Please help me improve my cutscene (Warning, gross/revolting etc)

[police brutality]

It's a flashback sequence where a character re tells his memory of a beheading of a man somewhere in Russia during ww2. I want to make an emphasis on the state of mind of this persona, a degenerate, deranged shadow of a human being, after spending months advancing trough the steppe with little food in terrible conditions, with no end to the conflict in sight; So please also help me improve my writing.

(There's a fade out & in between each paragraph and pic)




There was a feeling we had been marching forever. Everywhere we went we would hear the Russians had retreated leaving a wasteland behind them. We had been reduced to a handful of men in a matter of weeks, mostly because of diseases and exhaustion.



Nobody really knew where we were. Our captain didn't want to admit it but we knew he had no idea. Our supplies wouldn't last for long and the rest of the regiment had been left behind with no way to contact them. Maybe the commander had already taken the whole platoon as dead.

Everyday was an agony. Fights would start for the smallest reason. The cold made things worse. Some squad mates dissapeared overnight into a nearby tree line. We were furious and most of the platoon snapped when a squadmate said there was witchcraft involved; we had heard local fables about the swamp being cursed.

The locals told us about a hermit living near the swamp. The men believed he was the heart of a cult responsible for our missing squadmates. We found him hiding there and captured him.



The captain decided to take care of him personally



We watched, consumed by fear



That same night a storm began. It dispersed us into the swamp. There's this blister in my feet. I think I've been bit by something. I can't find my squad. I can't find my squad

(fade back to game)

Also, what kind of music should I use?

Any better way to build up the suspense towards the climax (Beheading + loose head)?

[radiowaves]

Respect the dead! Draw your own graphics.

[InCreator]

I like it, as much anyone could like such a disturbing story.

Photo rights are indeed something to keep an eye on.

Serious war story at first remembers me many books about start of WWII in Ukraine, where Soviet forces were cut off during retreat. It's deep and good material. Hermits, cults, beheading? That's quite another story.

Why mix deep wartime atmosphere with B-movie-sque  horror cliche?

A man, a gun and palmful of lead in metal casings surrounded with enemies and no place to run is an atmosphere.

You don't need to give answers, like "hermit", "cult", "responsible".
You have to press on the unknown.

For example, an enemy general with his group in forests with no live witnesses to tell about him, chasing restlessy the protagonist's group would be one of such idea. Maybe finishing off those wounded and sick, who protagonist's group leaves behind, kidnapping others at night... Stories like this add frustration and aura of fear around everything.
And psychological warfare, like bandits and partisans fought during this era, and so on.

This'll add much better atmosphere than simple answers made of gross horror.

[ThreeOhFour]

I agree with InCreator. War itself is something that allows you to build suspense. Focus less on beheading crazy cultist hermits. Why behead some old hermit based on superstition, anyway?

How much more atmosphere do you need to work with than a group of men with poor resources in horrific conditions who aren't sure whether they will ever see the next sunrise, let alone their families? There is loads of potential there - you've got men frightened that they are going to die. You don't need to add to it with crazy hermits.

Some constructive criticism?

Well, if you ARE keen to pursue the hermit thing, give the hermit a say. I'm sure the captain would not behead him without first questioning him. And I think "I think I've been bit by something" should be "I think I've been bitten by something".

[FSi++]

[Re-]watch Cannibal Holocaust and try to see how the suspence and atmosphere etc. are built THERE.
Might help.

[police brutality]

Thanks a lot for the input.

Hermits, cults, beheading? That's quite another story.

Why mix deep wartime atmosphere with B-movie-sque  horror cliche?

The whole premise of the game, being a "snuff game" is to have a plot like that. I don't think it's B quality, I was thinking it was more Blair Witch esque. The plot has to stay but I will try to make it more serious.

Why behead some old hermit based on superstition, anyway?

I think it makes sense. If you put a group of desperate people together, some of their friend dissapear and you tell them it has to do with witchcraft, they'll do something desperate.

There is loads of potential there - you've got men frightened that they are going to die. You don't need to add to it with crazy hermits.

You are right, Im wasting a lot of good material. That will be added later with dialogs.

Well, if you ARE keen to pursue the hermit thing, give the hermit a say. I'm sure the captain would not behead him without first questioning him. And I think "I think I've been bit by something" should be "I think I've been bitten by something"

True. I'll add that.

[Re-]watch Cannibal Holocaust

I'll look for it.... sounds like my kind of movie.



I'll add some changes later. Did anyone laugh when they first read it?

[Cino]

For some reason I'm reminded of Deathwatch ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286306/ ) which also merges war and horror, though instead of hermits they find something more evil.
Anyway as long as you don't go over the line with the subject, you got potential there.

[Andail]

Hermits, cults, beheading? That's quite another story.

Why mix deep wartime atmosphere with B-movie-sque  horror cliche?

The whole premise of the game, being a "snuff game" is to have a plot like that. I don't think it's B quality, I was thinking it was more Blair Witch esque. The plot has to stay but I will try to make it more serious.

I don't remember anything snuff-esque with the Blair Witch. I don't remember any gore or cheap explicit violence whatsoever, just a subtle, unnerving sense of discomfort and suspense.
Your cut-scene, and whole theme, seem completely opposite to what Blair Witch was about.

[police brutality]

I do think it's a bit like Blair witch. Remember what happened to Rustin Parr and Elly Kedward in that story.

[Andail]

From your post in the chat-forum:

My ideal game is the first AGS snuff game.

Silent Hill (Facing own demons) + resident evil (Zombies, infection) + 3D backgrounds + American McGee's Alice soundtrack + 100's of color photos depicting beheading, rape, cannibalism, murdered children, shrunken heads, trench foot, torture, hanging, dead and desecrated nuns, mountains of naked corpses + every conspiracy theory you ever heard of + machine guns + Klansmen, all this added up making sure the plot doesn't make any sense at all, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder until you climax.

I'm working on it.

As far I as I remember, Blair Witch was mostly about some kids wandering around an empty forrest.

There is a huge different in actually depicting the frightening/appalling elements and keeping them hidden and only alluded to. Both can create horror, but you need to make a decision.

[police brutality]

As far I as I remember, Blair Witch was mostly about some kids wandering around an empty forrest.

But there was also the story of the woman accused of witchcraft, killed and returning to haunt the forest. (Remember the kids in the forest-  Blair witch 2) also the hermit being controlled by her to make sacrifices that would help her keep her powers (Blair witch volume 1, Rustin Parr)

Trust me a story with Blair Witch elements can mix with snuff photos and a few action sequences.

[Andail]

You must distinguish between narrative elements and underlying facts. In Blair Witch, we knew that wicked stuff was happening, it was a part of the background story. But the suspense was built pretty much on the absence of explicit gore and "snuff" stuff.

When you avoid depicting the horror graphically, the viewer/player will fill in the details in his mind, often creating a much more powerful suggestion. Being forced to imagine the horror is more powerful than having the gore shoved in your face.

I'm not debating this to make you get rid of those snuff elements, but I don't want you to confuse two vastly different genres.

[Shinan]

I quite like it, I think it could probably live without the last picture, just show the beheading but not the head

Also, what kind of music should I use?

For the music (sound) it should possibly be very simple and very soft. I'd say that using sound effects could increase the suspense a bit. There's the slow and soft, almost ambient, music and then the sound effects could add stuff like marching boots, grumblings and voices and for the beheading picture a soft crowd noise and if possible some kind of beheading sound.

Instead of the last picture there could be black, the sound of the head falling on the ground and then the sound of the storm coming. I know I'd like it. Like the replies say implied gore and violence is usually a lot more suspenseful than the explicit kind.

Of course if your game is all about the gory parts then perhaps it might be better to show them up, but I'd still say that it's best not to waste that kind of ammunition right at the start because it will make the later impact less.

Also, these are German soldiers? I always like the German perspective so don't botch that part up.