Plot: I vote
JudasFm, just a little bit by default, but also a whole lot because of a story arc that kids could get into.
Character: In terms of
interesting character, I suppose I have to vote
Wiggy for Dodger. As distasteful as I might find the character, he certainly stands out as a person of distinct convictions and mannerisms.
Language: I vote
JudasFm, with Mandle in a close second. I thought JudasFM did a fantastic job limiting her vocabulary to easy-to-read words, and her metre seemed bang on. It's a hard comparison, since Mandle's story is so (intentionally) sparse.
Message: All right, so we've got Mandle teaching basic grammar, Wiggy teaching about how you can solve all your problems by renting out Mr. Bottom, and JudasFm teaching that you help yourself by helping others (or the virtues of persistence, there's kinda two lessons). In terms of a typical children's story "message" JudasFm wins hands down. But I think I have to give this vote to
Mandle for the sheer audacity of trying to teach a difficult concept in a fun and stress-free way.
Overall impressions:
Mandle: A brilliant concept. I see your target audience as older children, as very young ones struggle with more than just nouns and verbs. The average student wouldn't be able to read the word
conjunction until third grade, and many not until after that. I think, therefore, that you could be more ambitious in your choice of adjectives and verbs, teaching what they are, but also how powerful they can be at the same time. Creative use of fonts could also colour-code the types of speech as a visual cue, and even the meaning of the words themselves could be illustrated to convey their meaning. This might be really nitpicky, but I would introduce adverbs before conjunctions, mostly because I believe children learn them first. Also, don't conjunctions bring things together? So wouldn't his character be more.... huggy?
Wiggy: An interesting concept. As Mandle has stated, it could work as a faux-children's book in the vein of
Go the F**k to Sleep, but as the rules for this competition explicitly state that the story must be for children 8 and under I'm left scratching my head. I agree that some of the themes you introduce here (youth homelessness, child abuse, child prostitution) shouldn't be swept under the rug, but I deeply disagree that children under 8 should be exposed to them in this manner. As has already been mentioned in the thread, your work seems to glorify harmful and illegal behaviour without addressing the full consequences of those life-choices, a dangerous mix for impressionable learners. I for one read your work as a shock-value joke, and I'll own up to giving it an occasional chuckle as I shook my head. But alas, in terms of the parameters of this competition, the work is sadly inappropriate.
JudasFm: A very well-executed concept. It's actually better than many published works: you should shop around for an artist! I'm not sure why Lots of Ice Cream was capitalized, but otherwise I found the story captivating and the rhyming compelling.
As for responding to feedback on my own work, yes
Gretel's was a typo.

On the use of
travailed, I tried not to use it. I really did. I think I even had
after all I have nailed in there at one point. But
travail was just too perfect of a word not to use. It literally means work, but it also has a connotation of suffering. It gets to the root of the message I was trying to communicate, that success only comes from hard work and hard experiences. And it's not inherently a hard word: indeed in areas with a strong emphasis of French education it is a first grade word. As for common usage in terms of broader English, I submit exhibit A from Dr. Seuss's
The Cat in the Hat:
"This is not a good game said the fish as he lit
No I do not like it, not one little bit." (p. 22)
I hear the word "travail" used in everyday language, albeit irregularly. I have not ever heard anyone use the word "lit" in the context of landing.
So, in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit that the word
travail is innocent of not being guilty. It's a fun word that kids shouldn't be sheltered from.
