Adventure Game Studio

Hiya folks!

Some kind of poetry shock struck me a week ago and I've been writing like hell since then. As I am no native speaker, and my english is far from what poetry needs, I need some feedback. My friends here say it's cool and whatever, but they know even less english than me, so that's not a feedback I'm looking for. I'd be grateful if some of you guys would give me some pointers of what I'm doing wrong so I can use that advice in further poems.
Here we go:

QUESTION OF SANITY

We ask if we're still here,
we're lost in our vanity.
We wonder if we see things clear,
we have lost our sanity.

We try not to mess things up,
We dump our own prosperity.
We feel every crest and bump,
We've lost our own lucidity.

We feel the deadly spasms,
We doom our own posterity.
We're falling down the endless chasms,
We question our clarity.


CORRIDORS OF PAIN

I walked through corridors of pain,
I watched my life to slowly drain.
My personal doom is my own brain,
I ceased to think that I am sane.

I walked in dark and felt the rain,
and waited 'till I return again.
I was alive, but that was all.
I found myself in deadly stall.

I fear that I will stray,
I fear that I'll lose the day.
Because nothing's worse than this,
critical and fatal miss.

I walked through corridors of pain,
closely watching my own way.
I wandered in the highest grass,
I saw hundreds of dark nights to pass.

And here I am, in dark, alone,
looking towards highest throne.
By no one I am known,
towards unknown fate I'm thrown.

So I rise up every night,
like a curse up in the height.
I hope that this is right
and I'll hold on 'till I lose sight.

I silently watch them all,
I stay before the highest wall.
I can't walk and I can't crawl.
I am waiting, 'till nightfall.

I walked through corridors of pain,
I ceased to exist, ceased to gain.
People started to fade away,
I began to drown in gray.

I watched the nightly leaves to sway,
I fell to my knees and began to pray.
May I remain, may I stay,
May I find my way.


VOMITING

When your tummy feels like shit,
you have to accept, live with it.
I just can tell you one good thing:

Helpful's only vomiting!

Vomiting is pleasure,
vomiting is leisure.
Uncover your stomach treasure!

To vomit is to share some food,
to vomit is to do some good.
To vomit is to boost your mood,
Vomit often - that you should.

Vomiting is perfect, that is understood!


Any feedback appreciated, thanks!  ;)

Hi there :)

I'm sitting here, scratching my head and wondering what to say.

It's hard to critic these poems without placing them in context, and having some vague idea of what you're trying to achieve.

Why are you writing? What are you trying to express? What's the purpose of the poem?

If you can clear up those questions for me, I'd love to give you some more feedback.

--

Ultimately, I think it's simple and entertaining poetry. If that was your aim then you've hit the nail on the head.

I like the casual nature of the poems. They were fun to read.

One thing I have picked up on though, is the rhyme. Is there too much? It's quite hard to process the narrative of each verse, as you're hit with a lot of rhyming words. These tend to stick more than the line as a whole. Take your first poem.

Here/Clear
Vanity/Sanity

These are the words you remember after reading the first stanza of "Question of Sanity". These words by themselves mean very little. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I hope to see some more from you.

Quote from: Oliwerko
Vomiting is pleasure,
vomiting is leisure.
Uncover your stomach treasure!

This line seriously cracked me up ;D

Sean:
Thanks for info.
As for the questions you asked, I am not sure. I don't have a clear goal when writing it. For me even the rhymes and the language is a challenge. The biggest challenge for me is to tell something that makes sense while it's still in rhymes. And what I'm trying to express? Well, I don't know more than you know from reading the poems. As for purpose, there is no deep purpose, I guess. It's my entertainment when writing and when reading. I just write what comes to my mind. Looking back, maybe the overall topic is just society and its principles? I don't know, maybe that is the purpose. To tell what I think about the society. Anyway, don't look for any deep thoughts hidden in those poems. They may look like they contain something deep, and maybe they do, but I don't know of anything.

I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a clear explanation, but believe me, I'd really like to know it as well  :)

And wow, I wouldn't think that the rhymes could be a problem. So less rhymes would make the poem easier to understand?

Ben:
OVERDOSE

I like it when my breakfast flows,
I like it when I blow my nose.
When I combine the two of those...
Cover your eyes! OVERDOSE!  ;)

Coleridgesque, I like them.

Hi Oliwerko,

You don't have to be sure of those questions to write poetry, I was just wondering if there was a deeper meaning hiding behind the words. Some poems are written primarily to provoke an emotional or intellectual response. Others like yours are meant to entertain first and foremost!

As I said, I think they're very nice poems. Fun to read, and very accessible. As you said, they're written as a form of 'Entertainment' and they work on that level.

Rhyme is just a matter of personal preference.

What I find is that if you're whole poem (every other line) rhymes, then the rhymes begin to lose value. They sound good, they look nice.. and they make you smile. Beyond that, they don't mean much and it's all too easy to read the words, without reading into what they mean.

However, I think the quantity of rhyme is a smaller issue if these aren't meant to be 'serious' poems with some sort of hidden meaning.

Sorry if my first post came across as harsh, as an English student at college I spend a lot of time reading/writing about poetry. Sometimes it's a little easy to get carried away.

It's nice to take a break from 'serious' poems every once in a while, and I want to see some more fun poems from you soon :)

Anyway, who am I to talk to you about YOUR poems? ;)


-- Ignore any craptastic English, it's creeping up to 1am and I'm super tired! --

Thanks for replies,

Sean - well, these poems were not originally meant to provoke some kind of reaction or thought. Maybe they do, but anyway, that was not my intention.

I think I see what you mean by the rhyme quantity. I was reading them over and sometimes I got lost in the rhymes, too.

Quote from: Sean on Wed 03/12/2008 00:37:26
Anyway, who am I to talk to you about YOUR poems? ;)

Everyone has something to say about them, I guess, and that's good. Even if their purpose is only my entertainment, I love any feedback I can get.

I have found two older (and crappier ones) today, here they go:

YOURSELF

I'm tired of modern hypocrisy,
society rots, so to speak.
Is friendship way too much to ask?
Honesty is what I seek.

No one cares and no one thinks,
important are drugs and drinks.
Sex has also kind of changed,
people are just...rearranged.

Mouth is open, though brain has stopped,
intelligence, sense has dropped.
They teach you how to trick and lie,
you live like that - until you die.

Oh people, don't you see your sins?
Don't you see that evil wins?
Why you let it consume all?
You'll all become its worthless thrall.

When you try to correct things
by any truthful, honest means,
they just call you a bag of beans.
Nothing seems to fulfill dreams.

And when there's fear so deep in thee,
don't you worry, don't you flee.
You're the only, no one's same,
advantage that is, not a shame.

No matter what they think of you,
don't care if they have a clue.
The only thing to care for thee
is your friends and yourself, see?

Don't you let them let you down,
Don't you worry if they frown,
Just be yourself in every town!

If only you're a bit like me,
come along and think, be free.
It does not matter, what they think,
let them have it, let 'em shrink!

It may be hard, so I admit,
but if thou don't want your world to split,
just be yourself and go for it!
Don't you care for others every single day,
Just be yourself.

In every way.


BEYOND BELIEF

I see things beyond belief.
Am I villain, am I thief?
Nothing that you couldn't see,
you just don't want, you're not free.

Step outside and see the sealed,
Extraordinary is revealed.
Welcome to the unknown field.

Don't be afraid, toss your fear.
Nothing can surprise you here.
Let the unknown things appear,
explore with me, laugh and cheer.

Not everyone got that chance
to have this second glance.
Carefully though with your stance.
Consider and think in advance.

It's not only advantage,
not just simple privilege.
With it you're responsible,
imagine what's possible.

There is no new danger,
you are not a stranger.
You just see things other way,
you just consider what to say.

You're not as the others are,
you don't think you are the star.
Things are getting harder,
world's bizzare.

You'll have to hold on friend,
more time in thoughts you will spend.
Your life will for the better tend.
You'll be happy 'till the end.

More often you will sweat.
But believe me, you won't regret.

--- looking back, these make an impression of that so-called emo- kind depressive "me against world" attitude poems  ;D

Read both and enjoyed them. Nothing brand new under the sun, but musicality is way cool!

Titles are a bit CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIN but the rest sounds nice.

Thanks for replies guys!
I am pretty surprised that people actually like these!

Maybe I should start a poem blog?  8)

Quote from: Oliwerko on Sat 06/12/2008 20:19:01
Thanks for replies guys!
I am pretty surprised that people actually like these!

Maybe I should start a poem blog?  8)

Creepiness, rhymes and whatnot? I'd gladly add that to my bookmarks!