Story?

[Grapefruitologist]

Hey, I just finished writing part 1 of my story. It's for this new room called The Boneyard that's going to be released for an A-Life game called Docking Station. I'd appreciate any advice on anything you think should be changed.
http://www.freewebs.com/rulezszs/

[jetxl]

Hmm, it's not bad, but you're story is swinging a bit too much. One paragraph, for example, is filled with small expanations about why the woods are avoided. But none of the stories go anywhere. Why put those dead ends in the main story?

Another thing that bothered me was the first line "Now these days, when we look out into the ocean, we are more likely to see a bunch of fish and water and maybe a couple of ships."
The first line is important to hook people and make them read more. It's logical that when you look at the ocean you see water. Is there a need to explaning that to your audience? And was this ever different?

Past and present tense changes too.

But my biggest criticism is the narrator not even believing that what he tells it true. It makes me feel that you, the story writer, doesn't want to commit to the story (or at least one story idea). The title
"The Vampire Guy" and the adding "Yes, I know it's a crappy name," confirms that you don't really believe in your own story. You don't have to claim that it's the best story ever, but don't bash your own creations to get sympathy and support.

My advice, don't write 100 different story fragments but 1 story about a tree with a face, no side lining, no red harrings.

[Grapefruitologist]

Hmm, it's not bad, but you're story is swinging a bit too much. One paragraph, for example, is filled with small expanations about why the woods are avoided. But none of the stories go anywhere. Why put those dead ends in the main story?

This is only part 1. The graveyard in the woods is where the whole story will take place. Hauser Island was made up for the graveyard, not the other way around. What happens next will take place in Hauser Island, but soon after that it will all be focused on the graveyard.

Another thing that bothered me was the first line "Now these days, when we look out into the ocean, we are more likely to see a bunch of fish and water and maybe a couple of ships."
The first line is important to hook people and make them read more. It's logical that when you look at the ocean you see water. Is there a need to explaning that to your audience? And was this ever different?

I know. I was thinking about changing that first line, it kind of bothered me too. I'll try rewriting that a little later.

Past and present tense changes too.

Yeah. I was trying to switch from past to present tense without it looking obvious, because at first I wanted to be talking about the way the island USED to be, but then I wanted it to sound like I was talking about an island that still exists, like you're there. I wasn't sure how to do that any other way.

But my biggest criticism is the narrator not even believing that what he tells it true. It makes me feel that you, the story writer, doesn't want to commit to the story (or at least one story idea). The title
"The Vampire Guy" and the adding "Yes, I know it's a crappy name," confirms that you don't really believe in your own story. You don't have to claim that it's the best story ever, but don't bash your own creations to get sympathy and support.

Heheh. The title is sort of a joke, because I was talking to other people about how we needed to write the "vampire guy story". I added "Yes, I know it's a crappy name," because I didn't want anybody to think I was being serious about that title. I planned to change that later.
I wasn't trying to get sympathy at all. xD

My advice, don't write 100 different story fragments but 1 story about a tree with a face, no side lining, no red harrings.

This was somewhat neccessary to set up the plot for part 2. I wanted there to be some suspense and mystery about what was really in the woods, and make it clear that nobody really knew what was in there but everybody was curious. In part 2, they will find old letters in an attic explaining what parts of the story are true and which aren't.
I probably should have finished part 2 before posting part 1.
EDIT: No wait. It may take a while to get part 2 finished. I'll post when I'm done.

[jetxl]

I hope I haven't offended you personally, since you're defending against all my points of criticism.
At school, all our work has to be swapped with fellow class mates for criticism, and there is no nice way around it.
I haven't dissected your work in detail since you're writing as a hobby and not for a grade, and it is vacation after all. So, I thought that I was mild. If not then forget what I said.

[Grapefruitologist]

No, not at all, I'm not trying to be so defensive, I just should have explained what part 2 is about better. I expected it to be much harsher, but you gave some good points, and I'm trying to take your advice where I can. Though a lot of the stuff you said was about stuff that wouldn't be finished until Part 2 is all and I was just trying to point out the reasons for that. You gave good advice, so thanks. =D
I'll put up part 2 later though and see if anybody can come up with any problems with that.