this is a story I wrote. I like it for the most part, but I wonder what others think of it.
I can't improve without critics
***
He sat dry mouthed and gape jawed. He didn’t usually do this, but then he wasn’t used to being dead. Most people aren’t, but then most people aren’t soldiers. His brain was slowed down to 1/40, so slow that he didn’t even blink fast enough, so his eyes had to depend on the clear gel pack to stay moist. Good thing he had the gel packs, all he could do was watch. Something blurred at the corner of his eye, but it was gone before he could see it, probably some rat equivalent only the scientists would like. Well he was stuck here, might as well get comfortable, for a Dead guy. These and other thoughts slid slowly round his head as he sat waiting for evacuation. C’mon, when was the evac. ship going to get here? He sat, remembering the battle, it had gone well, he thought, They had flanked the bustards and then impaled them on the "Vang Cross and Strike" As far as he could tell, a lucky sniper had got him, he had been too exposed at the time he tried to take out that bogie. When he woke, there was no one around but the Dead. The official term for it was M.S.P., (Metabolistic Slowdown and Preservation) but to him, and most enlisted men, he was Dead. Not all-dead, the final show, the last hurrah, just Dead. Christ! Where were they?! When a brain turned morbid like that, you knew you had been waiting way too long. He was glad all the nerves were turned off down there or else he would have a monster itch, and no way to scratch. Oh great, now his eyeballs itched. why had he even thought of scratching. He would have laughed at the total absurdity of it, but he couldn’t do that either, but at least sounds of laughter echoed around his head. Ok, calm down, he was cracking up and he knew it, just calm down and pretend to take a deep breath. That nearly set him off again, but he squelched it in time. Still, this waiting was starting to really get to him. If they didn’t pick him up soon, he would go nuts, if he wasn’t already! How would he know he was crazy anyway? Well his thinking would be gibbled, but with his thinking gibbled, he wouldn’t be able to tell if he was crazy. That did set him off, laughter crackling inside his head.
He was so busy laughing, he didn’t notice the approach of the evacuation unit. He hardly noticed as they coldly looked over the Dead for sustainables, his near corpse looked over like a side of meat. "What do you think?" the junior medic asked "Well, this ones doing ok, physically, but endorphin readings say this one is going to need a lot of work to prep back to rated status" the older, more pragmatic senior medic answered. "Should we take him?" "Might as well, who knows, might be a soldier again some day" Having looked over the other Dead, loading the sustainable ones, as well as the all-dead, the heavily loaded evac ship rose into the uncaring sky.
***
there, what do you think? what can I can I improve, what is good (if any) I would be most grateful for any c+c
Pretty good!
thanks Alliance,but any more informative critics then that?
Nice story! I was all critical at the beginning, but as the story went one, I got more interested in it, and forgot to be looking for problems.
I don't think gape jawed is an actual term. Could be wrong.
"His brain was slowed down to 1/40" seems a very troublesome phrase. Had slowed down? 1/40th of what?
Aside from that, you could have made it one of those damnable stories people like so much by having the soldier NOT picked up in the end. Irony or something ::) .
As it is now, although it's a happy ending, it's hardly interesting. And I didn't really get the "he's gone mad" feeling.
and now my response to a well worded critique
( thanks Babar)
QuoteI don't think gape jawed is an actual term. Could be wrong.
yes, your right, it not a real term, I was trying to describe a him being mostly dead, all none essential prosseses shut down.
the "1/40" could have been better clairified. sorry, it means his brain is only going at 1/ 40th of what it normaly is. this all part of M.S.P., Metabolistic Slowdown and Preservation. I would have let the guy rot, but i have a sequel in mind.
Indeed, the story does get better in the middle. But the beginning is the most interesting part.
sat dry mouthed and gape jawed. [those are weird and confusing verbs to use in the first line. Try something extreemly visual like "He lay in the mud with his mouth wide open. The dried up mud on his cheeks made it feel like his skin cracked open. Most people never lie in such an aukward position..."]
He didn't usually do this, but then he wasn't used to being Dead. Most people aren't, but then most people aren't soldiers.
His brain was slowed down to 1/40 [Do brains move? try "His mind was ten times slower," since people don't see the difference between 10 and 40 times.], so slow that he didn't even blink fast enough, so his eyes had to depend on the clear gel pack to stay moist.
Good thing he had the gel packs, all he could do was watch. [why is that a good thing?]
rat equivalent only the scientists would like. [would fascinate a biologist?]
thoughts slid slowly round his head [can't find "sliding thoughts" on dictoionary.com. slipped?]
bustards [basterds?]
Christ! Where were they?! When a brain turned morbid like that, you knew you had been waiting way too long. [is this first of third person? third person is out of place, but there are no quotes.]
"What do you think?" the junior medic asked.
"Well, this ones doing ok, physically, but endorphin readings say this one is going to need a lot of work to prep back to rated status," the older, more pragmatic senior medic answered.
"Should we take him?"
"Might as well, who knows, might be a soldier again some day."
Having looked over the other Dead, loading the sustainable ones, as well as the all-dead, the heavily loaded evac ship rose into the uncaring sky.
Don't forget to jump to a new line after the subject changes.
People can't understand the fictional techo-talk anyway, so why not describe the devices.
thanks jet, I think I'll do a rewrite, explain the techno babble in more detail and yes, Bustard is a misspelling :o ;D but he is paralysed, the only things more then minimally operational are his eyes and brain. I'll explain that better in the rewrite.