Just for fun I've taken the challenge of writing a screen play for a Maniac Mansion movie. I've come quite far with the Rough Draft but now I'm stuck with what to do next. I'm trying to come up with something that makes Dave & Co come further but can't do it without make it seem boring or too plain. It would be grateful if you guys could come up with ideas and suggestions (Don't worry, I will not critize the ideas like I did the last time I posted, I welcome critics, ideas and suggestions).
http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/MANIAC_MANSION.doc
Now, since games and movies doesn't work the same (just like books and movies) I've have changed or added some things to make it more exciting or to have some humor in it. I'm also trying to make things in the Maniac Mansion movie work out so it makes sense with stuff that appears or mentions in Day of the Tentacle (like what happened with the hamster, Bernard's friendship with Green Tentacle and so on). I also took some dialog lines from LucasFan's Maniac Mansion Deluxe to have the characters something talk about (Don't worry, he is credited because of that) and also added some of my own (including some in-jokes to DOTT).
I bet that the script does have grammar and spelling errors (Word doesn't have the US English Corection Tool installed and I don't have the CD) so could someone would proofread it for me, please?
Before anyone asks, no I'm going to really make a movie for real, the script-writing is just for fun. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that I'm unaviable to do it for a lot of reasons.
I doesn't seem to be in screen play format. Like the scenes aren't broken into shots, and it uses terms like viewer's point of view (doesn't make sense from a movie standpoint). As for the dialogue, most of it is straight from the game. So, what's the point of transcribing (most) of it and putting your name at the top???
The scripts I have seen aren't broken up into shots. Here's a proof: http://showcase.netins.net/web/ssinc/starwars/TPMScript.shtml . For the POV's I don't know what you should write if you see through a certain POV like a God's POV or through the eyes of the maincharacter and so on. If you know, then please tell me.
QuoteAs for the dialogue, most of it is straight from the game. So, what's the point of transcribing (most) of it and putting your name at the top???
That was quite mean, Big Bro! For starters, how big different is it between a book and a movie based on it apart from that not all characters are there, scenes are trunkated or lifted out? Sure, Lord of the Rings movies couldn't have all dialog from the books because it doesn't go well with the story, it slows down the pacing or bores the audiences but books and games play out different compaired with each other and in many ways it can be easier adapted into a movie even if you got to loose things that don't work out or that doesn't make sense. Besides, there dialog that isn't from neiter MM or MM Deluxe. Don't take this personal or feel insulted, I'm just pointing out some things. On the other hand I slightly agree that some dialog maybe should be changed (but some plot points and trivia lines and famous lines should be kept) so I see both good and bad in the opinions.
For those who have read the script: Do you think that I should have a introduction scene where Dave and his friends are introduced before Dr. Fred kidnaps Sandy and the gang have to get to mansion? I feel sort of cloven between the two decisions. What do you think?
QuoteIn the middle of nowhere, among some green hills was a big Victorian mansion from the colonial times. It's a clear starry night and the only thing that was heard was the song of crickets.
Along the outskirts of a college community, among some green hills
sits a
large Victorian mansion
from colonial times. It's a
clear, starry night and the only thing that
is heard
is the song of crickets.
You're writing in practically all past-tense here, which would be wrong with creating a script.
I am currently reading through the rest, and will reply with more to say later. I'm still enjoying it. When it's done, would you mind if I put it up on my Maniac Zombies site?
You, sir, really should invest in looking at some REAL screenplay formats. The one you linked is not standard at all. This is what a real script looks like. (http://www.godamongdirectors.com/scripts/pulp.shtml)
Also, as it's been said before, you are just taking dialogue from the game and putting it in a different format. Not necessarily creative or interesting. And DON'T try to defend it because that's all you are doing, I don't care how hard you've tried.
Anyway, if you want to effictively write a screenplay... Do as Iqu told me: write a treatment first. Plan out all the scenes and significant events. List the characters, their traits, and what they do. Then, from there, start writing your OWN dialog. Adaptations are NEVER word for word, scene for scene, sentence for sentence. (Sin City being the only exception)
Be creative, be original. Don't blindly respond in defense because I'm not giving you the feedback you want. Actually take into consideration what I and others are saying. I know it sucks to learn that what you've been doing isn't so good. I know it's hard to want to change and fix things. But you must perservere. Never settle for something crappy because YOU don't want to do anything about it.
My intention was not to be mean, but to critique your script. In fact, the forum you posted in is called the “Critic's Lounge†for this express purpose. From the past few threads you posted in this section, it seems like you are resilient of any major criticisms.
When a movie script is made from a game, the writers take huge liberties with the dialogue. Often, the connection is so loose the script could be defined as “inspired†by the game, rather than a strict adherence.
First of all, by trying to create a script for MM, you're setting a very difficult goal. You're trying to condense a long game (definitely over 3 hours of gameplay) into 90 to 120 minutes. In addition, the writing in MM was generally very high quality, so people will expect a lot from a script using the MM name. It would be far easier if you attempted an original project, rather than a fan one.
Your dialogue is a case in point (unless of course, you're appealing to an audience of FOBs). Allow me to pull a few examples from your text:
Mats' Broken English: Yeah, those are really great stuff. I really like music, especially Rock and Rock and Roll. I want to start a band but the problem is that I've hard time finding band-members and have the feeling of that we won't get any play-contract.
Natural English: Yeah, that's good stuff. I'm really into music, especially rock n' roll. I want to start a band, but I'm having trouble finding members. And then it'd be hard to get a record deal.
Mats' Broken English: It's been that way ever since Dr. Fred found a meteor that crashed at the front yard and took it into the lab. I've heard about that he and the meteor have plans on taking over the world by sucking out the brains of people, especially teenagers.
Natural English: It's been that way since Dr. Fred found the meteor that crashed in our front yard. He took it into his lab. I heard that he and the meteor plan to take over the world. Something about sucking out teenager's brains or something.Ã,Â
Mats' Broken English: That is Nurse Edna Edison. She is Dr. Fred's wife. Sure, she is a little bit crazy and she have things for men and teenage guys.
Natural English: That's Nurse Edna, Fred's wife. She's a bit crazy, like she has a thing for teenage guys. (you could use the word penchant instead of “thing†if you wanted to clarify)
It's painfully obvious which lines you wrote and which ones you borrowed.
Read Strunk and White's “Elements of Style.†It's a great reference for improving your grasp of English grammar and strengthening your writing.
EDIT: I also recommend Janet Burroway's "Writing Fiction." Excellent and comprehensive, it's a must-have for any writer.
I still haven't read Strunk and White.... Damn my laziness.
But here it is, Mats. You don't even have to Google for it:
Elements of Style (http://www.bartleby.com/141/)
Ok, thanks for the helpful tips and information.
LGM: Thanks for showing the script, it might give me inspiration for a slightly better script. But I wonder, isn't scripts actually different depending on who writes it. I have noticed that there difference between the scripts of George Lucas' compaired with Peter Jackson's (you can see a couple of pages in the Lord of the Rings Extended Editions' documentaries) and the one you show me. Maybe I should first write the story and the dialog as it if were my own and then try to include bits and pieces of the game, just like Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Philipa Boyens did for the Lord of the Rings.
Big Bro: Actually I attempt on the both versions because the only difference is the added dialogs (and also way the controll and enhanced graphics and so on). I'm aware that my writing in English isn't perfect so that's why I ask of a proof-read. I really like the way you treated the dialog except the word "good" in the first line should be kept as "great" because it fits better with Green's personality. I know you actually critized my work but I reacted to that you said "So, what's the point of transcribing (most) of it and putting your name at the top???". It was that I meant that it was mean to say. I apologize for the misunderstanding. Just one question about the first line of GT's (the corrected one), do really just say Rock N Roll when you talk about Rock and Rock N Roll. There something similiar in the movie The Blues Brothers. I will check out it soon.
Scummbuddy: Sure you can but it on your site when it's done. Yeah, I'm aware that is written like it's "happening now" instead of "it happened" like in books. Guess I was to excited to notice it and I'm the kind of writer that can write much in a short amount of time but often makes many grammar and spelling mistakes on the way, I'm very aware of that. There's just one point you have mistaken and that's the "Along the outskirts of a college community" line. In DOTT Bernard and Friends had to drive several miles to get there (or it seems, it was told in the novel version of DOTT by Clive Revill on LucasArts fiction, that the mansion was in the middle of nowhere).
Driving a couple miles would be on the outskirts of the college community, and don't go by fan fiction as "the word".
and yes, we just call it "Rock and Roll".
Someone on this board, led me to this link, at the BBC webpage. It's for ScriptSmart, a free tool you add to Microsoft Word and it helps you write scripts. http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scriptsmart/
Check it out.
Thanks for the Script Smart.
QuoteDriving a couple miles would be on the outskirts of the college community, and don't go by fan fiction as "the word".
and yes, we just call it "Rock and Roll".
If you say so.
My point was not to show you three statements that could be improved. I randomly chose three statements out of the script. Three out of countless more.
Arguing over words like "good" or "great" or the differences betrween "rock" and "rock n' roll" isn't going to improve your script. That's akin to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Wow, this was even more painful to read than Chris Columbus'Ã, Indiana Jones screenplay. I don't mean to be harsh, because it's a valiant effort that could turn into something really interesting. ButÃ, I think most of the criticism here (of screenplay format, choice of words etc.) is missing the point. Even those saying that an adaptation shouldn't copy the original word for word fail to mention that GOOD GAMEPLAY DOESN'T MEAN GOOD MOVIE SCENES! Please allow me to quote:
Quote
BERNARD
Hey, look! There's a can of paint remover and a paintbrush here.
He picked them up from the floor. Wendy noticed the bowl of waxfruits.
WENDY
Dave, do you think that we should take this bowl of wax fruits?
DAVE
I think we should. Maybe we can get some use for them.
Wendy took it and then they went out the door.
Interior: Piano Room
JEFF
They have some pretty cool stuff in here.
RAZOR
Yeah, especially that old record player.
MICHAEL
Not so much interesting to stuff to pick up.
JEFF
How about watching some TV?
A game isn't a movie. Instead of trying to recreate the gameplay scene for scene, you should rather look at the things that really attracted you to the game. What scenes from the game are really vital for the story, which visuals must be in there? Keep in mind that Maniac Mansion has a pretty horrible story to start with - it's supposed to be like a bad teen flick, so you must add something to it besides the dialog to make it enjoyable. The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Little Shop of Horrors turned trite horror clichés into musical comedies. What can you do to make Maniac Mansion really take off? Perhaps put more of a focus on some basic actions that have to be performed. You can't have the characters stumbling about, not knowing what to do next until they find the correct inventory item. Give them a real mission, and then set up obstacles that must be overcome. Some movies that could possible inspire you are Back to the Future, Fright Night, The Goonies and the Lost Boys.
Good luck!
That's a lot of work you put into that script! Good effort.
But I agree with a lot of things GarageGothic pointed out.
Stuff like carrying around fruit and paintbrushes wouldn't really work in a movie. These things don't fit in people's pockets.
You should probably aim for something very loosely based on the game. Also, since you have quite a few characters, it's probably a good idea to split them into small groups, so that the action can switch from one to another.
Anyway, making a movie script out of a game is very hard.
But you always aim high, don't you?
I think that's a good thing. Good luck.
You're right GarageGothic. I was also thinking of restructering the story so it will be more fitting for a movie. And also I've from the start thinking of what I should include and the script and not. For example it seems pretty silly that Dave or his friends try to open a garage door by their hands but can't because they're not strong enough but when they go to Dead Cousin Ted's room, have a little workout. then try to open the garage door and Voila, it's open. It can't work in a feature film, possibly in a cartoon version but still it's slightly illogic. The same thing can be said about Ã, go through the house, unlocking some doors in order to get to the backside, garage and pool when you could go around the mansion(in the game you can't but it seems stupid in a movie). I'm thinking of getting rid of the gang feeding Green Tentacle because it's not importaint to the story.
I'm also going to add a introduction scene so that you will get to know the hero characters better before throwing into the action.
QuoteStuff like carrying around fruit and paintbrushes wouldn't really work in a movie. These things don't fit in people's pockets.
aussie: Well, I'm going to scrape the idea of the paintbrushes and the bowl of wax fruit but I've planned from the beginning to let them carry rucksacks so they can carry around things that don't fit in pockets. I'm also letting them have flashlights from start instead of letting them take the one in the kitchen.
Big Bro: I just wondered about the rock n roll because I didn't knew that. About arguing between the words "good" and "great", when you work with personalities and natures of characters, what they say is sort of showing who these guys are. Like Bernard would never say "dude" because he's not a cool surfer but a geek, and Green T, who is sort of a rocker should say great instead of good. Remember that he says tings like "Yeah, good luck saving the world B-man!" and "Whoa man, get a life.". Imagine what would happen if Peter Jackson would have the actors speak American english in Lord of the Rings. No one would take it seriously (and the Tolkien fans would be pissed off more than the others).
Well, some of the actors in Lord of the rings speak with an American accent. Notice how the uruk hais say "halflings" and viggo mortensen speaks american english. I don't think the guy who plays Elrond doesn't sound very brittish either?
well since this is very Off-Topic I won't say anything more about this
The one thing I've learned in my years of gaming/moviegoing is this: game movies suck, and rarely if ever follow even remotely the original game.
::begins to shudder::
St..st..street f-f-f-ighter ::dies instantly of brain hemmhoraging::
Don't get rid of Green! You could have him be like a slavering monster for when they meet him the first time, but after he is fed, he'd become all nice, and then help with the music later on (more logical as he is more friendly). Meeting a tentacle isn't really the most normal thing to happen to someone.
BTW, it is rather odd to have to "find" a meteor that you know crashed in your front yard.
Quote from: big brother on Thu 08/09/2005 03:18:51
Natural English: It's been that way since Dr. Fred found the meteor that crashed in our front yard. He took it into his lab. I heard that he and the meteor plan to take over the world. Something about sucking out teenager's brains or something.
Taking it further from big bro's change, it could be "Since that meteor crashed into our front yard. Dr. Fred took it into his lab..."
For the record, I haven't read the script yet
I don't think that you understand the extreme similarities between the word good and great. They are virtually interchangable, while, of course, the word 'great' means slightly more importance. But it is NOT the same as Bernard saying "Dude" instead of "Sir". Yes, we understand that for Bernard, it would be highly unlikely that he would ever say "Dude" unless the situtation called for it, but seriously, there is no difference in a persons character if they say 'something is great' all the time, or 'something is good' all the time.
And, I must needs add, having looked into doing a screenplay myself... The Man doesn't want you to make the movie for them.. none of this "title card glides from left to right" or "Dave is wearing blah blah" or "he opens the microwave and there lies the hamster, looking like someone dropped a fatty deuce and nuked it for an hour..." All they want from you is story. This is why they hire graphical artists and costume designers and special effects guys... And if this is going to be a totally indie film anyway, you still don't need to do all that, because it just bogs down the script and makes it unreadable. When Drew Carey, of course playing the part of Bernard after having worked fourteen solid years on a weight loss program specifically tailored for his role in this film, tries performing his lines and says "Bernard walks across the... DAMMIT!" you know you have problems.
Ã, Ã, But, with the criticism aside... I could help you write believable dialog, if you felt so inclined. My number one advice is, NEVER write the way it should be written. I mean, seriously, who says "Hello. My name is Callan Souza. I live in Tombstone, Arizona. My hobbies are writing, computers, and the supernatural." Hell, no, joker. "Hey, I'm Cal from Tombstone. I write stuff, and I fixÃ, stuff, and if ghosts had asses, I might very well kick them." That's more like it...
Ã, Ã, Here's one of my favorite examples of my dialog from one of my ESPER short stories:
Ã, Ã,Â
Ã, Ã, Ian looked at the house. The damn thing looked back at him.
Ã, Ã, "That was a wild ride," he said, not turning back to Rich as he spoke.
Ã, Ã, "Yes. yes it was."
Ã, Ã, "Abbreviate for once in your life, dude," Steve said. "what's wrong with 'yeah?'"
Ã, Ã, "Shut up, morons." After a second of silence, Ian added, "What do you guys want to do?"
Ã, Ã, "We've gotta go back in," Rich answered, and Steve gaped.
Ã, Ã, "Dude, I'm totally not into that."
Ã, Ã, "Into what?"
Ã, Ã, "That masochistic stuff, dude. You want to get nibbled on, that's your own sick thing, but I'm out."
Ã, Ã, "I said shut up." Ian was looking still at the house, but if there were eyes in the back of his head, they would have been boring into Steve and Rich right then.
Ã, Ã, After a moment, Rich broke the imposed silence.
Ã, Ã, "What do you want to do, boss?"
There was another brief silence, and something akin to a smile flickered across Ian's previously stern features.
Ã, Ã, "I say let's do the Time Warp again..."
Ã, Ã, He could imagine the slight snicker on the face of both companions. Turning back to them at long last and finding his intuition to be correct, his first glance was not a kind one.
Ã, Ã, "If either of you make a statement in any way hinting at my being a transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania, you will suffer most horribly."
Ã, Ã, "Steve was thinking it," Rich blurted. Another angry stare came from Ian, and without another word the trio headed back to Montega Manor...
Ã, Ã, Hope you enjoyed :DÃ, Let me know if that's your thing, and I'll help polish the dialog.
Babar: I wasn't going to get rid of Green Tentacle I just thought that maybe the feeding part wasn't such a good idea. Green T is my number one favorite character both in MM and in DOTT. Taking out Green T is like getting rid of Gollum in Lord of the Rings, it wouldn't work. They're both too vital to be cut out.
Scummbuddy: Ok, fine.
Esper: I have only seen the Mario Bros. movie and in opinion it was so-so. I know it's hard to adapt Video games into movies but I think the common problem is that you turn the video game into too much movie and that they don't focus so much on the story like in the games, which is the reason why most game movies fails. Who is actually "The Man"? Lucas Arts? Ron Gilbert? Any movie producer and/or director? Please, be more clear with that kind of stuff. In anyway, I disagree about "leaving the importaint details out" thing, because if you make it too different from the games, people won't go for it (Like I disliked the idea of a Luigi without a moustasch and way too young in the Mario Movie). About the dialog thing, well, if you can write stuff that match to DOTT's dialog than maybe.
I'll try to at least get a bit further on the rewrite.
I disagree with esper that Hollywood doesn't want descriptive passages in screenplays. As long as it's short and to the point, descriptions of how locations and characters look, how they perform the action, all these things are just as important as the dialog. What you should never do though, is do the blocking in the script, that is breaking the action into single shots and camera angles. The same thing goes for titles, unless you have something very special in mind (the scrolling text in Star Wars should probably be mentioned in the screenplay).
And if Drew Carey can't tell the difference between action and dialog, either you've used the wrong format for the screenplay, or he's just a moron :)
I've referred to Ted & Terry's website many times before, but I still think their columns are some of the best advice you'll ever get on screenwriting, even when you disagree with their ideas:
http://wordplayer.com/columns/welcome.html
Yeah, GarageGothic, that's why I also disagree with esper. I've checked all the scripts of Star Wars so far on the site and they all mentions that the crawl text at the start. So "The Man" that esper mentioned was Hollywood. Never thought of that.
Do mean Ted & Terry as in Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, the guys who wrote screenplays for Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean? I'll check out the site soon.
Yes, Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio. They're craftsmen rather than artists, but no matter what you think of their work (they made crap like Small Soldiers and Godzilla as well as the two great films Mats mentioned) , they certainly put more thought into the process of screenwriting than most others.