FORTNIGHTLY WRITING COMPETITION - Fictional Game Review (RESULTS)

[Baron]

The Fortnightly Writing Competition kindly invites you to write on the topic of....
Game Review

Jay Jonah Jepson of the Daily Bloggle has invited you to write a 1000 word review of the best game never made for his website.  This review can contain characters, puzzles, plot arcs and even spoilers, so long as it is entertaining enough to keep eyeballs on the page (and thus keep J.J.J.'s advertisers happy).  Also ol' J.J.J. isn't too fussy about the exact word count: that's just a ballpark figure he threw at you, based on his archaic perception of the media business as filling space on paper.  You have two weeks to create this fictional game review, starting..... Now!

Here's an example, just to get you thinking:

What do a witch, a walking onion, and the ghost of Ronald Reagan all have in common?  A singular bond of camaraderie in Begippered!, an audacious new adventure game from the makers of Hillbilly High and Squeeze Me, I'm Juicy.  Deliciously fresh comedy is paired with devilishly wicked social commentary to create what may well be the best game released so far this year.  The pace is fast, the dialog snappy, the locations exotic and the puzzles fiendishly silly: you'll fall in love with Begippered! at first sight, and find yourself still married to it 60 years later.  The game is that good!
     The action begins implausibly at Kim Jong Il's 50th birthday party in the North Korean presidential palace.  You play as Topaz, a spirited young woman of mixed broccoli/cabbage ancestry and an unfortunate water allergy, who is at one and the same time the best Greatful Dead fan-girl and the worst-skilled witch of all time, and at this very moment is just trying to make ends meet by working the birthday crowd in a swelteringly hot Hello Kitty costume.  She might just have pulled this mascot gig off but for the meddlesome antics of the ghost of Ronald Reagan, whose poltergeist brinksmanship initiates a small nuclear war, resulting in vegetables mutating into humanoid creatures bent on taking over the world....

Your fictional game must be a computer game, but not necessarily an adventure game.  It can be a project you've already thought of, but didn't build (or release....) for whatever reason.  As long as the game is substantially unmade, it is fair game.  The main thing I'm looking for is the ability to sell an agenda: if it's the best game ever, your review should leave me drooling into my open wallet; if it's the worst game ever, your review should be as scathing as it is cutting; if it is a beautiful game, your review should leave me with a sense of awe and wonder.  So be creative, have fun, and write, write like the wind!

Deadline is Saturday June 14.  Voting will start when I get internet access on the evening of the 15th, so if you're are one of the many AGSers who live next to the international dateline in French Polynesia, you'll still have lots of time to meet the deadline. 

Goodbye and... goodluck! 

[Ghost]

I swear, once you blink, it's different!

Procedurally generated content is an old hat- it's been around for so long that is has found its way into almost any genre, often with good results. But Team Slot Machine (of "Rogue Dice" and "It Always Chances" fame) have taken the concept to a whole new level and you'll probably never see anything like this ever again. Because Once You Blink, It's Different.
Seriously, that is the title of the game.

At the core OYBID is a real-time action RPG in the vein of Diablo 4, Torchlight 3 and Duke Nukem Eternal. You're a lonely adventurer and click your way trough masses of enemies. These games arguably always get the best value out of procedurally generated loot and levels but OYBIT goes the extra mile by randomizing everything.
Every little thing.
It's almost mind-boggling.

It starts with the game's world, which is constructed from a vast library of set pieces. An actual history of that world is then randomized, applied and results in different races, technology levels, philosophies and big events like feuds and wars and lost cultures. From THIS background, the game then constructs a simple plot and hands the results over to you.

This means that maybe you're the last survivor of the lost Dryad tribe, tasked to find a magical seed in order to restore the World Tree so that all the tech-obsessed, gun-toting goblins can be defeated. Or maybe you're a scholar exploring a recently discovered temple site just to wake up a long forgotten evil. Or you're a hyper-intelligent jellyfish exploring the ruins of Atlantis (where all the Hillbilly Elves hang out). Or you end up in a suspiciously historical setting where Northland Barbarian Snakemen battle Southern Valley Ewokes (they really look the part).

It doesn't stop there. While there's invariably a mix of combat, magic, stock puzzles (you know, pushing crates around) and keys-for-locks even the mechanics can be wildly different. Magic can be anything from simple "cast-from-spellpoints" to a rune system last seen in the famous Ultima Underworld. And again, everything is generated on the fly. I once built a gun that shot mutated ants. You can't get that in Diablo 4!

With such a wildly variated library to pull from, it's surprising that the game even randomly generates its looks; this to a lesser extend however. I saw simple 2D "platform" games, isometric view and full 3D, but I have to admit that Iso Is Best. OYBID does a good job of keeping the looks simple yet charming, and once you see your Antman Indiana Jones explorer wielding a chainsaw you'll easily forgive the fact that there are better-looking games around. Controls are silky smooth and rather intuitive, and the audio, while not outstanding, does its best to compliment the action without drawing too much attention to itself. It works- it's all standard genre fare and easy to get into.

Some mechanics are always in effect- most notably there's permadeath and this really IS a drawback, because once you lose a setting by dying on your quest you'll probably never hit the same combination of elements again. Team Slot Machine has dropped hints that they'll eventually introduce an option to save a "game seed" for further runs but haven't revealed any details yet.

In a recent review of Oceanspirit Dennis Explores The Big Black Hole I asked if it maybe WAS the best ARPG ever, and gave it a solid 9.7. I stand by that. But OYBID really ups the game by giving you literally endless replay value. For 20 bucks you'll ignore the game at your own risk.

9.9 / 10 (because 10/10 is still reserved for Half Life 3)

Game: Once You Blink, It's Different!
Publisher: Team Slot Machine
Price: 20 Bucks
Copy Protection: miguel
Platform: Cross Platform (PC, Mac, Linux, XBone, RePlayStation, Nintendo 3DS (announced))

__
edit: some typos corrected, some touching up

[LostTrainDude]

...And then, the game reviewed by the winner gets in the next MAGS topic !

[WHAM]

This didn't take long:

Data Entry Simulator 2024 The sim-game boom that took off around 2010 doesn't show signs of slowing down as this new entrant takes the genre onto a whole new level. World; meet “Data Entry Simulator 2024”. In this fine game that combines the best features of games like “Dark Souls 5”, “Desert Bus”, “Train Simulator 4” and the grand 2020 release “Typing Simulator 2”, the player takes on the challenging task of a data entry clerk. You begin each gruelling 8-hour day in your cubicle, looking down on a monitor and a stack of papers. Your task is to enter the data, as seen on the fully 3-D modeled papers, and enter it into a system of spreadsheets on your computer. To start off with the most obvious feature the next-gen visuals are absolutely top-notch. The game's full support of the Facebook Rift's 4K resolution and Depth-of-Vision technology allow you to experience all of the in-game 1080p -monitor's pixels in glorious detail, see the dust and lint between your keyboard keys at high fidelity and even look around to see motes of dust floating in the air just below the fluorescent lamps overhead. In addition to modelling your workstation the game extends with a large beautifully rendered office space to explore. You might be called into your manager's office for a meeting or perhaps you will simply have a short break at the watercooler, all of which allows you to see some of the most life-like animation of the other players in the office. We didn't mention that this was a multiplayer experience!? Oh my! Data Entry Simulator 2024 takes several cues from the recently released Beast's Souls 3, allowing you to freely interact with other players as they are seamlessly delivered into your world during watercooler breaks and bathroom breaks. The Facebook Rift 3's social plugin allows the game to automatically match you with your real-life colleagues and friends as well as semi-random people from places like India and China, thus ensuring a truly realistic social office-experience. The multiplayer aspect also brings a lot of life into the game's resource and time management systems, as social contacts allow you to stave off your depression meter, thus extending your simulated office worker's lifespan. Time spent socializing is time not spent on data entry, however, and delays come at a price! In addition the the more generic invasions that players can engage in (sneaking into your friend's cubicle to steal their stapler, spill their coffee or to mess up their papers was a hoot on the alpha review server) a random player will be summoned to act the role of the manager during managerial meetings. In these situations the game truly shines, as the Facebook Rift's speech recognition is used to analyze and score both the boss-player's beration and the victim-players meager attempts at defense, and the final score is used to either reward or punish both player's for their performance. Reducing your hard-working colleague to tears and bringing their character to near-suicidal levels of depression is just deliciously evil and the inside knowledge gained might just help your own character survive that much longer. All in all “Data Entry Simulator 2024” is an excellent game that provides education, entertainment and social interactions that will keep you coming back for more. Easily my number one pick for game of the year 2024 so far! 10/10 Editor's pick

[CaptainD]

Okay, I just had to...

Review â€" “House Hunter Extreme!”

In Stupid Soft's debut release, the player takes on the role of a house hunter.  No, that's not some kind of legendary warrior, it is in fact someone who's trying to find a house to buy, rent, or even buy to rent.  Yes, they really have made a game about finding somewhere to live (the game ends the moment you have a bid accepted for somewhere) â€" although on second thoughts, even calling it “a game” is dignifying it far beyond what it deserves.

Credit where it's due, Stupid Soft have included A LOT of options in this game.  It's just a shame that virtually all of the options are pretty meaningless in terms of affecting the game itself.  You can customise your play character's appearance to your heart's content, but it makes no difference whatsoever â€" you could look like Michelle Pfeiffer or Boris Karloff, no-one will treat you any differently (if only the real world were that aesthetically egalitarian!).  You can customise the pace, pitch and timbre of your voice using a sophisticated speech synthesiser that actually sounds pretty realistic â€" but again, it makes no difference.  Yell at people, be polite, threaten to disembowel them with a spoon, and they'll all just treat you with the same polite diffidence.

To make matters worse, the game randomly determines your income and family circumstances and local housing / rent prices at startup â€" you have absolutely no control over this.  Because the game adopts a realistic approach to this, your chances of being a footballer / rock star / business magnate are vanishingly small, and therefore your budget is never going to be enough to challenge for the luxury mansions and the like (astonishingly, the game features an online leaderboard with the highest priced houses bought / rented â€" considering the player is completely at the whim of a random number generator for almost everything in the game, this seems entirely unfair!).  Instead you're competing with hundreds, maybe thousands of other families in the game with similarly small budgets, high outgoings and very little chance of getting somewhere halfway decent to live within their means.

The game makes you visit one Estate or Letting Agent after another, visiting one highly inappropriate house after another, and you can put in bids or counter-bids on any property you like, however ridiculous the bid amount.  You're NEVER told to just go away â€" if your bid of £125K for a £6M mansion is refused, they will not make the assumption that you are not a serious bidder â€" they will make you a counter-offer of £5,950,000!  The game's cruelty extends to letting you look around lavish surroundings that you could never afford, letting a desire for something grander fester inside you will you long for a large Victorian town house when all you can really afford is a 2-bedroom semi in the street with the country's highest crime rate!

This bewildering combination of realism, anti-realism, an open-world environment that lets you do virtually nothing and gameplay that… well, there really isn't any gameplay to speak of, at least none that is remotely fun.  I don't know what the developers were thinking when they created this, or what the beta testers gave as feedback â€" “this is the most dull, monotonous, depressing game ever!  But I couldn't find any game-breaking bugs, so it's good to go”??!  The game's PEGI rating of 16 is presumably due to the game being so soul-destroyingly dull that anyone not yet past their early teens will implode in self-despair if exposed to the sheer mind-numbing tedium of “House Hunter Extreme!” â€" later, when they are likely exposed to this tedium in their day jobs, it is to be hoped that they will have developed sufficient coping strategies to avoid complete psychological breakdown.

As a side-note, I would really like to know what  the marketing people at Stupid Soft were thinking by adding “Extreme!” â€" with an exclamation mark, no less! â€" to the game's title.  I mean, really… what can possibly be described as extreme here?  Extreme boredom?  Surely they're not using that as a selling point?!

Overall Verdict:
Graphics â€" 9/10 â€" the only part of this game that has any credibility, the visuals are actually top-notch.  Pity you'll never be able to buy any of the houses that actually look nice!
Sound â€" 3/10 â€" the synthesised speech is rather good, pity the dialogue in the game is as tedious as the rest of the game.  The decision to use classical music arias overlaid with gangsta rap was clearly a mistake.
Playability â€" 2/10 â€" this only avoids the minimum score because the GUI itself looks clean and works fine.  It's just a shame that there's nothing interesting that you can actually do with it…
Longevity â€" 1/10 â€" it's a game that's overstayed its welcome on your hard drive the moment you've installed it.
Overall â€" 0/10 â€" even the pretty graphics can't save this from being an astonishingly bad game.  Save your money and buy Troll Song of Captain Disaster in Death Has a Million Stomping Boots instead.

[Baron]

Entries already!   

Let's keep 'em coming.

[Ghost]

Let's keep 'em coming.

Done. And I feel like I'd love to see that House Hunter game. It sounds blissfully pointless!

[kconan]

POLICE MAGAZINE
July, 2014 (Issue 897)
Writer: Officer I. McBloatie (retired)
Game: SimCop

I had the pleasure of playing through this little gem last week, and it might very well be the most fun I've had since I started reviewing games here at Police Magazine.  SimCop is a collection of mini-games that accurately reflects the life of a modern police officer in the United States.  I haven't had this much fun since retiring from the force!  I shall cover each mini-game separately, as they are all mostly self-contained.  And yes, before my faithful readership asks, this is the same SimCop that police academies across the United States have now incorporated into their training courses - thus replacing the abysmal Police Simulator, which focuses on cracking non-career making crime cases (who cares?) and basically doing actual detective work (YAWN). 


Meter Maid Man â€" This is a timed mini-game where you have to beat the clock and race past violent crimes in progress to catch speeders and meet the city traffic ticket quota.  Later levels get especially tricky because the quota increases while certain cars are driven by people with direct connections to the mayor!

Freebie Donut Grab â€" The tag line for this one is simply “Donut Galaga!” and that is really what this small shooter is all about.  Yes I know…Most lawmen fingers are too meaty for twitch skill games, but I promise this one is worth it.  For maximum points, avoid the stale stuff the shopkeeper throws out (those are for civilians!) and go for the freshest “brown gold” directly from the oven!

Race for Condescension â€" This little dialogue-driven jewel is playable online!  Go head-to-head with other players to see who can lord the power afforded to them over successful and happy civilians the most.  My personal best was when a doctor and his trophy wife wanted to know why a non-functional car cigarette lighter was grounds for a faulty equipment fine and court appearance.  I first set the tone with my usual alpha male preface that I used during my days of working the mean streets (speed trap alleyways and donut shop parking lots) of, “Sir, SIR.  What I'm going to need for you to do right now…” and then I entered my quip into the game's text parser, “Doc, just like people need to get a checkup…SO. DO. VEHICLES.”  Boom I WIN!  My opponent actually treated the couple like human beings…Loser.

World of Radar Detector Detector Detecting â€" Don't let a little monotony get in the way of your enjoyment of an otherwise thrilling challenge.  Your goal here is to calibrate and ensure that your radar detector is both up-to-date and capable of defeating the latest and greatest radar detectors.  When those pesky civilians start to detect the latest laser band with the newest model detectors, you need to get a laser radar detector detector.  When they start to get radar detector detector detectors, then you will have to upgrade to one of the top end radar detector detector detectors.  This mini-game will try to distract you with side quests like going into a rough neighborhood to help clean up the streets and keep people safe from thieves and muggers, but DO NOT FALL FOR IT.  Remember, getting caught up in the radar detector arms race is real police work.

Hottie Gets a Pass â€" In this fun little game you play a male cop who has to both pull over hot women and then not give in to the desire to dole out a ticket.  In the driving portion, it can sometimes be tough to see whether or not they are worthy of being pulled over and then let off the hook; so don't make snap judgments based on long blonde hair or expensiveness of the sports car and try to get a good long look even if you drain valuable clock time.  Also, be forewarned that accidentally stopping an overly entitled celebrity or a journalist results in an instant loss.  After they are pulled over, use your position of authority to work your magic on them…you smooth operator you.  The A.I. is pretty lifelike, so getting a real, working phone number from a stone cold fox is rare.

Utility Belt Gadget Trivia â€" This self-explanatory title is more laid back and can be enjoyed with the whole family.

Broken Dreams Frustration Smash â€" The first version of this one was buggy as the lead programmer was a former officer and the subject matter hit too close to home.  Hopefully the next one will be playable and I can then update this review on the PM web-site.


I can wholeheartedly recommend this game, especially to current police officers looking for some supplemental training and former police officers in the market for some nostalgia from their glory years.  Copy protection is handled by a code wheel, and enforcement is handled by the Canadian Mounties, Texas Rangers, and possibly Interpol.  The music and overall sound leave much to be desired, but despite that the plethora of games that makeup SimCop are a real treat!

HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:  IBM PC that includes CPU with SSE2 support, including Intel Pentium 4, Pentium M, AMD Athlon 64 or later 2-GHz (Windows 7) 32-bit (x86) or greater and keyboard not clogged up with delicious donut crumbs and/or succulent frosting.

Playability: Tazer Shotgun
Graphics: Lot Full of Expired Parking Meters
Sound: Police Brutality Evidence Tape
Overall: Deep Fried and Frosted Chocolate, Jelly Donut w/ Sprinkles

[CaptainD]

Ghost - there was a game (on IndieGoGo I think - didn't get close to its funding total though) that actually looked very similar to the game you reviewed!  (Ah, here it is... didn't get any pledges at all.  I guess it was an idea too far... or maybe no-one thought it could be pulled off by that developer - who may yet prove everyone wrong, of course!).

[Baron]

Keep 'em coming folks: just about a week left!

[Stupot]

No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta
(name chosen from videogamena.me)

Once every few years a game comes along that is so addictive I actually have to quit my job to play it, then apply for a job at a new magazine when I get bored of it.  No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta is not one of those games. Despite interesting dual-gameplay mechanics, a cracking soundtrack and a moral, the game just doesn't like you.

Every year, in the Germexican village of El Unedosdrei, a party is held.  El Fiesta Das Bestos, or Beast Festival, is a massive street party, a lavish banquet and generally jolly good knees-up which culminates in the summoning of hundreds of demons and monsters from the underworld. And every year, without fail, the village is wiped from the face of the Earth and has to be completely rebuilt from scratch by the plucky peasants.

Every year, the villagers decide to stop organising the festival but for some reason, it still keeps taking place.  No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta.  And that's where you come in.

This game is like a mixture of God-Game and "Space Invaders".  Early on in the game you command and control the villagers with a range of dozens of commands including "Stay at home!", "Don't make that costume!", "Don't feed El Chupacabra!", you're ultimate goal being to prevent the Beast Fiesta from taking place.  But the villagers have short memory spans and will still go about organising the party as soon as your back is turned.

You have a lot of villagers to control and can't keep your eyes on all of them all of the time and the closer it gets to beast o'clock the more the villagers redouble their preparation efforts, despite knowing it will destroy them.

You view the village from overhead, but can zoom in to any part of the map and interact with everything in real time.  You can be watching two old ladies discussing bunting on one part of the villages one minutes, and spying on young Analucia changing into her sexy piñata outfit the next, all in the high definition you've come to expect from the X-agon64

At some point during proceedings, some of the "guests" start arriving. At first it's just a small few, and they serve as a warning to the villagers: "Look, we can go away if you want, but you got to stop summoning us, because we've already done quite a bit of damage."  But the peasants just keep going about their plans because "it's tradition".  After this initial warning, the beasts start coming thick and fast, and while the villagers are getting rat-arsed, it's at this point the games dual gameplay mode takes its "Space Invaders" format and you have to destroy all the beasts with a laser gun before they reach the village.

This arcade element would be fun if only the developers had thought to make it winnable, or at least added some kind of scoring system so that you have something to show for it when you finally lose the game.  And you will lose. After all, no one can stop the Beast Fiesta, not even God with a Laser Gun.  I played it eight times and as far as I can tell there is only one ending.

The game clearly serves as a rather heavy-handed moral slap-on-the-wrist for mankind's own jolly saunter into self destruction.  Despite all the warning signs and informative tabloid headlines, we are all summoning the beast that is global warming to come leaving his carbon footprint all over our village Earth while we continue to go about our lives wasting energy and using far too much kleenex as though it grew on trees...

Yet the game's hippy undertones and the fact that it hates you can be forgiven, because it has a Jethro Tull soundtrack and comes in a big box, which is cool.

77%

[Giraffadon]

Small Talk & awkward situation simulator '98

Have you ever been caught in an awkward social situation where you wish you had more to say? ST&ASS'98
Could be the answer to your fretting.
Small talk simulator is a classic game from the good folks at Reach around software.
You play Neil postman,who after getting engaged to his girlfriend princess scratch-n-sniff, must travel back to her hometown to meet
everyone she has ever known.
I Chose to review the game using the hardest 'total recluse' setting as i have played the game before and required more of a challenge from
the 'chatterbox' and ultra easy 'Gobsh*te' modes.

As i begin the first level nostalgia floods back as Neil finds himself left alone with the Father-in-law, a later boss but for now warm up to the harder levels.

Great conversation starters such as favourite sports team and Employment give way to the harder 'so...this car's nice, it has nice seats...are these
cat skin seats? And the game begins to look like it's taking a very large learning curve until the princess and her mother return to the car they left
the two of you in.

The proceeding levels, 'meeting grandma', 'teenage brother sex talk' and ' what is this down the toilet?' really turn up the heat and require social skill levels of unprecedented levels for most hardcore gamers.

A few times i had to refer to soap operas for technique and topic but once i found my top gear i was away.

Next up came a very difficult level named ' why did you french kiss the dog?
This is where the gentle build up of small talk swung abruptly towards a more awkward social situation.
The whole level is a minefield of wrong responses that lead both towards the Asylum and Jail endings.

Persevering through these difficult levels i reached the finale. The 'Engagement party' level is by far one of the hardest gaming experiences
ever. ' Why did you punch my disabled cousin?' and 'oh my god, is it supposed to look like that?' must be dealt with in the deafening silence of a
Ruined party. Staring faces and the hostility meter making this a very difficult task.

Pass all the horrifically skin crawling situations and you are rewarded with the FMV of the wedding night, fail and your details are published by the developer in your local newspaper.

The graphics of the characters are incredible, with unparalleled levels of disdain in the eyes.
The gameplay is challenging and there is definite replay value.
The sound is good, the tuts and gasps are spot on.
overall Small Talk & awkward situation simulator '98 is the greatest game ever made  98%

[Sinitrena]

So many entries already Lovely.
--------------------------------------------------

Today, in the past: Jonathan Jordans „Into the Machine“

A weekly feature where we showcase under-apprceitaed games of the last century.

--- Dave, how often do I have to tell you that you don't need to type this? I put it in the right category and the tag line is added. Besides, you spelled “under-appreciated” wrong. Again.
--- Sorry, man, won't happen again...

Gameplay................10/10
Story....................7/10
Graphics.................6/10
Sound....................2/10
Replayability............9/10
----------------------------
Overall score:..........50/50

--- Dave?
--- Yeah?
--- Your math doesn't add up. At all.
--- Yeah, it does.
--- No, it doesn't.
--- It does.
--- Noho.
--- Oh, just read on, man, just read on.

“You are about to enter a world you always knew and never imagined.” These are the first words you hear in Jonathan Jordans third game “Into the Machine”. Jordan, who was famous for games that break your expectations in unusual ways, as well as often the fourth wall, delivers here as always, but you would never guess how.

But before we tell you what makes “Into the Machine” one of the best and sadly greatly under-appriecated games of all times, let's get the bad things out of the way first: Sound effects and music were never some of the stronger parts of Jordans creations, not even in his fourth game “Dancing Queen” where music was arguably all the game was about. But here it is especially garish. The soundtrack is at best barely tolerable and at worst not there at all. Seriously, more than halve the time there is no music at all. When it plays it doesn't distract, to say one good thing about it, but you sure would never buy a CD of this music.

At least the graphics are somewhat better, though, to be honest, not by a huge degree. But we will come back to that later.

Let's have a look at the story first. What is “Into the Machine” about? The title suggested a science-fiction story reminiscent of maybe Tron and Jordans record of unusual games makes us hopeful for something crazy or meta like Chrystal Shards META. Both assumptions are, at the same time, completely correct and absolutely wrong.

--- This is a game review, not a philosophical thesis, Dave.
--- Oh, come on, man, it's not that bad.
--- All right, maybe not.

You don't get science-fiction, unfortunately. Instead, the story probably reminds most people of the movie “Labyrinth”, best known for David Bowies junk. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your point of view, we get nothing like that in “Into the Machine.”

--- Seriously?
--- Sorry.

Anyway, your little sister is kidnapped by an evil lord. The game doesn't go much into the backstory but it is up to you to find her in a world similar to some of M.C. Eschers well known works, though sadly not in as high a quality as his prints. Although they are, at the same time, very much like them, because most of the backgrounds are solely in black and white or in gray scale and therefore more functional than pretty or exceptional. Though we must admit that they look all right on a monitor. But that's the crux of the matter. You only really realize their poor quality when you own the USB-module that was only available as part of the highly limited special edition that was unfortunately only sold in a single store in Springfield. But we strongly suggest you do everything in your power to get one of these copies, because then you are in for the gaming experience of your life. Only then the true power, creativity and beauty of “Into the Machine” and the genius of Jonathan Jordan will be available to you.

--- What are you talking about, here? I never heard of this special edition.
--- It really is special, men, it truly is.
--- Ok...

Without it, “Into the Machine” is just your run of the mill adventure game with a standard verb-coin interface and a story that is admittedly captivating but nothing too special and you don't get to see why Jordan was thought of as the inventor of games that are only made to exceed your expectations. As you might expect, various reviewers wondered when the game was released why Jordan created something so normal when his games usually thoroughly counted as special.

But put the module into an empty USB-slot and you are in for a world-view changing experience and the idiosyncratic title suddenly makes a lot of sense, because the module just takes a bit of your blood â€" don't be alarmed when it pricks slightly when you put your finger in the module â€" and literally takes you into the machine.

Just imagine yourself walking through a world of surrealistic Escher-prints, though not that well drawn, which you suddenly realize when you stand inside of them instead of seeing them on a monitor, solving puzzles and just experiencing an adventure game first hand for the first time! Though we have to admit that it does feel strange to murmur sentences like “It's a door.” to yourself or suddenly seeing a big black box in front of your eyes with a written description when you try to take a closer look at things. And we seriously can't recommend putting a stepladder into your pants, even though the game mechanics make feats like that possible. And it really is an amazing experience to walk upside-down through a tunnel or talking to an owl. And all of a sudden the first words of the game also make sense and it all comes together. You really, really become acquainted to a world so real and still so fantastical you will never forget it your whole life. Think of the graphics what you want, or the music or the very standard adventure game plot but you will never again see a game like that.

Our verdict: Play it! (If you don't have any other choice, kill to get a copy, a life sentence is well worth it as long as you played “Into the Machine” at least once in your life.)

Title:................Into the Machine
Designer/Publisher:...Jonathan Jordan
Genre:................Adventure

--- Dave?
--- Hm?
--- Are you on drugs again?
--- Why?
--- What the hell are you thinking? I can't publish that!
--- Why not?
--- That is... that is absurd.
--- Just play the game, man, just play the game.

[Eric]

When your life is changed--irrevocably, unmistakably changed--sometimes it hits you hard and full on, like a stray fragment of meteorite flaming down from the night sky with your name on it. In other words, you know you've been hit because the damage is deep and instant. But other times it sneaks up on you, like the mosquito that gives you malaria and, later, when you're sweating out death, you have a hard time pinpointing where and when and which of the bastards it was that got you.

I find myself now, metaphorically sweating out death, and wondering when my moment of personal destruction, that true Rubicon moment where my old life ceased as I knew and loved it, and I began again as the hollow, discarded skin of a man I am today. Some might say it was when the transaction went through, the simple withdrawal of ninety-nine cents from my checking account to the app store. Others, the moment I first touched the icon and gave myself over to the shiny rotating baubles on the screen. But now, weeks later, I think I know when. God help me, I think I know exactly when.

In the reconstructed scene that plays out in my memory, I notice that her pace down the steps was slower, softer than usual. She walked like a mourner at a funeral, approaching the open coffin for the last time. I had my back to her, of course, my face illuminated by the soft blue glow of my chosen addiction. She did not touch me. She kept her distance.

"David," she said, or at least I think I remember her saying. "We need to talk."

By this time, I sensed her as a driver senses other cars on a busy highway. She was there, in my periphery, and I saw her only when I needed to change lanes, so to speak. My eyes were focused on the road before me, the one that saw me climbing to level 46 with only 6,500 points to go. I had driven far beyond tunnel vision; I was monomaniacal.

Rows of technicolored icons cascaded before me, and I steered them confidently, like a resolute captain at the helm of my digital ship. They met in pairs, in clusters, in groups of six or eight if I'd navigated their arrival successfully, pressing together for a brief, sweet instant, before flashing and fading into pixelated nothingness. The rows fell swiftly now, and my brow shone with a sweat of heavy concentration. I took a breath, as I saw and heard her again in my periphery, and here, dear reader, is my life changing moment in four simple words:

"Just one second, sweetheart."

The line had been crossed. She would give me all of the seconds I wanted, and then some. I barely perceived the door shutting, and it was only when I heard the clamor of the garage door and later, the sharp whine of the Honda descending to silence, that I realized she was gone. God help me, even in that moment of bitter clarity, I never moved my fingers from the controls.

I reached 46 that night, 47 and 48 as well. I won't tell you my current level; I don't want you to mistake for bragging what is truly a confession of defeat. I would give all of the points, all of the levels, all of the exclusive premium DLC, and all of the glittering rows of vector-polished gems in the world for...just a second.

One second, sweetheart.

Bejeweled: Apocalypse is available on multiple platforms including iOS, Android, XBox One, Playstation 4, and PC.

[Baron]

Wow, I think I counted 8 entries so far, which must be some sort of record this far from the contest deadline.    Keep 'em coming, folks: three days left!

[CaptainD]

Wow, I think I counted 8 entries so far, which must be some sort of record this far from the contest deadline.   

We'd all limbered up using the 55-word story challenge.

[LostTrainDude]

I hope I'm not too late but, anyway... Here goes!



TITLE: Do NOT Fall From The Stage
GENRE: Point and Click Adventure
DEVELOPER: Fourth Wall Games

As a self-taught musician and also a Neil Simon aficionado, I've spent a lot of time waiting for the right moment to play Do NOT Fall From The Stage, a traditional point and click adventure game developed by Fourth Wall Games.

Set in a non-specified American city during the '60s, the game features Vince Loretti and Bob Grubinski, two playwrights on a quest to see their work of a lifetime - a politically incorrect satyrical comedy, named Lapis Lazuli and Garlic Bread, Please! - published and brought on-stage by real actors.

As for most games of this genre, the true beauty of Do NOT Fall From The Stage lies in the details.

For instance, I really loved how the game takes its name from a sign stuck into the wall of Loretti and Grubinski's favourite nightclub, The Fuzzy Bin: a place where they arrange meetings with publishers and actors, in order to fulfill their dream.

Both Loretti and Grubinski are flat broke and most of the game's puzzles resolve around finding a way to build up the strongest impression possible for the next publisher they're gonna meet: a big fish from Broadway, named Fleming, which they managed to get in touch with thanks to their homeless mime-actor friend, Laurence McLoop, who lives and performs in the streets of the city.

Of course, humor is one of the most emphasized aspects of the game, both in puzzles (can a dead mouse be worn as an all-the-rage hat?) - which are balanced enough to both make few skilled adventure gamers stumble and introduce new players to the genre - and in the development of the storyline.
Soon enough, it will be revealed that Fleming is actually a woman, which will lead the protagonists to dramatically change all their plans in such a way that, at some point, will let the player move Loretti as he will do an improvised, awkward, stand-up performance at the Fuzzy Bin.
Without further spoilers, I'll just say that the results are hilarious!

The low-res pixel art does a great job both following the tradition and pursuing innovation with really smooth animations, bright colors and realistic backgrounds. The music is very fitting, sliding from swing to early rock songs in a really subtle way.

The Adventure Game Studio engine always proves itself to be incredibly open to experiments as you will see from the very beginning of the game which reminded me of an "enhanced" version of Woody Allen's Manhattan opening scene, featuring parallax.

Needles to say: I loved this game. But the problem is that I'm both a fan of adventure games and of these kind of plots. So, while I've found the experience to be extremely enjoyable, maybe it only suits the niche it appeals to, leaving those who are not very into adventure games out. Also, the storyline won't probably easy appear very interesting to new generation of players.

But maybe I'm wrong and, to prove it, I give it a full 10/10

EDIT: Few punctuation errors and formatting

[Baron]

You're not too late until I start the voting.    Which will probably happen in approximately 24 hours, in case there's anyone else out there who'd like in on THE MOST EPIC WRITING COMP EVAR!!!1!!!

[Baron]

Well, that's all the time we've got folks: it's voting time.  Your impressively numerous 9 contestants in alphabetical order are:

CaptainD House Hunter Extreme!
Eric: Bejeweled: Apocalypse
Ghost: I Swear Once You Blink, It's Different
Giraffadon: Small Talk & Awkward Situation Simulator '98
kconan: SimCop
LostTrainDude Do NOT Fall From the Stage
Sinitrena: Into the Machine
Stupot+: No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta
WHAM: Data Entry Simulator 2024

Voting will be by category because that's the way we've rolled around here for the past 18 months, because I like that it gives authors more feedback, and mostly because it antagonizes Ponch to no end.   You can vote up to three deserving authors per category: each vote is a point, and the most points at the end of voting will win, with ties being decided by the Vice-President of Awesome (a.k.a. your contest administrator, me ).

The categories (a little different, since we're not necessarily dealing with stories as such):

Best Fictional Game: The Review aside, who came up with the most creative/exciting/heinously awful game idea?
Best Organized Review: Your attention was grabbed, the right details came at the right time, it felt complete
Best Word Choice/Style: The technical art of combining words in clever or gripping ways.
Most Incisive Review: Which reviewer would you trust to direct your gaming expenditures, based on their perceived thoroughness/truthfulness/salesmanship?

Voting will be open until midnight June 18, with votes to be tabulated whenever I deem fit on the 19th.  Good luck to all contestants!  Stand by for trophies....

VOTE!

[WHAM]

Best Fictional Game:
- Stupot+: No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta (I really want to play this game!)

Best Organized Review:
- Ghost: I Swear Once You Blink, It's Different

Best Word Choice/Style:
- Sinitrena: Into the Machine
- Stupot+: No One Can Stop the Beast Fiesta

Most Incisive Review:
- Sinitrena: Into the Machine