Zombie Epic needs crits

Vince Twelve · Sat 08/10/2005 03:22:30

The three Governesses and their daughters undertake a long journey into the desert to kill a child who is prophesized to bring destruction to the golden city. Their journey is about to come to a sudden end.

I wrote this up for the Monthly story contest and there are about five days left to polish it up, so I wanted some imput. I'm confident with the story and its construction but I'm not confident with the actual writing part. I'm particularly worried about my ability to help the reader keep the six characters straight. And while you're reading, make sure I keep the proper tense throughout.

Here it is. It's around ten pages.

"A Long Procession is Brought to an End When a Black Silhouette Appears on the Horizon"
(an epic story needs an epic title, right?)

.doc format
.txt format

Any critiques are welcome. Thanks!

Kweepa · Sat 08/10/2005 04:14:58

It's a well written story, but as you feared, you slipped from present tense to past tense about 2/3 of the way through, and after about a page, back to present.
There are some typos - an "it's" where there should be "its", a stray "a" in "of a the last of the", and a missing full stop at the end of the third to last paragraph. Unless I misunderstood, the end of the second paragraph should be "Six." not "Thirty-eight."
I didn't have any trouble keeping the characters straight.

Thanks! I enjoyed it!

Vince Twelve · Sat 08/10/2005 04:52:24

Thanks for that. I'm fixing those typos right now. And the thirty-eight was left over from before I changed it to six. Good catch there.

Could you point me in the direction of the past tense?

Thanks!

EDIT: I updated the file fixing those few mistakes, but I still can't find the past tense you're talking about. It's probably just because I've been staring at this story for so long that I've become blind to its problems...

Kweepa · Sat 08/10/2005 15:05:49

There's a bit starting "Orange... you...". It's shorter than I remembered. Four sentences.
There's also an earlier sentence that is probably a typo - "A third voice cut through".

Vince Twelve · Sat 08/10/2005 15:38:53

Awesome. I fixed it up. Thanks Steve! That was a big help.

Any other comments or critiques from anyone would be quite helpful!

LGM · Sat 08/10/2005 15:53:24

My advice is to give it a few days and them come back to it for a quick readthrough. You start to notice alot of things you were overlooking before.

Exorph · Sat 08/10/2005 16:04:46

Well, it seems like he only has a few days to finish it.

TheCheese33 · Sat 08/10/2005 17:39:56

Great story. I suggest showing it to some of your friends or neighbors, and get their input. They can work with you to fix and polish everything up. Personally, I think we have a winner here for the contest.

EDIT: Forgot to mention this, but I like the Arabian theme. You know, not many people around here do it, because they're worried it's to generic. In fact, it's used too little.

Vince Twelve · Sun 09/10/2005 01:32:51

Quote from: TheCheese33 on Sat 08/10/2005 17:39:56I suggest showing it to some of your friends or neighbors, and get their input. They can work with you to fix and polish everything up.

Well, none of my friends or neighbors speak English. So, posting here on the CL would be doing exactly that.

Thanks for your comments though!