Poem for the end of the game when the character dies

[Sinitrena]

HI,
I wrote a littel poem which I want to use if my character dies in the game to tell the player that he died. I don't want to use a sentence like "You are dead!".
But as english is a foreign language for me, I need a littel bit of help:
Can somebody tell me if this poem is in (nearly) correct english? Can somebody correct it if it is really wrong or stupid or something like this?
Here is the poem:

And you cannot longer live,
and there's no other way to go.
What is lost you cannot give
or take it back to live and show.

Thanks for your help.

(By the way: My german poems are much better)

[Minimi]

Ok, I'm from The Netherlands, so it's not my first language, but here is a version, that's probably better Nice poem bytheway... try this :

Longer you can not live,
and there's not other way to go
What is lost you can not give
or take it back to life and show.


...still, I think the poem is too much written to sound like it HAS to rhyme. Try to avoid this. Here is my little poem, that you'll get to see at the end of my game Ralph the Raven.

A few days later he flew away,
to another forest, to another day
If you want to see him fly
just turn your head up to the sky
and wave Ralph the Raven a goodbye!

[Chicky]

how about:

Living is no longer a option
There's no other way to go
What is lost you cannot gain
Or take it back to show...

i just rewrote it a bit. infact i love writing poems, dont know wether im any good at it, but its enjoyable.

[Mr Flibble]

Or, perhaps for a more humourous death;

Now weary traveller,
Rest your head,
For just like me,
You're utterly dead...

[4Dsheep]

I've played a game, and when you died, you read this...

"Don't worry, it's all natural... no, it was never ment to be like this."

Thus, saying that death comes to us all, but that it wasn't ment to come already, for the purpose of the game is to play all the way through it. You could get some ideas from this.

[Andail]

I thnk we had a brainstorming session on the irc-channel once, to come up with witty game-over messages. Not really poems, just funny ways of telling somebody he's dead.

Unfortunately, I can't recall a single one of them. Perhaps someone else knows what I'm talking about.

[Mr Flibble]

We may have years,
We may have hours,
But sooner or later,
We all push up flowers...

[ravenfusion]

(SHORT but effective XD)
*Pic of that fat naked guy on his computer*
You're fat,
You're hairy,
You're dead,
You're buried...

(Not so mean variation)
You're dead,
You're buried,
You're rotten,
And forgotten...

How is that? Or maybe:

Every minute to breath,
Could be the minute you leave,
You've spoken your last line,
As it is now your time.

[Sinitrena]

Thanks for your humourous suggestions, they are funny. But I look for something a littel more sirious (sp) because my game won't become too funny. There will be funny elements of course but not the way that being death should be told in a very humourous way.It also should not be too sirious of coures but a littel more as most of your suggestions so far. But anyway: Thank you

[Redwall]

We may have years,
We may have hours,
But sooner or later,
We all push up flowers...

THE RUBACAVA MORTICIAN!

...yeah, yeah, all of us know that.

[phillip_002]

how does the character die?  because the poem could be made more to suit the way the guy dies...

anyway, heres my attempt:

With a bony-fingered grasp,
Death sees another prey.
To close your eyes in eternal slumber-
You will not see another day.

Hope this helps

[Isegrim]

My opinion to all variants posted: As you all know, a poem is not just made by putting rhyming lines together, but more important is the rhythm; and IMO, Sinitrena's has the best "sound" to it.
Despite me being German, too, I'd also say the language is pretty good...
I just don't quite get the sense of the last two lines. Maybe it makes sense in the game context?

Hmm... there's something coming to my mind, I'll just let it out:

"You hear the clap of bloody hooves
Death comes swiftly, riding fast
And then your heart no longer moves,
your deeds, forgotten, will not last..."

It might not make too much sense either, it just came to my mind...

P.S. My all time favorite statement about death:
-DEATH: Sorry, I'm late...
-DECEASED: Nevermind, so am I.
(Terry Prathett)

[Sinitrena]

Well, thank you Isegrim for your opinion. I re-read my own poem and, well, I think you are right that the last two lines don't make much sense. That has nothing to do with the context of the game. I wanted to say something special, but it was diffecult in english: It should mean something like: "You lost your life and that is what you can't give back to yourself. You also can't take it back to life (meaning you won't be able to live again once you died) or show what you have seen in death or life."
It's difficult to explain and much more difficult to write in just one sentence.

I think in the german version of this poem I say it much more understandable. So for those people of you who speak german, here is this version:
"Und der Tod fällt auf das Leben
und kein Weg führt mehr zurück.
Man kann wohl nicht wiedergeben,
was zerbrochen Stück um Stück."

[DoorKnobHandle]

Hey, cooles Gedicht. Da hast es drauf, mann!

A short poem from me:

Death comes to us all, of course,
The only thing for sure after your birth,
But if you think of me, I'll die with a smile,
in my face, in my mind...

Maybe I'll continue it later... I wrote these four verses in two minutes.

[Isegrim]

Hi!

I'll just try to transfer this one...

"Und der Tod fällt auf das Leben
und kein Weg führt mehr zurück.
Man kann wohl nicht wiedergeben,
was zerbrochen Stück um Stück."

and life all drowns in Death's black
no way will lead you out once more
and none may ever give you back
which was broken ever more...

Whew, just muttered that off while drunk... haven't done poetry myself for a loooooong time, and I'm not too happy with that last line, but I hope, it inspires you to make a better english version nonetheless...

Gefällt mir übrigens sehr gut!

Btw. Would you mind telling a bit about your game?

[Sinitrena]

Thanks for the translation of the german version. I tried it myself but it wasn't very good, that's why I wrote an other english version. I like your translation but I will try to change it a bit 'cause, as you said yourself, the last line does'nt sound too well.

To tell all off you a littel bit about my game:
It will be a fantasy game with magic and stuff. You can play four different characters seperated or all four characters together.
The story itself is a littel bit simple, I think. It's about a magician who lived a long time ago and who created four amulets (fire, water, air and earth) which have a lot of magic powers. The magician brought the amulets to some secret places to safe them. But now all elements are gone crazy and the world is in great danger. It is up to you to find these amulets and to destroy them to safe the world.
Well, that's the idea I had, and I already finished a lot of rooms, but my idea still changes every day.

[Mr Flibble]

Does it have to be a poem?
I'm doing a Red Dwarf game
( Link To Add
Sorry I had to link, yabb won't let me post bmps.

Anyway, when you died, I was going to put in something with a random function. If you played as Lister, when you died, a black screen would appear with Lister saying

"What the smegging smeg have you smegging done? You've smeggin' killed me!"

Or such like.

[Sinitrena]

I wrote a new version of my little poem. Could you please comment on this one as well?

And you cannot longer live.
It is quiet. You are dead.
You are sleeping in death's bed.
What is lost no-one can give.

[auhsor]

Does this one sound better? Its a bit like yours, but I rearranged the sentences to rhyme better, and changed them a bit.

And now you can no longer live,
You're sleeping on deaths bed.
The world has lost you cannot give,
As you are resting with the dead.

[spud]

this poem is anonymas and is at the start of medal of honour

When he gets to heaven
Saint Peter he will tell
One more soldier reporting sir
Ive served my time in hell

you could change soldier to something else to fit with your character.