"Back and In Need of Support" by Nick Marziani

[gemen]

Allo, everyone. Just swung by to say howdy-doody.

Actually, I just swung by to talk about how my not-as-promising-as-I-expected life is going.

To those of you who are familliar with the incident that involved me being symbolically sodomized with an american flagpole, I must say that it has affected my life in ways that I only had nightmares about. I can't get a decent job, and people are beginning to treat me like a maniac. Even my close friends. I don't know exactly when it started, but I can say that everyone seems to have given up on me.
Maybe I have been delused until now, because, when I think about it, no one ever really seemed to be there for me before.  
Now, I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt TRULY alone, but if you have, you'll know why I am seeking the company and compasion of absolutely anyone. This is the worst feeling I can imagine one can have. This hoplessness.
Christ, I am 19 years old and I feel like a fucking todler who misses it's mommy. I had not cried in years until this feeling kicked in. Then the crying wouldn't stop.
I have no money. I have no way to get anywhere to make money. I have no certifications to even get the jobs in the first place. I don't love myself anymore. Failure won, guys.
What makes this all worse is that I am left here with a universe of idea and potential in my brain; all of which will go to WASTE. And things aren't going to change. I will never make it.

What I have realized in this fast descent into melancholia is that not only have my family and friends turned their backs on me, But everything I one stood for has as well. The beauty that I used to bathe in has become nothing more than hostile shades of gray. The love that I used to feel for everything prooved to me that it isn't worth feeling, and it left me behind. My philosophy- my god damn foundation- has  been negated.  That's fucking lonesomeness- when your beliefs abandon you.

I couldn't possibly kill myself, and I won't even pretend that I am going to. I am too afraid to DIE. That, though, doesn't mean that I want to be alive still.

So here I am. Help me.

[Trapezoid]

My suggestion is to dress in black, listen to crappy music and whine alot.
Just kidding. I don't know what to say, you were rather vague, so the best I can offer is to say, cheer up, get some new friends, and try to put bad times behind you.

[Paranoia]

well you aren't alone, i know how you feel believe me, , my wife left me a few weeks ago, shes back now but we have big problems, some relating to computer "friends" who i need there for me now, more than ever, but because of issues i can't contact them, i've suffered from depression for ten years, and just to make things interesting i'm agrophobic too, so my contact with the human race is limited altho now i'm trying to fight it, i have to, as for the killing of one self, i did try, i locked myself in the garage with my honda 750 and started it, but the fact i could of been one of my three kids finding me, and i want to see them grow up, i'm not afraid to die, it would be quite welcome at times.

gemen at 19 you have so much to live for, altho you may not be able to see it now, the fact that you can talk about it is a good sign, i'm not the best person to give advice my live's so fucked up, but we have to make our own luck, i've spent 2 years hiding from reality, and it gets to a point where its easier to give up than it is to face life, now well, i'm getting out and shit but its damn hard, my wifes here but she doesn't want to be right now, all i can do is try to make a difference

life is full of setbacks, someone will always kick you in the nuts, we have to learn to see it coming, but its a phase that will pass, and you'll find you are stronger and wiser in the end, and you WILL get through this,

take care of yourself, and don't let the bastards grind you down!

Paranoia

[Minimi]

Allo, everyone. Just swung by to say howdy-doody.

Actually, I just swung by to talk about how my not-as-promising-as-I-expected life is going.

To those of you who are familliar with the incident that involved me being symbolically sodomized with an american flagpole, I must say that it has affected my life in ways that I only had nightmares about. I can't get a decent job, and people are beginning to treat me like a maniac. Even my close friends. I don't know exactly when it started, but I can say that everyone seems to have given up on me.
Maybe I have been delused until now, because, when I think about it, no one ever really seemed to be there for me before.  
Now, I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt TRULY alone, but if you have, you'll know why I am seeking the company and compasion of absolutely anyone. This is the worst feeling I can imagine one can have. This hoplessness.
Christ, I am 19 years old and I feel like a fucking todler who misses it's mommy. I had not cried in years until this feeling kicked in. Then the crying wouldn't stop.
I have no money. I have no way to get anywhere to make money. I have no certifications to even get the jobs in the first place. I don't love myself anymore. Failure won, guys.
What makes this all worse is that I am left here with a universe of idea and potential in my brain; all of which will go to WASTE. And things aren't going to change. I will never make it.

What I have realized in this fast descent into melancholia is that not only have my family and friends turned their backs on me, But everything I one stood for has as well. The beauty that I used to bathe in has become nothing more than hostile shades of gray. The love that I used to feel for everything prooved to me that it isn't worth feeling, and it left me behind. My philosophy- my god damn foundation- has  been negated.  That's fucking lonesomeness- when your beliefs abandon you.

I couldn't possibly kill myself, and I won't even pretend that I am going to. I am too afraid to DIE. That, though, doesn't mean that I want to be alive still.

So here I am. Help me.

Well, I can tell you this, I know kinda how you feel. We are all different ofcourse, though i've been lonely for some long time. To tell you in short a bit about my life.. At primary school I got bullied for 6 years long and had no friends. Every day after school I was alone at home, or I was just cycling in my lonelyness outside. My parents are still from the day that I was born, fighting eachother, and still incidents are rolling on. At highschool I got kinda like a criminal cause i tried to make friends, but I never learned howto... so I tried every way to get attention. I got kicked from school... I started to rob in shops... and started to smoke.

Here comes the good part :

All that time I knew about Jesus, my saviour.. and all that Christian stuff. I was raised with christian principes.... and so I knew alot about God and the bible. At the age of 14, there came a point that I totally broke and I feel like God told me to do right. This was at a christian conference where I go one week in a year, as holidays... Well... there I cried, with pain in my heart, missing the love of my parents, having no REAL friends... and go on.... and then.. it may sound strange.. I asked forgiveness to Jesus and asked him to rule my life... and from that moment things started to clear up. I am now 2 years later I'm 16, and I have 6 real friends and they are all christian. I've got my dreams back, and I have hope for the future. Im still having problems with love... but im sure that's gonna get ok, but it needs time to heal.

So my advice to you is simple. Ask God for real forgiveness, and say to him (with your mouth) that you want to get to know him. And you might not yet understand at all, what that means, but if you come to the point that you are going to see that you can't live without Jesus, because you just can't climb over the walls in your life... then He WILL help you! Goto church... not the catolic or something... but search a church where are some fellows around 20 years... i mean the church with drumkit and synthesizer... i dont know what word for it... i think it was Evangelic  ... or something! Go ask God to lead you to a place where are people that can help you and understand. Ask him anything, that you really want in your heart, and tell Him that you want to trust in him.

Well, I really could go on forever, explaining you things, and trying to help you, but this place is not the best place for doing that. If you want to keep in contact with me, you can have my email, do not hesitate to mail me, cause I want to be your friend and helper if you don't mind In case you want to talk further... here is my email : peter@w8ff.com

God bless and don't give up! Greetz,
Peter Olthof (Minimi)

[Las Naranjas]

The problem is, I don't think any of us have experienced much close to what Gemen was subjected too.
[the fact that more of us don't know ties into the whining in other threads].
The (belatedly) best advice I could offer is to jump border to Canada.

[Paranoia]

its good to hear you turned your life around minimi, and you can get comfort from your faith, when i tryed there was nothing there for me, in fact at one point i blamed god for the shite i was in, in a lot of respects i became a very ugly person, a god friend of mine told me to right a poem and express how i feel...
heres one, the first poem i ever wrote, it shows but hey it made some friends cry!

DEEP


As another day passes me by
I thank fuck I've lost the ability to cry
And the real me I really miss
As my retched mind and body take the piss
So I take the pills as I am told
But the only thing that changes is I grow old
One by one my dreams are destroyed
So all that is left is an empty void
I sit and wonder what I've done
To earn this shit life of such 'fun'
my family and friends keep me 'sane'
But this isn't really enough to kill the pain
I've made big mistakes in the past
But how long is this crap gonna last?
Why has one attempt at  success
Left such a fuckin mess?
So tomorrow i'll  wear my faker's grin
But even that is wearin thin
I'm a clown on a tightrope waitin to fall
But you are my safety net,
I wish to thank you all
My friends you may think this is deep
But i'm facing my demons, so please don't weep
And in some ways I've grown stronger, that is true
So to the bastards who screwed me over, fuck you!!

A °Tøâ,¬Cü††â,¬Â®â,,¢Â°~ production©2001
Copyright ©2001 Nige Copeland

if anyones interest heres a few more http://groups.msn.com/slritrii6baqoj6297ir5a3ca2/thepitofdepression.msnw

Paranoia

[Minimi]

very nice poetry, although the f*** words are not really my style, but I can see it came from your heart, and if thats the way you can express them, its fine by me I've wrote some poetry too... but it's all in dutch, and I dunno if you understand any dutch  

[Paranoia]

sorry about the "f" words but they need to be there, at the time i was very angry, i hate conflict, i don't stand up to people, a lot of people let me down and used me, so everything builds up and it exploded in that and more poems.
sorry i don't speak any dutch, i just to say manage english lol, like a lot of brits

[Barcik]

If "life abandoned you", as you say, you come to life yourself. From the vague description you offered you seem pretty passive. Well, the best way to make things change is become active. Go out, get these certifications, get a job, get money, etc. Perharps start from scratch as LasNaranjas suggested, it always gives you a new chance.

"Choose a life."

[Minimi]

cmon, you dont really think thats going to work??? you must break with your past, only then you can become victorious in the future. So I strongly suggest to seek God, and als everyone else that is doing fine... everyone needs God... ok im now gonna quit bladdering about God, cause you'll probably think im a psycho blind loser... so just greetz from me

[Las Naranjas]

I just meant get out of the US. His relationship with that country has been somewhat traumatic.

[Trapezoid]

What happened? I can't think of any way someone could have a traumatic "relationship with a country" unless they were involved with the government or military. In which case my advice would be to stop hanging out with the government or military.

[Nellie]

His school freaked out over something harmless he did because they thought he was an EEVUUL TERRORISTOR!

Gemen - have you ever seen Bowling for Columbine?  There's a section in that film that shows some of the things that happened to kids who were screwed over by their paranoid schools.  Maybe you could e-mail your story to Michael Moore?

It won't change your life, but it might make you feel a little better that you've added to his knowledge of shit things that happened to schoolkids.

[Flippy_D]

You really need an outlet, and from the sound of it, you got some pretty good writing talent. Maybe you could consider trying your hand at being an author?
I don't see how your family could abandon you, as you put it... care to elaborate? I don't want to push anything, so if not feel no pressure to.
What Las is getting at is right  -  if you feel truely alone, seek elsewhere. Now whether this means trying to get a flatmate, or taking a haitus to one of the holiday islands like Ibiza, do it.
Have a heart.

[Andail]

So my advice to you is simple. Ask God for real forgiveness,

Isn't Gemen one of those guys who should not have to ask for forgiveness? Rather demanding an apology?

[Minimi]

bless those who curse you
forgive those who hurts you
love those that hate you

that should be your lifestyle i guess!

[Las Naranjas]

He isn't just som angsty teenager.

And I think writing, in some form or other is a good idea.

[WanderLady]

I'm sorry, gemen.


I'm sorry that this has happened, and is happening.


I love you.


I write hoping you'll feel it. I felt it when I wrote it.


God Bless You

[Dmitri]

Gemen, it was a post somewhere that I read part of what you went through, I'm not going to be tactful or subtle, I'm going to say it was fucked up.

The very fact that you LIVED through that and didn't pick up a knife tells me your a bloody strong person. I mean, you're the kind of guy that they make movies about.

You got dealt a bad hand man, everyone else got kings and full houses, you got a pair of two's.

none of us have got shit compared to what you've gone through, you tried to stand up and they told you to sit down, I respect you for it, hell I'll go as far as wanderlady, I love you for it. You're the kind of guy who fell through the system, the kind that humanity forgot. You deserve better than what you've been given.

I can't give you what you want. I don't know what you want. If you want a friend, we're here, if you want to voice your grievances, we're here. But there's only so much comfort that text on a screen can give you.

I don't have much to say, and I've never been good at saying anything. But man, when I hear about you it makes me wanna fly over and smuggle you into another country. Where you can start again. I'd give you all my money but all I have is 19c... Australian too...

then the bloody tax department has probably taken care of half of that while I wasn't looking ._.

I don't know why I'm posting this... I want to help, but I've got no idea how...  

[Minimi]

got dealt a bad hand man, everyone else got kings and full houses, you got a pair of two's.

1.Ok now that's a qoute from Rounders! Poker 4ever btw
2. I get all these stupid pm, about me qouting here... so plz admin, put the qouting of this site, cause people seem to hate qoutes