C and c on idea, dialogue and drawing.

[Bookaholic]

I must be butter, 'cause I'm on a roll! 

WARNING: This post will eventually become extremely long. If you have the patience to go through it, please do so and leave constructive comments. If not, well, you've been warned.

PLOT:
I had thought of a simple game idea. A strange disease is affecting people. The victims rapidly go into comas, but their metabolic functions reach an all-time high, and the extreme level of wear and tear slowly kills the person as the muscles and organs wear themselves out. Enter the protagonist, Derek Miles, an up and coming doctor with some rather unconventional ideas. His wife is one of the victims of the fatal disease, and he decides to use his experimental nano-machine to shrink himself to a molecular level and get injected into her blood stream. After all, the best clues to catching a criminal are at the scene of the crime. But before he can, his is apprehended and taken to court, accused of being the perpatrator. After all, with the knowledge and resourses, and a backlog of experiments, it seems quite an open and shut case. So Judge Basset thinks. But innocent until proven guilty, they say, so he can't be convicted until there's cast-iron proof, with a motive to match. Nevertheless, he's been put under house arrest, and a detective has been sent to investigate. How to find the real criminals, and find a cure before it's too late? That one's up to you.


I wrote a scrap of dialogue, and I'd like to know what you people think. This would take place near to the end of the story. It's between the Derek and the puppet-master that seems to be running the show. The brain!

     "You're supposed to tell them what to do. Leave them to deal with the how. They know what they can cope with. But you, you're driving them into the ground!"
     "They were... inefficient. I have remedied it. She is now faster and stronger."
     "But to what purpose? you've robbed her of all voluntary action! She's practially in a coma! What sort of brain are you?!"
     "My purpose is to serve the body, to protect it by second guessing rash and impulsive actions. But second guesses are rarely heeded. Now she is safe."
     "This is madness. Yes, it's logical, terrifyingly so; and a brain is, by it's very nature, logical. But how many normal brains have ever staged a takover? The muscles and organs are overworked, the body is dying, you must understand that! .......... You... should be able to undertand it. But it's not really you pulling the strings anymore, is it?"
     ".... I....."
     "God, I've been so stupid!"

So finally he finds the virus.

All those unfinished branches are what connects it.... her.... them to the background, which is basically just a mesh of nerve fibres. She's supposed to lok more crystalline, but meh.

     "Greetings. I am CR-33 series Delta. You may call me Creed."
     "So you're causing all this? What are you? A machine? An organic virus?"
     "A measure of both. I'm am an experimant. One of thousands. I was sent to corrupt data so that the program could be deleted."
     "Sent? By who?"
     "You already know them, Doctor. They are [spoiler erased]. They were so afraid that you would stop them with your new machine."
     "So why didn't you just lock mee out? Why all these intricate puzzles? Why let me reach here?"
     ".......I wanted... to see you. To see how far you would go for her. I felt some.... compassion, I think. A sympathy to your cause. Silly, is it not? "
     "No. It's... human. That's what worries me."

After asking a few more questions, she closes up again.

     "Access to classified files denied!"
     "Come on Creed, don't go all machine on me again. There's organic life inside there somewhere!"
     "Access denied. Access denied. Access denied."
     "Please, Creed!"
     "I am sorry doctor. I can not allow you to stop me. If I fail, I will be terminated."
     "No! I can help you!"
     "If you persist, I will be forced to take action."
     "Listen to me, I..."
     "SECURITY BREACH!"

White blood cells swarm in, blocking out the entire screen.

Is this the end? Dun dun duuuun....


The Organs

They're really rough right now, but this is just the concept. I'll probably have modified them beyond all recognition before I'm done. I still need an idea for the brain, though.
This is actually in reference to a lecture the Doctor is attending, before a call comes to tell him his wife has collapsed. I'll tell you about it later.


DETAIL:

Cutscene 1:
We see the front af a small suburban house. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, an alarm is ringing......
Close in on an open window to show a giant roll of blanket on a double bed. The roll mutters and turns over, and a tousled head sticks out the top. An arm comes out an shuts off the alarm
Cut to a view of the alarm clock. The digital display reads ten-fifty.
Cut to room. The person shoots out of bed in shock, then slumps again when the alarm is found to be upside-down.

Scene 1:
Derek is in his bedroom. There is a bed in the right corner, a bedside table, a closet in the left corner, a window above the bed, and a door to the left.
*The player may interact with items here and in the rest of the house to their heart's content. And it's preferable to do so before you leave.*
Clicking on the door takes Derek to the hallway. There are two more doors, and a staircase. The doors lead to his brother's room, and his childrens' room. His children have not yet left for school. Everyone can be spoken to, though just for entertainment value.
Clicking on the stairs takes you down. Here there is the front door, a kitchenette, a small dining room, and a living room. There is a dog asleep on the rug. Derek's wife Linda is cooking. She does not look very well. She may be fussed over.
*Just about everything in the house can be interacted with, so fuss over your wife, pet the dog, irritate your brother, embarrass your children, fiddle with everything and get scolded, shouted at, or ignored while you pocket it. Or just irritate and embarrass everyone if you like.*
Click on the front door when you're done.

Cutscene 2:
Derek drives to work. Or, more accurately, to attend a lecture at work.

Scene 2:
Enter a large hall. The lecture hasn't started yet. Talk to a few people, and listen in on a few coversations, partcularly the one at the centre table which seems to be gathering a crowd. The participants in the argumant are being terrifyingly, chillingly polite to one another. Sounds bad. When you're ready, talk to the man on the stage to begin the lecture. After a while, Derek's mind drifts, and he wonders how Linda is.

Cutscene 3:
Fade in to the house again. The dog is awake, and everything is in black and white. I think you know where this is going.

Scene 3:
Everything can still be interacted with. Linda REALLY doesn't seem well. Interact with her. She collapses. The children are at school and the brother is out. The first problem is how to find someone with opposable thumbs, and can use a phone.

Cutscene 4:
Help is found, and Linda is taken to the hospital. Derek is called. He rushes out, but is stopped by some official looking men. They plan to arrest him for abusing the facilities of his lab for illegal genetic experimantation. He protests, saying it's all perfectly legal and he has the papers to prove it. Several doctors back him up. After a while it is discovered that the papers cannot be found, and Derek suddenly finds himself very alone. He is taken to court.

Scene 5:
Courtroom. You can talk to people if you want, and even try to sneak out. Doesn't work. Talk to your lawyer. After the coversation, the Honourable Judge Basset walks in. The hearing begins. It doesn't matter how you plead, so say what you like. She thinks you're guilty anyway.
*I have not yet written the dialogue for this scene, but here's a snippet of just before Derek leaves.
"D'you know why they call me 'the Basset', boy? I'm gonna hound you till you're behind bars. You can bet on that."*

Scene 6:
Under house arrest. It's night.

That's it so far. I still have to figure out how to implement the detective, and how I'm going to switch between him and the doctor. It might be confusing. Any help and suggestions for this, puzzles etc. would be very welcome

[Emerald]

The concept is really interesting (especially if you had like, two characters - the doctor who's inside her bloodstream, figuring out why she's ill, and another detective who's out in the real world trying to find the culprits who infected her with the virus)

The dialog is a bit corny. It's not too bad, but it seems like you're trying too hard. Dialog should flow from experience -- the less you focus on it, the more natural it'll sound.
For example, have you ever heard anyone in real life seriously respond to something  by saying "This is madness!"

Even if he's tenacious and heroic, coming face-to-face with a cybernetic organism housed in your wife's brain would warrant a considerable emotional response. I'd imagine him being a lot more upset and fearful than that dialogue makes him out to be...

Anyway, the idea is awesome.

[brokenbutterfly]

This makes me think of Trauma Center (DS game) and Innerspace (movie with Dennis Quaid).

I like how Creed looks, evil and stylish  "don't go all machine on me again" is a great line!

[Questionable]

If it's nnected to the wall like a series of nerves, why not try for a more organic look as opposed to crysalline. It'll be easier to draw and it would be a cool mesh of bio-technology.

[Bookaholic]

The concept is really interesting (especially if you had like, two characters - the doctor who's inside her bloodstream, figuring out why she's ill, and another detective who's out in the real world trying to find the culprits who infected her with the virus)

What's scary is that I had actually thought about that. Stop hacking into my brain! 

have you ever heard anyone in real life seriously respond to something  by saying "This is madness!"

I did once. You wouldn't believe the look I got. 
But I agree, the organs and virus can afford to sound like they do, but the good Doctor really needs to sound more natural.

Even if he's tenacious and heroic, coming face-to-face with a cybernetic organism housed in your wife's brain would warrant a considerable emotional response. I'd imagine him being a lot more upset and fearful than that dialogue makes him out to be...

Well he is just a doctor with a penchant for genetic engineering. I imagine a virus would be highly unexpected.  : But I see your point, I'll work on it. I guess I just have a weakness for dramatic dialogue. 

If it's nnected to the wall like a series of nerves, why not try for a more organic look as opposed to crysalline. It'll be easier to draw and it would be a cool mesh of bio-technology.

This was actually the easiest thing for me to do. I'll admit that a more organic look might be more feasible, but I saw a picture of a bacteriophage virus in my bio book, and just fell in love with the design. It actually looks like a miniature robot, with a crystal for a body and lots of legs for scuttling.

I like how Creed looks, evil and stylish  "don't go all machine on me again" is a great line!

Heh, thanks for that.

I'm going to more stuff until I come up with a more or less coherant plot. I'll add it to my previous post, so you guys keep commenting!

[Emerald]

Interesting... why are the organs represented by people? (I imagine 'the kidney' is looking alone and depressed because her counterpart was donated away at some point...)
Are they part of something like a dream sequence, or is the whole thing going to be a bit more surreal?

"D'you know why they call me 'the Basset', boy? I'm gonna hound you till you're behind bars. You can bet on that."*

That doesn't seem like a very fair and balanced thing for a judge to say
Especially 'cause criminal judges aren't like Judge Judy -- their only job is to maintain order and make sure everything's done in a legal matter. Saying something like that is very much illegal because it influences the jury. In fact, if a judge did say something like that, it would be grounds for a mistrial.

That's it so far. I still have to figure out how to implement the detective, and how I'm going to switch between him and the doctor. It might be confusing. Any help and suggestions for this, puzzles etc. would be very welcome

The detective could be an old friend, or he himself could have a wife/child who's afflicted with the virus. You could have a big conversation-puzzle where you have to convince the detective to help you.

Also, switching between them at will would probably be a bit confusing. Especially since there's no real reason for them to interact, so the amount of puzzles where they need to be controlled in parallel to each other would be rare. I'd just switch between them after every second scene or so.