Poem - Epitaph

[Flippy_D]

I once turned,
And looked over my shoulder,
And saw the grey road stretching into the mists behind.
And I thought:
"How far have I come?"
As I stood there,
An unexpected visitor,
Scuffing my clean shoes on the wire mat,
Peering into the dark hallways.

[stuh505]

Oh my god, Anakin is in danger! 

Oh...there's a poem there too, heh?  Almost didn't notice it...

Well, on the subject of the poem, I must be honest I don't really like it.  It's pretty sappy..and doesn't really seem to have a point, or any flow to it.  I don't think a poem needs to rhyme in order to achieve flow, but it does need some kind of flow...

[big brother]

I definitely would like it better if it was more structured (a rhyme pattern or rhythm).  Also, the repeated use of the word "and" to start a line doesn't give anything to the poem. The subject matter itself is confusing...
Is the unexpected visitor scuffing the writer's shoes on a mat? Is the writer scuffing his own shoes? If his shoes are clean, why bother wiping them on a mat? The hallway line comes as a surprise, especially since the stage is set along a misty road.

Your poem is very mysterious, but it is too cryptic to be understood. Good classical poetry disguises its meaning, but provides enough information for the reader to understand it.

[Abisso]

I think that Stuh is right (Anakin is in danger!!! No, not about this).
The big matter is that the poem is without a point, or seem so. I have to say that I prefer a not so excellent poem, with a great meaning, to one well written but meaningless. And, sadly, your poem isn't even so a great piece of art. You should try giving it a sense, before trying to improve your style.

P.S. I'm Italian, consider it as you read my judgement. It's difficult to fully appreciate a foreign writing.

[Babar]

As I stood there, an unexpected visitor, scuffing my clean shoes on the wire mat, peering into the dark hallways.

The sentence is not complete. As you stood there ........what?

[Andail]

Babar, it could refer to the lines above, even though it starts with a capital letter.

sorry, Flippy, but this text is a bit too bland and unoriginal for my taste.

Similes and metaphores might be the hardest thing to carry out, because they can easily turn into clichées and stereotypes.
One good thumbrule is to never use a simile if you weren't originally struck by it yourself, while you were experiencing/thinking whatever the poetry is describing.

Another thumbrule is that if you make a poem entirely simple and personal, it can never be really bad or pretentious. Start out simple.

[Flippy_D]

Hmm. Odd. I got pretty positive responses elsewhere... but okay.

Insofar as having a point:
The poem is nebulous, yes, but the clue is in the title - and you have to work at it. Nor does it have one singular meaning.

Specifics...

"If his shoes are clean, why bother wiping them on a mat?" Act of nervousness? Trepidation? Having come all this way, he's at the door, unsure of himself.

"It's pretty sappy." Can't say I agree with that, but that's more a matter of opinion than something I can argue.

"more structured (a rhyme pattern or rhythm)..." I dislike working in rhyme. Yes, the occasional  partnership of lines, for emphasis (as Shakespeare did) is fine, and very useful at points, and I don't shirk that. However, rhyming poems often get very 'cutesy', and I'm surprised you then raised the point about classical writing, when often it doesn't rhyme all the way through. As for rhythm, you've got a much better point here. The piece DOES lack rhythm. And yes, the triple 'and' IS awkward, which is the entire point.

"[The poem]... is set along a misty road." No, it's not. It's set at the end of it.

"...a not so excellent poem, with a great meaning, to one well written but meaningless." I'd prefer the opposite, but this is your view. It has sense, but it needs to be found - and I don't believe that it is too obscure.

Oh, and to Babar: Yes it is.

Andail: Now there's a response I don't particuarly mind. But if I wrote just from experience, I would have written... two poems, ever. Including this one. The first three lines are purely from my experience and I never copy anything from anyone. If you find it bland and unoriginal, though, that's fine. Certainly it's a bit nasty to hear, but ultimately this is one work among many. I just don't want people, um, writing it off too easily. Get me?

I sound like I've had a hissy fit because you guys don't like it, but I don't mind - as long as you don't like it for the right reasons. If it's just misunderstanding (egh, way to make myself sound pretentious) then that's not grounds enough to not like it. If it's stylistic, there's usually a point to it. If you just don't like it 'cause it's 'sappy'... well. I can't really influence you there.

It's a harsh irony that my best stuff goes relatively unnoticed, whilst something that people may not, in general, like so much gets five replies overnight.

[Andail]

First of all, Flippy, you should have credits for publishing poetry in the first place. Few people do it; I wish more would, but it craves a lot of courage.

Secondly, poetry is bound to recieve mixed feedback. And unfortunately, bad c&c is usually very bad when it comes to poetry; it's just in the nature of the art.

I do however totally agree with you about the rhyme-part; few serious modern poets worth their names write in rhymes these days. I personally don't enjoy rhymes unless they're extremely well performed. Otherwise they will just obscure the true meaning of the poem.
Similarily, I have no problems with the repetative "and". I think it's pretty effective. So far we're on the same wave-length.

What bothers me is stereotypical and over-dramatic phrases like "grey road stretching into the mist behind" and "peering into the dark hallways". It doesn't seem genuine; it doesn't seem you.

I wish that you publish more poetry - if you could be bothered - and especially more down-to-earth pieces with a more colloquial language.
Good luck

[Flippy_D]

Fine by me etc. That's a reason I can understand

I'd like to publish poetry, but I've only written about 18, about of which 10 I'm happy with as they stand. I developed pretty fast, but that meant stuff I did only a few months ago no longer matches standards I set for myself

I might try and contact Bloodaxe books once I have a few more.

[stuh505]

Flippy,

Perhaps you feel there were inconsistencies or errs in the negative comments people had for your poem...but this isn't a thesis paper, you can't defend yourself.  The fact that the person had the comment is all that matters, because it means that as a reader, they felt disappointed in that area...and that's not really debatable..

I write a lot of poetry myself, and I know it sucks when everyone is not telling you how awesome it is...but you've just got to learn from that.  Chin up sailor 

[Flippy_D]

...you can't defend yourself.

I disagree. Whilst you certainly can't - and shouldn't attempt to - say that someone is wrong for not liking something you write, you can clarify what you were saying. Whether that changes their reaction or not isn't important. Most likely they will still dislike the poem, and that's fine! But when people get the wrong idea, I think it's up to the poet to tell them what it means. Only he knows for sure.

[Bartimaeus]

Flippy_D

Oh Flippy, you write poetry.
It sings like a bowl of Cornflakes.
It smells like a growing fig tree.
It looks like an overflowing mountain.
The poetry - it lives,
Like a bird,
And a tree,
And a river...
And a cat.
It lives.
It cries.
Fly Flippy, Fly!

:DÃ,  :DÃ, 

[Flippy_D]

What the fruits? Heh.

Have it your way, Billy  O_o

[Bartimaeus]

Hahaha.
I'm such a moron.