When I go through the Vales of Sorrow ,
When I feel as your heart flows down the River of Perdition ,
Mine bleeds and it feeds upon the pain of myself,
While it sips each and every drop of sweat from your body,
May you rest in peace, shall god listen to my constant pleas?
I suppose the answer is clear as your tear, no …
That is why I will fear , for ever all ,
And I will stay here , as long as I must ,
I shall do so , until I ,at the very last,
will fall,
And then , for no mercy I hope , just the truesome death,
But no , no such pleasure , even though the sun has set,
Upon my weary shoulders it rests, still, the burden so heavy , I must
Even kneel , yet I am not allowed nor told to touch it,
For it would be the most apocalypse if I should do so,
Therefore I shall be thrown into that everlasting pit,
So I say goodbyes , and may your eyes ,
So glistening , like pair of opals at night , shall always be lit…..
And so be it , I'm endful at last , I longed so much ,
Do not do the same mistake,
Please , do not push away neither your mother's warm touch,
Nor any others at all,
For if you shall do so , the pressure will start toÃ, grow tall ,
And then , all the leafs shall fall ,
No more spring or summer for thy soul,
Just autumn and winter all the precious year,
And afterwards , to pieces you are to be torn….Ã,Â
Hi. I tend to find myself writing such stuff when I feel inspired or feel moody or whatever. I looked through my stuff and thought why not send it here. It's not much of a poem, well more a free poem or how do you call it in english. :)
Anyway , I'm not english so my words are limited highly therefore there is no fancy words in it ;). Just tell me what you think.Ã, ;D
Well, I guess I'll be the first to start.
I understand that english is probably not your first language, however, there are a lot of grammatical errors in the poem, for example:
"Do not DO the same mistake", change "DO" to "MAKE"
"And then , all the LEAFS shall fall", change "LEAFS" to "LEAVES"
I don't really see any constant theme within the poem, maybe death? loss of a loved one? The first few lines I have no idea what is going on.
"I suppose the answer is clear as your tear, NO...." I don't feel you need to add the 'NO'. It ruins the flow of rhyming words in that part of the poem.
I'm not an expert in poems. Just a few suggestions.
There's no space before the comma, just after it. Like in the sentence I just wrote.
Suddenly there's a "thy" in the text, which sounds very archaic, especially as the rest of the poem is in a more modern style.
As for the poem itself. I think you should try to find a more personal, down to earth style. Right now your piece is a mixture of beat-poetry and the book of revelation.
Slow down the pace, be a bit more focused and don't write down everything you think sounds impressive.
This may sound harsh, but poetry is extremely difficult to carry out if you're gonna go for this kind of complexed and high-blown language.
Darn, it's difficult either way.
Well, you still have a creative spirit flowing there, and I'm sure you'll develop immensely once you find your personal style. Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey- thanks for your replies. I'll keep in mind your regards. Yeah , English is my second language. The first one is Polish which I don't favor as much as English that is why I'm studying it hard. I'm not that bad in it , but Poetry is something else as you know. It's hard to make good poetry while being a foreigner but you know it's just for hobby and it helps me relax. :)
Somehow Polish language doesn't quite seem so beutiful as english. Oh, and the theme was supposed to be Guilt athough there was some Death in it aswell but it wasn't the point. Again , i apprecciate your replies , really.
Adam
I don't think Polish is such a bad language, although it suits certain themes better than others, whereas English can pass for anything.
If you want a good Polish role-model, you could hang around until Goldmund appears, he can critique your texts better than anyone here.
I actually hope we could get more poetry into the critics lounge, it's definitaly an area not properly covered :)