Author Topic: Fortnightly Writing Competition: FAIRY TALE REVAMPED (Results)  (Read 3346 times)


  • Mittens Serf
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Fairy Tale
- revamped -

Fairy Tales usually offer reinders of beautiful children's memories, even though the stories often weren't originally intended for children - something that becomes apparent when you read them. Nevertheless, I recently stumbled upon some really bad rewrites and retellings of Fairy Tales that tried to be more adult and ended up with plot holes, stupid characters, and losing everything that makes a Fairy Tale a Fairy Tale and beloved to many people.

Now, I know that you can do better.

Your quest, should you wish to embark on this adventure, is to rewrite an existing Fairy Tale. You can set it in the modern world, with all the consequences this brings with it, you can change the ending, you can straight up retell it and focus on good writing, for example using very modern language. Basically, you can do with these old stories whatever you wish, as long as the original tale is still recognizable. Someone who knows the tale should be able to say what it was based on without you telling us. Should you wish to use a lesser known Fairy Tale, then please include a link to it, or at least a summary.
Deadline: 14. February 2018
« Last Edit: 26 Feb 2018, 07:09 by Sinitrena »


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Hmm... I may or may not enter.  But if I did... maybe it could be the Japanese legend of Momotaro (I bet Stupot, or other AGSers in Japan, would like that idea).


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Hmm... I may or may not enter.  But if I did... maybe it could be the Japanese legend of Momotaro (I bet Stupot, or other AGSers in Japan, would like that idea).

I heard that story is already "retold":

I was told that in the original story the old man and woman eat the magical peach together and its powers renew their interest in sex, which they perform, and the old lady becomes pregnant and gives birth to a child they name Momotaro in honour of how he was conceived.

While this plot was considered fine for kids a century or two ago (when even little kids knew exactly where babies come from and why), due to modern sensibilities, the story has been changed to the one we have now in which the baby emerges magically from inside the peach itself.

This is what I heard anyway and sounds too logical to have just been made up.

(Not that any of this should stop you from retelling it again. I just thought it was interesting.)


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Well, my version of Momotaro will be a scifi/futuristic version!

That's right--a magical fairy tale with a scifi/future twist!


  • Mittens Serf
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Hmm... I may or may not enter.  But if I did... maybe it could be the Japanese legend of Momotaro (I bet Stupot, or other AGSers in Japan, would like that idea).

Hm, sound interesting. I'm not overly familiar with Japanese fairy tales (That means I don't know any, at all, to be honest.) and I'd love to learn something new. (nod)


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My entry is ready.

To learn about the original legend (or a sort of summary of it), here's the link:


Momotaro of the Future

One night, in a coastal town in Japan...

A strange meteor landed in a field.

The elderly farmer and his wife soon approached the meteorite.  They were quite taken aback when they saw the meteorite looked like a crystalline peach!

Their surprise grew when they saw the meteorite open to reveal a small baby boy.  The meteorite then melted without heat, and melded around him to create some clothing for him.

The couple went down and picked up the child.  The wife also found a strange object, which looked like the handle of something.  They kept it close, just in case.

A nametag was near the child, which read "Momotaro".  This would be the name given to him henceforth.

The child grew up as the son of the elderly farmer and his wife.  But the couple remained fearful, as the town they lived outside of had been constantly harassed by an alien warlord and his forces, who lived on an artificial island fortress that was codenamed "Oni Island."

Momotaro soon grew up, and on his eighteenth birthday--which was celebrated on the day his peach meteorite was found--they showed him the strange object that was with him.  Momotaro took the object.  All were surprised when a blade of magical light formed from it!  It was a magical light sword!

"I now know my destiny!" said Momotaro.

The young man went to the kitchen and made some rice balls and other rations.  He went upstairs to his room and got some other supplies.

"What are you doing, son?" asked the farmer.

"I know my destiny, father," replied Momotaro.  "I am going to save our land from that vile warlord on Oni Island!  That is why I have my magical light sword!"

"Oh, son!" said the farmer's wife, fearing for Momotaro, "If you truly go..."

Momotaro gently touched her shoulder, saying "It will be all right, mother."

Momotaro waved farewell as he went on his long journey.

To get to Oni Island, Momotaro needed to first get to the coast.  The trail leading to the coast was through a thick forest.

And a third of the way into the forest, he first met an anthropomorphic male Shiba Inu who was in meditation.  The dog man had black hair made in the short ponytail style similar to a ronin, and he was shirtless, but he had pants and geta sandals on, and he had a naginata with him.

"Hello there, friend," said Momotaro.

The dog man looked up, curious to see who was addressing him.

"Hello to you, sir," said the dog man.  "I am Inu-Ronin.  I am a protector of those who travel this forest with good intentions.  And I sense a most noble intention within you."

"I am Momotaro," he replied, "and I am on my way to Oni Island, to save the people of this land."  Momotaro then reached into his bag and shared a rice ball with Inu-Ronin.

"Thank you, good Momotaro," he said as he savored the gift.  After finishing the food, he stood up, equipped his naginata, and said, "I shall gladly join you in this noble quest."

"I appreciate all help I can attain," Momotaro replied.  The two then continued on their way.

Further into the forest, Momotaro and Inu-Ronin soon found three evil creatures tormenting an anthropomorphic monkey.  The three enemies looked almost humanoid, were it not for the unearthly skin tones of blue-gray, and suits that indicate space traveler suits. The monkey man had a cybernetic eye as well a robotic right arm, tail, and left leg, but the rest of them are natural.  And the monkey wore a gray sleeveless undershirt and green shorts.  One would expect the robotic arm and leg to break free of some binds, but these were specially enhanced manacles that restrained the primate as the three enemies prodded him and mocked him.

Momotaro recognized the three immediately as followers of the alien warlord of Oni Island.  Enraged that they would gang up on someone in a cowardly fashion, he got out his plasma sword.  Inu-Ronin also got out his naginata.

"Release him now!" said Momotaro.  The three aliens got out their heat daggers--which looked like medieval Japanese daggers but with devices that made the blades very hot--and lunged at the two heroes.  Inu-Ronin used his weapon to take out two of the enemies very easily.  The third alien soldier was dispatched quickly with a thrust of Momotaro's plasma sword.

After the battle ended, Momotaro approached and released the monkey from his binds, and shared a rice ball with him.

"Bless you, friend, for freeing me," said the monkey.  "I am Tetsuzaru.  I had sabotaged these enemies' craft to free a human they wanted to enslave, but they soon captured me.  They had already taken a fair human princess captive, if memory serves me right."

"I am Momotaro," said Momotaro, "and this is Inu-Ronin.  We are on our way to Oni Island to face the warlord."

"We appreciate any help we can find along the way," added Inu-Ronin.

"As gratitude for my freedom," said Tetsuzaru, "I will gladly aid you.  Aside from a captive princess, the enemies also have amassed hordes of wealth stolen from the people."

The three then continued on their way to the coast.

Momotaro and his friends soon made it to the coast, and the large fortress of Oni Island was across the sea.

"There should be a boat nearby," said Tetsuzaru.

"What's that?" said Momotaro, pointing to something along the beach.

The party soon approached and found an android fashioned in the style of a female pheasant.

"Here," said Tetsuzaru, giving a special device.  "I can recognize the power source of the android, and I have a similar power battery I can spare."

Momotaro put in the device in the pheasant android, and she soon activated.

"Greetings," said the android in a pleasant female voice.  "I am Kiji-ko Unit 7."

"I am Momotaro," said Momotaro.  "And these are Inu-Ronin and Tetsuzaru.  We are on our way to Oni Island to save the people from the warlord."

"I shall be of assistance," said Kiji-ko Unit 7.  "There is a security lock that I am able to hack into and open."

The group then found the boat that Tetsuzaru mentioned earlier.  The cyborg monkey had another spare power source, this one to power the boat, and the four set off to the enemy base.

The ominous high-tech base of Oni Island soon revealed its gates to the intrepid four.

The sturdy gate, made like an evil looking horned skull, was shut tight.

Kiji-ko soon flew up to one of its eyes and found the console, since none of the guards expected any intruders to try to get in through the window.

The pheasant android then released some tentacle-like wires from her body and connected them to the interface.

"Initiating unlocking sequence," said Kiji-ko.

In just a few minutes, the gates opened.  Once they were open, Kiji-ko disconnected from the interface and flew out before the guards came back in.  She then flew back to the party.

"Let's get in there and save the people from this tyrant!" cheered Momotaro as he and his friends sailed in!

The boat soon landed, and the four got off and into the harbor.

"It's not just the soldiers we need to worry about," said Tetsuzaru.  "I've heard they have a VERY sophisticated security system with a lot of booby-traps!"

"Is there a way to disable them?" asked Inu-Ronin.

"Even the best security systems have blind spots," chuckled Tetsuzaru.  "I've only found one blind spot before, but hadn't needed to use it till now.  I shall disable the security system!"

At that, the monkey cyborg opened an air vent and followed the one route he remembered that didn't have security cameras.  He then found the master security terminal and disabled it--the alien forces didn't expect anyone to even TRY to disable their security system, so they didn't bother with back-ups!  This knowledge made Tetsuzaru laugh as he returned to his friends.

"The traps are off!" cheered Tetsuzaru.

"Don't get cocky, friends," warned Inu-Ronin.  "We still need to worry about alien soldiers!"

"That's generally the case," said Momotaro.  "Now, let's find and defeat the enemy leader!"

Momotaro and his party soon raced through Oni Island.

Any alien soldiers along the way brought out his weapon, whether a melee weapon like a sword or spear, or a projectile weapon like a laser pistol or even a rifle.

For close battles, Momotaro and Inu-Ronin took them on.  For those with firing weapons, Tetsuzaru had a shooter within his robotic arm, and Kiji-ko had a laser within her forehead.

The four soon made it to the master sector, where the leader is.

"Go on," said Tetsuzaru.  "Kiji-ko and I can hold them off!"

"All right, good luck!" said Momotaro as he and Inu-Ronin went in.

Momotaro and Inu-Ronin stood before the enemy leader.  He had a humanoid face, but three horns--one on either side of his head, and one on top of his head.  He had greenish-blue skin, and armor that was black, blue, and violet.  He also had a reddish-black cape.

Nearby was the captive princess.  Her arms were tied to a column.  She had fair skin, hair like a beautiful clear night, eyes like amethysts, and her kimono pink as cherry blossoms in spring.  Her tiara also was decorated with rubies.  And she was also about Momotaro's age as well.

"Welcome, warriors," said the enemy leader.  "I am the leader of this army, and I go by the codename 'Oni King'."

"We are here to put an end to your tyranny, Oni King!" said Momotaro, getting his plasma sword ready.

"We shall set the people free!" said Inu-Ronin, preparing his naginata.

Oni King got out his own masamune sword, which also had a plasma blade.

"We shall see who will triumph!" said the Oni King.  "Have at you!"

The enemy leader lunged toward them, and the two barely dodged.  Inu-Ronin slashed at the enemy, but only managed to damage his cape.

"Fool!" said the Oni King, swinging his masamune and destroying his naginata.

Inu-Ronin gasped as his weapon was gone.

"You are dead dog!" said the Oni King.  "Figuratively, and soon... LITERALLY!!!"

"Turn, demon!" said Momotaro.  "You battle with me!"

The Oni King turned.  The two leapt up and struck their blades together in the air.

The two landed.  Momotaro knelt.

The princess gasped, but then, she looked at the Oni King, as did Momotaro as he looked back a bit.

The Oni King roared in pain as he exploded in beams of light, and then a large cloud of smoke.

Momotaro stood up.  He was sore from the battle, but was otherwise unharmed.  He slowly went up to the princess and untied her.

"Thank you, hero," said the princess as she kissed him.  "I am Princess Umehanako.  My parents were the true rulers of the land, but Oni King murdered them and took me, trying to force me to be his queen."

"It is well now," said Momotaro.  "I, Momotaro, have put an end to the Oni King's evil."

"The treasure that the Oni King took is not far from here," said Princess Umehanako.

Momotaro, the princess, and Inu-Ronin soon emerged.  When the alien armies saw Momotaro emerge with Princess Umehanako, they knew their leader was dead, and ran.

"All right, Momotaro!" cheered Tetsuzaru.  "You did it!"

"We gotta get the treasure!" said Momotaro.  "It must be returned to the people!"

Inu-Ronin soon sniffed around.  "I smell human scent of others," he said.

The party then found the treasure area.  Inu-Ronin soon reached into his pouch and threw some disk-like objects which transported the treasure to some other locations.

"The devices transported the treasure back to the rightful owners," said Inu-Ronin, "or the next of kin, if the original owners are deceased."

Soon, all heard a siren go off.

"Oni Island self-destruct activated!" said a male voice.  "Oni Island will explode in 13 minutes!  Evacuate immediately!"

Kiji-ko said, "Follow me!  I will direct us to the shortest route to our boat!"

The pheasant android led the party to the boat--all of the alien soldiers had already fled--and the boat's engines soon roared to life.

The party got to escape the island base just in time, as three minutes after they exited the base, the large fortress soon exploded.

Tetsuzaru manned the craft to keep it stable and prevent it from capsizing from the waves of the explosion.

"Is everyone all right?" asked Tetsuzaru.

"I am well," said Momotaro.

"All systems are functional," said Kiji-ko.

"I am safe," said Umehanako.

"I am all right too," said Inu-Ronin.

"Well, time to head back to the mainland," said Tetsuzaru.

The group soon returned to the mainland and to the town.

The elderly farmer and his wife were also in town to see their son and his friends returned.

"Is that--?!" asked one of the people.

"It is!" said another.  "It's Princess Umehanako!"

"Momotaro has saved our princess!" said a third.

The people all cheered!

After the cheering of the crowd died down a bit, Momotaro spoke:

"The victory is not mine alone.  My friends had made it possible as well.  Let us also cheer for my friends Inu-Ronin, Tetsuzaru, and Kiji-ko Unit 7."

"Hooray for Momotaro AND his friends!" said the farmer.

His wife added, "And let us celebrate the return of our princess--no, our QUEEN--Umehanako!"

The people cheered even more!

A few years after the adventure, Momotaro and Umehanako were married, and begat a dynasty that brought peace to Japan and to neighboring countries.

But... that's a story for another time.

The End


  • Mittens Serf
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Oh, an early entry, and an intersting tale too. Thank you, DBoyWheeler!

I hope there are many more entries to follow. (nod)


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I might be entering this one.  Working on an idea.  :smiley:

Nice take on Momotaro, DBoy. I enjoyed that. You could make that into a children’s Book.


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Nice take on Momotaro, DBoy. I enjoyed that. You could make that into a children’s Book.

Thanks.  Yeah, it's not everyday you see a version of Momotaro with a lightsaber! (laugh)


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Only a couple days left. I guess you're all busy writing?


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My story is all about a sweet old lady called Mrs Fizzlepink.  :grin:

I'm working on an idea, a story about how a classic Russian fairytale is re-imagined for a more modern audience.


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Okay, you all know the famous fairy story (at least, I HOPE you have).  :tongue:
This is what REALLY happened... :cheesy:


Mrs Fizzlepink lives in a large cottage on the outskirts of quaint little village, near the woods.  She is a kindly old lady, with long, straggly, white hair, and an infectious cackly laugh. 

You could call her… quirky… with her own way of doing things.  And she takes great pride in her garden, in which she grows a whole variety of herbs, which she often uses for home remedies, as well as flavouring her food.  She also has flowers blooming over the fence & gate, and vines and flowers that frame her door and windows.   

Like I said, she’s a kind old lady, always willing to help those in need.  But she’s frail, and walks with a cane.

One day, while she’s busy making cakes for the Children’s Fete, she hears a banging at her door, making her jump. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *to herself*   OH!  Goodness!  Who could that be?

The banging becomes more urgent, as she slowly hobbles her way to the front door.  And when she opens the door, she sees two young teenagers - a girl and a boy - standing there.  The girl leans on the boy, and appears to be injured, with bloody cuts on her arms and face

BOY:  Please… my sister was attacked… she’s badly injured… can you help us?  PLEASE? 

The boy sounds desperate, and dear Mrs Fizzlepink can’t turn her back on them

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *gasps*   Oh, you poor dears!  Yes… yes… come in! 

The boy smiles a grateful ‘Thankyou’, as he helps his sister inside the cottage.  Mrs Fizzlepink leads them through to the kitchen, and with some effort, manages to pull out a chair from the kitchen table.  The boy lowers his sister into the chair

BOY:  Thankyou so much. 

The old lady gets a cloth, and soaks it in the sink.  Then she walks over to the girl, and begins to gently wash her wounds

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *looks at the boy*   Oh, this is terrible!  Tell me what happened.

BOY:  We were walking through the woods, and this… THING… attacked my sister.   *looks at his sister*   It all happened so fast… I couldn’t tell if it was a big dog, or a wolf, or WHAT it was. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *still washing the girl’s wounds*   Well, sometimes, stray dogs wander into the woods looking for food. 

BOY:  It came out of nowhere… it jumped on my sister.  I managed to throw rocks at it, until it ran off.  Can you help her?  Will she be okay? 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Some of these wounds look deep.  But I have some yarrow in the garden.   

BOY:  Yarrow?

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *nods*   It’s a natural remedy that does wonders for bleeding gashes.  It helps to reduce the bleeding, and fight any infection, you see. 

The boy nods. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I’ll go and fetch some.   *pauses*   Oh… do tell me your names, deary?

BOY:  I’m Harrison.  She’s Gretchen. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I’m very pleased to meet you, Harrison and Gretchen.  Although I do wish it wasn’t under such dire circumstances.    *her face burrows into a concerned frown*   I’ll just fetch that yarrow… won’t be long, deary. 

Mrs Fizzlepink leans heavily on her walking cane, as she hobbles off to her garden.  While she’s gone, Harrison looks round the kitchen, and sees several baking trays of various stages of cakes - some cake dough waiting to be baked, some baked cakes still cooling on the kitchen surfaces, some half-mixed cake mixture, etc.  There’s even some Candy Canes hanging from the window.  It’s quite a sight! 

Several minutes later, Mrs Fizzlepink returns.  She smiles at Harrison. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Here we are, deary.  Now the yarrow leaves must be placed on your sister’s wounds, before I bandage her. 

But as Mrs Fizzlepink leans over the injured girl to try and help her… the girl's arm shoots up, and grabs Mrs Fizzlepink’s arm.  She opens her eyes, and sits up

GRETCHEN:  You ain’t puttin’ none of that voodoo witch-crap on me, old lady! 

The boy laughs.  Mrs Fizzlepink looks between them, feeling quite perplexed

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  … Excuse me? 

GRETCHEN:   *to her brother*   Told you an old witch lived here, Harrison. 

HARRISON:  Haha.  You were right, Gretchen.  I should have believed you.  Still, it was risky, cutting’ through the woods like that.  That stupid wild dog got you good. 

Although Gretchen is injured, it’s not as bad as she had initially made out

GRETCHEN:  Ach, it was worth it.  Besides, we can stay here until my wounds heal.  The old bag won’t do anything…  *looks at Mrs Fizzlepink*   Will you? 


HARRISON:  We should tie her up, just to make sure.  Can you stand, Gretchen? 

GRETCHEN:  Yeah, sure.  Help me up? 

Gretchen holds out her arms, and Harrison pulls her to her feet.  Gretchen looks round at Mrs Fizzlepink again

GRETCHEN:  Sit down, you crazy old bag. 

Mrs Fizzlepink doesn’t move. 

HARRISON:  My sister said… SIT DOWN! 

Harrison pushes Mrs Fizzlepink down into the chair that Gretchen occupied just moments before.  Gretchen grabs the cane she uses to walk around.

GRETCHEN:  Look Harrison, she even has a witch’s wand. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  It’s my cane.  I need it help me walk around.  These old bones are not as young as they once were, you know. 

GRETCHEN:  You know something… I’m getting really tired of the sound of your voice.  Why don’t you zip it? 

Gretchen raises the cane, and brings it down hard on poor Mrs Fizzlepink, who yells in pain.

GRETCHEN: Here, have some Yarrow.  I’m told it does wonders for wounds.  Stops the bleeding, and heals infections, blah blah blah.  Hehehe.    *throws some of the yarrow flowers at Mrs Fizzlepink*   

HARRISON:  What can we use to tie her up?   *looks around*   

GRETCHEN:  An old witch like her is bound to have some rope somewhere.  Check the cupboards. 

The two teenagers begin checking cupboards in the cottage.  They soon find a storage closet in the hallway, that contains a mop & bucket, some scrubbing brushes, a few other odds & ends… and some rope.  They take the rope back to the kitchen, to tie up poor Mrs Fizzlepink

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  You don’t have to do this, dearies.  If you leave now, I won’t tell a soul. 

GRETCHEN:  Oh, shut up! 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I tried to HELP you…

GRETCHEN:  Yes, and I’m grateful.  Just as I’m grateful you’re letting us stay here for a while. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *frowns*   I don’t recall agreeing to that.

HARRISON:  You don’t get a choice.   *whacks the old lady across the cheek*

With Mrs Fizzlepink tied up, the teenagers begin to relax. 

HARRISON:  You should have a seat, Gretchen.  We came here to see if your old witch really existed, and she does.  But you’ve still been hurt. 

Gretchen smiles at her brother, and sits down on another chair at the kitchen table.  But they can’t relax for long… a burning smell begins to waft through the kitchen, and smoke pours out of the oven. 

HARRISON:  What the hell…

MRS FIZZLEPINK:   *looks at the oven*   That’s my chocolate muffins I was baking for the Children’s Fete tomorrow.  They’ll be burnt to a crisp now.   *sniff*   

Harrison turns off the oven, pulls open the oven door, and coughs as the burnt smoke pours out. 

GRETCHEN:  Hehe.  They’ll make good rocks once they cool down.  All the better to practice throwing techniques.    *looks at Mrs Fizzlepink*   

Harrison picks up a pan from the oven, that’s full of… something.  He grabs a nearby wooden spoon, and uses it to poke the… something

HARRISON:  What’s this crap?   *looks at Mrs Fizzlepink*

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  It’s Gingerbread dough.  It needs to be rolled out flat, before I can cut out little Gingerbread Men. 

GRETCHEN:  Let me guess.  For the stupid Children’s Fete? 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Yes, actually. 

GRETCHEN:  PFFT!   *pauses, then looks at Harrison*   Hey Harrison… want some fun?   

HARRISON:   *grins*   What’cha got in mind? 

GRETCHEN:  The outside of this dump could do with a little redecorating, don’cha think?  Gingerbread dough is just what the place needs! 

HARRISON:  HAHAHA!  Great idea, sis. 

Harrison picks up a pan of Gingerbread dough, and takes it outside.  Gretchen follows… still nursing her wounds, of course. 

Outside the house, Gretchen begins rolling the dough into balls, then hands some to her brother

GRETCHEN:  Okay Harrison.  See that flower above the door?  The pink one?  Bet’cha can’t hit it. 

HARRISON:  You’re on! 

Harrison spits on the Gingerbread dough ball for luck, takes aim, and throws it at the pink flower above the door, hitting it dead centre

GRETCHEN:  Oh, nice shot!  How about one right in the middle of that wall. 

Harrison throws a dough ball at the wall, and it sticks.  They have fun throwing Gingerbread dough balls at various places on the outside wall and door, before getting bored, and going back inside again.  Mrs Fizzlepink looks at them sadly


MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I try to help you… and you repay me by tying me up, vandalising my home, and abusing me? 

GRETCHEN:  You’re lucky we don’t burn you at the stake, for being a witch! 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I am not a witch! 

HARRISON:  You expect us to believe you, stupid old fool?   *points to corner of the room*   Look!  You even have an old cauldron in the corner there. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  That was my grandmother’s.  I use it for boiling water.  There's no electricity in the cottage, you see. 

GRETCHEN:  You mean, you use it for brewing all your witchy potions. 

Mrs Fizzlepink just sighs. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Where are your parents:  I’m sure they’re worried about you.

GRETCHEN:  Our parents let us do what we like!  And right now, we like to have fun here. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Please… just leave me alone. 

GRETCHEN:  Oh, but we’re having SO much fun! 

HARRISON:   *glances outside*   It’s starting to get dark though.  And my sister needs to rest - she got hurt because of you. 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  ME???  How could it be MY fault she got attacked by a stray dog?  Besides, I tried to help her.

HARRISON:  We would never have been in those woods, if it wasn’t for you!  You stupid old WITCH!  SO IT’’S ALL YOUR FAULT!   *kicks her*   

GRETCHEN:  Forget the old bag.  Let’s go and get some shut-eye.  She’s bound to have a bedroom somewhere.   

Harrison nods in agreement, gives Mrs Fizzlepink one more kick, then follows Gretchen out the room

HARRISON:  You take the bed, Gretchen.  I’ll sleep on the floor. 

Mrs Fizzlepink is left alone in the kitchen, to contemplate the day‘s events… tied up, bleeding, and in pain.  How could two young people be so cruel? 

A new day dawns.  Harrison and Gretchen appear in the kitchen

HARRISON:  Morning, witch.  Thanks for your hospitality last night.   *sarcastic

GRETCHEN:  Mmm, yes!  Your bed is SO comfy!  Didn’t want to get up this morning.  Thanks for letting me use it. 

Mrs Fizzlepink just looks at them.  She had invited them in yesterday, because the girl was injured… NOT for them to abuse her.  And now they’re taunting her, as well

HARRISON:  So what’s for breakfast?

He begins rummaging through cupboards, looking for something to eat… throwing things on the floor, as he does so

GRETCHEN:  Breakfast?  What about those chocolate muffins from yesterday?  They’ll be cool now. 

HARRISON:  Oh yes, I forgot about them.   *grins*   

He walks over to the tray of now-cooled, burnt-to-a-crisp, rock-solid chocolate muffins.  He takes one from the tray… and throws it at Mrs Fizzlepink

HARRISON:  Hey, that was fun.  Want to try it, Gretchen? 

GRETCHEN:  Sure, why not. 

Gretchen also takes a chocolate muffin, and throws it at Mrs Fizzlepink

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I think you’ve both done enough!  You are no longer welcome in my home!  Please leave! 


HARRISON:  Now you’ve upset my sister!  NO-ONE upsets my sister!  You’re gonna pay for that! 

Harrison picks up the old woman’s walking cane that was still lying on the ground from yesterday… and begins beating her with it.  Mrs Fizzlepink’s screams for mercy fall on deaf ears. 

Then she falls silent

HARRISON:  What’s that?  Cat got your tongue?  Hahaha.   *continues beating her*   

GRETCHEN:   *looks closely at her*   Harrison… I think she’s dead.

HARRISON:  … Nah, she can’t be.   *kicks Mrs Fizzlepink*   Say something, you old bat. 

No response from Mrs Fizzlepink

GRETCHEN:  I’m telling you, she’s dead, Harrison. 

HARRISON:   *looks at Mrs Fizzlepink*   You’re a witch, aren’t you?  Just… poof yourself back alive again. 

Still no response from Mrs Fizzlepink

HARRISON:   *drops the cane*   Oh FUCK!  I… I didn’t mean… I didn’t think she would… 

Harrison is beginning to panic.  He may be a bully, and a violent thug, and various other things… just like his sister.  But he’s never killed anyone before

GRETCHEN:  It’s not your fault, Harrison.   *tries to comfort her brother*   If she hadn’t been a witch, none of this would have happened. 

HARRISON:  But she’s… I mean LOOK at her… she’s DEAD!  What am I going to do? 

GRETCHEN:  Don’t worry, we’ll deal with this. 


Gretchen sits down at the kitchen table to think.  Suddenly, the cauldron in the corner catches her eye

GRETCHEN:   *snaps her fingers*   THE CAULDRON!  She said she uses it to boil water.  What if we fill it with water, boil it, then dump her body in it?  No body, means nothing happened! 

HARRISON:  YOU… are a GENIUS!   *hugs his sister*   

The next few hours are spent with filling the large cauldron with water.  It takes a long time, filling up the kettle, pouring it into the cauldron, refilling the kettle, pouring it into the cauldron, refilling the kettle again… etc.  Then they light the fire underneath, and wait for the water to boil… which takes FOREVER.  Finally, they untie poor old Mrs Fizzlepink

HARRISON:  Help me with this, will ya? 

The two of them struggle, as they lift the old woman up, ready to dump her into the boiling cauldron.  The water sizzles in anticipation. 

Suddenly… out of nowhere… a loud clap of thunder sounds right outside the kitchen window, making the brother and sister team jump in fright.  They’re so shocked, they drop poor Mrs Fizzlepink’s body back down on the ground.  Rain pours down, crashing against the kitchen window, and banging at the door. 

And a voice is heard… a whisper, carried on the wind…

Osiris, won’t you hear my plea
Osiris, grant thy life to me
A kindness that was taken wrong
Betrayal led to evil’s song
Let death take not this mortal soul
Let death take not it’s final toll
Grant to me a chance to quench
A bitter blow, one last revenge

HARRISON:   *turning deathly pale*   What the hell was THAT?

GRETCHEN:   *turning equally pale*   How should I know? 

Another clap of thunder sounds, sounding as though the devil himself has awoken.  The brother and sister rush to the window to look outside. 

Behind them… Mrs Fizzlepink slowly gets to her feet, and dusts herself off.  She tuts several times. 

Gretchen and Harrison spin round... and can’t believe what they’re seeing

HARRISON:  But you… you… you’re DEAD! 

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Do I look dead to you, deary?

GRETCHEN:  But… but… we SAW you!

MRS FIZZLEPINK:  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  You really should know better than to attack a witch, dearies.   *grins*   


MRS FIZZLEPINK:  I tried to be kind.  I opened my home to you.  But when kindness is met with cruelness and hostility… that cruelness must be dealt with most severely!  Now let… me… see.  You seem to like my grandmother’s cauldron, so it seems only fitting that you get to experience the full benefits of it.  And I see you’ve already boiled the water for me - how considerate!   *pauses*   I’ve always been partial to boiled toad, so…

With a wave of her hand, the two teenagers disappear.  In their place, croaking angrily on the ground… are two large toads.  Mrs Fizzlepink picks them up, smiles, and drops them into the boiling cauldron. 

An hour later, Mrs Fizzlepink tucks into a tasty treat of toad sandwich

« Last Edit: 14 Feb 2018, 16:08 by Frodo »


  • Welcome down... to my Planet Hell!
I changed the last part of my story, cos I thought of a better ending.  :smiley:

Hope that's okay.  I can put the old ending back if anyone objects. 


  • Mittens Serf
  • Wheel of Fate
    • I can help with translating
Hope that's okay.  I can put the old ending back if anyone objects. 

The deadline hasn't passed yet, so you can edit as much as you want.

But it is creeping closer, so, everyone else, type the last paragraphes, read through your texts, edit and then don't forget to post them. (nod)

Here is my entry, based on the Russian fairy tale Tsarevitch Ivan, the Firebird and the Gray Wolf.
A timeless tale, modernized for a modern audience
Once upon a time, an aspiring young writer had written a script for an animated children's movie and was about to pitch her idea to the executive of an animation studio.  Now, few people get the rare chance to see their dreams turn into reality, but this writer had a mother which had taught her hard work and perseverance from a young age. That her mother was the sister in law to the executive in question also helped. When the time for the appointment came, the young woman walked up to the executive's desk and placed her script there. With a nervous voice she said:

Well, here is my script. It's called Ivan, the firebird and the grey wolf.
But the executive only said, without casting a single glance on the script:
I don’t like it.

You don't like it? B-but you haven't even read the script!

No, I don't like the title. Too many words. Look what Disney and Pixar are doing, short simple titles you can smack up in a goofy font. I'd shorten it to one word. Grey? I like Grey, maybe we can suck in some stupid moms too dumb to realize it isn't a 50-shades spinoff into the theaters in addition to the kids.

It's based off a Russian fairy tale… If only you'd read the script…

Look missy, you'd think I'd get to be an executive by reading? I don't do reading, you tell me the story, in a short summary of course. I've got to be at the yacht club by 2PM.

All-right, it's an old fairy tale which my mother used to read me as a child, and it'd mean a lot to me to see this timeless story brought to the screen for a new generation of children to enjoy-

Get on with the story, missy!

It begins with a Tsar whom has a garden where golden apples grow, but every night, to the tsar's great dismay, somebody steals apples from the garden.

A thief? Is he clumsy? Great, we can have some good slapstick right there, people falling on their butts and stuff, kid's love it!

No, it's a golden bird stealing the apples. The three sons of the Tsar all try to stay up during the night, hoping to catch the thieving bird in the act, but the two older sons both fall asleep and only Ivan, the youngest son manages to stay awake. He sees the bird, but only manages to catch one of the golden feathers before it flies away.

Ok, and this Ivan is he a prince? Like a Disney prince or something?

Um, yes, he is the Tsar's son and the hero of the story…

Princes are so last century. If he's the main guy, we got to make sure he has attitude, and be cool in a way appealing to kids. Like, when he sees that bird thing, he should flip his hat backwards and go all "Wooah! Radical!", kids love that sort of thing.

*sigh* Well, he is a young man eager for adventure… Anyway, all three sons ride out in search for the bird, but the two older brothers are soon distracted and led astray, they give up their search and-

Then they go to Rio! We get a cutaway gag to the two brothers in Hawaii shirts and dancing around with bikini babes before cutting back to the story. That's great, people liked that other animated bird movie set there, so if we put that in the trailer, stupid moms will think it's a sequel to that and buy tickets to our movie! Anyway, what happened to that Igor dude, have he met any comedy relief animals yet?

He will meet a special animal, I'm getting to that part. Prince Ivan continued his search and eventually found a rock, where the carvings on it said that if he rode left, he would die but his horse would live, if he rode forward, he would die from hunger and thirst, and if he took the right path, his horse would die but he would live. Ivan decided to take the right path, so that his horse would die but he would live to continue his quest.

Wait a second, a horse dies? We gotta cut that out, this is a kid's movie! Name any kid's flick with dead animals in it!

You mean like Bambi, The Lion king, The Land before time, Finding Nemo-

Look, it was a rhetorical question, we're cutting the dead horse out.

But it's kind of a big part of the story, you see, the horse is killed by the wolf from the title, but in exchange for having eaten the horse, the wolf then offers to follow Ivan and aid him in his quest, it's the wolf's motivation for helping him…

Wait, there's a talking wolf? Finally! Is he like a silly comedy relief animal?

Not really, the wolf is more like a wise and powerful mentor character who provides Ivan with important knowledge.

Great, so he's a wise character, like the genie in Aladdin? That's great, then we can have the wolf come with a bunch of pop-cultural references whenever things get too slow!

Well, the wolf tells Ivan that the bird lives in a golden cage in the palace of another Tsar, and he tells Ivan how to steal the bird, but warns him not to steal the cage as well.

Sounds good, does Ivan lower himself down into the palace with a rope, just like Mission Impossible? That's an awesome movie, we should copy that scene when Ivan sneaks into the palace!

Err… Ok, Ivan sneaks into the palace, Mission Impossible style, and then he reaches the golden cage with the bird. He steals the bird without problem, but then he is too tempted to also steal the gold cage, but as soon as he touches it, bells are ringing, alerting the guards and he is caught.

We should have a scene where all the guards are dog piling him, and there's this cartoon squish effect, that'd be great!

He is caught, and brought before the Tsar who owns the bird. This Tsar is angry, but he offers Ivan his freedom and the bird if he will steal a horse with golden mane from a third Tsar and give it to him.

A horse with golden mane? After the golden bird? That's boring, change it up! I know, let's give the horse black mane, with red emo streaks in it,  just like Shadow the Hedgehog, kids will love that!

So the wolf gives Ivan new advice how to steal the horse with gold- black mane, he has to sneak into the stable where the horse is kept and steal it, but he cannot touch the golden saddle belonging to the horse. But once again Ivan falls for the temptation and touches the saddle, and once again he's caught and brought before another Tsar.

This is good, we can re-use the animations for the previous scene!

This Tsar tells Ivan that if he wants the horse, he must bring the princess Helen the beautiful for the tsar to marry. This time, the wolf takes it upon himself to fetch the princess. He jumps into her garden, flings her across his back and runs back to Ivan. As soon as Ivan and Helen sees each other, they both fall in love.

Wait, so this princess just exist to look pretty and fall head over heels for the hero? That's such a shallow and outdated character archetype and not a very inspiring character for young girls to identify with. This sort of character has no place in a modern story.

Well, I do agree that her character could be expanded upon…

We should have her be all sassy and fighty and "I don't need no man" at first when she's introduced, and then have her do a 180,  fall head over heels for the hero and turn into a damsel!

*sigh*Or we could do that I guess… Anyway, Ivan has promised Helen to the Tsar, but the wolf comes up with a plan. It looks like Ivan excanges the princess for the horse and rides off on it, but when the Tsar lifts the princess's veil it's the wolf in disguise.

Isn't the wolf a dude? Does that mean we have a male in drag tricking a dude into kissing him, and then the other dude is like "Eeeeew! I kissed a guy!"?

Err… I guess it was part of the story, but I didn't think of it that way…

That's hilarious, we definitely need to put it in the movie! Plus we can use Furry memes in our marketing!

Ehem, they then use a similar trick on the next Tsar, where he thinks Ivan gives him the horse in exchange for the bird, but when he tries to ride it, it's actually the wolf while Ivan and Helen rides of on the real horse with the bird. When they reach the place where Ivan and the wolf first met, the wolf says goodbye to Ivan as he's about to go back to his homeland. But unfortunately, Ivan's two older brothers have heard of his exploits and are waiting in ambush for him.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if they were still wearing the Hawaii shirts? You know, from that joke I mentioned a while ago?

But the scene isn't supposed to be funny, they strike Ivan down, take the bird and horse and kidnap Helen, and the older brother tries to force her to marry him! It would clash with the entire tone of their actions!

Look lady, it's a dumb kid's movie, they're supposed to be funny! There is no such thing as an inappropriate joke for a kid movie.

But it's the darkest point of the story, and then when all hope seems lost and crows are circling over Ivan's lifeless body, the wolf returns. He captures two crows and makes them fetch some water to revive Ivan.

Water? You can't just splash some water on someone to heal their wounds. Besides, we haven't had any contemporary references for a while.

No, because it's set in medieval Russia.

Well yeah, kid's don't care about history, we should throw in something new and cool. Can't the wolf revive Ivan with, like, a fidget spinner or something?

A fidget spinner? Allright, I give up, the wolf revives Ivan with a fidget spinner pulled from his ass.

The wolf's ass or Ivan's ass?

Nevermind, Ivan rides on the wolf to his father's kingdom, stops the wedding, marries Helen, the evil brothers are put in chains, they all live happily ever after and the wolf sits down to write down their story as a last favor for Ivan, the end.

When you said the brothers were put in chains, could we have a joke where they are tossed in a jail cell and there's a big muscly guy making sexy eyes at them while the two brothers cling to each other and scream like sissy little girls? That'd liven up our kiddie flick, there's not enough jokes in it, and we haven't even gotten to the fart jokes yet!

And one last thing! The executive said, not noticing that the writer had already left the room,
Reading is boring, what if, instead of the wolf writing down a book, we could have him dance Gangnam Style as the credits roll?

The End


  • Mittens Serf
  • Not-so-Evil Banana Dictator
    • I can help with AGS tutoring
    • Best Innovation Award Winner 2011, for the concept and management of SWARMAGS
    • I can help with voice acting
    • Baron worked on a game that was nominated for an AGS Award!
I'm half-done my entry.  I might make it by the deadline or I might not.... I haven't decided yet. (roll)


  • Mittens Serf
  • Wheel of Fate
    • I can help with translating
Would you like a bit more time? I probably won't have time to close the comp tomorrow anyway.


  • Mittens Serf
  • Not-so-Evil Banana Dictator
    • I can help with AGS tutoring
    • Best Innovation Award Winner 2011, for the concept and management of SWARMAGS
    • I can help with voice acting
    • Baron worked on a game that was nominated for an AGS Award!
Probably? ;-D