Some time ago I started writing these. Crap? Maybe, but I enjoy it, so what the hell.
The thing is (mostly) about adventures of Little Princess and the Wolf in your generic post-nuclear world. With some surreal, weird and creepy stuff. And with "Guess the reference" in-game.
I have no problem writing them in Russian (why should I?) but I feel how a whole lot of the tale dies when it comes to translating (actually, rewriting) the thing in English. So. I'd appreciate any comments, suggestions, corrections and wtf's, so feel free to click "reply".
Crits on the plot are welcome as well but less likely to be listened to.
You may comment here (I'm not posting the whole thing because it's rather big and not because my blog lacks promotion).
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1. About Little Princess (http://sillyflu.wordpress.com/2007/09/29/plain-fairy-tales-are-for-kiddies/).
The draft of a first episode (which are supposed to be weekly-or-so) is located there.
Quote from: FSi on Sat 29/09/2007 21:10:47
I have no problem writing them in Russian (why should I?) but I feel how a whole lot of the tale dies when it comes to translating (actually, rewriting) the thing in English. So. I'd appreciate any comments, suggestions, corrections and wtf's, so feel free to click "reply".
I can't say how much the story suffers, but the there are grammatical problems (mixed tenses, missing articles, pronouns-gone-wild etc.) that make it all a bit hard to read and in a couple of places difficult to understand. If this was a game, i'd suggest you get a proof reader. Hell, I might offer to proof read it myself. Granted, the style you've picked here would take considerable skill and talent to pull off.
The story itself is far from hopeless and you've definitely got potential as already evidenced by the inventiveness and humour of your games, but your English still has some uncomfortably rough edges. Maybe try a story-driven game, putting extra emphasis on the writing as a learning experience? If fact any writing would do, as I guess the only way to smooth those edges is to write (and read) a lot.
Heheh...funny. I hope you don't mind me saying, but the bad grammar added something to the humour of the story. I especially loved the crow's teeth!
Since you actually wanted corrections, I'll go through them bit by bit:
1) You called it "Sotonic/Soton" before also, when you talked about it, so I'm assuming that is the correct word. In some places, however, you also use Satan, which is confusing, as it makes it look like Sotonic is a typo. Another funny alternative could be using "Satin/Satinic". Whatever you choose, stick to it.
2) As mentioned by tube, you mix up your tenses a bit. You could use past tense, or future tense, or present tense, but stick to one.
3) Crows (in fact any birds) do not have teeth. However, in a setting where crows can talk and bite people's heads off, I guess it doesn't matter.
4) You've got a few spelling errors which I'm sure you can catch easily enough by running it through a spell-checker.
Haha, very funny; although when the hose is mentioned it got a little weird..
To be honest, there was one thing which annoyed me. You use Soton isntead of Satan, and Sotonic instead of Satanic. I'm of the opinion that you should simply use Satan/ic/ism or just use an entirely different word. It's too similar and seeing as it is so similar, why's there a need to change it at all?
Other than that the previously mentioned grammar problems, but the story itself has merit :)
Quote from: tube on Sun 30/09/2007 10:48:15
If this was a game, i'd suggest you get a proof reader. Hell, I might offer to proof read it myself. Granted, the style you've picked here would take considerable skill and talent to pull off.
Is that an official offer?
Quote from: tube on Sun 30/09/2007 10:48:15
The story itself is far from hopeless and you've definitely got potential as already evidenced by the inventiveness and humour of your games, but your English still has some uncomfortably rough edges. Maybe try a story-driven game, putting extra emphasis on the writing as a learning experience? If fact any writing would do, as I guess the only way to smooth those edges is to write (and read) a lot.
I'll think of it. I mean, making a game out of that. Though the chances are low, the story isn't very suitable for an adventure game.
Quote from: Babar on Sun 30/09/2007 13:53:08
1) You called it "Sotonic/Soton" before also, when you talked about it, so I'm assuming that is the correct word. In some places, however, you also use Satan, which is confusing, as it makes it look like Sotonic is a typo. Another funny alternative could be using "Satin/Satinic". Whatever you choose, stick to it.
Oh screw it, I'll probably go for plain Satanic ones, as no one seem to understand (Russian thing I suppose).
Quote from: Babar on Sun 30/09/2007 13:53:08
2) As mentioned by tube, you mix up your tenses a bit. You could use past tense, or future tense, or present tense, but stick to one.
I'll look into that
Quote from: Babar on Sun 30/09/2007 13:53:08
3) Crows (in fact any birds) do not have teeth. However, in a setting where crows can talk and bite people's heads off, I guess it doesn't matter.
Yeah, that's a feature of, er, world depicted in the story. It supports the whole surreality thing.
Quote from: FSi on Wed 03/10/2007 18:01:27
Quote from: tube on Sun 30/09/2007 10:48:15
If this was a game, i'd suggest you get a proof reader. Hell, I might offer to proof read it myself. Granted, the style you've picked here would take considerable skill and talent to pull off.
Is that an official offer?
Seeing as I've got that little magnifying glass icon thingy under my nick and all, I guess it is. Not a native speaker though, don't expect miracles.