Got this from an author forum I'm on and it's a good laugh. Basically this is one continuing story, each person can add only 4 words to it. They can be as zany or surreal as you like but should at least read like part of a proper sentence!
I'll start off with a traditional intro... and then someone else adds 4 words, and we just keep going and see where this leads us!
Once upon a time
THE STORY SO FAR (thanks Kumpel and S-Made for collating some of the chapters):
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a goat which fell from a magical floating train station on top of a high mountain. The goat died horribly. Suddenly a gigantic beetle appeared in a wizard's robe to play with his bits and ennoble his manhood. "I bestow the sobriquet Du'Ray'cell the Ever Ready with the power to summon an army of Little dry humping bunnies." The beetle placed his cigar between his mandibles eagerly waiting for the opening of the portal. The goat carcass began to get dry humped , it moisturized it's hump, All in attendance despaired the carcass was repaired. In walked Fred Astaire saying this ain't fair dancing without a care The goat yelled "baahhh. Itch gonna get paid unless I get laid" the goat was afraid. When Du'Ray'Cell heard this she suddenly turned into a sidestreet and parked. The trunk popped open a can of Pepsi filled with Coca Cola which ripped a hole the size of the Queen's largest corgi's head , flew out of the earth's atmosphere and landed on the planet of Uranus! It was lucky Chief Inspector Beetle Juice with his partner called in time to stop Hillary Clinton from destroying Bill's collection of rare used toilet paper rolls. If only Oceanspirit Denis knew about his terminal case of raging halitosis, then he would be not in this story. However, he was unaware that his breath stank but the Wizard smelt his behind. That smells like dayowlron's last meal. He quipped. Meanwhile, robots stormed into the water, corrupting their morality chips. Suddenly a gigantic blue tortoise appeared asking him to suspend his disbelief. He sank into the vat of pig lard and found the great white shark named Dave Seaman. His teeth were underestimated, like a Ronaldinho with cat-like reflexes! Dave told him that there would never be another cake like the first cake in life. But he already knew that she was coming. She, being the notorious cat burglar of the of the 1980's. Suddenly she fell flat down on top of the goat. This made a horn poke right through her red underpanties. So it goes without saying. Suddenly the Pepsi can exploded and a Coca-Cola wave flooded the AGS forums. Oceanspirit Dennis was taken aside by AGA to Dave Gilbert, who only survived when they grabbed the goat corpse and bent it over a inflated AGS survival raft. The brown liquid had goat blood in it. It started seeping into it's hooves. So the AGS lifeguard dove into the mysterious depths to pull out the plug that was located near the bottom of the rumpus room thread. Now everyone thought it was about time to refresh the browser window to check if now the end was not. The forums smell of soda like the ancient pagoda or a modern decoder or ZX Spectrum loader, what a foul odor. From the goats shoulder Dave laid there dying, asking "What? How? WHY?" as the egg protruded out of his gills. The egg cracked open in a pool of distressingly malodorous amniotic fluid. Then out came small wobbly purple tentacle. An ominous creature peeked through the amniotic fluid and a a red egg suddenly fell onto dave's corpse. The ominous creature vomited violently from it's massive mouth, as it slowly ate Daves mangled corpse with a satisfied burp. Meanwhile, Danvzare attempted to climp up the goat. Fred called Du'Ray'Cell and slyly reversed the charges so that he might celebrate his birthday with Puff, the magic dragon. But Puff didn't want any cake because he was allergic to rabbit and the buttercream contained copious rabbit droppings. Still, he managed to sneak out of the crowded room undetected, because he is as fast as a ninja with his pretty killer tasting toothpaste. And then it happened. Ooooooooooooooo, then it happened. The incredible happening happened! Like nothing before it. And like nothing since. It was oh so that someone or something would have been there just watching all the weasels traipse out of a back door somewhere, worshipping the goat cadaver in the hope that it would rise high but it didn't. Fifty minutes later they tried eating a Jill sandwich but they didn't have enough hot chlli sauce to make it taste like a good meal.
Chapter 2
The Bogeyman. He's scary.
Chapter 3
The incident with a dead goat has got to stop being referenced. It was an accident, that crashed into the dead goat's dead brother, Goaty McGoatface, and his cousin, Goatbert Goatington McGoatface who is unrelated to any goat that's breathing. The goat family decided to cull the herd so they visited the goathic church of the Holy Coptic Helicopter where everyone went on a rotory chip chop party wearing a pink tutu and a studded leather outfit for common bestiality. Everyone looked so pretty! Then the event began engulfed in a cloud of smoke, the goats gasped for free clean air, in an attempt to escape the matrix. Finding itself surprisingly trapped in the irrational course that is life, they began meditating violently. This caused structural damage in the space time continuum... Bad stuff then happened... ..., despite many complacent predictions, things had suddenly gone pear-shaped. However, no one ever heard from the goat again. And that was the beginning of the apocalypse. Sticky was the apocolypse, it never went away but stayed suspended in "Fireballs-in-face" stage thinking "what is this madness about goat corpses that keeps popping up?" Just then, a goat decided to prove her strength in a contest of wits, despite how desperate it tried to think of a reason not to start with no functional frontal lobe but could not find neither heads or tails of its relatives. This shocking revelation made it convulse uncontrollably for hours until he come and me wan' go home in the daylight hours of Raccoon City's airport. Apo the Apocalypse knew that the end was not yet in sight and so she hired an army of squirrels to ravish the land. The squirrels began by summoning an ancient, dead Lollypop lady complete with her beloved, dead, hircine. The lady then exploded and to everyone's relief she wasn't radioactive. After removing her bits from from their fluffy tails, the squirrels decided to throw a dancing party! During the party, the absolute best samba moves were nothing compared to the Doritos served at Sid's bar. They then released salsa from the salsa reservoir, and flooded the dance floor with spicy tomato sauce and sticky cheddar cheese. By sheer luck, the cheese was tasty and delicious but also very fattening. "Oh cheese! to thee I give ye a golden opportunity to be eaten by me." The music became more lively as the storm approached and the summoning began to bring together all ducks and whales to party like it's 1999 and summon the lollypop to the other side of the college campus for the lady with large hair and bigger hircine than before, was completely lost in this perplexingly metaphysical ritualistic conundrum. And then it ended. And the sun rose... and the moon ripened... and the night faded. And then it happened! And it happened again! Harold's uncontrollable flatulence was in fact the big secret ingredient of the three tier wedding cake. Who got married? That will remain a mystery. Even to those married.
Chapter 4
A new beginning was in order to correct the mistakes made by malodorous creatures with goat flat feet.
It would be challenging to convince the judge to convict the goat.
Even with the mountains flattened because of the huge flying saucer that Du'Ray'Cell summoned to undo The never ending bunny.
But still, they would carry on dancing merrily round the mulberry bush.
It was said that two wise homeless men died when they saw the unfathomable darkness of solitude and monkeys which enjoyed dining on mouldy goat carcasses covered in sweet putrefied flesh and even sweeter royal icing.
It was a feast, not for the eyes but for the small intestine of the lesser known heroes of the realm of flatulence.
Several goats joined the feast, showing appallingly bad taste in regards to their choice of Hawaiian shorts and heavy snow jackets.
But it worked, and the fashion police came rejoicing greatly about the goatskin jackets that the fedora wearing american archeologist had found in Tutankhamun's chamber pot, leading to the goat's conviction happening, a.k.a. The GCH.
Every time it rains, the goats are herded into coffee shops where they sit and gossip about greener grass on the back of a giant pimple.
Suddenly, the coffee, which was formerly delicious, became rather lukewarm, like the semen of a shaggy Arabian horse.
Then, in unison, people started to yell "Hakuna Matata!".
And suddenly they all grew horns and hooves and galloped into the mouth of a giant thermonuclear reactor core, which caused them to become superheroes who fought against people staring at goats.
Twenty years later, the horrendous smell of their feces could be used to seduce a large group of trolls into relinquishing the secret to the island of monkeys where people go to read Agatha Christie novels and spread their sweaty skin all over.
Meanwhile, the polar caps continued to be exploited by Santa and his shameless nudist elves, who loved to put their tiny asses in the snow.
It was ironic because elves always complain about how the cold snow makes their feet swallow.
Later, the goats eventually settled their differences with a roshambo tournament; however, due to their hooves they couldn't quite walk nor rashambo each other.
Unfortunately it was the final round of the popular game known as "Eat Your Own Head While Jumping On One", a traditional pastime in the outermost reaches of Flatheadia.
The naughty spanking of apple trees in your area is a way to distract the public from truth that Tycho Magnetic Anomalies happen, even if you don't yet notice them happening.
Which is all very Christmas and a happy gay old time for humbug-loving aardvark mutatants, considering the fact that most them don't even have a pre-frontal cortex but they do have a good sense of whether or not they're genuinely funny, or just desperately trying to get a glimpse of the second sun.
"Enough!" said Gurok, who ironically was the cause for the first sun becoming too "mainstream" for the goats.
Chapter 5
On the side of bread that's not buttered is the buttered side.
My brain hurts now, a pulsing reminder of how life feels when you realize that butter is sometimes tangentially transient.
But butter can also create a feeling of deep obsession, on account of the polish milkladies who smear it on liberally when hunky firefighters take a break from fighting fire and sipping non-alcoholic cocktails.
This is a testament to their quite incredible butter skills and their copious amounts of churned cream.
If you think that's crazy, just wait till you hear about what they like to do to with goat milk!
They never seen the face sophisticated pasteurization protocols until the goat butter machine went offline due to unprecedented server load.
The only silver lining was the small quantity of butter that was found when the mythical dairy vault was opened with the skeleton key revealed the day before.
"I hereby declare you goat and therefore you must now leave", the overseer said.
"What's going on?!" cried the master pasteurizer, revealing presently his intent to cause untold mayhem, by releasing a fourth side to the three-sided Triangle of Unintentional Doom.
The triangle of WHAT?
The Triangle of DOOM.
And thus the universe was never the same.
At the end of the day, all goats went to bed early, only to find that their testicles had developed the ability to commit inexcusable sin.
When seals would rub their flippers together vigorously, the heat becomes unbearable in seconds.
If anyone is getting mixed signals from this continuous stream of disconnected sentence fragments, we apologise.
We apologize so much, that an apology alone seems worthless in comparison to the hopeless desperation of basement dwelling nerds.
Chapter 6
A loud noise was heard coming from the Polish milkladies who had dropped ALL the jugs of goat milk.
But they were not fired because of their amazing lawyers.
Good to have someone to call when the going gets tough, because these ladies were summoned by the great God Of Dairy Products, Da'r-EE-Le'e, whose face was that of Nicolas Cage wearing John Travolta's face.
"Grease" or "Battlefield Earth"? asked the iridescent ponies, who got punished instantly by Roger Ebert's ghost.
Later, the goats heard that their herd was heard, although they quietly hoard horribly hairy hats.
Suddenly, a giant blue whale swam by, blowing whale-sized spit balls at God, which is ironic because God had just made the whale so strong that even the other Gods said, "Holy shit! He's dead!"
It was clear that this could never have been foreseen by the oracle conveniently hidden in plain sight.
That said, the oracle's mysterious words transcended time and space.
"Far out, dude," said the omniscient observer to his plant named Chuck.
Chuck didn't reply, but grew some more leaves.
The observer, LeChuck Junior, then decided to write strongly worded letters to his proctologist.
These letters were so red that it was a pain and a pleasure for all those in attendance when they were read by computers, double speed.
Nobody could ever think that the goats were down with the sickness and gifted with madness.
Because they had certificates of authenticity, these goats were worth quite a goat-load of money.
Then Lechuck Junior gave ClickClickClick as goat food to the goat god.
The goat god was actually Billy Connolly.
He liked ClickClickClick's taste, but the aftertaste was bitter.
Afterwards, the goat god made an eleventh Commandment dictating that goats, henceforth, should only wear fluorescent cheap sheep wool caps.
Naturally, the sheep were afraid of luminous water and cheese wheels, so they decided to convert to a new religion where goats don't need to be involved.
This made fluorescent caps go up in market value so goats couldn't afford their strangely iridescent headgear which would sit atop the fourth wall.
Then many beautiful goat maidens were chosen to become, like so many before, chefs to the octopus overlords worshiping golden idols of Bob the Builder.
Chapter 7
7921 years prior, Mister Wigglebottom was watering his watermelon patch when he discovered a hole in the space-time continuum, leading refreshening lemonade through a funnel, then a sieve, then a series of interconnected tubes, ultimately spilling out into the open, nebulous black of space.
Afraid of what he might encounter.
The great space explorer Rex Wilco whipped off his pink flesh, revealing his skeleton.
Rex then started singing, playing bones like xylophones, rhyming verses that should never ever be rhymed.
His song ascended into a funky beat, reminiscent of a funkier time. And then he jumped cause they said so.
Who are they?
Well, it's hard to say.
Starting at the beginning, there was a goat-shaped cloud, an omen of goats to come.
And how they came.
But how they came to coming was how they left the flock.
"Silence!" bellowed a presumptuous armadillo with rainbow hair and a butt tattoo of a bean burrito.
"Without a doubt, this is a most delicious burrito!" Exclaimed the armadillo.
"Not so fast," snapped a snapping turtle named Snappy the Snapitious Snapitor, of Snapping Snappton.
The way he said it implied deep knowledge of speed.
Indeed, he is a renowned master of "Gotta Go Fast" theory.
"Sooooo you think you can dance? Show me."
Slow and sexy he performed the paso doble, which was a very awkward dance, performed solo.
"Not bad but you could use a partner."
Here, take this one, the Armadillo said as he openend his big satchel of inflatable dolls.
One for you and you and you and...him.
"Now let's see if you're good enough to dance upside-down, darling," he quipped as the room slowly began to rotate slowly and then slowly even slower.
Finally he found viagra flavoured water in his sexy looking inflatable doll.
Drinking it quickly, he got Smurf blue teeth.
"What? No boner?" he shoutet at his penis, sputtering blue liquid everywhere.
"WHY!?!" He screamed.
Suddenly his teeth started to grow quite rapidly.
Tusks began to form, and, realizing this, the armadillo shouted thrilled "It's alive!!!"
Chapter 8
It was the best time for a nuclear meltdown.
But Snappy didn't like eating Plutonium sauce without an uranium topping, so he uncorked a bottle of his finest North Korean nuke flavoured vomit with carrot chunks, applying them generously with radiant whip cream and succulent hippopotamus rump steak.
"This hippo meat originated from my wife, who can't stand the pressure of being married to Ol' Snappy here," he claimed.
"I hope she doesn't mind if I eat her." Snappy then opened a secret compartment revealing an inter-dimensional portal in orange and blue gift wrapping, that never was activated.
He then went through the portal, just to find out where it led.
Little computer people looked at the end credits, surprised by the hidden meaning of "No animals were harmed during the making of this sentence".
Strange to think that only yesterday he was recovering from sentence-induced wounds.
Crying, a thing he never knew existed until now.
Laughing, a thing he practiced copiously, albeit with little enthusiasm.
When goats laugh, they usually blow trumpeting sounds from their anal openings while yelling furiously at each other's parents in incoherent haiku.
When goats cry, everything falls apart, literally everything.
But goat tears form shapes nobody would ever want to see described.
Out of the blue AGS cup, came a disgusting smell that was somewhat like rotting skunk or a McDonald's burger.
Snappy took a sip, "gaak! schwaa! blurgh! EEEEEEeeeeeeee..." he cried, melting into a goat-shaped puddle of putrescent, sizzling, multi-colored slime.
The slime then began to take the form of Old Snappy but this time he had mutations, including terrible bulging forearms and an appetite like a goat in heat.
Feeling like someone who could take on a drunk mall Santa, this monstrous Snappy mutation began to rampage through a tulip garden.
Ironically, this garden was poisoned, which made him even more determined to find solace among the trees.
A friendly bird came to warn Snappy of the poisoned tulip garden hidden deep within the past, and he remembered.
He remembered the tumoils, the tumors, and turmoils, tortoises, turtles and terrapins, tortillas, traffic cones, and turgid topaz-tinted tarantulas tearing through the terrain.
This needless alliteration was also an arbitrary agitation, aggravating Albert and Anita, amazingly activating artificial anacondas slithering sideways so skillfully.
Suddenly Snappy sought salvation.
there was a goat
which fell from a
magical floating train station
on top of a
high mountain. The goat
died horribly. Suddenly a
gigantic beetle appeared in
a wizard's robe to
play with his bits.
and ennoble his manhood.
"I bestow the sobriquet
Du'Ray'cell the Ever Ready
with the power to
Spoiler
Yeah, I've played these before and they are a lot of fun, especially when the story is assembled every ten pages or so (laugh)
summon an army of
Little dry humping bunnies.
" The beetle placed his
cigar between his mandibles
eagerly waiting for the
opening of the portal.
The goat carcass began
to get dry humped
*Considering nobody has continued this yet, I understand that I am sick, and I will seek professional help immediately!
, it moisturized it's hump,
All in attendance despaired
the carcass was repaired.
In walked Fred Astaire
saying this ain't fair
dancing without a care
The goat yelled "baahhh"
"itch gonna get paid"
"unless I get laid"
the goat was afraid.
When Du'Ray'Cell heard this
she suddenly turned into
a sidestreet and parked.
The trunk popped open
a can of Pepsi
filled with Coca Cola
which ripped a hole
the size of the
Queen's largest corgi's head
, flew out of the
@Danzvazare
Spoiler
QuoteThe trunk popped open a can of Pepsi filled with Coca Cola which ripped a hole the size of the Queen's largest corgi's head flew out of the ...
Please add a comma in front of "flew"?!
earth's atmosphere and landed
on the planet of
Uranus! It was lucky
Chief Inspector Beetle Juice
with his partner called
in time to stop
Hillary Clinton from destroying
Bill's collection of rare
used toilet paper rolls
. If only Oceanspirit Denis
knew about his terminal
case of raging halitosis
, then he would be
not in this story.
However, he was unaware
that his breath stank
but the Wizard smelt
his behind. That smells
like my last meal.
He quipped. Meanwhile, robots
stormed into the water
, corrupting their morality chips.
Suddenly a gigantic blue
tortoise appeared asking him
to suspend his disbelief.
He sank into the
vat of pig lard
and found the great
white shark named Dave
Seaman. His teeth were
underestimated, like a Ronaldinho
with cat-like reflexes!
Dave told him that
There would never be
another cake like the
first cake in life.
But he already knew
that she was coming.
She, being the notorious
cat burglar of the
of the 1980's. Suddenly
she fell flat down
on top of the
goat. This made a
horn poke right through
her red underpanties. So
it goes without saying.
Suddenly the Pepsi can exploded
and a Coca-Cola wave
flooded the AGS forums.
Oceanspirit Dennis was taken
aside by AGA to
Dave Gilbert, who only
survived when they grabbed
the goat corpse and
bent it over a
inflated AGS survival raft.
The brown liquid had
goat blood in it.
It started seeping into
it's hooves. So the
AGS lifeguard dove into
the mysterious depths to
pull out the plug
that was located near
the bottom of the
rumpus room thread. Now
everyone thought it was
about time to refresh
the browser window to
check if now the
end.
It was not.
The forums smell of soda
like the ancient pagoda
or a modern decoder
or ZX Spectrum loader
, what a foul odor.
From the goats shoulder.
Dave laid there dying
asking "What? How? WHY?????????????"
as the egg protruded
out of his gills.
The egg cracked open
in a pool of
distressingly malodorous amniotic fluid
then out came a
small wobbly purple tentacle.
An ominous creature peeked through
the amniotic fluid and
a red egg suddenly
fell onto dave's corpse.
The ominous creature vomited
violently from it's massive
mouth, as it slowly
ate Daves mangled corpse.
With a satisfied burp
. Meanwhile, Danvzare attempted to
climp up the goat.
Fred called Du'Ray'Cell and
slyly reversed the charges
so that he might
celebrate his birthday with
Puff, the magic dragon.
But Puff didn't want
any cake because he
was allergic to rabbit
and the buttercream contained
copious rabbit droppings. Still,
he managed to sneak
out of the crowded
room undetected, because he
is as fast as
a ninja with his
pretty killer tasting toothpaste.
And then it happened.
Ooooooooooooooo, then it happened.
The incredible happening happened!
Like nothing before it.
And like nothing since.
It was oh so
that someone or something
would have been there
just watching all the
weasels traipse out of
a back door somewhere
, worshipping the goat cadaver
in the hope that
it would rise high
but it didn't. Fifty
minutes later they tried
eating a Jill sandwich
but they didn't have
enough hot chlli sauce
to make it taste
like a good meal.
Chapter 2 - The Bogeyman.
He's scary. Chapter 3 -
The incident with a
dead goat has got
to stop being referenced.
It was an accident,
that crashed into the
dead goat's dead brother
, Goaty McGoatface, and his
cousin, Goatbert Goatington McGoatface
who is unrelated to
any goat that's breathing.
The goat family decided
to cull the herd
so they visited the
goathic church of the
Holy Coptic Helicopter where
everyone went on a
rotory chip chop party
wearing a pink tutu
and a studded leather
outfit for common bestiality
. Everyone looked so pretty!
Then the event began
engulfed in a cloud
of smoke, the goats
gasped for free clean
air, in an attempt
to escape the matrix.
Finding itself surprisingly trapped
in the irrational course
that is life, they
began meditating violently. This
caused structural damage in
the space time continuum...
Bad stuff then happened...
..., despite many complacent predictions
, things had suddenly gone
gone pear-shaped. However,
no one ever heard
from the goat again.
And that was the
beginning of the apocalypse.
Sticky was the apocolypse,
it never went away
but stayed suspended in
"Fireballs-in-face" stage
thinking "what is this
madness about goat corpses
that keeps popping up?"
Just then, a goat
decided to prove her
strength in a contest
of wits, despite how
desperate it tried to
think of a reason
not to start with
no functional frontal lobe
but could not find
neither heads or tails
of its relatives. This
shocking revelation made it
convulse uncontrollably for hours
until he come and
me wan' go home
in the daylight hours
of Raccoon City's airport.
Apo the Apocalypse knew
that the end was
not yet in sight
and so she hired
an army of squirrels
to ravish the land.
The squirrels began by
summoning an ancient, dead
Lollypop lady complete with
her beloved, dead, hircine
. The lady then exploded
and to everyone's relief
she wasn't radioactive. After
removing her bits from
from their fluffy tails,
the squirrels decided to
throw a dancing party!
During the party, the
absolute best samba moves
were nothing compared to
the Doritos served at
Sid's bar. They then
released salsa from the
salsa reservoir, and flooded
the dance floor with
spicy tomato sauce and
sticky cheddar cheese. By
sheer luck, the cheese
was tasty and delicious
but also very fattening.
Oh cheese! to thee
I give ye a
golden opportunity to be
eaten by me. The
music became more lively
as the storm approached
and the summoning began
to bring together all
ducks and whales to
party like it's 1999
and summon the lollypop
to the other side
of the college campus
for the lady with
large hair and bigger
hircine than before, was
completely lost in this
perplexingly metaphysical ritualistic conundrum.
And then it ended.
And the sun rose...
and the moon ripened...
and the night faded.
And then it happened!
And it happened again!
Harold's uncontrollable flatulence was
in fact the big
secret ingredient of the
three tier wedding cake.
Who got married? That
will remain a mystery.
Even to those married.
I found the time to sum up the first 8 pages of this amazing story with slight changes in grammar and replacing a me with the poster's name :)
Maybe CaptainD or Snarky could add it to the first post.
Once upon a time there was a goat which fell from a magical floating train station on top of a high mountain. The goat died horribly. Suddenly a gigantic beetle appeared in a wizard's robe to play with his bits and ennoble his manhood. "I bestow the sobriquet Du'Ray'cell the Ever Ready with the power to summon an army of Little dry humping bunnies." The beetle placed his cigar between his mandibles eagerly waiting for the opening of the portal. The goat carcass began to get dry humped , it moisturized it's hump, All in attendance despaired the carcass was repaired. In walked Fred Astaire saying this ain't fair dancing without a care The goat yelled "baahhh. Itch gonna get paid unless I get laid" the goat was afraid. When Du'Ray'Cell heard this she suddenly turned into a sidestreet and parked. The trunk popped open a can of Pepsi filled with Coca Cola which ripped a hole the size of the Queen's largest corgi's head , flew out of the earth's atmosphere and landed on the planet of Uranus! It was lucky Chief Inspector Beetle Juice with his partner called in time to stop Hillary Clinton from destroying Bill's collection of rare used toilet paper rolls. If only Oceanspirit Denis knew about his terminal case of raging halitosis, then he would be not in this story. However, he was unaware that his breath stank but the Wizard smelt his behind. That smells like dayowlron's last meal. He quipped. Meanwhile, robots stormed into the water, corrupting their morality chips. Suddenly a gigantic blue tortoise appeared asking him to suspend his disbelief. He sank into the vat of pig lard and found the great white shark named Dave Seaman. His teeth were underestimated, like a Ronaldinho with cat-like reflexes! Dave told him that there would never be another cake like the first cake in life. But he already knew that she was coming. She, being the notorious cat burglar of the of the 1980's. Suddenly she fell flat down on top of the goat. This made a horn poke right through her red underpanties. So it goes without saying. Suddenly the Pepsi can exploded and a Coca-Cola wave flooded the AGS forums. Oceanspirit Dennis was taken aside by AGA to Dave Gilbert, who only survived when they grabbed the goat corpse and bent it over a inflated AGS survival raft. The brown liquid had goat blood in it. It started seeping into it's hooves. So the AGS lifeguard dove into the mysterious depths to pull out the plug that was located near the bottom of the rumpus room thread. Now everyone thought it was about time to refresh the browser window to check if now the end was not. The forums smell of soda like the ancient pagoda or a modern decoder or ZX Spectrum loader, what a foul odor. From the goats shoulder Dave laid there dying, asking "What? How? WHY?" as the egg protruded out of his gills. The egg cracked open in a pool of distressingly malodorous amniotic fluid. Then out came small wobbly purple tentacle. An ominous creature peeked through the amniotic fluid and a a red egg suddenly fell onto dave's corpse. The ominous creature vomited violently from it's massive mouth, as it slowly ate Daves mangled corpse with a satisfied burp. Meanwhile, Danvzare attempted to climp up the goat. Fred called Du'Ray'Cell and slyly reversed the charges so that he might celebrate his birthday with Puff, the magic dragon. But Puff didn't want any cake because he was allergic to rabbit and the buttercream contained copious rabbit droppings. Still, he managed to sneak out of the crowded room undetected, because he is as fast as a ninja with his pretty killer tasting toothpaste. And then it happened. Ooooooooooooooo, then it happened. The incredible happening happened! Like nothing before it.
The next 8 pages will follow soon, as long as nobody else will do it in the meantime. :P
Let's continue:
Fourth Chapter:
A new
beginning was in order
(Thanks for collating, I've added it to the first post :-D)
to correct the mistakes
made by malodorous creatures
with goat flat feet.
It would be challenging
to convince the judge
to convict the goat.
Even with the mountains
flattened because of the
huge flying saucer that
Du'Ray'Cell summoned to undo
Pages 8 to 16 (wtf)
And like nothing since. It was oh so that someone or something would have been there just watching all the weasels traipse out of a back door somewhere, worshipping the goat cadaver in the hope that it would rise high but it didn't. Fifty minutes later they tried eating a Jill sandwich but they didn't have enough hot chlli sauce to make it taste like a good meal.
Chapter 2 - The Bogeyman.
He's scary.
Chapter 3 - The incident with a dead goat has got to stop being referenced.
It was an accident, that crashed into the dead goat's dead brother, Goaty McGoatface, and his cousin, Goatbert Goatington McGoatface who is unrelated to any goat that's breathing. The goat family decided to cull the herd so they visited the goathic church of the Holy Coptic Helicopter where everyone went on a rotory chip chop party wearing a pink tutu and a studded leather outfit for common bestiality. Everyone looked so pretty! Then the event began engulfed in a cloud of smoke, the goats gasped for free clean air, in an attempt to escape the matrix. Finding itself surprisingly trapped in the irrational course that is life, they began meditating violently. This caused structural damage in the space time continuum... Bad stuff then happened... ..., despite many complacent predictions, things had suddenly gone pear-shaped. However, no one ever heard from the goat again. And that was the beginning of the apocalypse. Sticky was the apocolypse, it never went away but stayed suspended in "Fireballs-in-face" stage thinking "what is this madness about goat corpses that keeps popping up?" Just then, a goat decided to prove her strength in a contest of wits, despite how desperate it tried to think of a reason not to start with no functional frontal lobe but could not find neither heads or tails of its relatives. This shocking revelation made it convulse uncontrollably for hours until he come and me wan' go home in the daylight hours of Raccoon City's airport. Apo the Apocalypse knew that the end was not yet in sight and so she hired an army of squirrels to ravish the land. The squirrels began by summoning an ancient, dead Lollypop lady complete with her beloved, dead, hircine. The lady then exploded and to everyone's relief she wasn't radioactive. After removing her bits from from their fluffy tails, the squirrels decided to throw a dancing party! During the party, the absolute best samba moves were nothing compared to the Doritos served at Sid's bar. They then released salsa from the salsa reservoir, and flooded the dance floor with spicy tomato sauce and sticky cheddar cheese. By sheer luck, the cheese was tasty and delicious but also very fattening. "Oh cheese! to thee I give ye a golden opportunity to be eaten by me." The music became more lively as the storm approached and the summoning began to bring together all ducks and whales to party like it's 1999 and summon the lollypop to the other side of the college campus for the lady with large hair and bigger hircine than before, was completely lost in this perplexingly metaphysical ritualistic conundrum. And then it ended. And the sun rose... and the moon ripened... and the night faded. And then it happened! And it happened again! Harold's uncontrollable flatulence was in fact the big secret ingredient of the three tier wedding cake. Who got married? That will remain a mystery. Even to those married.
Happy continues!
the never ending bunny.
But still, they would
THE STORY SO FAR
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a goat which fell from a magical floating train station on top of a high mountain. The goat died horribly. Suddenly a gigantic beetle appeared in a wizard's robe to play with his bits and ennoble his manhood. "I bestow the sobriquet Du'Ray'cell the Ever Ready with the power to summon an army of Little dry humping bunnies." The beetle placed his cigar between his mandibles eagerly waiting for the opening of the portal. The goat carcass began to get dry humped , it moisturized it's hump, All in attendance despaired the carcass was repaired. In walked Fred Astaire saying this ain't fair dancing without a care The goat yelled "baahhh. Itch gonna get paid unless I get laid" the goat was afraid. When Du'Ray'Cell heard this she suddenly turned into a sidestreet and parked. The trunk popped open a can of Pepsi filled with Coca Cola which ripped a hole the size of the Queen's largest corgi's head , flew out of the earth's atmosphere and landed on the planet of Uranus! It was lucky Chief Inspector Beetle Juice with his partner called in time to stop Hillary Clinton from destroying Bill's collection of rare used toilet paper rolls. If only Oceanspirit Denis knew about his terminal case of raging halitosis, then he would be not in this story. However, he was unaware that his breath stank but the Wizard smelt his behind. That smells like dayowlron's last meal. He quipped. Meanwhile, robots stormed into the water, corrupting their morality chips. Suddenly a gigantic blue tortoise appeared asking him to suspend his disbelief. He sank into the vat of pig lard and found the great white shark named Dave Seaman. His teeth were underestimated, like a Ronaldinho with cat-like reflexes! Dave told him that there would never be another cake like the first cake in life. But he already knew that she was coming. She, being the notorious cat burglar of the of the 1980's. Suddenly she fell flat down on top of the goat. This made a horn poke right through her red underpanties. So it goes without saying. Suddenly the Pepsi can exploded and a Coca-Cola wave flooded the AGS forums. Oceanspirit Dennis was taken aside by AGA to Dave Gilbert, who only survived when they grabbed the goat corpse and bent it over a inflated AGS survival raft. The brown liquid had goat blood in it. It started seeping into it's hooves. So the AGS lifeguard dove into the mysterious depths to pull out the plug that was located near the bottom of the rumpus room thread. Now everyone thought it was about time to refresh the browser window to check if now the end was not. The forums smell of soda like the ancient pagoda or a modern decoder or ZX Spectrum loader, what a foul odor. From the goats shoulder Dave laid there dying, asking "What? How? WHY?" as the egg protruded out of his gills. The egg cracked open in a pool of distressingly malodorous amniotic fluid. Then out came small wobbly purple tentacle. An ominous creature peeked through the amniotic fluid and a a red egg suddenly fell onto dave's corpse. The ominous creature vomited violently from it's massive mouth, as it slowly ate Daves mangled corpse with a satisfied burp. Meanwhile, Danvzare attempted to climp up the goat. Fred called Du'Ray'Cell and slyly reversed the charges so that he might celebrate his birthday with Puff, the magic dragon. But Puff didn't want any cake because he was allergic to rabbit and the buttercream contained copious rabbit droppings. Still, he managed to sneak out of the crowded room undetected, because he is as fast as a ninja with his pretty killer tasting toothpaste. And then it happened. Ooooooooooooooo, then it happened. The incredible happening happened! Like nothing before it. And like nothing since. It was oh so that someone or something would have been there just watching all the weasels traipse out of a back door somewhere, worshipping the goat cadaver in the hope that it would rise high but it didn't. Fifty minutes later they tried eating a Jill sandwich but they didn't have enough hot chlli sauce to make it taste like a good meal.
Chapter 2
The Bogeyman. He's scary.
Chapter 3
The incident with a dead goat has got to stop being referenced. It was an accident, that crashed into the dead goat's dead brother, Goaty McGoatface, and his cousin, Goatbert Goatington McGoatface who is unrelated to any goat that's breathing. The goat family decided to cull the herd so they visited the goathic church of the Holy Coptic Helicopter where everyone went on a rotory chip chop party wearing a pink tutu and a studded leather outfit for common bestiality. Everyone looked so pretty! Then the event began engulfed in a cloud of smoke, the goats gasped for free clean air, in an attempt to escape the matrix. Finding itself surprisingly trapped in the irrational course that is life, they began meditating violently. This caused structural damage in the space time continuum... Bad stuff then happened... ..., despite many complacent predictions, things had suddenly gone pear-shaped. However, no one ever heard from the goat again. And that was the beginning of the apocalypse. Sticky was the apocolypse, it never went away but stayed suspended in "Fireballs-in-face" stage thinking "what is this madness about goat corpses that keeps popping up?" Just then, a goat decided to prove her strength in a contest of wits, despite how desperate it tried to think of a reason not to start with no functional frontal lobe but could not find neither heads or tails of its relatives. This shocking revelation made it convulse uncontrollably for hours until he come and me wan' go home in the daylight hours of Raccoon City's airport. Apo the Apocalypse knew that the end was not yet in sight and so she hired an army of squirrels to ravish the land. The squirrels began by summoning an ancient, dead Lollypop lady complete with her beloved, dead, hircine. The lady then exploded and to everyone's relief she wasn't radioactive. After removing her bits from from their fluffy tails, the squirrels decided to throw a dancing party! During the party, the absolute best samba moves were nothing compared to the Doritos served at Sid's bar. They then released salsa from the salsa reservoir, and flooded the dance floor with spicy tomato sauce and sticky cheddar cheese. By sheer luck, the cheese was tasty and delicious but also very fattening. "Oh cheese! to thee I give ye a golden opportunity to be eaten by me." The music became more lively as the storm approached and the summoning began to bring together all ducks and whales to party like it's 1999 and summon the lollypop to the other side of the college campus for the lady with large hair and bigger hircine than before, was completely lost in this perplexingly metaphysical ritualistic conundrum. And then it ended. And the sun rose... and the moon ripened... and the night faded. And then it happened! And it happened again! Harold's uncontrollable flatulence was in fact the big secret ingredient of the three tier wedding cake. Who got married? That will remain a mystery. Even to those married.
Chapter 4
A new beginning was in order to correct the mistakes made by malodorous creatures with goat flat feet. It would be challenging to convince the judge to convict the goat. Even with the mountains flattened because of the huge flying saucer that Du'Ray'Cell summoned to undo The never ending bunny. But still, they would
carry on dancing merrily
round the mulberry bush.
It was said that
two wise homeless men
died when they saw
the unfathomable darkness of
solitude and monkeys which
enjoyed dining on mouldy
goat carcasses covered in
sweet putrefied flesh and
even sweeter royal icing.
It was a feast
, not for the eyes
but for the small
intestine of the lesser
known heroes of the
realm of flatulence. Several
goats joined the feast
, showing appallingly bad taste
in regards to their
choice of Hawaiian shorts
and heavy snow jackets.
But it worked, and
the fashion police came
rejoicing greatly about the
goatskin jackets that the
fedora wearing american archeologist
had found in Tutankhamun's
chamber pot, leading to
the goat's conviction happening
, a.k.a. The GCH. Every
time it rains, the
goats are herded into
coffee shops where they
sit and gossip about
greener grass on the
back of a giant
pimple. Suddenly, the coffee
, which was formerly delicious,
became rather lukewarm, like
the semen of a
shaggy Arabian horse. Then,
in unison, people started
to yell "Hakuna Matata!".
And suddenly they all
grew horns and hooves
and galloped into the
mouth of a giant
thermonuclear reactor core, which
caused them to become
superheroes who fought against
people staring at goats
. Twenty years later, the
horrendous smell of their
feces could be used
to seduce a large
group of trolls into
relinquishing the secret to
the island of monkeys
where people go to
read Agatha Christie novels
and spread their sweaty
skin all over. Meanwhile,
the polar caps continued
to be exploited by
Santa and his shameless
nudist elves, who loved
to put their tiny
asses in the snow.
It was ironic because
elves always complain about
how the cold snow
makes their feet swallow.
Later, the goats eventually
settled their differences with
a roshambo tournament; however,
due to their hooves
they couldn't quite walk
nor rashambo each other.
Unfortunately it was the
final round of the
popular game known as
"Eat Your Own Head"
"While jumping on one"
, a traditional pastime in
the outermost reaches of
Flatheadia. The naughty spanking
of apple trees in
your area is a
way to distract the
public from truth that
Tycho Magnetic Anomalies happen
, even if you don't
yet notice them happening.
Which is all very
Christmas and a happy
gay old time for
humbug-loving aardvark mutatants
, considering the fact that
most them don't even
have a pre-frontal cortex
but they do have
a good sense of
whether or not they're
genuinely funny, or just
desperately trying to get
a glimpse of the
second sun. "Enough!" said
Gurok, who ironically was
the cause for the
first sun becoming too
"mainstream" for the goats.
And here is the summary for chapter 4:
A new beginning was in order to correct the mistakes made by malodorous creatures with goat flat feet.
It would be challenging to convince the judge to convict the goat.
Even with the mountains flattened because of the huge flying saucer that Du'Ray'Cell summoned to undo The never ending bunny.
But still, they would carry on dancing merrily round the mulberry bush.
It was said that two wise homeless men died when they saw the unfathomable darkness of solitude and monkeys which enjoyed dining on mouldy goat carcasses covered in sweet putrefied flesh and even sweeter royal icing.
It was a feast, not for the eyes but for the small intestine of the lesser known heroes of the realm of flatulence.
Several goats joined the feast, showing appallingly bad taste in regards to their choice of Hawaiian shorts and heavy snow jackets.
But it worked, and the fashion police came rejoicing greatly about the goatskin jackets that the fedora wearing american archeologist had found in Tutankhamun's chamber pot, leading to the goat's conviction happening, a.k.a. The GCH.
Every time it rains, the goats are herded into coffee shops where they sit and gossip about greener grass on the back of a giant pimple.
Suddenly, the coffee, which was formerly delicious, became rather lukewarm, like the semen of a shaggy Arabian horse.
Then, in unison, people started to yell "Hakuna Matata!".
And suddenly they all grew horns and hooves and galloped into the mouth of a giant thermonuclear reactor core, which caused them to become superheroes who fought against people staring at goats.
Twenty years later, the horrendous smell of their feces could be used to seduce a large group of trolls into relinquishing the secret to the island of monkeys where people go to read Agatha Christie novels and spread their sweaty skin all over.
Meanwhile, the polar caps continued to be exploited by Santa and his shameless nudist elves, who loved to put their tiny asses in the snow.
It was ironic because elves always complain about how the cold snow makes their feet swallow.
Later, the goats eventually settled their differences with a roshambo tournament; however, due to their hooves they couldn't quite walk nor rashambo each other.
Unfortunately it was the final round of the popular game known as "Eat Your Own Head While Jumping On One", a traditional pastime in the outermost reaches of Flatheadia.
The naughty spanking of apple trees in your area is a way to distract the public from truth that Tycho Magnetic Anomalies happen, even if you don't yet notice them happening.
Which is all very Christmas and a happy gay old time for humbug-loving aardvark mutatants, considering the fact that most them don't even have a pre-frontal cortex but they do have a good sense of whether or not they're genuinely funny, or just desperately trying to get a glimpse of the second sun.
"Enough!" said Gurok, who ironically was the cause for the first sun becoming too "mainstream" for the goats.
(laugh)(laugh)(laugh) My vote for best sentence in that chapter:
'Meanwhile, the polar caps continued to be exploited by Santa and his shameless nudist elves, who loved to put their tiny asses in the snow.'
This looks like fun. May I presume to begin the next chapter? Here we go:
On the side of
Thanks S-Made - the entire story so far in all its' dubious glory can now be found in the first post.
Here we go for Chapter 5 - her'es dactylopus' starter and my rejoinder:
Chapter 5
On the side of bread that's not buttered
is the buttered side.
My brain hurts now
, a pulsing reminder of
how life feels when
you realize that butter
is sometimes tangentially transient
. But butter can also
create a feeling of
deep obsession, on account
of the polish milkladies
who smear it on
liberally when hunky firefighters
take a break from
fighting fire and sipping
non-alcoholic cocktails. This is
a testament to their
quite incredible butter skills
and their copious amounts
of churned cream. If
you think that's crazy,
just wait till you
hear about what they
like to do to
with goat milk! They
never seen the face
sophisticated pasteurization protocols until
the goat butter machine
went offline due to
unprecedented server load. The
only silver lining was
the small quantity of butter
that was found when
the mythical dairy vault
Spoiler
dactylopus is hereby sentenced to 10 years in AGS prison for using 5 words in the 4-word story thread
was opened with the
skeleton key revealed the
Quote from: CaptainD on Thu 10/08/2017 09:05:35
Spoiler
dactylopus is hereby sentenced to 10 years in AGS prison for using 5 words in the 4-word story thread
was opened with the
Spoiler
Dang, how did I miss that? I plead guilty and accept my sentence. :undecided:
day before. I hereby
declare you goat and
therefore you must now
leave, the overseer said.
"What's going on?!" cried
the master pasteurizer, revealing
presently his intent
to cause untold mayhem
Spoiler
I see what you did there! :-D
, by releasing a fourth
side to the three-sided
Triangle of Unintentional Doom.
The triangle of WHAT?
Spoiler
No seriously, that's my post
The Triangle of
DOOM.
Spoiler
Yes that's my post too :-D
And thus the universe
was never the same.
At the end of
the day, all goats
went to bed early
, only to find that
their testicles had developed
the ability to commit
inexcusable sin. When seals
would rub their flippers
together vigorously, the heat
becomes unbearable in seconds.
Spoiler
Are we writing the weirdest porn here? Is someone getting off on this?
Quote from: ClickClickClick on Thu 17/08/2017 22:44:42
Spoiler
Are we writing the weirdest porn here? Is someone getting off on this?
Spoiler
I sure hope not...
If anyone is getting
mixed signals from this
continuous stream of disconnected
sentence fragments, we apologise.
We apologize so much
, that an apology alone
seems worthless in comparison
to the hopeless desperation
of basement dwelling nerds.
Summary of chapter 5:
On the side of bread that's not buttered is the buttered side.
My brain hurts now, a pulsing reminder of how life feels when you realize that butter is sometimes tangentially transient.
But butter can also create a feeling of deep obsession, on account of the polish milkladies who smear it on liberally when hunky firefighters take a break from fighting fire and sipping non-alcoholic cocktails.
This is a testament to their quite incredible butter skills and their copious amounts of churned cream.
If you think that's crazy, just wait till you hear about what they like to do to with goat milk!
They never seen the face sophisticated pasteurization protocols until the goat butter machine went offline due to unprecedented server load.
The only silver lining was the small quantity of butter that was found when the mythical dairy vault was opened with the skeleton key revealed the day before.
"I hereby declare you goat and therefore you must now leave", the overseer said.
"What's going on?!" cried the master pasteurizer, revealing presently his intent to cause untold mayhem, by releasing a fourth side to the three-sided Triangle of Unintentional Doom.
The triangle of WHAT?
The Triangle of DOOM.
And thus the universe was never the same.
At the end of the day, all goats went to bed early, only to find that their testicles had developed the ability to commit inexcusable sin.
When seals would rub their flippers together vigorously, the heat becomes unbearable in seconds.
If anyone is getting mixed signals from this continuous stream of disconnected sentence fragments, we apologise.
We apologize so much, that an apology alone seems worthless in comparison to the hopeless desperation of basement dwelling nerds.
Chapter 6:
A loud noise was
heard coming from the
Polish milkladies who had
dropped ALL the jugs
of goat milk. But
they were not fired
because of their amazing
lawyers. Good to have
Spoiler
You wanted to steer it towards porn again, didn't you? :P
someone to call when
the going gets tough,
Quote from: ClickClickClick on Tue 22/08/2017 13:29:58
Spoiler
You wanted to steer it towards porn again, didn't you? :P
Spoiler
NO NO NO!
Spoiler
Though depending on who posted next, it could easily have gone that way >:(
Spoiler
Not that some need much excuse. (roll)
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
There is nothing here.
because these ladies were
summoned by the great
God Of Dairy Products,
Da'r-EE-Le'e, whose face was
that of Nicolas Cage
wearing John Travolta's face.
"Grease" or "Battlefield Earth"?
asked the iridescent ponies
, who got punished instantly
by Roger Ebert's ghost.
Later, the goats heard
that their herd was
heard, although they quietly
hoard horribly hairy hats.
Suddenly, a giant blue
whale swam by, blowing
whale-sized spit balls at
God, which is ironic
because God had just
made the whale so
strong that even the
other Gods said, "Holy
shit! He's dead!"
It was clear that
this could never have
been foreseen by the
oracle conveniently hidden in
plain sight. That said,
the oracle's mysterious words
transcended time and space.
"Far out, dude," said
the omniscient observer to
his plant named Chuck.
Chuck didn't reply, but
grew some more leaves.
The observer, LeChuck Junior,
then decided to write
strongly worded letters to
his proctologist. These letters
were so red that
it was a pain
and a pleasure for
all those in attendance
when they were read
by computers, double speed.
Nobody could ever think
that the goats were
down with the sickness
and gifted with madness.
Because they had certificates
of authenticity, these goats
were worth quite a
Spoiler
What's up with goats all the time? Some not-so-hidden agenda? :-D
goat-load of money.
Then Lechuck Junior gave
ClickClickClick as goat food
Spoiler
No agenda. Well, there's wasn't. There may be now! :grin:
to the goat god.
The goat god was
actually Billy Connolly. He
liked ClickClickClick's taste, but
the aftertaste was bitter.
Afterwards, the goat god
made an eleventh Commandment
dictating that goats, henceforth,
should only wear fluorescent
cheap sheep wool caps.
Naturally, the sheep were
afraid of luminous water
and cheese wheels, so
they decided to convert
to a new religion
where goats don't need
to be involved. This
made fluorescent caps go
up in market value
so goats couldn't afford
their strangely iridescent headgear
which would sit atop
the fourth wall. Then
many beautiful goat maidens
were chosen to become
, like so many before,
chefs to the octopus
overlords worshiping golden idols
of Bob the Builder.
7921 years prior, Mister
Wigglebottom was watering his
watermelon patch when he
discovered a hole in
the space-time continuum, leading
refreshening lemonade through a
funnel, then a sieve,
then a series of
interconnected tubes, ultimately spilling
out into the open
, nebulous black of space.
Afraid of what he
might encounter. The great
space explorer Rex Wilco
whipped off his pink
flesh, revealing his skeleton.
Rex then started singing
, playing bones like xylophones,
rhyming verses that should
never ever be rhymed.
His song ascended into
a funky beat, reminiscent
of a funkier time.
And then he jumped
cause they said so.
Who are they? Well,
it's hard to say.
Starting at the beginning,
there was a goat
-shaped cloud, an omen
of goats to come.
And how they came.
But how they came
to coming was how
they left the flock.
"Silence!" bellowed a presumptuous
armadillo with rainbow hair
and a butt tattoo
of a bean burrito.
"Without a doubt, this
is a most delicious
burrito!" Exclaimed the armadillo.
"Not so fast," snapped
a snapping turtle named
Snappy the Snapitious Snapitor,
of Snapping Snappton. The
way he said it
implied deep knowledge of
speed. Indeed, he is
a renowned master of
"Gotta Go Fast" theory.
"Sooooo you think you
can dance? Show me."
Slow and sexy he
performed the paso doble
, which was a very
awkward dance, performed solo.
"Not bad but you
could use a partner."
Here, take this one
, the Armadillo said as
he openend his big
satchel of inflatable dolls.
One for you and
you and you and
...him. "Now let's see
if you're good enough
to dance upside-down
, darling," he quipped as
the room slowly began
to rotate slowly and
then slowly even slower.
^^ this is fun!
Finally he found viagra
flavoured water in his
sexy looking inflatable doll.
Drinking it quickly, he
got Smurf blue teeth.
"What? No boner?" he
shoutet at his penis
, sputtering blue liquid everywhere.
"WHY!?!" He screamed. Suddenly
his teeth started to
grow quite rapidly. Tusks
began to form, and
, realizing this, the armadillo
shouted thrilled "It's alive!!!"
I propose to start a new chapter. Maybe CaptainD could add the summaries of the last three chapters to the first post?Spoiler
Chapter 5:
On the side of bread that's not buttered is the buttered side.
My brain hurts now, a pulsing reminder of how life feels when you realize that butter is sometimes tangentially transient.
But butter can also create a feeling of deep obsession, on account of the polish milkladies who smear it on liberally when hunky firefighters take a break from fighting fire and sipping non-alcoholic cocktails.
This is a testament to their quite incredible butter skills and their copious amounts of churned cream.
If you think that's crazy, just wait till you hear about what they like to do to with goat milk!
They never seen the face sophisticated pasteurization protocols until the goat butter machine went offline due to unprecedented server load.
The only silver lining was the small quantity of butter that was found when the mythical dairy vault was opened with the skeleton key revealed the day before.
"I hereby declare you goat and therefore you must now leave", the overseer said.
"What's going on?!" cried the master pasteurizer, revealing presently his intent to cause untold mayhem, by releasing a fourth side to the three-sided Triangle of Unintentional Doom.
The triangle of WHAT?
The Triangle of DOOM.
And thus the universe was never the same.
At the end of the day, all goats went to bed early, only to find that their testicles had developed the ability to commit inexcusable sin.
When seals would rub their flippers together vigorously, the heat becomes unbearable in seconds.
If anyone is getting mixed signals from this continuous stream of disconnected sentence fragments, we apologise.
We apologize so much, that an apology alone seems worthless in comparison to the hopeless desperation of basement dwelling nerds.
Chapter 6:
A loud noise was heard coming from the Polish milkladies who had dropped ALL the jugs of goat milk.
But they were not fired because of their amazing lawyers.
Good to have someone to call when the going gets tough, because these ladies were summoned by the great God Of Dairy Products, Da'r-EE-Le'e, whose face was that of Nicolas Cage wearing John Travolta's face.
"Grease" or "Battlefield Earth"? asked the iridescent ponies, who got punished instantly by Roger Ebert's ghost.
Later, the goats heard that their herd was heard, although they quietly hoard horribly hairy hats.
Suddenly, a giant blue whale swam by, blowing whale-sized spit balls at God, which is ironic because God had just made the whale so strong that even the other Gods said, "Holy shit! He's dead!"
It was clear that this could never have been foreseen by the oracle conveniently hidden in plain sight.
That said, the oracle's mysterious words transcended time and space.
"Far out, dude," said the omniscient observer to his plant named Chuck.
Chuck didn't reply, but grew some more leaves.
The observer, LeChuck Junior, then decided to write strongly worded letters to his proctologist.
These letters were so red that it was a pain and a pleasure for all those in attendance when they were read by computers, double speed.
Nobody could ever think that the goats were down with the sickness and gifted with madness.
Because they had certificates of authenticity, these goats were worth quite a goat-load of money.
Then Lechuck Junior gave ClickClickClick as goat food to the goat god.
The goat god was actually Billy Connolly.
He liked ClickClickClick's taste, but the aftertaste was bitter.
Afterwards, the goat god made an eleventh Commandment dictating that goats, henceforth, should only wear fluorescent cheap sheep wool caps.
Naturally, the sheep were afraid of luminous water and cheese wheels, so they decided to convert to a new religion where goats don't need to be involved.
This made fluorescent caps go up in market value so goats couldn't afford their strangely iridescent headgear which would sit atop the fourth wall.
Then many beautiful goat maidens were chosen to become, like so many before, chefs to the octopus overlords worshiping golden idols of Bob the Builder.
Chapter 7:
7921 years prior, Mister Wigglebottom was watering his watermelon patch when he discovered a hole in the space-time continuum, leading refreshening lemonade through a funnel, then a sieve, then a series of interconnected tubes, ultimately spilling out into the open, nebulous black of space.
Afraid of what he might encounter.
The great space explorer Rex Wilco whipped off his pink flesh, revealing his skeleton.
Rex then started singing, playing bones like xylophones, rhyming verses that should never ever be rhymed.
His song ascended into a funky beat, reminiscent of a funkier time. And then he jumped cause they said so.
Who are they?
Well, it's hard to say.
Starting at the beginning, there was a goat-shaped cloud, an omen of goats to come.
And how they came.
But how they came to coming was how they left the flock.
"Silence!" bellowed a presumptuous armadillo with rainbow hair and a butt tattoo of a bean burrito.
"Without a doubt, this is a most delicious burrito!" Exclaimed the armadillo.
"Not so fast," snapped a snapping turtle named Snappy the Snapitious Snapitor, of Snapping Snappton.
The way he said it implied deep knowledge of speed.
Indeed, he is a renowned master of "Gotta Go Fast" theory.
"Sooooo you think you can dance? Show me."
Slow and sexy he performed the paso doble, which was a very awkward dance, performed solo.
"Not bad but you could use a partner."
Here, take this one, the Armadillo said as he openend his big satchel of inflatable dolls.
One for you and you and you and...him.
"Now let's see if you're good enough to dance upside-down, darling," he quipped as the room slowly began to rotate slowly and then slowly even slower.
Finally he found viagra flavoured water in his sexy looking inflatable doll.
Drinking it quickly, he got Smurf blue teeth.
"What? No boner?" he shoutet at his penis, sputtering blue liquid everywhere.
"WHY!?!" He screamed.
Suddenly his teeth started to grow quite rapidly.
Tusks began to form, and, realizing this, the armadillo shouted thrilled "It's alive!!!"
And now for Chapter 8:
Thanks TheLastToKnow, I've added this to the first post. What a strange story we have here!! :-D
Chapter 8
It was the best
time for a nuclear
meltdown. But Snappy didn't
like eating Plutonium sauce
without an uranium topping,
so he uncorked a
bottle of his finest
North Korean nuke flavoured
vomit with carrot chunks
, applying them generously with
radiant whip cream and
succulent hippopotamus rump steak.
"This hippo meat originated
from my wife, who
can't stand the pressure
of being married to
Ol' Snappy here," he
claimed. "I hope she
doesn't mind if I
eat her." Snappy then
opened a secret compartment
revealing an inter-dimensional portal
in orange and blue
gift wrapping, that never
was activated. He then
went through the portal
, just to find out
where it led. Little
computer people looked at
the end credits, surprised
by the hidden meaning
of "No animals were
harmed during the making
of this sentence". Strange
to think that only
yesterday he was recovering
from sentence-induced wounds. Crying,
a thing he never
knew existed until now.
Laughing, a thing he
practiced copiously, albeit with
little enthusiasm. When goats
laugh, they usually blow
trumpeting sounds from their
anal openings while yelling
furiously at each other's
parents in incoherent haiku.
When goats cry, everything
falls apart, literally everything.
But goat tears form
shapes nobody would ever
want to see described.
Out of the blue
AGS cup, came a
disgusting smell that was
somewhat like rotting skunk
or a McDonald's burger.
Snappy took a sip,
"gaak! schwaa! blurgh! EEEEEEeeeeeeee..."
he cried, melting into
a goat-shaped puddle of
putrescent, sizzling, multi-colored slime.
The slime then began
to take the form
of Old Snappy but
this time he had
mutations, including terrible bulging
forearms and an appetite
like a goat in
heat. Feeling like someone
who could take on
a drunk mall Santa,
this monstrous Snappy mutation
began to rampage through
a tulip garden. Ironically,
this garden was poisoned
, which made him even
more determined to find
solace among the trees.
A friendly bird came
to warn Snappy of
the poisoned tulip garden
hidden deep within the
past, and he remembered.
He remembered the tumoils
, the tumors, and turmoils
tortoises, turtles and terrapins
, tortillas, traffic cones, and
turgid topaz-tinted tarantulas
tearing through the terrain.
This needless alliteration was
also an arbitrary agitation
, aggravating Albert and Anita
, amazingly activating artificial anacondas
slithering sideways so skillfully.
Suddenly Snappy sought salvation
I think we should start a new chapter. And have CaptainD add the summary of the latest chapter to the first post.Spoiler
Chapter 8
It was the best time for a nuclear meltdown.
But Snappy didn't like eating Plutonium sauce without an uranium topping, so he uncorked a bottle of his finest North Korean nuke flavoured vomit with carrot chunks, applying them generously with radiant whip cream and succulent hippopotamus rump steak.
"This hippo meat originated from my wife, who can't stand the pressure of being married to Ol' Snappy here," he claimed.
"I hope she doesn't mind if I eat her." Snappy then opened a secret compartment revealing an inter-dimensional portal in orange and blue gift wrapping, that never was activated.
He then went through the portal, just to find out where it led.
Little computer people looked at the end credits, surprised by the hidden meaning of "No animals were harmed during the making of this sentence".
Strange to think that only yesterday he was recovering from sentence-induced wounds.
Crying, a thing he never knew existed until now.
Laughing, a thing he practiced copiously, albeit with little enthusiasm.
When goats laugh, they usually blow trumpeting sounds from their anal openings while yelling furiously at each other's parents in incoherent haiku.
When goats cry, everything falls apart, literally everything.
But goat tears form shapes nobody would ever want to see described.
Out of the blue AGS cup, came a disgusting smell that was somewhat like rotting skunk or a McDonald's burger.
Snappy took a sip, "gaak! schwaa! blurgh! EEEEEEeeeeeeee..." he cried, melting into a goat-shaped puddle of putrescent, sizzling, multi-colored slime.
The slime then began to take the form of Old Snappy but this time he had mutations, including terrible bulging forearms and an appetite like a goat in heat.
Feeling like someone who could take on a drunk mall Santa, this monstrous Snappy mutation began to rampage through a tulip garden.
Ironically, this garden was poisoned, which made him even more determined to find solace among the trees.
A friendly bird came to warn Snappy of the poisoned tulip garden hidden deep within the past, and he remembered.
He remembered the tumoils, the tumors, and turmoils, tortoises, turtles and terrapins, tortillas, traffic cones, and turgid topaz-tinted tarantulas tearing through the terrain.
This needless alliteration was also an arbitrary agitation, aggravating Albert and Anita, amazingly activating artificial anacondas slithering sideways so skillfully.
Suddenly Snappy sought salvation.
And now onto Chapter 9
Meanwhile, in a galaxy
not so far away
, Larry the Leprechaun was
running away from a
gang of evil goldfish
hellbent on eating his
rainbow made of two shades of grey just to
break all the rules.
"Damn communist!", they shouted
at levitating goldfish swarms.
Leaflets of red propaganda
fluttered among green pamphlets
about a goat religion
which banished those goldfish
to the shadow realm.
Larry quickly converted. "Phew!"
"I was once evil
but now I am
an honourable potato eater."
Larry thought about his
previous fate. He shuddered.
From now on he
would refrain from eating
rotten vegetables he found
up the ass of
a donkey. Why he
ate such delicacies, nobody
really wondered, but they
did wonder how he
kept his fresh breath.
The distinctly minty aroma
was something he would
boast about, claiming it
stemmed from his amazing
ability to lick every
clitoris in the world.
Most women are quite
keen on getting their
opinions heard about this
issue, but only a
few are actually men
or transitioning between genders.
After a short while
the ability was forgotten
and everyone shouted ~"Hurrah!"
"Thank goodness that's over,"
Although they couldn't remember
what they thought of
the new season of
"Game of Goats", so
they watched it again.
"This show reminds me
of The East Wing",
they thought, really examining
the minutiae of the
copious scenes involving gratuitous
use of metaphorical imagery.
Like a hitcockian Kubrick
imitating a Tarantinoid Spielburg,
this show was a
huge success, due to
a secret formula. It
stole from Colonel Sanders,
and his brother Colonel
Mustard, who was king
of the great hotdog
, and then it went
up the Scoville scale
to become the most
zapped away program of
"The Zap Away Gang."
The hoopiest froods ever
knew how to put
anything into anything. Even
elephants into tiny fridges.
With such knowledge, they
began placing very large
members of parliament inside
clown cars full of
cute cats dressed as
goats with golfish faces
singing humpback whale songs.
"I have a secret!"
cried the ugliest creature
in the room. "You
don't know how to
breath." Then he suffocated.
Nobody helped him. They
just laugh out loud.
They were evil.
EVIL.
How evil, you ask?
Take, for example, a
rabid badger, and multiply
it with a giant
Tasmanian devil in heat.
NOT a pretty sight.
But then along came
Polly the Polynesian parrot
to save the day.
The day was saved!
"Saved!" repeated the parrot
, "Saved!" it repeated again.
For the sake of
brevity, parrot was shot.
By a one eyed
moose, wielding a camera
shaped gun. Which it
promptly ate afterwards. Meese
, the inaccurate 'moose' pluralisation,
is what moose prefer.
Only when the clock
cries its terrifying noise,
Will the army of
mutant space goat-faced demons
finally be free from
the evil cannibalistic meese.
"Wait... WHAT?!" cried the
still dying parrot. Blood
on the dance floor
Bwaaaaak.. bwwwaaaackk they cried
as the meese transformed
into monstrous mechanoid mice
who really enjoyed alliteration!
As they scurried away,
nervously nibbling neurotic nits,
they realized that alliteration
was shortening their lifespans
, and they soon died.
"Behold these dead mice."
Those words, emblazoned on
an ugly, over-sized sweater
knitted by grandma for
her favorite moose, were
unfortunately inflammatory to rodentia.
However, the sweater's back
displayed a glorious rendering
of Monkey Islands's hotel,
The Goodsoup Plantation Resort
immersed in flames. When
you look closer, you
see the island volcano
is about to blow!
So you run furiously
to escape the lava
that smells of cheese!
"Nacho cheese for all!"
"Gimme that!" "Nacho cheese..."
yelled the smelly geese
. "It's my cheese, nachos!"
cried the meese, loudly
, not realising the pun.
Thereby the nachos wept,
wetting the nacho cheese.
The runny nacho cheese
seeped into the voluminous
and cavernous crack beneath
Helga's pink yoga pants.
Looking down, Helga shrieked
in rage and confusion.
She lunged quickly backwards
and tumbled right into
a bloated bramble bush
, which subsequently exploded into
a choreographed rendition of
42nd Street, when suddenly
it was a whole
series of frantically crying
babies covered in the
greenest of green Jello.
There was an awed
gorilla bystander, watching as
he peeled a banana.
Slowly inserting the banana
into the coin slot
of a nearby arcade
gumball machine, the ape
rubbed his wadjet eye
,danced the Blackwell Shuffle,
And as he tripped
the light fantastic, sunrise
of the twin suns.
Such senseless sentence sank
beneath both blind behemoths
while widows walked widdershins
among ageless aardvarks alliterating
curiously captivating careless crustaceans
that think thoughtful thoughts.
Replacing alliteration with rhyme
that everyone thought sublime.
It can be tricky
so don't be picky
Be like Eddie Niedzwiecki!
O captain! My captain!
Be like Kerry Dixon
who died last Christmas.
Did you know that
when the clock strikes
indefinitely, it's a sign
that all the things
you thought you knew
are for one moment
unknowable? If not, you
probably know nothing. Which
isn't the worst thing
in the world, honestly.
"I have a rash!"
"Rash decision to make?"
"That really made my
porridge taste nice." "Really?"
"Yes, it was the
two pickled newt eyes!"
Of course, there are
always where you least
expect them, animal optics.
Like in the loo.
Wild wildebeest were worried.
A very hot commodity!
Also alarming were the
many indistinct noises emanating
beneath a pale blue
scrotum dangling from a
scrotum. It was a
sordid sight to behold.
"Whoa! Double scrotums!" said
the mischievous mechanical monkey.
"I want to play
them!" Suddenly white liquid
seeped from her eyelids
as music emanated from
elsewhere, leading to dancing
in circles for days!
Later that week, after
the Dark Lord had
arranged some flowers in
the mechanical monkey's garden,
With careful attention paid
to the placement of
the endangered Amorphophallus titanum.
The double scrotum finally
inverted and became a
glorious personification of artistry.
Only a few know
of the song it
sang that glorious day:
Hakuna Matata... Hakuna Matata!
And there was much
merriment, wonderment and sentiment
, and oxford commas everywhere.
Then the second verse
Changed everything. Dogs howled
to a man mooning
, pants down, hair flowing.
Shouting "Kakuna Rattata!" repeatedly.
Insects and rodents began
making armpit fart sounds
just because they could.
A most flatulent symphony!
The mighty vermin chorus
reached a crescendo when
the cavernous crack of
Las Alimañas began to
blow magical bubbles of
noxious gas into the
blogosphere, causing a massive
problem for local wildlife.
Clearly, it was the
mischievous mechanical monkeys prophecy.
"As was prophesied, whenever
the faces of rats
become infected with toxic
gas, the world will
fart loudly into space
and all is lost!
" said a random orifice.
The squeaky voiced orifice
waved at the passing
of his dear friend
unbeknownst of the fate
of his owner. Who
was not entirely certain
of things? The confused
owner silenced the orifice.
Using a trombone mute,
which was highly dangerous
to insert, he delicately
placed it within his
ornery and outspoken orifice.
This caused his intelligent
orifice to cease its
babbling. Later, his uncle
asked for a detailed
description of the hallucinations
suffered under the influence
of a muted orifice.
But he refused to
partake in psychedelic discussion
since he no longer
imbibed vast quantities of
Wicked Strength Lager. However,
he did wish to
spread Vegemite on his
hidden secret stash of
potato based electronic products,
which he had collected.
He was missing one
crucial ingredient: the elusive
albino tasmanian devil fish.
Interestingly, these fish originate
from deep within the
Caribbean. The island of
monkeys was well known
for secrets and curses
, which led to the
castration of every other
simian on the island.
A secret curse indeed!
Who could have known!?
"Certainly not I!" said
Herman Toothrot, as he
remembered the obvious secret.
He lifted up his
shirt, his nipples were
there. Lowering his shirt,
he forgot the secret.
"Damn, I forgot!" he
wrote on his hand.
This helped him remember
that he couldn't remember
anything he ever forgot.
Except that he forgot.
While scratching his head,
he thought he remembered
, what he forgot. But
his nipples started tingling
strongly with delight at
a surprisingly alarming rate!
"Hello!", the nipples boomed.
"NOW YOU ARE ALL
GOING TO DIE IN
BOLOGNESE SAUCE, CAUSING YOU
TO TASTE LIKE THE
APPROXIMATION OF ITALIAN CUISINE!"
Suddenly the sky became
drippy, leaking gallons of
cod liver oil droplets
that could melt skin.
Ashamed of his skinless
oiled skeleton, he decided
that life was overrated.
The rating he gave
to himself was very
low. "7 out of
the hat, one out
the dustbin. But he
didn't fully understand recursive
." He stammered without reason.
"S-s-s-sir, you left your
l-large vi-v-vibrating o-orange i-i-inflatable
p-p-p-pizza c-cutter over here!"
"Oh No!" he thought.
And then, "Why me?"
"Why always Mario Balotelli?"
"And why always me?"
Such puzzling questions often
create temporal distortions in
the AGS community. Which
could be construed as
Once upon a time
there was a goat
that did not fall?!
Gravity was gone, because
goats can defy it
during a temporal distortion.
"Whatever floats your goat,"
said the Timekeeper, master
of clocks and watches.
Most troubling were the
digital clocks, always flashing
themselves to the watches
who gave off alarms
: beep, beep, beep, beep...
The Timekeeper grimaced. "Enough
time has passed that
the portal has opened!"
A blinding light emanated
from the Timekeeper's eyes
"Something is terribly wrong!"
, said a clock. The
Timekeeper was sucked into
the timestream, which resulted
in myriad particles swirling
around him, and causing
him to dissolve into
a Liquid Crystal Display.
Then at Woodstock 1969,
something extraordinary happened. Thousands
of people on LSD
began to hallucinate vividly.
Their hallucinations were none
of my business, but
something had to give
them the idea that
an ancient evil was
brewing beneath the surface
from the very beginning
of the Oregon Trail.
The ravenous looks, the
local goats gave, were
beyond anything of this
universe. In another universe,
at another time, on
various unrelated planetoids, there
was a familiar ruckus
not unlike that heard
on the London Underground
a fortnight ago. Twelve
Deep in the Caribbean
intros later, and the
porpoise purposefully postulates paradigms
while whales waste away.
Thus ending the alliteration.
The repellent sisters lurched
in a most disturbing
manner through time dilation
of the nth kind.
Meanwhile in Dimension X
, where the wild things
travel in packs of
cigarettes; floating, oversized boxes.
Bounteous beasties roamed free
. "Ahoy there!" said the
voice inside my head.
It was Captain Jack
Rainbow of the Jolly
Goat. "Have ye any
ole' barber shop quartets?
" he asked. I was
struck by the boldness
of my own eyebrows
Spoiler
^^^Those last few entries had me LOL! (laugh)
. Little did I know
those were not eyebrows!
Feeling my brow, I
realised they were actually
hyper-intelligent pan-galactic mutant slugs.
I shrieked, but then
they told me to
recite the following words:
"Since the dawn of
time mutant slugs have
been at the forefront
of all things powerful.
Many centuries from now,
creatures will visit from
across the heavens to
worship the mutant slugs
with praise and song.
Please don't forget to
polish the teeth of
large predators before you
are eaten alive, gulp!
Also, whenever one sees
Use crowbar on chest.
one should do so."
Yes, it will hurt!
By the time that
chest is opened, you
will have no other
-wordly slug chewing you.
Eventually, these slugs went
on a nice long
boat, destined for the
fabled Monkey Island. Hitherto
jumped high and low.
Then, Hitherto decided that
it was time to
change his name to
avoid paying taxes, as
Outland Revenue Services demanded
a real name. So
Spoiler
Does anyone here know what "hitherto" means?
It means "until this point in time" just so you know. :)
Quote from: Danvzare on Thu 26/07/2018 11:31:49
Spoiler
Does anyone here know what "hitherto" means?
It means "until this point in time" just so you know. :)
the name he chose
Spoiler
Indeed, this just worked better in the context provided.
was Red Read Reed.
He was the meanest
son of a slug
who ever slithered across
this plane of existence.
Before we move further,
take a moment to
make yourself a pancake.
The ingredients are just
as delicious when you
don't prepare anything first.
Raw flour with raw
eggs of a scaled
fire breathing dragon and
2 gallons of sugar...
turn every coffee into
incredible diabetes-inducing laxative.
Naturally, when one produces
this atrocity, they must
be within range of
5 to 10 years
or 260 weeks old.
If you can handle
the aftermath of this
experiment, you will be
rewarded with an abundance
of very small, glowing
thingamajigs, thingamabobs, and whatchamacallits.
There were also dinglehoppers!
"And now, for my
birthday, I would like
nine throbbing and erect
Purple slinky toys that
walk down stairs alone
while singing terrible songs."
"Let it be so!"
And it was so.
The rise of slinky
and the resurrection of
other counterfeit Pacman ghosts
was the beginning of
the dreaded necroposter of
a time long forgotten.
"This is random, but
why did you never
try your hand at
rolling in the deep
blue abyss on your
own?" said the necroposter.
"It just so happens
that I was involved
in a time shift
, so now my age
is 42 years old.
That's 10 years more
than the life expectancy
of a Nickelback album."
"I think you're exaggerating
about the whole thing."
"How dare you, sir,"
said the anteater
as he nibbled on
translucent radioactive termite eggs
. "The taste reminds me
of McDonalds food." Replied
the necroposter, "Are dead
puppies funny to you?"
"No... they are hilarious!"
The two then parted
their hair and grabbed
each other by the
penises. It was awkward.
But it is customary
to penis grab when
goats are involved. The
trend nowadays, however, is
to focus on the
booty rather than beauty.
Who doesn't love treasure?
Suddenly, a large leprechaun
clasped both hands around
her pot of gold
, a cheeky euphemism for
grabbing a goat's penis.
And what a penis
it was. She gasped
her last breath while
the goat smiled happily!
"And...cut!" the director
shouted. The latest porn
production was flawed, but
horny goat weed should
alleviate the rug burn.
When that was over,
we trumpeted using our
kazoos, elephant trunks, or
three headed monkeys. Making
a cake is easy.
First, you will need
to inject yourself with
a vast array of
drugs and bodily fluids.
"It's been a year!"
, she said, looking around.
Not wanting to ponder
The meaning of the
tattoo on her wrist
that had morphed into
Randy Jackson splayed nude
on her veranda. Incidentally,
Randy is a woman.
No doubt about this.
_
"Regret this tattoo? Never!"
In a million years,
there will be a
new ice age of
untold dimensions. Now that
that is over, we
need to discuss the
serious matter of your
aforementioned goat. Will he
get on the boat?
"Not in this weather."
"Is you name Heather?"
"Birds of a feather
should roast together". Horrified,
reason why a trumpet
echoed in the distance
, loud and resonant, yet
strangely melancholic in tone.
Surprisingly, there was a
gaping hole lined with
a nice velvet fringe,
a royal tribute to
the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The crux of the
matter was, that the
goat was still alive!
"How could this be!?"
I shouted at my
cell phone, trying hard
not to laugh at
the imminent nuclear apocalypse.
A garbled radio sputtered
what was probably a
glitch in the matrix.
Silently, secretly, I made
a hat out of
random things I found
in my aunt's attic
which included the following:
-Doomsday Gun on VHS
- an old typewriter ribbon
- the Squid of Despair
- an old greased boot
- The Megaphone of Destiny
- John the Baptist's head
- and a dead frog.
Now, place that hat
atop a roasting fire
until golden brown. Add
toppings of your choice.
Allow to cool for
420 days to ensure
Your tongue doesn't burn
like a witch. In
addition, you should remember
to always, invariably, apply
copious amounts of tasty
Nutella on your puckered
skin. In the evening,
when the day's done,
you can either wear
a robe or pajamas
unless you are feeling
particularly cheeky. In these
trying times, never forget
er, never forget...darn!
Seems I forgot... Remember
to never forget that
you are only as
tall as your uncle.
“Oh shit!†I said,
as my left cheek
smacked the right cheek.
My uncle's face is
irrelevant, but my face
sees his face anyways.
As I thought about
that summer of 69,
I wondered why I
seemingly never would get
my Gainsborough. Notwithstanding satisfactory
Open University accreditation, this
evening, I decided to
smoke my bubble pipe
while considering whether I
would die or not.
Acid bubbles will do
that to a person,
so why not? I
hear a voice say
from between my toes.
"Hi hoe, my toe",
seven magical dwarves said,
sauntering mindlessly, eating various
kinds of delicious looking
but terribly smelling, small
pear shaped puffs of
candied rhubarb. "Rug burn
is the worst when
you can't hide it.
You would agree, right?"
said an old badger.
The badger's badge was
shiny, but also hairy.
And then he went
on a southbound train
while I sang this
lullaby about an erect
eggplant that towered over
a pair of sweltering
goblins with pointy sticks
. “Another phallic lullaby?!†screeched
the foul creatures, hurling
"Bring back my bon- "
“-homme de neige?†asked
one goblin who looked
like he had seen
the worst of it.
"Is this the worst
of times, or maybe
...?" He paused, distracted by
the thought of a
limp and mostly shriveled
forum thread, long forgotten.
"Just maybe, we can...
resurrect our once revered