Fortnightly Writing Competition: Mirrors (Results)

[Stupot]

I've read the stories and am still putting together some feedback. But I wanted to get my votes in while I have a chance.

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Mandle (The Halt) 2 pts.
Rootbound (Can you see into my stomach?) 1 pt.

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[RootBound]

So here are my thoughts and votes:

@WHAM

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The maximalist style is the opposite of the way I tend to write--the sheer amount of detail crammed into every paragraph made for some incredible vividness. I do think some details were a bit wordy and weren't as interesting as others (how the clothes feel when waking up, for example, didn't add anything for me), but on the whole it made for very good reading. The story itself felt more like a setup establishing the premise, but I that was done well, and thoroughly. Very nice work!

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@Stupot

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I really like the premise of this story as well. I did feel like something was missing that would have deepened the emotional impact of the ending--perhaps the face-revealing happened too quickly? I wanted a little more of an emotional buildup beforehand, and maybe some doubt that it would happen. And I say these things because I do thing the story has all the foundations to have enormous impact, which is a great achievement already. Caveats aside, I got attached to the characters and wanted to dive into them even more deeply. Good stuff.

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@Baron

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I enjoyed this. As someone else said, it has the flavor of a campfire story itself, and so I'm trying to keep that genre in mind when thinking about the ending. I did want a little more in terms of the progression of action (this feels like act one of a three-act structure) but as a tale to scare others, I can see why it ends here. I also felt drawn in to the protagonist's (likely) OCD, which definitely added weight to the horror. Overall effective.

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@Mandle

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Damn. This was a good one. A bit wordy in places, but it did fit with the voice of the narrator. I think I wanted to feel just slightly clearer on what the Halt actually was, since I was expecting that to be one of the supernatural elements when it seems it was really just the obsession. That's only a minor nitpick, though, because this was a fully realized story that dove deep and then dove deeper, and succeeded on almost too many levels to list--premise, character, atmosphere, voice, structure, and more. I was engrossed and invested and fascinated. Something about the ending did feel a bit sudden--I think perhaps there was something missing in the transition from the Robert scene to the smashing the mirror scene. That felt abrupt somehow. But the ending does feel right for the story, and I thought this was by far the strongest entry I read. It felt complete, fully realized, and generally overall just really good. Fantastic job.

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My votes:

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2 for Mandle. 1 for Stupot.

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[Mandle]

I, also, will get some feedback written hopefully, but very busy with an approaching RL deadline so here are my votes in time for this deadline:

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I found Rootbrand's story to be the most engaging and original, but also found great merit in Stupot's and Baron's. If there had been 4 pts, I would have gone 2:1:1, but with 3, I must vote:

Rootbrand: 1
Stupot: 1
Baron:1

(I thought WHAM's story was well written, and spotted the Terry Pratchett 'cameo' which informed of the genre, but was left confused by the ending, which I suspect was important.)

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[Baron]

Wow, this was a hard one to judge.  Really solid entries all around.

@Rootbound

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The themes of alienation and dysmorphia are powerful in this story.  We really feel for poor Priscilla as she feels increasingly invisible in the world.  The mirrors served as both vehicle and analogy for this slide into invisibility, which I thought was clever.  The numbness attributed to her condition is harder to wrap my head around - is it real, or is it all in her mind? - but it definitely raises the stakes as more and more of her disappears.  The angsty angle of her wanting to be noticed but at the same time self-loathing is a paradox that is a recipe for ever deeper depression: she is truly determined to walk through the mirror at the end.  It was a sad story, but it made me think.

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@WHAM

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I loved your world-building and the mechanic of swapping places with yourselves in the mirror.  I was slightly confused as to the nature of the other Jans.  Do they reflect different aspects of his personality (the Hedonist on the right, the Father in the centre, and the Junkie on the left) or are they just replicas of him that have just experienced more degrading time in the world (the Young Man on the right, the Older Responsible one in the centre, and the Ancient Decaying one on the left)?  I'm leaning towards the latter - you say Old Lefty reflects mistakes made during Jam's training, implying that Jam remembers those lessons, and yet he is grilled about his overnight activities as if it was news to his selves, which makes me doubt that they do, in fact, share consciousness.  I think the mechanic would be stronger if it were explored further, with each reflection's relevance being revealed through the action of the story.  Still, it's a good story that makes you think.

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@Stupot

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At face value this is a simple tale of Aven talking to herself in the mirror.  On a deeper level, it is about setting superficiality aside and communing on a deeper level with yourself and others.  Aven is aghast at how she is treated poorly when she returns home, and yet her own self-assessment is just as vile.  Contrarily, when she opens herself to "others" (in her mind), they reflect that open acceptance.  The last line about leaving by separate exits is superficially an unnecessary reveal that it was her reflection all along (the single door was emphasised at the beginning), but it could also be taken as a metaphor for options multiplying when you accept yourself for who you are.  Short and sweet - nice story.

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@Mandle

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This was a compelling read with lots of moving parts.  I loved the notion of the Encapsulated, how the infinite multiverse tests the character of the narrator, the mystery of the missing brother, and the unspoken horror of the "others" watching just out of view.  I felt the scattered narrative could have been tightened, in the sense that the same narrative could be told in fewer words with greater impact, and I was a bit let down by the ending.  Surely the main character can think of another plan besides blithely sharing his brother's secret message over the bugged network?!?  In the end, I'm left wondering what makes this unremarkable MC so important that all this effort would be made to spy on him and his infinite selves?

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VOTES

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I struggled with this, I really did.  I think in the end I'm going to have to split my votes three ways: Rootbound, WHAM, and Stupot.

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[WHAM]

Wow, this was a hard one to judge.  Really solid entries all around.
@WHAM

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I loved your world-building and the mechanic of swapping places with yourselves in the mirror.  I was slightly confused as to the nature of the other Jans.  Do they reflect different aspects of his personality (the Hedonist on the right, the Father in the centre, and the Junkie on the left) or are they just replicas of him that have just experienced more degrading time in the world (the Young Man on the right, the Older Responsible one in the centre, and the Ancient Decaying one on the left)?  I'm leaning towards the latter - you say Old Lefty reflects mistakes made during Jam's training, implying that Jam remembers those lessons, and yet he is grilled about his overnight activities as if it was news to his selves, which makes me doubt that they do, in fact, share consciousness.  I think the mechanic would be stronger if it were explored further, with each reflection's relevance being revealed through the action of the story.  Still, it's a good story that makes you think.

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I wanted to leave the nature of the mirrors a bit vague, both to keep the story from getting too long and expanding out to time skips or flashbacks that move the reader around in time and location, but also to maintain some mystery and let the reader come up with their interpretation of how they work.

However, if you'd like my version of what they are:

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As you correctly guessed, the mirrors are a tool Jan created to split his personality. He can put aside his charming, social side and focus on his studies, or bring out his most mature, calculating and businesslike side to run the shop and its affairs. The leftmost Jan was the adventurous and reckless one, the one that took upon itself to experiment, take risks and, as unfortunately happened, fail sometimes. This effectively broke off a part of his personality and the parts that remain both try to live on while also striving to find a way to recover what was lost. Being reprimanded for abusing the shared physical body the different aspects of Jan is a way to imply that the way we apply ourselves may seem like the right thing to do for one aspect of our minds, while another might view it as frivolous or troublesome.

We all balance different aspects of ourselves. The person we are at work may be quite different to the one at home, for example, and the person we are around loved ones and family may differ further from the person that emerges under duress. The mirrors were a way to try and explore that concept in a more concrete and fantastical way.

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[Sinitrena]

And we have a winner!

A pretty clear one, this time around:

WHAM: 1 point
Baron: 2 points
Rootbound + Stupot: 3 points
Mandle: 6 points

Congrats, Mandle, your turn to host!

As for my own comments:

Rootbound:

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A very sad story about a very sad protagonist. Whether it's all in her head or real actually makes very little diference, which is interesting. A good, solid story. It might benefit the story if we spend a bit more time with the protagonist before the supernatural (or craziness) starts, just to feel a stronger connection with her. But that's a really minor point. (Also, as a sidenote, the story reminded me of an episode of Buffy (in one of the earlier seasons), about a girl that turns invisible because nobody notices her anyway.)

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WHAM:

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For me, this story feels incomplete. it feels like a set-up, an introduction to the world - and then the story should be about the consequences or shenenigans Jan (or different versions of Jan) get up to, the reactions to him and the problems such a situation brings. I liked it, but I didn't feel satisfied. This is an early chapter in a book, not a short-story (though a book I would read.)

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Stupot:

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I find Aven's decision to go to the laundrette weird. She wants to avoid people. The best way to do so would be to pay attention when people in her building use the laundry room. But whatever, that's hardly important to the story. This is a good look into the lonelyness of people surrounded by people and the consequences of suffering disfigurement and how it influences someone. It's interesting that she seems to open up to her mirror-self (and I would assume no supernatural element in your story, she's just talking to herself), though I wonder if it's enough for her to open up to the world at large now as well. Realistically, probably not, but the story is still a hopefull one. Well done.

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Baron:

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Hannah's mother is a monster. Sending her child to a camp she clearly doesn't want to go without any consideration for her well-being. Reading the story not as a campfire tale or horror or anything supernatural, one could read it as Hannah breaking from the stress of being in a situation she doesn't want to be in and where she felt unsafe. I don't think that was your intended interpretation, and reading it as a simple horror-y tale is more fun. And it works as such.

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Mandle:

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This story is complicated in its premise and offers little as to an explanation. Why toy with the poor guy so much? Why is he important? Is he the only one to have duplicates in different worlds or does everybody? A lot of questions left at the end. I don't think the rather disconnected structure is the best way to tell it, because it makes it so easy to miss important details Also, the title is confusing, because it seems to have so little to do with what the story is really about. All that said, the story provides a compelling mystery that could be explored further, especially the aspect of how all these versions of the same person are so different and if they really are in any sense of the word "the same", or just look simliar. What makes someone the person they are? An interesting philosophical concept.

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Once again, congratulations, Mandle!

[Mandle]

WHAM, that is a truly awesome concept! I didn't completely catch that intention from reading the story in its current form, I must admit. I could be thick, though. But, also maybe an expanded version with a bit more of that theme in it could be the go?

[RootBound]

Congrats, Mandle! Great job.

[Stupot]

Here are my promised comments about the stories. I liked all of them, and really enjoyed this round.

Rootbound

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I liked this a lot. It's a well-told tale, full of gorgeous visual treats. I'm not 100% sure what (if anything) it's supposed mean. Was it an allegory of the main character's decent into depression, or their reluctant acceptance of the need to conform, or something else?

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Wham

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This is a really good idea and I love the image of Jan and his three reflections all interacting with each other. To me, though, it felt like the opening chapter to something longer. The story ended just when things were about to start happening. I can only imagine all the hijinks that our Jans get up to in order to achieve their goals. Such a set-up could make for a great puzzley adventure game.

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Baron

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This has a real spooky creepypasta/urban legend vibe to it, which I love. And it ends on a creepy note, which is as much a cliffhanger to a first chapter or a prologue as it is the ending to a short story. You've built such a strong world with Hannah and her particular traits and her awkward relationship with the other girls, that it's hard not to expect more action and drama beyond what we get in this short snippet.

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Mandle

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Despite being the longest of the bunch, this one kept me hooked. A lot of great ideas, some nice little twists and an intresting character.
If anything, there's just a little bit too much to think about. But I only see that as potential, rather than a problem. This could easily be turned into a novel (I was getting low-key 'House of Leaves' vibes from it) and given space to breathe. After reading this, my mind was racing with all the possibilities.

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Thanks for everyone's comments and feedback about my story.

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It seems that not everyone cottoned onto the fact that the stranger in the laundrette was actually her reflection. It was never meant to be a big Shyamalanian "twist" as such, but neither was it meant to be ambiguous, hence the pointed reference to the one door at the beginning and the two doors at the end.

My first draft had the character 'Neva' walking away at the end feeling uplifted that the girl in the laundrette had made her feel beautiful again (Neva, being the mirror version of Aven), and that was to be the big on-the-nose 'ta-da', but I dropped it for a more subtle approach.

I did, however, learn in my research of mirror names, that Lana is Anal backwards.

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[WHAM]

Congratulations Mandle! A well earned win!

[RootBound]

@Stupot Here's my own interpretation of my story, if you're interested. 

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I was going for "ambiguous surrealism" in the vein of Kafka's The Metamorphosis. As Sinitrena said, it almost doesn't matter if the ongoing disappearance is literal or allegorical because the effect is the same (in my opinion).

For my own part, I was trying to convey what it feels like from the inside to experience a certain kind of depression, and I find that for me personally, describing it literally is (often) insufficient to carry the proper emotional weight. Surrealism, to me, is an excellent vehicle for imbuing everything with the right kind of horror and unease. Glad you enjoyed it! 

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[Mandle]

I was trying to convey what it feels like from the inside to experience a certain kind of depression, and I find that for me personally, describing it literally is (often) insufficient to carry the proper emotional weight. Surrealism, to me, is an excellent vehicle for imbuing everything with the right kind of horror and unease.

I have never thought of this factor as clearly as you just stated it. I guess I only really consciously thought of analogous stories, such as Animal House, as pared-down versions of more complex subjects that zero in on the core issue and make it easier to digest. I never consciously thought about them being used to have the reader experience, at a gut-level, the same feelings the character is going through. I guess, in a way, it's like how movies use music to have us feel the emotion a character is feeling.

(Of course, I meant "Animal Farm" above and typed "Animal House" by accident, but thought it so funny that I just left it that way)

[Mandle]

And, oops, I wrote my second-to-last post and, when I posted it, I got the warning that someone had posted in the meanwhile. I was off to bed, so barely registered it was Sini announcing me as winner.

Stoked!

I will have the new theme up presently; a bit of a departure from traditional short story form.