And I was waiting for you...
But we can't wait forever, so let's add my feedback and votes to the mix.
Mandle:I love your concept. I was about halfway through when I finally realized what was going on and had to go back to check. And then my first thought was that I know a whole lot of adults who could seriously benefit from this story. It explains words and how they work together to form sentences very well.
I don't think the story is finished, though. Even considering the limited attention span of children, you end the story on a frigging cliffhanger - in a children's book! I would be seriously pissed if I paid money for this, especially because I think it is otherwise pretty good. Like Baron, I'm not entirely sure if this would be the right point in the story to introduce punctuation. On the one hand, it makes sense. That's a place in building a sentence where you could profit from this help. On the other hand, the story basically changes track away from part of speech, which it set out to be.
I would suggest changing the word "Outside" (PG03). At this point in the story you are only allowed to use nouns, and outside can be
an adjective, an adverb, a preposition or a noun. One could argue that it's more of an adverb here. I'm not sure, and am a non-naitive speaker of English, so I might be mistaken. Either way, I just think you should stick to words that can be only a noun or only a verb, just to avoid confusions.
Random thought, I think I only spotted "happy", "angry" and "brave" as adjectives. Maybe it would be better to introduce more? That was just a thought, neither positive, nor negative.
And as an even more random thought, you could start the story even earlier, with sounds, and sounds forming words.
In conclusion, I think the idea is great, the concept is amazing. The plot is simple, more functional than engaging; and it cuts off way too early.
Wiggy:A lot has been said about your entry already. As I stated before, I'm not sure what your intentions were. I don't think this story is suitable for children, especially not children younger than 8, as was specifically asked for in the intro.
There's a rule of thumb that a protagonist's age corresponds with the intended reader's age. I had to check the australian school system, but it appears
a child in year 4 would be aged 9-10, so from the get-go older than I asked for. There are certain elements that might be found in a traditional children's story: the fact that the parents are called mummy and daddy, the short focus on seperate events, leading to a fast-paced story, Simon's lack of knowledge about what is going on.
Which is also a hint why the story doesn't work for children as is. Simon doesn't know what Dodger suggested, so can you really expect young readers to? In the same way this fails for kids in this aspect, it does for adults too (to a degree) because adults know what is going on immediately.
Like JudasFm, I got the impression this story glorifies child prostitution to no small amount. The impression that it is wrong and something to fight against does not come from the text, but from our previous knowledge. In the end, Simon seems okay with his new lot in life while his parents (in a rather glib way) state that they got what they wanted. So, from a purely textual perspective, this story has a Happy Ending! Other people have said a lot on this whole thing already, so I'll stop here.
Something random I noticed:
"Nice", thought Simon, "...but where do I go from here?" "Back to the squat of course." was the reply from "Dodger". So, Dodger can read minds?
Just to make this clear, I do not object to the subject being explored in a children's story, but not like that.
Baron:A very traditional children's story with a traditional message.
I'm not a fan of alliterative names and found them pretty stupid as a child as well, but that's just personal taste. I have to wonder why you introduced certain characters on the first page but then used dieffernt ones to judge Gretel's progress instead of the same? And then stick to those for the rest of the story? That just seemed a bit weird.
Also, the name for Gretel threw me off at first, because I did not think of determination when I read gritty, but of dirt. I guess there is the definition
firm in your intentions, so it's fine.
I think it would have been slightly better if we, as readers, actually got to see Gretel's progress. She always starts with a new idea and claims that she learned something, but we do not get to see it until the very end. And so do the characters in the story. And so they change their opinion from 0 to 100 in the last couple of pages. I think I would prefer a gradual development on both parts: Gretel slowly improves her house and the other children slowly start to see that there is progress.
I like the
By the end of the day Gretel had made a beautiful, um.... lines. They break up the flow of the story in a nice way. I'm not so sure about Gretel's little poem. It seems rather random, compared to a story that has otherwise a nice understated rhythm and poetry to it.
In conclusion a very tradition story and a very nice one.
JudasFm:Cute. That was my first thought and I don't really have much to add. The poetic structure is good, rhythm and rhyme are never jerring. It works.
You are lacking in the message aspect. At first, I thought you might go for an environmental message, with a the bicycle bell that's really not at the right place in the middle of the ocean and the dolphin that wants to play with something that shouldn't be there either, but you never went there, so these elements feel out of place in the same cutsey way as a squid dreaming of ice cream.
I don't know why you would capitalize ice cream. I saw your post on this being a technique in children's books, but I don't see s purpose there either. Why would you use wrong grammar, especially in a book for people just starting out to read? That's just weird.
So, yeah, I don't have much to say here. It's cute, very cute and I'm sure children would enjoy it, so it certainly succeeds in this aspect.
...that got rambly...
Now, my own votes:
Plot: BaronCharacter: Baron - Gretel's determination is great.
Language: JudasFm - Good poetry.
Message: Mandle - this is a very clear win for me.
And that leaves the final tally:
With an amazing
11 points,
Baron wins this round.
JudasFm reaches a second place with
6 points.
And our third place goes to
Mandle with
4 points.
Wiggy lands on a good fourth place with
3 points.
And that's it, over to you, Baron.
