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Competitions & Activities / Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: UNDER WATER (ends 21 September 2018)
« on: Today at 02:22 »
Punder the Sea
The tiny penny fish flit cautiously through weeds, aware that the hypnotic dance of the sunlight from the waves above could easily conceal a stealthy predator. Then again, if he were to be eaten en route he would at least miss his odious appointment. Summoning the courage to temp fate, the penny fish darted out from the weeds and raced through the grandiose marble columns of the First Bank of Atlantis. Unfortunately, he made it.
“Mr. Blobfish will see you now,” the bug-eyed secretary fish called to him. The penny fish sighed and entered his banker's ornate office.
“Mr. Penny,” the Blobfish scowled at him in greeting. “How's the family?”
“Mostly eaten, I'm afraid.”
“Good, good,” the Blobfish replied absently, clearly glad that the formal niceties were now over. “Now, let's get down to business. The Bank is concerned that you are having something of a cash flow crisis.”
“Not true, sir!” the penny fish piped up, trying to head off the inevitable fee-laden rate-hike that Mr. Blobfish was notorious for.
“Hmmmmm....” the blobfish frowned, his jowls quivering slightly as the syllable drew out. “It says here your mortgage is underwater.”
“Well, yes, that much I concede, but-”
“And you're still in school.”
“Yes. Obviously. I mean, after all, I am a-”
“Investments are mostly illiquid....”
“Now I can explain that-”
“And your credit rating is plumbing new depths.”
“Uh.... Is it?”
“Mr. Penny,” the blobfish gurgled sourly, “surely I needn't remind you that the Bank is built on minimizing risk.” He eyed the penny fish disdainfully. “The Bank must insist on a rate-hike commensurate with your abysmal risk-profile.”
“Wait!” the little penny fish interrupted. “You gotta give me a chance! You're bleeding me dry here!”
“Humph,” the blobfish humphed. “Are you telling me you would prefer to take your business elsewhere?”
“Uh.... no. I'm not saying that.”
“I hear the loan sharks on the upper east side specialize in dealing with minnows like you.”
“Ha ha. No, what I meant was-”
“Or perhaps you think a customer of your net worth would fair better at the Grand Banks?”
“That's not what I-”
“Mr. Penny,” the blobfish grimaced, “Your assets are tanking and you are on the hook for a titanic sum. You are in desperate need of liquidity. Under the circumstances, I can't imagine you getting a better deal anywhere else. Sign here.”
The penny fish moved his mouth wordlessly.
“Well? I'm a very busy financier, and there are many other fish in the sea.”
“It's just that...” the penny fish began slowly, working up his nerve. “It's just that, well, I've been planning to start up my own business.”
“What?” The blobfish's eyes bulged in disbelief.
“Uh, that's right. I'm going into the hydroponics business.”
“Hydroponics! I'm not investing in the tech bubble.”
“No, wait. Hear me out. My angle is to diversify into the cephalopod market. I've already inked a contract for an octopus's garden in the shade.”
“I've got a sinking feeling about this enterprise....”
“And look at the macroeconomic picture! The labour market is buoyant and stocks are rebounding. The tide raises all ships! Now is the time to channel investments into sectors about to face a sea-change.”
“I can not fathom why I am even considering this....”
“Remember Bait-coin? You can turn drops into gallons when all those frothy revenues start pouring in. After our flagship product makes a big splash, we'll be swimming in the money!”
“All right, all right! I'll take the plunge! Where do I sign? How much do you need?!”
In an ocean this big, there's a sucker born every minute.
The tiny penny fish flit cautiously through weeds, aware that the hypnotic dance of the sunlight from the waves above could easily conceal a stealthy predator. Then again, if he were to be eaten en route he would at least miss his odious appointment. Summoning the courage to temp fate, the penny fish darted out from the weeds and raced through the grandiose marble columns of the First Bank of Atlantis. Unfortunately, he made it.
“Mr. Blobfish will see you now,” the bug-eyed secretary fish called to him. The penny fish sighed and entered his banker's ornate office.
“Mr. Penny,” the Blobfish scowled at him in greeting. “How's the family?”
“Mostly eaten, I'm afraid.”
“Good, good,” the Blobfish replied absently, clearly glad that the formal niceties were now over. “Now, let's get down to business. The Bank is concerned that you are having something of a cash flow crisis.”
“Not true, sir!” the penny fish piped up, trying to head off the inevitable fee-laden rate-hike that Mr. Blobfish was notorious for.
“Hmmmmm....” the blobfish frowned, his jowls quivering slightly as the syllable drew out. “It says here your mortgage is underwater.”
“Well, yes, that much I concede, but-”
“And you're still in school.”
“Yes. Obviously. I mean, after all, I am a-”
“Investments are mostly illiquid....”
“Now I can explain that-”
“And your credit rating is plumbing new depths.”
“Uh.... Is it?”
“Mr. Penny,” the blobfish gurgled sourly, “surely I needn't remind you that the Bank is built on minimizing risk.” He eyed the penny fish disdainfully. “The Bank must insist on a rate-hike commensurate with your abysmal risk-profile.”
“Wait!” the little penny fish interrupted. “You gotta give me a chance! You're bleeding me dry here!”
“Humph,” the blobfish humphed. “Are you telling me you would prefer to take your business elsewhere?”
“Uh.... no. I'm not saying that.”
“I hear the loan sharks on the upper east side specialize in dealing with minnows like you.”
“Ha ha. No, what I meant was-”
“Or perhaps you think a customer of your net worth would fair better at the Grand Banks?”
“That's not what I-”
“Mr. Penny,” the blobfish grimaced, “Your assets are tanking and you are on the hook for a titanic sum. You are in desperate need of liquidity. Under the circumstances, I can't imagine you getting a better deal anywhere else. Sign here.”
The penny fish moved his mouth wordlessly.
“Well? I'm a very busy financier, and there are many other fish in the sea.”
“It's just that...” the penny fish began slowly, working up his nerve. “It's just that, well, I've been planning to start up my own business.”
“What?” The blobfish's eyes bulged in disbelief.
“Uh, that's right. I'm going into the hydroponics business.”
“Hydroponics! I'm not investing in the tech bubble.”
“No, wait. Hear me out. My angle is to diversify into the cephalopod market. I've already inked a contract for an octopus's garden in the shade.”
“I've got a sinking feeling about this enterprise....”
“And look at the macroeconomic picture! The labour market is buoyant and stocks are rebounding. The tide raises all ships! Now is the time to channel investments into sectors about to face a sea-change.”
“I can not fathom why I am even considering this....”
“Remember Bait-coin? You can turn drops into gallons when all those frothy revenues start pouring in. After our flagship product makes a big splash, we'll be swimming in the money!”
“All right, all right! I'll take the plunge! Where do I sign? How much do you need?!”
In an ocean this big, there's a sucker born every minute.
Great minds think alike, I suppose. 
Frodo's piece had a much stronger character element, and several mentions for great word choice. I thought Mandle's was the cleverer story, but for me it loses the lustre of perfection due to the awkward sentence that starts it. 
It was an awesome attempt to portray the confusion of battle in an action-packed 144 words. If only your contest adminstrant had the foresight to invoke a Most Intense category.... Maybe Stupot's time warp murder SD card could help us out with that. What could possibly go wrong? 
The only way to topple me is to type like you have huntsman spiders grafted on to your wrists instead of hands. Well, that and not vote splitting.