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Title: Poem by someone who's not a poet
Post by: jason on Thu 14/07/2005 19:59:18

Hey all,

I was planning to make a card for my girlfriend's birthday and wanted to write a poem in it. Here's what I have so far and I realize it's not very good, but maybe with your help it could get better! I would appreciate all the help, comments, and criticisms I can get. Thank you!

my thoughts falter
and my mind lays altered
your lovely voice
and clothing choice
that alluring face
vivid in their place
your blue dress
never failing to impress
mesmerizing brown eyes
always a sweet surprise
always leaving me happy
happy birthday ashley

Update1:
my thoughts falter and my mind lays altered
in there place lays your alluring face
your lovely voice and clothing choice
your blue dress never failing to impress
mesmerizing brown eyes such a sweet surprise
your strong will which i admire still
your sense of humour so incredibly immense
the kindness in your touch oh so much
everything about you makes me happy
happy birthday ashley

Title: Re: Poem by someone who's not a poet
Post by: Paper Carnival on Thu 14/07/2005 20:13:53

It's great, since I'm no real poet I can't give you any good advice. Each line seems too short is what I noticed and there are hardly any verbs.

But, I believe that she's gonna love it anyway if it's written by you and not anyone else. She's not gonna say "omg you didn't put verbs, get out of my life now". She's gonna say you're sweet and to her it will seem like the best poem ever written :P

Title: Re: Poem by someone who's not a poet
Post by: Mr Flibble on Thu 14/07/2005 20:25:10

Its a lovely poem, but it seems a tad shallow.
You don't say, "I love you, you're a great person, you make me laugh" etc.,
you say that she's pretty.
You might get better results writing about the person, not what she looks like.

Title: Re: Poem by someone who's not a poet
Post by: jason on Thu 14/07/2005 20:56:55

THanks for the comments! You guys were both right.

Here's the updated version. I made the lines longer (basically just combined them), added some verbs hehe, and, more importantly, added stuff other than looks :P. I would appreciate more feedback.

my thoughts falter and my mind lays altered
in there place lays your alluring face
your lovely voice and clothing choice
your blue dress never failing to impress
mesmerizing brown eyes such a sweet surprise
your strong will which i admire still
your sense of humour so incredibly immense
the kindness in your touch oh so much
everything about you makes me happy
happy birthday ashley

Title: Re: Poem by someone who's not a poet
Post by: Paper Carnival on Thu 14/07/2005 21:38:30

that's a lot better!

and you mean "in their", not "in there" ;)

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Creative Production => Critics' Lounge => Topic started by: jason on Thu 14/07/2005 19:59:18