DG's Tech Support Service

[DGMacphee]

Want me to sacrifice anything?

Find me a virgin omlette!!!

[Igor]

Dear DG!
I'm reading your column frequently and haven't noticed similar question yet.
Here's how it is: girlfriend and i were together for quite some time and until now everything was perfect. Sure, she was a bit on a quiet side and people were always staring at her when we went in a restaurant or cinema... But in bed... it was perfect. Till now. Just yesterday we had one of the usual hot nights and in the middle of action, she simply exploded! There's a huge hole and i don't think i'll be able to inflate her again...
What should i do? Does that mean, she doesn't love me anymore?

Desperate

[MrColossal]

DG, if you don't mind, i'll take this one:

Dear Desperate,

You dirty cheating whore...

Signed,

EX Mr Desperate

[DGMacphee]

Thanks, man -- You took care of that masterfully!

But I just want to add something:

Just yesterday we had one of the usual hot nights and in the middle of action, she simply exploded! There's a huge hole and i don't think i'll be able to inflate her again...

You should be happy -- It's probably the only way in your entire life you'll ever get a woman to go down on you!

[Nellie]

Dear DG,

*Ba-dum Ching!*

Yours Sincerely,
     Comedy-drum-sound

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

*Ba-dum Ching!*

Yours Sincerely,
     Comedy-drum-sound

You didn't phrase this in the form of a question (This is Tech Support and thus you are supposed to ask me stuff!)

Therefore, you lose final round of Jeopardy!

Do not pass GO!

Do not collect $200!

Go directly to jail and get humped by the big, sweaty, redneck prisoner named Bubba!


BUBBA SAYS: "I GOTS ME A HANKERIN' FOR A PET PUPPY DAWG AND HIS NAME IS NELLIE! SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, LI'L NELLIE!"

I'm glad I've been able to help two soul mates find each other.

[Trapezoid]

Dear DG,

Can I have Bubba's autograph?

Signed,
Neil

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

Can I have Bubba's autograph?

Signed,
Neil

Only as long as he decides where to sign and with what to sign.

[Squinky]

Dearest Dg,

What should I do when I REALLY want t owrite something interesting here, but can't quite muster anything intellegent?

[Timosity]

+--^----------,--------,-----,--------^-,
| ||||||||| `--------' | O
`+---------------------------^----------|
`\_,---------,---------,--------------'
/ XXXXXX /'| /'
/ XXXXXX / `\ /'
/ XXXXXX /`-------'
/ XXXXXX /
/ XXXXXX /
(________(
`------'

[Gilbert]

My Dearest Madam DG Honey:

I just said to a tree today morning: "You Poo Pooster Poobungies Furking Shniz Wiz!1! No go away!1!"
I want to know: Did I hurt it? Should I confess for what I did? Would it go away like I told it to? I had to do that because it was luring me to have sex with it, am I normal? Or was I just getting illusions?

(Nevermind, I bet that tree won't understand good English anyway...)


One more Q... When will you be tired of swimming?

I'm waiting for you by the shore, hun... *KISS* *KISS*

Love, Gilbot

[DGMacphee]

Dearest Dg,

What should I do when I REALLY want t owrite something interesting here, but can't quite muster anything intellegent?

Then the answer is pretty simple, isn't it? -- Just don't write anything until you do muster something intelligent.

+--^----------,--------,-----,--------^-,
| ||||||||| `--------' | O
`+---------------------------^----------|
`\_,---------,---------,--------------'
/ XXXXXX /'| /'
/ XXXXXX / `\ /'
/ XXXXXX /`-------'
/ XXXXXX /
/ XXXXXX /
(________(
`------'

Read above reply.

My Dearest Madam DG Honey:

I just said to a tree today morning: "You Poo Pooster Poobungies Furking Shniz Wiz!1! No go away!1!"
I want to know: Did I hurt it? Should I confess for what I did? Would it go away like I told it to? I had to do that because it was luring me to have sex with it, am I normal? Or was I just getting illusions?

I know hippies often say the world will be a better place if we hug more trees, so maybe if you do that and play on the swings together everything will work out okay between the two of you.

On a side note, I knew this guy in high school -- rumour was he once got drunk at a party and actually started humping a tree.

It's crazy cause when I get drunk I just fight with trees.

"Cyum on, ya stoopid tree! I'll taksha on! Ya nothin but a SHURB! Come on, swing yer puny branches! I'll beat the sap out of ya!"

That'll teach that goddamn tree!

One more Q... When will you be tired of swimming?

I actually have my own Sealab below the great Australian Bight, just like Captain Murphy.

So...

If you're looking for me,
You better check under the sea,
'cause that is where you'll find me,
Underneath the sea, lab,
Underneath the water,
Sea lab, at the bottom of the sea.

[Timosity]

Read above reply.

It wasn't a question

Read the post above mine, Then think about my answer.

[DGMacphee]

It wasn't a question

Read the post above mine, Then think about my answer.

This is DG's Tech Support Service!

Not Timosity's ASCII art service!

Even though it is a nice picture of a gun, it makes a poor substitute for an actual answer.

Besides, if someone should kill themselves, it should be by getting super-pissed and swallowing a frisbee!

[Ishmael]

I want to know why is it that every time I open the front door, I see a cruisermissile coming at me. If I close the door and wait, a few seconds later I hear a big BOOM, and when I open the door again, there's small fires everywhere and all nearby buildings are severly damaged. If I won't close the door, the missile will crash on my face, and the explosion tosses me agains the toilet door, and then the hall is full of little fires and the closets are severly damaged. And besides, there's something writtin in arabic or hebrew or whatever on the side of the missile...

[DGMacphee]

I want to know why is it that every time I open the front door, I see a cruisermissile coming at me. If I close the door and wait, a few seconds later I hear a big BOOM, and when I open the door again, there's small fires everywhere and all nearby buildings are severly damaged. If I won't close the door, the missile will crash on my face, and the explosion tosses me agains the toilet door, and then the hall is full of little fires and the closets are severly damaged. And besides, there's something writtin in arabic or hebrew or whatever on the side of the missile...

Cause these guys can't get their shit together:

[Nacho]

Dear DG Macphee:

My question is:

Why passed so many time before we realised that this thread is just dirty trick by you to increase your posting figures?  

Well... just one more thing:

Kansas City Chiefs or New England Patriots?  

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG Macphee:

My question is:

Why passed so many time before we realised that this thread is just dirty trick by you to increase your posting figures?  

And why are you supporting such a dirty trick by asking me questions?

When you answer that, you'll attain total enlightenment to your question.

Well... just one more thing:

Kansas City Chiefs or New England Patriots?  

Take Viagra -- Even soccer players recommend it!

[Nacho]

It´s a trick... It´s dirty... It´s funny!  

[Timosity]

November 19th 1999, was the last date of our lives to contain only odd digits. How do we tell our future kids what it was like?