Amuse us with a joke thread :D

Started by Mouth for war, Wed 18/04/2012 21:29:13

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NickyNyce

#20
Mon 23/04/2012 11:34:18 Last Edit: Wed 02/05/2012 00:24:26 by NickyNyce
Three girls are walking down the road with potato sacks on their heads....how do you know which one is the prostitute...

Spoiler
It's the one with the sack that says...Idaho
[close]

Tabata

#21
Mon 23/04/2012 17:44:09
An older one (but I still like it)  ;D


A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete or asphalt that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they are so temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with - in other words, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered the request for a few minutes and said, "So, will two lanes be sufficient, or would you like four?"

Stupot

#22
Tue 24/04/2012 02:08:35
Two old classics with a new twist by me :-)

Man A: My wife's gone away for the week.
Man B: Jamaica?
Man A: No, it was her idea.

Man A: Me and my wife went to Indonesia last month.
Man B: Jakarta?
Man A: No, it was her idea.

Man A: My wife went on holi....
Man B: Okay, so you're a rich cunt and you're wife's a sponging whore.

WHAM

#23
Tue 24/04/2012 09:02:13 Last Edit: Tue 24/04/2012 09:56:14 by WHAM
(Modified from a silly joke in a finnish gaming magazine, their punchline had to do with the story of Max Payne instead)

Three avid adventure gamers stood at the gates of hell, and were greeted by the Devil himself. The Devil was in a playful mood and amde a proposition to the three: each could give the Devil one challenge, the toughest they could think of. If the devil beat the challenge, the poor soul would go to hell, if the Devil could not, the sould would be released with a "Heaven express" -stamp.

The first gamer pondered for a moment and said:
"I challenge you to beat Police Quest, Kings Quest and Space Quest without cheating!"

The devil went to work, muttering curses and forcing his way through each of the three games. After a few hours the devil returned victorious, and the poor gamer went straight to hell.

The second gamer was not disheartened, and bravely said:
"I challenge you to beat NetHack as a tourist!"

The devil muttered curses again and went to work, clearly getting tired of the games being chosen. He ploughed his way through level after level, until finally ascending with the Amulet of Yendor. The poor gamer went screaming into the fieriest pits of hell.

The third gamer looked on for a moment, realizing the Devil to be quite a capable gamer, and said:
"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

The Devil blinked a few times before replying "Get the hell out of here!"
Wrongthinker and anticitizen one. Utterly untrustworthy. Pending removal to memory hole.

Mouth for war

#24
Thu 26/04/2012 10:56:32
After a Scottish couple strolled past a swanky new restaurant, the wife asked, "Did you smell that food? Incredible!" The husband thought, "What the heck? She deserves a treat!" So they walked past it again!


An Australian, an American, and an Irishman were POWs in WWII. The prison commandant was a real bastard and told them he'd kill all three unless their combined pen¡s length was twenty inches. The guards measured them and, fortunately, their combined length was exactly twenty inches. Later, the Australian said, "Well, mates, if it weren't for my 10-incher, we'd all be dead." The American said, "Naw, if it wasn't for my 8 inches, we'd all be dead." The Irishman said, "If that guard didn't turn me on, we'd all be dead!"
mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer

CaptainD

#25
Fri 27/04/2012 10:25:33
Quote from: WHAM on Tue 24/04/2012 09:02:13
"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

An instant classic!  ;-D :-D
 

Monsieur OUXX

#26
Fri 27/04/2012 16:09:05 Last Edit: Fri 27/04/2012 16:13:23 by Monsieur OUXX
Quote from: CaptainD on Fri 27/04/2012 10:25:33
Quote from: WHAM on Tue 24/04/2012 09:02:13
"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

An instant classic!  ;-D :-D

(laugh)

Roger Wilco co-piloting a ship.
The captain: "Tell me when you see a space man."
Roger: "And then what do I do?"
The captain: "You park man."
 

Technocrat

#27
Fri 27/04/2012 20:41:42
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.

The first says "Wow, it's hot in here."

The second replies "Aagh! A talking muffin!"

kaputtnik

#28
Fri 27/04/2012 21:02:47
What's green and stands in a forest?


Spoiler
A red bicycle.
[close]
I, object.

Armageddon

#29
Sat 28/04/2012 20:53:34
o, is it standing in a forest of grass? or is it just, rusted green? Because most bikes are not copper anymore they rust brown. :-X

Hudders

#30
Sun 29/04/2012 12:57:59
Quote from: Armageddon on Sat 28/04/2012 20:53:34
o, is it standing in a forest of grass? or is it just, rusted green? Because most bikes are not copper anymore they rust brown. :-X

It's probably green because it's environmentally friendly.

But still, this is supposed to be a joke thread and a lot of people are posting things that are anti-jokes.  :-X

Stupot

#31
Sun 29/04/2012 15:49:25 Last Edit: Sun 29/04/2012 15:57:47 by Stupot+
Did you hear? Gary Glitter's autobiography is released next week!
Spoiler
But it's only available on PDF-file.
[close]
Why did the midget stop wearing tampons?
Spoiler
She kept tripping on the string
[close]
How can you tell if your dog is homosexual?
Spoiler
His cock tastes like shit
[close]

steptoe

#32
Sun 29/04/2012 17:55:30
A man out walking along a footpath one day. He comes across a Pile of muck blocking his way. He stops. He looks at it, sniffs it, dips his fingers in it and tastes it. Yuk!! It's dog crap!! To think I very nearly trod in it!!!  ;)
It's not over until the fat lady sings..

Stee

#33
Sun 29/04/2012 19:23:14
Spoilered this one up because it's NSFW

Spoiler

I fucked this woman last night and finished all over her face:

"You dirty bastard" she moaned, "you could have given me some warning."

"Sorry love, I'm a bus driver" I said. "I don't give any indication when I'm pulling out."
[close]
<Babar> do me, do me, do me! :D
<ProgZMax> I got an idea - I reached in my pocket and pulled out my Galen. <timofonic2> Maybe I'm a bit gay, enough for do multitask and being romantical

NickyNyce

#34
Wed 02/05/2012 00:34:42
What do you call a dear with no eyes
Spoiler
No eye dear
[close]

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs
Spoiler
Still no eye dear
[close]

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and no balls
Spoiler
Still no fucking eye dear
[close]

Domino

#35
Wed 02/05/2012 00:57:19 Last Edit: Wed 02/05/2012 01:07:01 by Domino
I heard this one on the radio a few weeks back..

What is green in a tree and will kill you if it falls on you?

Spoiler
A Pool Table
[close]

How can you see time fly?

Spoiler
Throw a clock out the window
[close]

Thank you, i'll be here all this week.  (laugh)

Stupot

#36
Wed 02/05/2012 02:07:32
There's a guy I have on Facebook who is my Australian namesake, and he happens to have a similar sense of humour to me, so we often troll each other's statuses with terrible puns and end up having these little bad pun battles.

Just now he wrote "Off to the chiro" as his status.
Hilarity didn't ensue, but some pretty standard Egypt based puns did:
*Are you in da nile?
+E gypt me big time
*I bet he was a proper Giza
+I Sphinx you may be right!
*Nefer make that joke again.

+ = my my namesake's puns
* = my puns
(I think you'll agree mine are superior) :P

-----------------------------------------------------

Which reminds me of a funny Facebook/yourmum pun battle I had with another mate a couple of years ago.  It's [very] dated now, but I saved it for posterity.

Dave's Facebook Status:
David just facebooked your mum.....again.....
Me
I superpoked your mum's funwall. ;-)
Dave
yeah well, your mum LOVES it when i use pokepro all over her slide funspace! hehehe
Me
Oh yeh... well I went wall-to-wall with your mum after showing her my live feed.
Dave
I totally just tagged your mum right up her social profile....... ok this is just getting silly....
Me
Haha, funny though... I composed a new message all over your mum's privacy settings.
Dave
hahahaaha. I had a right good ol' look at your mums posted items, then commented all over her status...
Me
I flooded your mum's inbox with Spam!
Dave
HAHAHA, now thats a good'n! well played sir....

Mouth for war

#37
Fri 18/05/2012 13:49:05
Life is like a penis: simple, carefree, soft, meek and modest. It's women that make it hard!
mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer

Babar

#38
Fri 18/05/2012 18:17:32
Them, or idle hands :P
The ultimate Professional Amateur

Now, with his very own game: Alien Time Zone

Baron

#39
Sat 19/05/2012 04:18:30
What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler
Humphrey
[close]

Take that, low-brow jokesters!
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