In Ghost Light - poetry.

[PsychicHeart]

Hey guys, haven't posted in a while.
I wrote this a few days ago.
Crits appreciated.


You feel as if you're flying.
Your feet are only just barely touching the ground.
The gravel becomes smooth, wet even.
You try and make out individual faces,
but you eventually give up.

You realise the futility of everything.
You start to question what a human heart is.
A sick, sweet sound resonates through your head.
Your eyes close, maybe for a second, maybe for a week.
You wouldn't be able to tell either way.

Every now and then you'll see something that reminds you of humanity.
Most folks see something symbolic or religious or something.
Like a Jesus statue or something, you know?
Which is ironic, when you think about it.

You wake up in seven places, but not all at the same time.
Your left arm might be able to function, make a pot of coffee or something,
But your left foot?
Forget it, it's gone, won't be coming back for another couple hours.
The worst part is when you realise you're alone.

You fish around for a bottle of pills or a knife,
or a gun if you own one.
You put the pills to your mouth,
the knife to your arms,
the gun to your head.

At the last minute you pussy out.
Like you ever had the fucking guts anyway, you fucking piece of shit.
You scream, scream like the heavens themselves are listening.
They aren't.
There's no reply, no response of any kind.
Today's not the day you have a catharsis, man.
It never is.

[S]

I like it when it gets verbal, like someone's talking - more of that, less of the emo clichès and the suicide stuff.

[Sean]

Hey Melancholy,

I like the style and construction. I'm not so keen on the theme.

I'm a pretty positive and happy person myself, all this talk of pills,guns and knives just isn't my thing. Always look on the bright side, eh?

I like the way the poem opens up, and invites the reader into a 'haze'. For the first stanza or two, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on or what was happening. I like that.

What I really like, is how towards the end of the poem the tone, and nature of the 'voice' changes. Clarity approaches and the voice assumes a darker but crucially more decisive tone.

There is a shift from uncertainty, to some degree of clarity.

I think that works well.

I am a fan of the 'visceral' nature of things'. "...the last minute you pussy out" in contrast to "You feel as if you're flying"

However, the actual 'climax' leaves something to be desired.  The opening hints at something complicated, and unknown. When we get to the end, it feels a little 'one-dimensional'.

"Oh noes, bad day, I must shoots myselfs! kthxbai!!"

For me, that undermines the more sophisticated build-up. It's a bit anti-climatic.

Overall I like it, it's a nice and neat poem. There are a few words, and phrasings I'd think twice about myself but that's just minor details and all a mater of personal preference.

Be sure to share some more poetry in future, and perhaps pick something a bit BRIGHTER!

I hope the bleak, and oppressive tone of the poem isn't reflective of your actual state of mind. You have the potential to write good poetry. That's at least one ray of light, right there!

Peace

- Sean