come on, the guy is a douche bag. He tries to act like he is some kinda enigma. Want to know who was an actual enigma? David Lynch. That guy knows his shit. I hate all the bullshit that modern Hollywood insists on melting our eyes with but, David Lynch, he's a respected motherfucker. Everyone knows that son-of-a-bitch-for one reason or another. Paul Thomas Anderson will be remembered - that is sure. But to the extent of Lynch? I don't think so... I am being picky though, we need more like him.
It's a case of cult meets cult. And Lynch is the bad backstreet boy shoe cobblin'tailor. You just do not mess. To channel your inner Kubrick, you just have to be real. Any bullshit is unacceptable.

[OG]

Hi Ponch,

So you just turned forty and you are asking me for advice? What the fuck is wrong with you? Surely a life well spent then...
I would suggest getting out there man. If what you say is true, it sounds like a woman is bringing you down. You don't sound too happy about it so I would just say away to fuck, bitch. End of.

Ofcourse - then you have nothing to complain about, that's how it is (however sad it may be, you get used to it). Unless you love her, then it's just tough shit! That's what we all have to put up with - just ask mine!

[miguel]

Hi Onker,

Just want to tell you that you're doing a great job treating Ponch's paranoia with cows and females.

[Ponch]

Just as I suspected! I'm now officially too old to enjoy myself. From now on, it's a high fiber breakfast, a sensible lunch, then a nice warm glass of milk before my afternoon nap (I get so tired after shouting at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn). Before bedtime, I'll watch a little Matlock and have a nice long soak in some epsom salts. And then it's bedtime at sundown!

Thanks, Onker. 

[SharpLight]

Hi Arma,

That is a good question. Let me just say I absolutely loved magnolia. Who fucking wouldn't? Let's be honest, a selection of characters who have theirs lives intertwined in such a symbolic way, whilst holding their own individual and interesting yet fucked up interesting stories in a mighty chasm, whilst still managing to keep the viewer interested... That takes a certain amount of writers talent. But come on, the guy is a douche bag. He tries to act like he is some kinda enigma. Want to know who was an actual enigma? David Lynch. That guy knows his shit. I hate all the bullshit that modern Hollywood insists on melting our eyes with but, David Lynch, he's a respected motherfucker. Everyone knows that son-of-a-bitch-for one reason or another. Paul Thomas Anderson will be remembered - that is sure. But to the extent of Lynch? I don't think so... I am being picky though, we need more like him.
It's a case of cult meets cult. And Lynch is the bad backstreet boy shoe cobblin'tailor. You just do not mess. To channel your inner Kubrick, you just have to be real. Any bullshit is unacceptable.

Paul Thomas Anderson a douche bag.
David Lynch knows his shit.
önker is the real deal.

[Armageddon]

Hi Arma,

That is a good question. Let me just say I absolutely loved magnolia. Who fucking wouldn't? Let's be honest, a selection of characters who have theirs lives intertwined in such a symbolic way, whilst holding their own individual and interesting yet fucked up interesting stories in a mighty chasm, whilst still managing to keep the viewer interested... That takes a certain amount of writers talent. But come on, the guy is a douche bag. He tries to act like he is some kinda enigma. Want to know who was an actual enigma? David Lynch. That guy knows his shit. I hate all the bullshit that modern Hollywood insists on melting our eyes with but, David Lynch, he's a respected motherfucker. Everyone knows that son-of-a-bitch-for one reason or another. Paul Thomas Anderson will be remembered - that is sure. But to the extent of Lynch? I don't think so... I am being picky though, we need more like him.
It's a case of cult meets cult. And Lynch is the bad backstreet boy shoe cobblin'tailor. You just do not mess. To channel your inner Kubrick, you just have to be real. Any bullshit is unacceptable.

Paul Thomas Anderson a douche bag.
David Lynch knows his shit.
önker is the real deal.

Would you kindly be quiet.

[OG]

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my followers for their very kind words. I'd also like to take this time to tell the people that choose to argue in a thread based on bullshit, to get a grip and look at the bigger picture. I love you guys, tbh, so don't do that. If you want to let off some steam and find a resolution I will be here (on weekends...  wonder why, right?).  At the end of the day, Aqälä, dislikes Paul Thomas Anderson and Armageddon, loves PTA's work. I'd say we put it down to a who gives a fuck? Seeing as you are both right.


In other news,  got an anonymous letter, quite troubling, though I would share it with you (to bring perspective to your own lives,)


Dear Onker

I hate curry but my fiancé loves it. So from time to time, I make it and smother it in cheese for myself as cheese makes it more palatable. I really hate curry in general and coriander in particular. I actually think that hell is a coriander field. Anyway, today, I made curry that had no curry in it: meat marinaded in onions, garlic, chilli and soy sauce, tomato purée, coconut cream and creamed coconut. I also added some pepper and thilly. I love all the ingredients but together they taste like a curry (ie disgusting). Is it ok to give it to my fiancé (he loves it) and have a cheesy toast myself?

yours
cilantro hater.


Hi Cilantroi,

Congratulations and, I also do not know what the fuck cilantro is. Sounds like something I would want to get down on or avoid like the fuckin plague... Nevermind... In any case if you hate curries and are actually making curries for that son-of-a-bitch then you must really love him. Hell, I know if my partner asked me to eat bullshit I would stare at her blankly and say get to fuck, bitch. As for coriander - have you been to see a psychologist? If not, I am not surprised. Seeing as you are asking me this shit. Curry, on the other hand, is something that strikes me as being simply veg chopped up with a bunch of chillies and shit that turns out quite creamy. Sounds to me like you done the job. It's all down to personal choice, a curry could be a shmurry and get the same results - it doesn't matter what you shove in that thing. As for the cheese? People who hate cheese are either stupid or lactose intolerant. I really sympathise with you. Just tell your asshole partner that that cheese is the main ingredient - I bet he won't even be arsed to question or check and eat it anyway.

[SharpLight]

Would you kindly be quiet.

You want me to be quiet in the Rumpus room?