Critique of voice acting and tone of piece [Moderate Language]

[Calin Leafshade]

Hello there.

I'm new here, feel free to victimise me until im a twisted ball of rage.

I decided to finally start my game and i'm thinking of doing the voiceovers myself so i thought i'd let the community give me their thoughts on my vocal talents.. its very hard to critique your own voice.. you're kinda used to it.

I'll post the script along with the link since it might not make sense without stage directions.

I'm also possibly looking for collaborators on the graphics side.. I can do it myself but not as well as some and if anyone likes the tone of my piece it can't help to take on talented people.

thank you

http://www.thethoughtradar.com/songs/gameintro.mp3

Prologue

Room: A small room, washed with moonlight with a silhouette of a man hanging from the ceiling.

RM Narrator: As i hung by my neck gentle swinging side to side in the darkened room, I couldn't help but feel my life had been something of a farce up to this point. A parade of nonsensical events marching past me taunting me to give a damn.

When you're strung up by a man you shot between the eyes with a 38 revolver not 10 minutes earlier, you begin to wonder if, in this world, there is any reality to accompany the poetry.

As my vision began to fade and euphoria washed over my body from lack of oxygen to my brain, all i could think about was how I got here [pause] and not how I could get out.

[Run Titles]


Room: Outside an office door with frosted glass with Rick Mccarthy: Private Eye written on

RM Narrator: When you start your day still in your clothes from the night before, being jerked awake by a blend of nightmares and the phone on your desk ringing, things are never immediately clear. The line between the dream and the cold light of day is blurred somewhat by the incessance of the telephone.

Answers Phone

RM: Mccarthy.

RM Narrator: I hadn't had a case in weeks. The headlines after my previous job saw to that.

RM: Where are you?

RM Narrator: The young woman on the end of the line sounded breathy and seductive [pause] and just a little terrified.

RM: I'll be 20 minutes.

Room: Car interior. Silhouetted driver.. dunno how i'll work that yet but i need some kind of transition to explain the phone call

RM Narrator: She'd asked to meet me in a small church across town. I knew the place, it's been abandoned for quite a while. The gang activity in the area was maybe too much for the preacher. [pause] Heh, I guess even God can be convinced to leave with a kind word and a blood stained baseball bat. I arrived with all the bravado of a comic book hero.. and none fo the talent

Maybe more narration here or possibly a news report on the radio.

Room: Church with a naked young woman strung up on a dais with all kinds of occult stuff around

RM: Christ! (Not frightened, Irritated by the inconvience)

RM Narrator: She was dead when I got there

Walks over and touches the corpse

RM: Still warm, No wonder she was terrified.

Sound of sirens

RM: Shit!

RM Narrator: I had been set up. I had to get out of here

Start gameplay. First puzzle: How to get out of the church.

[DoorKnobHandle]

Sounds really, really good. Quality-wise, there was a tiny bit of crackling and hiss with the s-sounds. Still really good.

Where did you get sound fx from?

PLEASE tell the story in a Max Payne comic like way. That'd totally fit the atmosphere and your voice, too, I think.

[Darth Mandarb]

That's actually pretty darn good.  It's a bit dead-pan but it works very well.  If the game style/play matches that tone you've got a winner on your hands here.

Well done.

[Calin Leafshade]

The sound effects are largely self recorded (recording is kinda what i do with my life :p musician you see :p) or taken from freesound.org .. the best website in the history of websites.

The S sounds are called sibilence.. and yes i screwed up recording too close to the mic and using the wrong kinda mic.. but it happened to be the one plugged in. *lazy*

Any comments on the actual acting? the sound quality is fixable fairly easily.. its the acting im concerned about.

The story will be told in a kinda film noir style. I'm thinking possibly a Sin City influenced art style. i.e black and white with flashes of vibrant colour for certain things (cigerette embers, blood etc). Max payne was certainly an influence too :p

The story could be considered a mixture of a dick tracy story and a clive barker occult themed video game.

Now if only i could get those walk cycles looking less like epiliptic fits..

In other news i'm also available for voice acting on anyone elses work if they need someone.

[nihilyst]

The acting sounds good, i.e. as you might except from such a story, a bit dull and depressing. There's not much real acting in the prologue. Would like to hear some dialogue, too.

Yeah, and it really reminded me of Max Payne. And that's a good thing. Damn good.

[zabnat]

Did you record the whole thing in one run? Especially at the end it was a little hard to distinguish dialog from narrating. Aren't narrations usually recorded with more warmth (more lower frequencies) and dialogs with the scene atmosphere?

[Calin Leafshade]

It was a single take, chopped up.

I did increase the low end of the narration but its difficult to get the balance between warmth and 'boxyness'

I kind hoped the church reverb would sell it.. i guess not. I might try boosting the high end alittle on the dialogue

[nihilyst]

Since it sounds as if you had a studio-like environment with little to no reverb, wouldn't be one option to record dialogue/monologue with a distance to the microphone bigger than the narration parts (using the proximity effect, i.e.)? That's at least what I'm doing when recording, though results may differ depending on the personal equipment setup (and I guess yours is waaay better than mine).

And now as you say it, the reverb in his office really sounds odd. It's a bit too much, I guess, and a bit too long.

[ddq]

The acting is pretty nice, but I'd like to see either a screenshot or some concept art to see how it would jive with the character. It definitely fits the film-noir feel.

[Calin Leafshade]

Ha ha, you and me both, sir.

Unfortunately i suck at drawing, but im trying to force my way through it. I hope I dont ruin a perfectly good game with sub par artwork.

[Darth Mandarb]

I think if you put together a story/plot, some "rough" art, and some more audio samples like that (and post in the Recruit a Team - need help thread) I'm sure you could find an artist willing to help.

The story you hinted at in the dialog isn't really too original (to start with), but it still works and pulls you in.  Tied in with great audio (as you've shown you're capable of) it would be enough to make me interested in doing some artwork (if I had any free-time and wasn't working on 2 or 3 of my own projects!)

Anyway ... keep on keepin' on.

[Calin Leafshade]

Hmm i'd really rather not be one of those "I have an idea for a game, now make it for me" kind of people.

I see that all the time and it irritates me.

If possible i'd rather keep close to my vision and not do things by commitee.

While i do love collaboration with like minded people i want to create this in a similar way to that of the author of a novel. Focused and, in this case, allegorical.

I'm hoping it will be original when it gets going. Film noir always opens like this.. its just genre specific. What im trying to do is generate character interest and make you actually care about the characters.. especially McCarthy.

</pretentious spiel about artistic vision>

[Anian]

At the begining of the sample, some commas (,) are bit overlooked, you just pass over them without pausing...don't know if that's on purpose or not.
Example:
...10 minutes earlier, you begin to wonder if, in this world, there is any reality to accompany...  <- you completly skipped this commas, you should pause just slightly, that's what it's there for. Though this sentence is a bit too long in my opinion altogheter.

Somewhere the commas are missing, for example:
As i hung by my neck, gently swinging side to side in the darkened room, I couldn't
A parade of nonsensical events marching past me, taunting me to give a damn. <- insert commas where marked (or slight pause when you read), not only more correct but more theatrical.

And yeah, if you get rid of some of those crackles that are heard, it sounds cool, sounds like noir kind of detective narration.

Btw. not directed at the acting, I really don't get:
When you're strung up by a man you shot between the eyes with a .38 revolver not 10 minutes earlier
So you shoot somebody and then he hangs you? I guess it'll be clearer with the graphics and all, though yes, the poetry is there if that's what happened.

[Calin Leafshade]

Btw. not directed at the acting, I really don't get:
When you're strung up by a man you shot between the eyes with a .38 revolver not 10 minutes earlier
So you shoot somebody and then he hangs you? I guess it'll be clearer with the graphics and all, though yes, the poetry is there if that's what happened.

Yeah i thought that might cause problems but as the story progresses it would become clearer

Essentially yes, McCarthy shoots a man between the eyes and gets hung by him.

The man is not altogether human when he is shot between the eyes and thus doesnt have the usual human reaction.. i.e dying

There is a strong supernatural theme throughout the story.. Think Max Payne meets Clive Barker.

[Anian]

Well as I said, might be explained later in the story and with a graphical depiction to help, so I didn't mind it that much.

Nice that you put supernatural/horror stuff in, it's always fun to mix in a completly different genres, that's what makes interesting stories. Like Grim fandango mixed film noir with afterlife etc. Good luck with it.
Don't be too afraid, to ask for help, if you're the one with the idea and you tell people what you want, then if you don't like it you can just say "Thanks, but that's not what I'm looking for" and nobody should get too angry, I think most people here know how it is to want something just that way you want it and especially when you have an idea...after all it is a engine for making your own adventure games.  

[Scarab]

I think it was great. When I was listening to it I felt completely in the scene. I don't know how you were planning to animate this, but what I was seeing in my head was a series of close up stills, not unlike the cutscenes from Trilby: Art of Theft, except with more character detail. I think this would work well because although it is interesting to listen to, there is quite a lot of text, so you won't feel like you're waiting around for the playing to begin, like I sometimes feel in a lot of games with spoken audio.

So yeah, sounds good.
Keep up the great work.
Peace
Scarab

[Calin Leafshade]

what I was seeing in my head was a series of close up stills, not unlike the cutscenes from Trilby: Art of Theft, except with more character detail.

In an ideal world thats very much what i would like to have. High contrast, very dramatic looking.

unfortunately i cant draw too well so we will see what i come up with :p

[Ryan Timothy B]

Wow.
I finally got a chance to listen to this.  I really enjoyed the acting quality you put out in this (other than the hissing of the S's).  Your voice is very entertaining to listen to and the lines are written very well.  I would love to hear more of this.

[Calin Leafshade]

I am fixing the sibilance on the ess sounds :p

I might release some more in game monologue soon just to keep it interesting.