Intro story to Realm of Darkness- does it intrigue you?

[Trisk]

Hey! I'm trying to really make this intro special and unique, so I want it to really get the player intrigued. Can you read through this and tell me if this interests you to find out what happens next? Thoughts, opinions, and questions are welcome, though I may not answer if it violates the carefully guarded secrets of the story... ;b

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Jacob, the main character, gets a call from his brother. They haven't talking in years...in fact, they haven't talked since their parents died. Jacob had been out of the country researching a book, and Mike took all the inheritance and ran off with it.

So when Mike calls, and what's more sounds scared, Jacob is more than a little stunned. Mike asks to meet with him, and hangs up suddenly. Jacob is unsure, as he is still very angry with Mike, but he also loves his little brother and decides to go.

Mike is somewhat incoherent at the meeting, talking about a religious order that he's become involved with. He makes Jacob promise to come looking for him if he should dissappear, then hands him a golden amulet of some sort. Jacob gets upset at Mike's continued evasions to his questions, and storms off.

A few weeks later, the police contact Jacob and tell him they found Mike's car abandoned on a remote section of road near a thick forest. There are no clues whatsoever reguarding the reason for it being there, or Mike's whereabouts. Jacob remembers what Mike told him, about needing Jacob to come after him if anything should happen. A bit nervous himself, Jacob heads to the place where the police found the car.

At first, he finds nothing, just as the police found nothing. But as night falls, he can make out a light twinkling through the trees. Somehow, he knows this must have something to do with what happened to Mike...it is just strange that the police didn't mention it didn't they know about it? Jacob strikes off into the forest and the game begins...
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A word about Jacob: He is a writer, an author of history books. Not very popular history books mind you, so he is sort of a starving artist. He is somewhat short, a fact that Mike, his younger (and taller) brother used to tease him about mercilessly. He is engaged to be married in a couple of months, and is hoping to escape the tragedies of his past. This entire situation has dredged up alot of bad memories for him, and will create its own share of bad memories too, before the story ends.

Let me know how it all strikes ya!
Trisk

[Peter Thomas]

The intro as a whole is quite fascinating. If any of that happened to me, Lord knows how much I'd be crapping my pants. I really do want to know what's happened and what's going to happen.

A couple of things that irked me though:
*I don't believe people can just 'run off' with inheritance. If Jacob was so angry, why not hire a lawyer and try to get it back? Maybe if Mike got at Jacob another way...

*I don't think Jacob would leave that kind of meeting with his brother just because his questions aren't being answered properly. If my brother had screwed me over and suddenly wanted to meet with me, I'd keep pushing until I got answers, no matter how frustrating it got.

*Personally, the golden amulet doesn't do it for me. I suddenly think of every tv show ever made where the 'secret key to the big mysterious door' was the golden amulet the kids had been holding all along. Even if this isn't your intended use for the amulet, that's what it makes me think of. Maybe try substituting the amulet for something not as over-used. A silver ring, for example, could be symbolic, but won't let people make wild assumptions unless they read Lord of the Rings too much

*"Somehow, he knows [the light] must have something to do with what happened to Mike." Nuh-uh. The light is so completely unrelated (at least at this point) to anything that's happened to mike, there's no way Jacob could "just know" it's a sign of some sort. Wouldn't it be motivation enough to go into the woods just to see what was causing the freaky light?

*This may go a lot deeper, so you might be able to ignore this, but from the brief blurb, it doesn't sound like Jacob's had too many tragedies. Having your inheritance taken away might piss you off, but it's not life-altering. Nor is being teased about being short. Outliving your parents would be a blow, yes, but from what you've written it sounds like he's had quite a few years to come to terms with it. And he's getting married soon! (which I assume you are portraying as a good thing, right?)

None of these are really major changes, so you could probably make all the amendments (if, indeed, you decide to) in less than 5 minutes.

I love where this is heading...

[stuh505]

it's not really enough for me to tell yet.  there's nothign wrogn with this intro as I see it, although it seems like a better intro for a book than an adventure game because it might be difficult to script this kind of an intro in a convincing way.  so far, it sounds like a mix between Magic Kingdom of Landover For Sale Sold and The Game.  I think that what you find out about the actual plot is more important

[nihilyst]

Hi!

Sounds quite interesting, although I'd might prefer it in a novel. But, hey!, it's up to you to show me I'm wrong with this.

First suggestions: The death of the parents will become an important thing in the relation to this order. Maybe they were members of it, had found something out and had to be killed for this knowledge. This golden amulet was maybe theirs, and it was part of the heritage.

Since Mike has not been found, it could possibly be, that he is still alive, and furthermore, is participating in an intrigue to somehow involve his brother Jacob with all this.

Well, only suggestions. I'm looking forward to see the game and the story grow.

cheers
nihilyst

[InCreator]

This is quite cool story.
Strong as well, and quite good for an adventure game.
So yes, it strikes!!!

But I absolutely, totally, definetly second what Peter Thomas said!
Yes, superb foreshadowing!
Yes, these little weirdnesses in characters acting in situation sound a bit unreal.
Yes, this is going to be good....... ...!

[Trisk]

Whoa! Hey, thanks for the excellent responses, guys! I'll answer in the order it was sent my justifications for doing what I've done.:

Peter Thomas:

On the subject of Mike running off with the inheritance, this is one of those situations where truth is stanger than fiction. This exact situation happened in my extended family not just once, but TWICE: When my Mother's aunt died, her will split the inheritance between her two children. However, her son had been caring for her when she passed away, and as she distrusted banks and kept all her money in a safe, he took all the money and ran off to Califonia. His sister was understandably crushed, as she was left not only dealing with the death of her mother, but now her brother pulling this on her. Her reaction was to do nothing. She has left it in the hands of the lawyers, and the case has dragged on for over 3 years now...and since my story takes place 2 years after the death of the parents, I think it is actually a very reasonable scenario. Even if Jacob did go after his brother for it, it would take alot of time...I could get more into the details of this, and the other time it happened in my family...but I think that is enough. :b The point is, I didn't suck this plot element out of my thumb, but out of my family history.

As for his storming off from the meeting...Jacob was loathed to even go to it, but his fiance convinced him he probably should. When he gets there, his brother refuses to explain himself...just gives him an amulet and tells him to come looking for him. He also blows off the inheritance thing to a degree, which pisses Jacob off even further...Ultimately though, I had to stop the scene at some point, because due to what happens later in the story, (which you'll understand when you play the game) there was NO WAY Mike would have told him anything, no matter what. So what could Jacob do? Beat his brother to a pulp? Mike still wouldn't have told him...so Jacob just gets mad and leaves.

Well, yes the amulet is a problem. It will be important for Jacob to have it, but it isn't innocuous like what you are thinking. He'll need it right away in the story, and will need it frequently throughout. But I agree with it being kind of corny. Can I maybe PM you on this further? Maybe we could come up with something better.

As for the light in the woods...yes you are right in some ways...I probably overstated the issue in my little write up, but note that this is a LONELY section of road. No houses, nothing. Just a pine forest. There shouldn't be lights out here... In the game, Jacob doesn't know that it has anything to do with Mike, but he goes to investigate and finds...well, he finds it IS related very, very soon. But why didn't the police find it? (play nervous music in your head here.)

As for the tragedies, his parents died in a car accident, and his brother ran off with the money! That is kind of tragic, I should think...again, I probably overstated the issue for the write up, but still...it'd be like loosing your whole family in one day! As for his being short, that was just part of the character bio I've written for him...the game never even states that he is short, it is just something you can probably infer if you look at his size relative to other characters. ;b

Yes, he's had 2 years to deal with it. And he's dealt with it by trying to forget, not face the problem...so this whole thing reopens the wounds for him...wow, this is getting way more detailed in his motivations than the game will probably ever show! But these are his motivations as I see them.

Hopefully that answers some of those issues, let me know if you still find them problematic...I'm trying to get this kind of stuff across in the game script...which is hard, because the STORY of this game is ultimately about Mike. That's kind of a weird way to make a game, I know, but you'll have to play it to see why.

THANK YOU so much for the detailed thoughts! I really appreciate it very much...and I will try to go back into the game and make a few of those things more clear.

stuh and nihilyst-

This is a quick DESCRIPTION of the intro, not the actual SCRIPT of the intro. The actual script has Jacob narating all this stuff to the player himself. As he does, flashbacks show the most important parts of the story. A novel? Well, this game is going to have a deep story with alot of twists...but I don't think that precludes it from being an adventure game. If you don't agree, go play Longest Journey or Gabriel Knight: The Beast Within.

nihilyst-

The parents ARE indirectly involved in this story...VERY indirectly involved. As for is Mike alive or not, and is he trying to involve Jacob in it...well, you'll have to play the game to find that out... > MWAAHAHAHaahaa!!! Seriously, Mike's motivations and actions are at the epicenter of this plot.

InCreator-
Again, read what I said to Peter Thomas on the seeming unreality of the situation... Thanks for the kind words, though!

Everyone, THANK YOU for taking the time to respond! Your battering at my plot will help me know if it is strong enough to stand UP to it, or if you'll point out plot problems that'll collapse the whole thing. I really, really appreciate your taking the time to think on this stuff...ultimately, if I don't hook the player early on, I'll loose 'em. If you have any other thoughts, LET ME KNOW!!!

[nihilyst]

Well, this game is going to have a deep story with alot of twists...but I don't think that precludes it from being an adventure game. If you don't agree, go play Longest Journey or Gabriel Knight: The Beast Within.

I agree, but what I wanted to say, is, that I would probably prefer it as a novel.

BTW: Is "Realm of Darkness" the working title or do you already plan it to be the final title? "Realm of Darkness" sounds very ... profane to me, and it would be a mess, if such a cool and complex story - like yours is certainly going to be - would be stereotyped be it's title.

cheers
nihilyst

[Peter Thomas]

Okay, I think you've managed to explain yourself pretty clearly

*About the inheritance - fair enough. If it's happened in real life, then I can't really say anything to dispute it. It is definitely a good idea, yes, I just didn't think it was really possible. Oh well, a new day, a new thing learned.

*The storming off from the meeting still bothers me a little. I could understand Jacob being nervous about going, but not reluctant. If I had the opportunity to speak with someone who stole my inheritance, there is no way I'd need convincing to go. I'd be there in a flash. And, as you say, if the scene must end, why not have Mike storm off instead? He's contacted his brother to try and help him, but despite how worried he is, the only thing Jacob is interested in is the inheritance. Mike can't say anything, and Jacob won't stand for it. Between the two of them, I think it would most likely be mike that walked away.

*The amulet: glad you see what I'm saying. I didn't really think you were going to use it so blatantly, but it's the sort of thing that you instantly think of whenever a mysterious someone gives you a "golden amulet". Depending on what exactly this amulet 'does', it's quite probable that you could swap it for something a little more normal.

*Light in the woods: to answer the question "why didn't the police see it?" - to me, the logical answer is "it wasn't there". The car was found on an abandoned road near a forest. Police found it, then contacted Jacob. Now, assuming that Jacob doesn't conveniently live right opposite this abandoned road near a forest, it would certainly take some time for him to travel - more than enough time for a light to appear that wasn't there before. I'm thinking from your blurb that maybe the police DID see it, but for whatever reason didn't mention it, but the amount of time between police finding the car and Jacob seeing the car - I think - provides ample opportunity for this light to be added AFTER the police leave.

*The tragedies: fair enough. If he's been running from them instead of dealing with them, then yes - these events probably would tear open old scars.

[EDIT] - I had completely forgotten about the title of the game. But I do agree somewhat with nihilyst. "Realm of Darkness" sounds a bit cute. Like the title of the next release in the Final Fantasy series, or something. If this is going to be a more realistic type of game (ie - not growing wings and playing with the fairies and getting chased by the demons of satan), then go for a more.... earthy title. "Sphinx" has a nice ring to it (at least to me. Just a synonym for mystery). Or try and use a play on words, perhaps? What's Jacob's last name? Can you use it in some sort of witty pun?

[Trisk]

nihilyst and Peter Thomas-

Yes, Realm of Darkness is a working title only. I briefly thought about actually calling it that, but decided fairly quickly that this was going to be a stone cold serious story, and would need a better title. See my post in the game announcement forum, even when I announced the title, I said specifically that that would NOT be the actual title. What will it be? Sigh...good question. I'm not good with titles. Again, Peter, if you will permit, I would like to PM you about a few more details that I don't want to disclose publicly yet.

Again, as for a novel...for now, issa game only. I really do think the story is good though, and I can guarantee it will take you places you NEVER expected from the introduction. It will make a good game, or novel, or TV miniseries, I think... Anyway, it is really unique in the realm of games...

Peter Thomas-

on the storming off...yes...I see what you mean. Jacob is generally non-combative, but he should be more cheesed off with his brother. My brother and I will bang our heads against it and see what we can come up with. Mike storming off is an interesting idea...I'm trying to think if that would fit with the story, however. Doing something like that might totally turn Jacob away, making him unwilling to help Mike when the going gets tuff. Well, anyway, we'll talk about it. I see what you are saying with this being problematic...makes Jacob kinda spineless and a lifeless character. Need...more...conflict... :b

-on the amulet, again, can I PM or email you about this? I'm not willing to make the function of the amulet public knowledge.

-on the light in the woods, yet again, can I PM or email you about it? Again, I don't want to give too much away on a public forum. This story is my baby, and I don't care if only 3 people ever play it, they aren't gonna get to know what happens before it happens. ;b

Thanks again to both of you!
Trisk

[Peter Thomas]

Go for it, Trisk. If you've got any questions, pm me whenever you feel the need.
(You've got me really curious about a lot of things!)