A little story about zombies... DOES ANYONE CARE? NO!...

[Nine Toes]

This is a little story I wrote, it's nothing special.  But I think it's a good story.

Anyone have any suggestions?  Grammar, things I could add/change to make the story better?  I kinda slopped the ending together because I was eager to post it online and show it off to see what people thought about it.

http://pub51.ezboard.com/fedenstudiosdiscussionboardsfrm3.showMessage?topicID=1055.topic

By the way, what ever happened to that one post that you reply to, and you list all of the things you're good at (when it comes to making games).  If say, you needed someone to do music, you just look for a person that does music, and ask them to do your music for you.... does anyone know what I'm talking about?

[Peter Thomas]

I like the idea   I really do.

It's a completely different style to mine, but that of course doesn't make you wrong.

I normally don't care about grammar and things when I read (unless it's obviously bad), but I'm the type of person who just can't resist an opportunity. So I shall fatigue my fingers with a most probably useless analysis.

First off, I'd change the year to something a little farther off than 2007. Because that's too close to be realistic. On the other hand, it's not so impossible as to make it 2130. I'd say somewhere around 2026 would be good. (Why 2026? Well....because....) 2ndly, I don't about your phrase 'Succeeded in creating the first nanomachines.' This kind of implies that it was some major/unexpected breakthrough, when in all probability, there would have been a hundred different prototypes. But that's just me being nitpicky. Ignore me if I'm boring you...

3rdly, you mention something about these robots 'regenterating' human limbs. As modern sciene stands today, scientists don't expect this to be possible for nearly 100 generations. They say human teleportation is more probable to occurr in the meantime. So I'd either scrap it, or change the year even more drastically. But I don't like stories that are set too far in the future. People who do it only use it because their plot has too many holes that can be explained away after 400 years. So I'd go with the former.

A spelling thing: Is cosmetology spelled cosmetology? I would check, but I'd actually have to stand up to reach the dictionary, so I would worry about the effort. Just check it.

Your biology seems to be FAIRLY intact (as far as your knowledge of ribosomes goes...) but look into that more. I've forgotten everything I ever did in bio, but I believe the mitochondria are more important than the ribosomes. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please.

You refer to the 'first' mistake as 'not really a mistake'. Erm.... I'm failing to see how that could be a mistake... I mean, the 'new' nanomachines were created with full intentions, and they did what they were s'posed to, so what's the problem??

My biggest problem is the fact the U.S government just 'forgot' to recall the bots after they were found to have immortal qualities. Something like that just doesn't accidentally slip through the system. If it made its way onto the black market, then you'd have another story. Or if one of the scientists leaked them for his own twisted purposes (what a cliche, huh?). But not 'memory lapse'. Just no.

okay - I'm going to stop there, because from re-reading what I've written so far, I sound like a bitter and twisted old man who enjoys criticising other people to restore his own deflated ego. Which I don't mean to. So sorry if I sound mean and nasty.

So erm...... yes............ 'bye........

[Nine Toes]

Naw, it's ok... it's good criticism.  It's got some good, helpful tips in it.

Thanks.