Government Essay

MarVelo · Sun 09/04/2006 03:32:36

I am writing this essay about "The improtance of Representative Government to All Americans". It is for my Advanced Placement Goverment class application. I really need the college credits from this class so if you could harshly critiqe this I would greatly appreciate it.

http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/GovernmentAPP.doc

UPDATED: http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/GovernmentAPP2.doc

Dr. Scary · Sun 09/04/2006 04:03:06

Right now the entire text is mostly examples of what happens if you DON'T have a representative government. You should go more into the history of the form of government and also explore some of the drawbacks compared to the ideal of personal liberty. One of the drawbacks as I see it is that you create a ruling class of politicians, lobbyists and wealthy businessmen with this increased distance between the people and the legislation.

MarVelo · Sun 09/04/2006 04:14:33

I see what your saying Dr. Scary, this is suppose to be about the constitutional priciple so I dont want to go into overly detailed senarios about capitalism and etc. which isnt what it is suppose to be about.

Here is what it actually says on the application sheet.

"REQUIRED ESSAY: PICK ONE OF THESE CONSTITUTIONAL PRINCIPLES AND EXPLAIN WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO ALL AMERICANS.

A)REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT
B)IDIVIDUAL RIGHTS
C)CIVILIAN CONTROL OF THE MILITARY"

Thanks for the ideas, I will try to fix it up to say more about the rights of the people, and what happens when ther IS an representative government. I will give at least one example.

fred · Sun 09/04/2006 04:19:19

It makes good sense to me, but seems maybe a bit short for what I expect of an essay. Examples are good, especially if they highlight *different* aspects of the problem in consideration.

Maybe you could include something about representative (presidental) candidates being pre-requisite for any representative government - I heard a lot of Americans simply aren't voting because they feel represented by neither democrats nor republicans...

You could explore if amount of $ spent on campaigning has any relation to victory, and how the poor will ever be represented if the campaigning funds necessary to become president are very high?

You could also discuss the way the votes are counted - here in Denmark for instance (and in some other countries), all votes are added for the final count, whereas in the US, I think mandates are determined by finding a winner within each state. Sorry, I don't remember the correct terms for this difference. But does it make a difference to the representativeness' of an election? Does it make some people feel that their votes wont make a difference, because they live in a state that is traditionally overwhelmingly dominated by the party they oppose? And if very few people are voting, can the government be representative? Maybe find the percentages of voters from the last couple of presidential elections to back up the discussion.

Well, those are just some suggestions... Ã,Â

Dr. Scary · Sun 09/04/2006 04:33:03

I see. So the problem is more with the black and white formulation of the assignment than anything else. I can only wish you the best of luck in formulating an answer to those questions that wouldn't be either a blatant lie, a gross oversimplification or politically incorrect.

Oh, and what fred said...

Snarky · Sun 09/04/2006 04:53:47

This is a high school essay, right?

Alright, let's see.

It's short, only one page. That's good (though I'm sure it was part of the assignment). You state your thesis in the first sentence, and then proceed to argue it throughout the essay. Also good.

In assignments like this, it's important to read the instructions carefully. The subject is "The importance of Representative Government to all Americans". Why "all"? Is this different from Representative Government for all Americans?

I find the thesis a bit banal. No one is likely to disagree that representative government "is important", and if they did I don't think your essay would do much to convince them. Ideally, a thesis should express a point of view that isn't immediately obvious. Of course, that is a bit risky, especially in high school, because the teacher grading you might disagree with what you're saying.

If you want a topic that might be more interesting to debate, consider the fact that (at least) three large groups of people in the US today don't have the right to vote, and hence no representation: minors, felons, and non-citizens. Would it make sense to change the voting age, or maybe allow parents to vote on behalf of their kids? Is the fact that felons can't vote one of the reasons for the appalling state of US prisons? Is depriving them of this right even constitutional? (Voting rights for felons was raised in a recent episode of The West Wing.) And what about the millions of illegal immigrants (very much in the news right now), as well as all the legal immigrants and visiting foreigners (like myself) who live in the US? Is it fair that we have no representation? What are the consequences of this?

Or what about representative government in places like the Palestinian territories? The US cut off aid after the Palestinians elected a government this country doesn't like. Is it the case that representative government "is important, but not in Palestine"? You could easily write a controversial essay on a question like that.

If you want to play it safe and go with your current topic, I think you should at least present a credible challenge to the idea of representative government. Who doesn't believe in this idea, and why? What are the drawbacks or dangers of representative government? Be specific, and don't introduce straw men or unidentified opponents.

OK, moving on... I wish you would define the term "representation" somewhere. I'm used to it meaning specifically representation in parliament Ã,Â (i.e. the right to vote for representatives elected to the legislative body), but you seem to use it in a more general sense, synonymous with "having a say". How does the notion of "representation" relate to direct democracy, as seen in Ancient Athens, modern Switzerland, or ballot initiatives?

Your first sentence is ambiguous (just like the assignment). Does "representative government is important to Americans" mean that Americans place high importance on representative government, or that the effects of representative government on Americans are major? You drag in "all modern countries today", but never mention them again in your essay. Is representative government unimportant to non-modern countries, today or in the past?

In your second sentence, you claim that "the needs and will of these people cannot be expressed without representation". However, you go on to quote the example of the American colonial period, where the will of the people was expressed in demonstrations, petitions, and eventually rebellion. Doesn't that disprove your claim?

The third sentence is awkward, because it is in reference to only a part of the last sentence: "without representation". You should make it clearer that it's this situation you are talking about.

This would be a good time for a new paragraph, but I guess you couldn't spare the space.

The period before the American Revolution is a boring! example. It's way too familiar and over-used... for anything but a high school essay. For all I know it's exactly the kind of thing the teacher is looking for. As an alternative example, however, what about representation for slaves before the Civil War? The interesting point there, of course, is that they were counted as 3/5 of a voting person in the census, but couldn't actually vote. As a result, their voting power was wielded by the slave-owning voters in the Southern states, and used to make sure slavery was maintained!

Instead of "over taxation on goods such as tea and other necessities occurred", it would be better to write that "tea and other necessities were over-taxed". Besides, I don't think tea is really a necessity. (And "over-taxation", not "over taxation".)

"The taxing process"? I think you mean "the taxation process".

"Would at least have been fair", not "would have at least been fair".

Your hypotheticals are a bit far-fetched. By choosing a boring (and very old) historical example and unlikely hypothetical examples, your argument appears weaker than it really is. Also, they are too similar: In one you assume that Kansas has no representation, and in the other you assume that Florida has no representation.

You don't properly explain why representative government is especially important for military operations.

"In all". I like that. It's better than "in conclusion".

The founding fathers are brought up in the final sentence. That strikes me as a pretty cheap appeal to their authority, and to the sentimental patriotism of the reader. In particular, it clashes with the "modern countries today" of your introduction. The introduction and the conclusion should bookend your essay, and talk about more or less the same thing, although maybe with a different perspective (like "The Word" on The Colbert Report). In the essay as it stands now, there's a disconnect between 1776 and 2006. You need to bridge that gap.

MarVelo · Sun 09/04/2006 05:01:29

I know what your saying again Dr. Scary. In my school career I have learned that instead of trying to express the truth its better to do what they tell you. I would really like to say what I think but thats not gunna get me into the class. Ã,Â

Fred: Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will add something about the voting and elections. Thanks again for the ideas! Ã,Â

Snarky: All VERY good points. I may just remove the part about other countries rather than change most of the essay. Also good point about the 3/5 compromise. If someone is counted in the census they should have a say. Thank you for the gramatical suggestions as well. It's Midnight right now so I will work on this some more tomarrow.

MashPotato · Sun 09/04/2006 05:05:49

Ã,Â Your writing is clear and easy to read, and that's always welcome. While I was writing this Snarky wrote a nice detailed post, but I'll post this anyway in case it helps you any ^_^

Here is some criticism (it may seem a bit harsh, but your essay will improve):
-this doesn't really seem like an essay, it's more of a short answer question on a test. Ã,Â To make it more essay-like, there should be at least a brief overview of the points you will be making (even if it's only one sentence). Ã,Â I realize that this is a very short essay, but organization is always important. Ã,Â
-I assume your thesis statement is "Representative government is important to Americans and all modern countries today", but you do not address the second point at all. Ã,Â Remember, the thesis should relate directly to your essay.
-in formal essays, don't start sentences with "because" (old grammar rule)
-I wouldn't use "If say..."; too colloquial for a formal essay
-three of your examples are hypothetical cases... try to find some concrete examples
-you might want to explain what representational government actually is. How is each American given representation in government? (ie voting)

I hope these points help you. Ã,Â Good luck with your application ^_^.

Snarky · Sun 09/04/2006 05:42:15

Maybe one way to draw together the points raised in all these responses would be to acknowledge that everybody pays lip service to representative government, but argue that people don't treat it as important. For instance, there is little outrage over the enormous influence lobbyists and special interest groups have over Congress and administration, or the gerrymandering (sorry, "redistricting") that guarantees reelection for 90% of all politicians. This would give you a basis to assert the importance of representative government, because you have shown that it's not something that we can just take for granted. It actually needs people to defend it.

Bartimaeus · Sun 09/04/2006 09:05:27

Quote from: taffytom on Sun 09/04/2006 05:01:29
In my school career I have learned that instead of trying to express the truth its better to do what they tell you.

Aargh that is so annoying and so true.

MarVelo · Sun 09/04/2006 17:12:08

Quote from: Bartimaeus on Sun 09/04/2006 09:05:27
Aargh that is so annoying and so true.

I know How you feel man.

UPDATED version in the first post. ^

Snarky · Sun 09/04/2006 19:46:10

I'm sorry to say that I think this new version is significantly worse than the first draft.

You are making a bunch of assertions that you never back up. Yeah, I know we suggested them, but you actually have to argue them. All of that stuff about writing to your Congressman and how non-voters have no right to complain isn't supported by the facts and reasoning you present. (Also, I think some of the things you say are ill-considered and wrong-headed. Essentially calling some 45% of the population un-American for not voting is a bit over the top.)

You are stringing together statements without any flow or thread of argument. Look at: "Having a voice in the actions of the government is how individual rights are protected. Without a way to speak there is no freedom of speech. Representation in government can be defined several ways." This appears at first glance to be three unconnected sentences, unless the reader notices the dubious link between "having a voice in the actions of the government" and "freedom of speech". (The right to speak and the right to have a say are not the same thing.) In the same way, you're not drawing out the connections between each of your examples.

Your description of the three-fifths rule is flat-out wrong. Your dates are wrong, your description of what it meant is wrong, your claim that it led to the Civil War is questionable, and there are several spelling and grammar errors in the paragraph. Also, you never relate it to the main thrust of your argument, and when you later talk about "another example ... where a group of people rather than a state cannot properly voice their opinions", you don't even seem to realize that this is exactly what you described here.

When I write essays (well, papers these days), I like to outline what I'm going to say in a bullet-point format. That way I can be sure that the structure works, leading the reader through my argument from thesis to background explanation to evidence to conclusion. For every paragraph, every sentence, you should be able to explain how it helps address your thesis, and why it can't be cut.

In general: Check your spelling, and increase the number of commas, hyphens and paragraph breaks.

ZayanM · Mon 10/04/2006 01:14:23

Hey. If this is for AP US Government then I could offer you some help because I am doing that to

You know you only get college credit based on how well you did on the AP Exam (on May 9th, I think) and not based on how you do the class.
From what I have read it does not seem like you will get Essay questions as vague as this. Also, even though they are essay questions the responses for them are not expected to be long. They are also graded on rubric on whether you got certain key points in your essay. So, putting out your opinion would not be helpful, neither would straying off the subject. There is a whole paragraph on how slaves were counted as 3/5 from the three fifths compromise but it does not say how that makes representative government important. Also pay attention to what the question asks like "explain" or "identify". Again, I think the questions would not be so vague on the AP test so you it would be easier. You have to worry about answering the question more than how the essay sounds.
The question also says "representative" government(Congressmen), but many of your sentences would prove for "popular" government(people vote on laws/referendum). In class, there was a lot of time put in explaining the difference between representative and popular. If you are not doing AP US government you may ignore the last sentences.

$:-\$